Iamagreatdad Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Okay, so here is my story. I want honest, no punches pulled feedback. What should I do? I will make the story as short as possible. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. TRUE STORY My wife is 34 and I am 44 and we have been married 5 years, and together for 8. We were both married before and we both have two daughters (16 and 13 for me and 11 and 9 for her). My wife was married twice before. Wife's first marriage was just a year at the age of 22. He cheated on her, she cheated on him and had daughter number 1 with Husband #2 before they were married. She married #2 when she was 24 and had daughter number 2 a year later. He started to go to strip clubs. She caught him. He beat the crap out of her. She kicks him out. He says he’s sorry. She takes him back. He rapes her. She leaves. They divorce. She meets me and just at our three-year mark, father (Hubby #2) of her daughters molests her oldest daughter at age 6. I stayed with my now wife through that and we went on to marry her before the Father went to prison. Thankfully, he will spend the rest of his life there. In addition to that horrible story my wife has lived through (and I have supported her through): The suicide of her best friend; the death from cancer of her only sister that was just 2 years older, the loss of two jobs in 3 years, a few surgeries on her ankle and knee to repair injuries, and three years of counseling for her oldest daughter. I am no prince either. My first marriage ended in a nasty three-year court battle that costs almost $100,000 in legal fees before peace settles in. My wife stood by me through the worst of the divorce fight. But in hindsight, she was directing me to be much more stubborn which led to more legal fees and pretty much the same result in court as if I had just caved. Anyway, we marry 5 years ago. A year ago, the window opened for me to adopt the girls now that hubby #2’s appeals were over and he was done. I did promise to adopt the girls but frankly with the devastating financial blow of my first marriage I just didn’t pull the trigger yet. And just as I was going to file in May 2008, my ex-wife files for a big increase in child support (I had a really good $ year) and she tells the court that I am going to adopt two girls and so I must have the money to pay her more. In addition, as I said, I am no Saint, I had a woman friend at work that got WAY to close. It ended quickly and I did not leave or even tell my wife, but the cloud of secrecy was always present. That was three years ago, and I thought that we had gotten over it and past it all. We still had great times and together (no kids) our relationship has always been magical. She is a beautiful, smart and stunningly sexy woman. The girls though are a handful. They are troubled and have frequent emotional tirades and fits. That has been true since the beginning. I have admittedly never treated them like they were my real daughters. We have not had children together. So, we get counseling a couple of years ago to help with the blending of the family issue, and it does help me to get that a little better and get rid of the all too close friend. In 2007 and 2008, it looks like all of our troubles are behind us. The four daughters are getting better and really treating each other like family. My wife and I are getting along great and fighting declined. And we bought a big new house with the money that I was making from a great executive job at a multi-billion dollar company. Than, you guessed it, I get laid off in September. Needless to say, I was a wreck. Angry and bored with a short temper. It took a while, but I did get past it. I got a new job right away and got back to work. But the damage was done. My wife went to a dance club in the beginning of November to have a “girls night out.” And she met a guy. The guy is a physical therapist who flirts and tells her how he could help her with her ankle issues. I am oblivious. My wife goes to the physical therapist for treatment. Two treatments in they start to talk outside of the office and become “good friends.” This is the beginning of December. In three weeks, our marriage went from improving and finally getting over the hurdles of our life to ending. I am of course completely in the dark. We have a pretty good Christmas Day. Until 3pm. We were going to go to the movies together as a family, but my wife says that her daughter can’t go because her room isn’t clean. So because my daughters are going to their Mom’s house that night we don’t go. But my wife decides that she can go to the 7pm show instead. Off they go. They come home, we go to bed, no problems. The next morning, she wants a divorce. It hits me like a ton of bricks. Literally in physical pain. I panic, start to say everything that I will do different, be a better husband and step-dad, focus, emotionally stable, etc. She says she is going to her Mom’s house to spend the night. Next day she leaves for a previously planned week with her Dad’s family in Chicago. While she is gone, I figure it out. She is having an affair with her 36 year-old Physical Therapist. And HE went with them to the movies on CHRISTMAS DAY!!!! She says he is just a friend. That they just talk and text. Totally innocent. He helps her with her ankle and talks about her “passions” and dreams. But still, I want to save the marriage. I beg, plead, write long love letters, flowers, cards. I am working from home right now, so I am her “Alice” (Brady Bunch reference). The house is spotless, I take the girls to school and pick them up, make everyone lunches, dishes, dinners, everything. I even make my wife her coffee and breakfast in bed. But no dent. She still wants a divorce, but backed it down to a separation for now. She says she wants space. We have had our problems in the past, and as you can see much worse periods than late 2008. I know that if he wasn’t in the picture providing an alternative, we would be on the road to recovery already. Before Dec. 26, 2008 we went almost 7 years straight of the same bed unless one of us was traveling. Since that day, I have been in the guest room. And always in the past, we got over the problems because we loved EACH OTHER so much. We may have had issues with each others offspring, but the bond between my wife and I was always incredible. Before December 2008. We went to a marriage counselor this week. What a joke. Give me a break you idiots, I am paying $110 an hour and my wife wants to leave me; why are you asking me about my little brother who lives on the East Coast. My wife tells the therapist that she wants a divorce and he basically says that he doesn’t think he can help unless we both want to get help. What???? So here we are, three weeks after the bomb dropped. She is out tonight with her friends and the new boyfriend went along. I am home taking care of all the girls. We are still in the same house, but she wants to move out. We are taking one day at a time. Tomorrow she is taking her daughters skiing. I don’t know if he is going or not. She says she loves me, but is not “in” love with me. I am ravaged with guilt, anger, jealousy, depression, sorrow, and hurt. I have dropped 15 pounds and I was not overweight to start with. Average nights sleep is maybe 4 hours for the past three weeks. I still love my wife very much, but I feel that everytime we take one step forward, she talks to the "friend" and we go two steps back. What should I do? Should I turn the Therapist in to his employer? Should I let her move out? Should I just accept that in this age, two failed marriages is almost a normal average in a lifetime? Am I an idiot?? I have read about this reverse psychology method where I should just agree to let her move out and help her pack and be happy about it. Should I try that? Don’t pull any punches….Thanks
cyabye Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Your wife is having an affair with the PT. Consult a lawyer and file for divorce. Remain a great dad to your two girls. I would NOT adopt her two at this time unless you want to be responsible for their child support too. At this stage of your marriage, what is there left to salvage? You say you are both taking it one day at a time. Maybe YOU are but she is not by going out with her girlfriends and the OM. I don't see any other option at this point. cyabye
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 We went to a marriage counselor this week. What a joke. Give me a break you idiots, I am paying $110 an hour and my wife wants to leave me; why are you asking me about my little brother who lives on the East Coast. My wife tells the therapist that she wants a divorce and he basically says that he doesn’t think he can help unless we both want to get help. What???? Marriage counseling isn't an intervention or hostage situation, it's a cooperative process where motivated people can work on their problems. You counselor did you a favor, rather than milking sessions he told you the truth. If one party refuses to participate, nothing can be done. Should I turn the Therapist in to his employer? Should I let her move out? Should I just accept that in this age, two failed marriages is almost a normal average in a lifetime? Am I an idiot?? I have read about this reverse psychology method where I should just agree to let her move out and help her pack and be happy about it. Should I try that? Don’t pull any punches….Thanks You should worry about you and yours. You can't control what your wife will do and she knows already how you feel. Let her move out (again, how could you stop her?), get a lawyer and take things one day at a time. Your focus should be on your daughters as this will be toughest on them. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
mark982 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 why are you watching her daughters while she plays? i know you're tring to be 1 big happy family, but take your two kids out when she wants to go out, and say what are you gonna do about your children.if she wants to play,she's gonna have to pay.
carhill Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Two things: Hope you got a pre-nup. Try a divorce mediator this time before launching legal missiles. Editorially, I would suggest putting a clear space of a few years between this marriage ending and beginning a new relationship. That would put you at right about my age It's a great time for reflection. Your counselor did you a favor. Our psychologist sent a similar signal and left it up to us to schedule further visits. The telling thing was that we began counseling at my wife's suggestion and she was the one no longer interested in going, even though I was paying for it (and wanted to continue). Call that mediator tomorrow
climbergirl Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Marriage counseling isn't an intervention or hostage situation, it's a cooperative process where motivated people can work on their problems. You counselor did you a favor, rather than milking sessions he told you the truth. If one party refuses to participate, nothing can be done. You should worry about you and yours. You can't control what your wife will do and she knows already how you feel. Let her move out (again, how could you stop her?), get a lawyer and take things one day at a time. Your focus should be on your daughters as this will be toughest on them. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky I second every word in the above post. Just let her go. She's not looking to fix the marriage, so stop trying...it takes two to make it work and you will drive yourself crazy trying to amend things all by yourself. I suggest that you step back and ask yourself if this is really the kind of marriage that you want. Tell yourself that you deserve better treatment than this. Good luck, and like Mr. Lucky says, keep us posted.
Author Iamagreatdad Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Thank you all so much for all of the support. I do love her so much. This is a very painful time. My daughters have been terrific and believe it or not my ex-wife has been a good support as well. After reading this and all the posts that sound exactly the same, I realize that I am not alone. I do want to give her the space to work through the "fog" of an affair before she destroys the lives of my step-daughters as well as her own. Some on LS and elsewhere say that I should "out" the affair. What are the thoughts there? Should I tell his employer. He is a medical provider that is having an affair with his client. Should I tell her parents? Should I tell her boss (she has left work and spent time away from the office to be withi him in secrecy)? Or is this just revenge and serves no purpose but to bring them together in common hatred of me?
climbergirl Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Thank you all so much for all of the support. I do love her so much. This is a very painful time. My daughters have been terrific and believe it or not my ex-wife has been a good support as well. After reading this and all the posts that sound exactly the same, I realize that I am not alone. I do want to give her the space to work through the "fog" of an affair before she destroys the lives of my step-daughters as well as her own. Some on LS and elsewhere say that I should "out" the affair. What are the thoughts there? Should I tell his employer. He is a medical provider that is having an affair with his client. Should I tell her parents? Should I tell her boss (she has left work and spent time away from the office to be withi him in secrecy)? Or is this just revenge and serves no purpose but to bring them together in common hatred of me? Just ask yourself what that will ultimately do? Will it make you more endearing to her? Not a chance. But most importantly, it may make you feel better short term, but that will be fleeting...I assure you. Don't do it. Please, just let it go. Accept that there is nothing you can do-you cannot make her work on the marriage. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you said to not 'pull any punches'. Step away and work on your needs.
Gowithflow Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Sorry to read about your difficulties. Just realize that it is not your fault. She went off the deep end. You cannot trust her from this point forward. Also, don't do anything crazy or stupid. Remain calm. You will be able to come out of this with no regrets. Start preparing for the divorce storm. Her heart is no longer into the marriage. Explanations? Don't bother. The fact that she does not want to work on the marriage is proof enough that anything you do on your part will fall short. It takes 2 willing people to recover from the damage that she caused. Remember, "it was good....then it wasn't good" and probably never will be. Take care of yourself. See your doc and get some anti anxiety meds to help you through the next couple months of emotional pain. Also try ambien at night to help you sleep. Force yourself to eat. Read. Do not under any circumstances beg or plead. Act strong even if you are not. God gave us ears that stay open and a mouth that shuts for a reason. Listen to what the wife says, but shut up as much as possible. Especially when you feel like crying to her. If the fog lifts things could change, but that sounds unlikely.
NYCmitch25 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 OK, I skimmed this diatribe about your evil wife but ironically you've unintentionally let on extremely negative things about yourself. You don't seem like a well adjusted person - the quick to temper, the "Ralph Kramden" ***hole persona, history of her picking "winners" (i.e. you included), the mental games played and willing to play, and the "know it all attitude" about therapists etc. etc. all point at a person who shouldn't really be married to begin with. Of course you're thinking I'm a ****face who you'd love to punch out but honestly you're the one how asked not to pull any punches.. Again, like many other threads, everyone here is trying to help you with your specifics, give YOU advice on how to address a specific problem -- yet the systemic problem really lies within you. She's a failure, and you guys subconciously found each other in part because of these unresolved issues replaying themselves out in your lives. If it's any consolation, I'm sure the new guy she's bumming around with is a real tool -- or will become one with time. If you are unwilling to look at yourself, hard, I see little chance for you improving your life.. Of course I'm answering a ancillary question since you are really trying to patch up and continue a painful relationship -- in your case ignorance has truly been "bliss"..
pelicanpreacher Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Let her know that you currently hold documented evidence that she embezzeled company time in support of her illicit activities. Let her know that if you ate your Wheaties you could make a lot of trouble for her therapist because, technically, your hard earned money paid for his services while he decided to seduce your wife. Finally, let her know, that she'd better be willing to "bend over and take it for the team" in this divorce else you'll be forced to make all evidence public which will negatively affect her job security as well as his along with any other negative fallout attributed to exposure of this type of seedy affair! You've already been through the ringer with one ex and, unless you take a hardened stance now, you're bound to repeat your "deja vu" all over again!
Author Iamagreatdad Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 All, thank you very much and very truly for the advice and the straight talk. I do realize that I have some issues to work through. My daughters and I have spent the last two days together (MLK day off) and we together worked through a lot. I went to church on Sunday for the first time in a long time. I used to go all the time, but had become cycnical about organized religion. But there before God, the sermon was about the walls that we put up between ourselves and the people that love us and most importantly God. That we need to find that rind that protects the soul and open up to God. I broke down crying during the sermon and more during the Lords Prayer, and again during a song about reconciliation and peace. I realized that in order to be a better person and Man, I need to make peace with myself (and with God). I also realized that with my daughters help, being alone is not that bad right now and I need to reflect on my mistakes. But I also know that I need to forgive my wife for the terrible sins she has inflicted on me. I went home and told her about the service and my feelings during the hour and a half. After I opened my heart to her again she told me that her OM went with her and my step-daughters skiing on Sunday. Without emotions I told her that I was happy she told me, but she is making horrible decisions right now. On Monday morning at 4am I wrote to her: "I realize that I broke the trust of commitment in thoughts and actions in 2006. I take great comfort that I did not break the ultimate trust. Because the ultimate trust in a relationship is that we will always work together to work out our problems as we took an oath that this marriage is for life. The commitment that we took before our children, families, and God was till death do us part. You will have to find peace in the future if you decide to break the ultimate trust of a marriage and leave a man that has dedicated his life to provide for and love you and your daughters. I hope you can find that peace and be happy, but I more than anything hope that you change your mind and return to us. I recognize that the happiness you desire may be with another, and if that is the future, than I will accept it and find peace in my relationship with God and my daughters. I know that I have become a loving and caring man and this experience will make me a better person in the future for the woman in my life." She has not cut it off with the new guy and I can't compete with a blank sheet who is filling her with the chemicals that she can't live without. I don't think she is the kind of person that can ever make the leap from Lust (chemicals) to Love (committment). I may have gotten too close to a woman friend at work, but I knew where the line was, backed back up over it and returned to my committment to my wife and didn't abandon her. She will have to live with that decision and I will find happiness on my own. And find a woman that has more character than she has. Thanks everyone
TrustInYourself Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I lacked time to garner a appropriate response earlier. You married a skank. She moves from man to man like a parasite. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be. Focus on your children and your life. Ignore that skank.
Author Iamagreatdad Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I lacked time to garner a appropriate response earlier. You married a skank. She moves from man to man like a parasite. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be. Focus on your children and your life. Ignore that skank. Thanks, you sound like my ex-wife who was very quick to say I told you so. In fact she said: "You can take the trash out of the trailer park, but you can't take the girl out of the trash." Or something like that. Hate to say it, but based on her actions and total denial that she is/was doing anything wrong, I guess she is right. Just hate what is going to happen to my step-daughters. They are going to be destined to repeat the sins of their mother.....
SRV Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 She is gone and be glad that you are rid of her. Concentrate on your daughters and making yourself a better person. There is nothing to salvage here and human behavior is predictable. For her it will be a cycle that she will be going through in relationships as time passes by. Focus on your daughters and being the best dad to them, good luck to you!
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