dlawless08 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I am in a relationship with a guy that I have dated off and on for over 3 years. Our relationship has been crazy from the start. I am 2 years older than him and have a 19 year old child, he has 2 children 9 and 11. My son was an only child until this relationship began. He hates the thought of children here, and he dislike the guy because he thinks he is taking advantage of me. I own my own home and business. He lives with his Mom ( to help raise the kids he has primary custody of), the mother gets them when she feels like it or when she decides to sober up. We have broke up several times over the same issues but we cannot stay away from each other when we are apart. I have actually had 3 relationships with other guys while we were broken up and they were bad choices. I always end up going back. First of all his kids have a room here, they watch the tv, they use the internet, they eat the food, I wash the clothes. He only offers to help financially when I bring up the fact that he pays none of the bills here. He has the luxury of 2 homes and no bills at either. He has a good job, but says he never has any money. I am struggling right no, I own my own business and not enough money is coming in to pay the bills. We were both saved this year and became active in our church. I have suggested to him that we get married so that we may live a more righteous life. He says he cant afford it. He says he cant come in and pick up half of the bills. Just this week I refused to let him or his kids stay overnight anymore. If all of this makes any sense to anybody please give me a clue as what to do. I dont want to run like I have in the past...But I feel like I am being used. Should I give him a time frame to step up or what? He is not an affectionate or romantic person either and that bothers me. Sometimes I just ask for attention and cant even get that. I have been married twice and he has been married three times. Hope I have give enough info too show just how screwed up the situation is. We both live in a small town and there is no way to avoid seeing him when we break up, I think that is why we have always gotten back together. When we do break up he pursues me constantly. Is he taking advantage of me? Does he see me as his vacation home? Please tell me what you think???? I am on the verge of professional help. I am very stressed right now and pray continously.....
Ariadne Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Hey, Yeah, it's tough to deal with that guy that doesn't want to give you any money and has succeeded at doing that. Not sure what to tell you, you'll decide if his company is worth it. Wish you luck with him paying the bills at least.
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 For a guy you're in a relationship with, you don't paint a very glowing picture of him. Other than the fact that you see him around and he's persistent, what do you see in him? I don't ask that facetiously; I'm serious. What about him attracts you? Is there something about him that overcomes any of these negative traits? I'm hoping there's something monumental, like "he's a Rockefeller who looks like Brad Pitt, is hung like an elephant, and shags like a rabbit". Look at what you've told us about him so far: You two haven't even dated 3 steady years, but he and his kids use your place as a 2nd home.You do their laundry/food/etc. and pay for it all, even though he has a good job.He's not romantic.He's not affectionate.He's not interested in getting married, and you obviously are. (Sorry, the 'no money' excuse is BS. Where there's will, there's always a way).You feel that you're being used.You two have split up a few times.You feel that the only reason you get back together is because you see him around town when you two are apart.He doesn't pay attention when you two are broken up (and he bears full responsibility for the kids), but the minute you two are apart, he pursues you relentlessly. If i gave you this laundry list, would you tell me to stay with this person? Probably not.
Author dlawless08 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 He has none of the traits that you mentioned. He is a nice looking guy but he is not a Rockefeller, hung, or can he shag. But he is good to me as far as taking me out, calling, gets along with my family except my son and my son is trying really hard. He is a very good father which to me says alot about someone. And one of the major things is that I know he would never cheat on me. He is always around has practically given up golf, which he is really good at to spend time with me. I have always had a love for riding motorcycles, so he learned and bought one and this was way out of character for him. And when I compare him to the other guys Ive dated since my divorce 5 years ago he is the only one that has been around that isnt addicted to some form of drugs, alcohol, etc. Like I said he has been married 3 times and mentions that he doesnt want to make a mistake again. Prob just another BS excuse, but atleast its somewhat legitimate. I have been married 2 times and dont want to make a mistake either, thats why I am so confused. Not bragging, but I am an attractive person, own my own house 5000 sq ft, own my own business and am very well known and well respected in my community. Its like, people expect something from me and our relationship has been the talk of the town for 3 years. I just want to get it right....Should I give him an ultimatum step up or step out and let me get on with my life and find someone else. If we broke up again it would make the headlines in the paper and I would have to say that would be it. But like I said I cant stand it when we are apart...You know the phrase "cant live with him, cant live without him" How do I get past all this?
O'Malley Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 First off, don't focus on what other people in your community think. They are not the ones who will have to live with this man, so do not risk your fiscal security by caving into other people's expectations of you. Realize that no ultimatum will make him become what you really want, which is a partner in the fullest sense of the word. Someone who is supportive and works toward keeping a balance, who gives as much as he takes from the relationship. Not someone who is unwilling to help out financially and uses you as his babysitter. He has no reason to change, as you keep coming back to him, despite his behavior. Are you willing to accept the current status quo in a marriage? Do you believe that he and his children moving in will make him more of a giver, or more of taker? If you choose to end the relationship, you need to protect your head and heart by establishing no contact with him -- no calls, no visits, even from his children (as hard as that may be for you). This will allow you to separate your feelings for him and to focus on what you want in a relationship and what you expect from a partner. Whatever your decision, do not let him move in with you any time soon. Read JohnnyBlaze's list again, and compare that to the benefits you receive in this relationship.
Author dlawless08 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 No contact with him is virtually impossible. We attend the same church, in which I attended first and all of a sudden when we were broke up last year for 7 months he shows up in my Sunday school class. His children is close to the ages of my neices and nephews so without skipping out on them I would see him at school functions and ballgames. My church is the main thing. I really dont see anyway of avoiding him and when we were broken up in the past, If he seen me out with someone else he would always pull me to the side and start the Are you happy conversation. My head knows what the right answer is but it is really hard to tell your heart to listen to it. Thanks guys for the advice....would still appreciate anythign you have to say.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Your son is a lot wiser than you give him credit for. Try listening. And change the locks. Like..... Now.
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