toosadforaname Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 So I know i'm a new member and this is my second post in as many days, but i am happy (well, happy is not really what i am right now) that there are people out there with all these insights. How is taking a break different than breaking up? I don't have a lot of relationship experience, pretty much a serial long-termer. My current BF and I have been together for 4 years and living together for 2 months. I want a little space and time to myself to figure out what i am doing wiht my life. He's hurt by this. I'm thinking maybe if i move out and take some time we can both have the space to see how we want to be in each other's lives. But is taking a break just a wussy way of postponing a break up? Anyone out there done this before? I love him so very much and I don't want to hurt him I just don't know what to do.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Phrase: "I want to break up" Meaning: They want to end the relationship, straight up. Explanation: These people have balls. They tell it how it is. Phrase: "I want to take a break" Meaning: They want to end the relationship, straight up. Explanation: These people don't have the balls. They don't tell it like it is, but they really mean the same.
Author toosadforaname Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks for the straight reply. I agree with you. I think I am hoping that moving out doesn't have to mean breaking up. He thinks it does so I guess I will find another way to get some space and some time while living together. Sounds a little absurd but it's worth a try. Phrase: "I want to break up" Meaning: They want to end the relationship, straight up. Explanation: These people have balls. They tell it how it is. Phrase: "I want to take a break" Meaning: They want to end the relationship, straight up. Explanation: These people don't have the balls. They don't tell it like it is, but they really mean the same.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 One thing he is going to want to know (and I would say anyone who has been a victim of a 'break' wants to know) is why do you need to put the relationship on ice in order to figure things out about your life? Why couldn't you do that from within the relationship? Why would you need him out of your life to figure out if you want him in it? People generally take breaks not to figure out if they love their partner, but to figure out why they don't anymore - or at the very least why that love is slipping away. You say you love him, but wouldn't it be fair to say that you feel it slipping away? Another question I'm sure people will want to know is: is there someone else you have an interest in, or do you want to explore options with other people? 99.99999999999999999 times out of a 100, the 'break' comes because the person asking for one needs the break to make room for someone new.
LostLamb Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Can you not just talk instead of moving out? Surely you already know if the relationship is worth pursuing? Your boyfriend has every right to feel hurt. What if he meets someone new , or is that what you want to happen?
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I disagree that 99.9999% of people who say they want to take a break, are making room for someone else. This is false.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I disagree that 99.9999% of people who say they want to take a break, are making room for someone else. This is false. I dunno, Tom. In the years since I've been here and on other similar forums, I don't think I've seen a case yet where a 'break' wasn't hiding some form of infidelity, or the groundwork for it. There is that infinitesimal chance that there is a legit reason for it (falling out of love, etc), but for the most part it is just plain and simple - people ask for breaks because there is someone else. If this particular case doesn't involve someone else - not even a random crush, or the barest hint of feelings for someone else, then it is the old 'falling out of love' thing, rather than any need to 'find oneself'. People who love and are deeply in love with their partner don't need 'breaks'. People who fall out of love do. So, which is it? Feelings for someone else, wanting to experience 'falling in love' again, or 'falling out of love'? I'm curious, and I'm sure every other person out there who has been on the suffering end of a 'break' wants to know too. Maybe I'm just cynical, but you know... spend enough years here, and see through the emotional artifice enough and you tend to swing that way. If it is truly 'finding oneself' then why does that have to preclude a truly loving relationship?
Island Girl Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 How is taking a break different than breaking up? It's not. But the one who suggests a break usually is unsure if they will find better - so it is a way for that person to try to have their cake and eat it too. A clear translation is "I am not sure I want you to be my partner but I do not want anyone else to either. So while I figure out if I really want to be with you or not just sit there and wait until I know for sure". Pretty damn selfish. And someone who says "I just don't want to hurt him/her" really just doesn't want to shoulder the responsibility of being FAIR to their partner. It is a lot worse to break it off partially and leave the wound open - ripping off the scab and pouring salt in the wound continuously than to break it off completely and allow that person to heal. You do far less damage and then if you did decide you wanted to be back together and the other person IS available - you don't have a whole lot of head trauma baggage to deal with. I want a little space and time to myself to figure out what i am doing wiht my life. He's hurt by this. Uh yeah. Of course he is. I'm thinking maybe if i move out and take some time we can both have the space to see how we want to be in each other's lives. Classic. Did you see what you wrote? Classic spinning. You want time. You want space "to see how you want to be". NOT HIM. He doesn't want that. But you put the "we" in there -- and how "we" want to be in each other's lives. Give me a frickin' break. You are just being dodgy and trying to make it his problem too when you are clarly the one having issues. That is unfair to him. I really hope you don't pull that crap in any discussion with him. And don't try to say you aren't trying to do that because I used to play that ALL the time. Get real with yourself AND him. But is taking a break just a wussy way of postponing a break up? Anyone out there done this before? I love him so very much and I don't want to hurt him I just don't know what to do. Yes. It is. And as much as you love him you do not know if you are in love with him anymore or if you want to be with him the rest of your life. That is what you need to tell him. Honestly is the best policy. And if he moves on while you are trying to figure it out and he is not available if you decide you really do want him then that is what it is. Thanks for the straight reply. I agree with you. I think I am hoping that moving out doesn't have to mean breaking up. He thinks it does so I guess I will find another way to get some space and some time while living together. Sounds a little absurd but it's worth a try. Space and time while living together is ridiculous. It won't make you feel any better about the situation either. You are unsure of him as your choice and staying right there in it won't help you figure it out. And it is unfair to him to have him dangling on the string while you try to figure out your side of things. Tell him upfront that you are not sure if he is the right one for you. That you love him but do not feel sure that you are IN love with him. Tell him that is what you are trying to figure out and that you think it is extremely unfair for you to ask him to sit around waiting for you to figure out if you want him or not (because it is). Then let him make the decision as to what he is going to do for himself.
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