sedgwick Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 ...since he dumped me. I still love him. But I've been steadfast in the NC, and I'm proud of that. I feel like a much stronger person than I was 18 months ago. I've grown and learned a lot. It would be nice if I could at some point stop thinking of him -- he's still constantly on my mind and I still dream about him most nights. But I'm chalking it up to life experience and trusting that maybe, hopefully, someday, it will stop. This is one more entry in the "I can survive anything" files. I'm trying to get back a little of the self-esteem I had before I knew him, and it's coming back a tiny bit at a time. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm a little bit better than I was a year and a half ago, and that's progress, even if it's slow. I'm holding out hope that I may eventually reach a point where I could find someone else attractive. I hope the rest of you are getting better too.
underpants Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 You go girl. You are too strong to allow you spirit to stay too down for too long. I know it's tough but have faith. The person you will become via this experience may surprise you.
louiep Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 i think you should start testing the waters . that special someone could really help you . be careful and start slow the world is waiting on you
Author sedgwick Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Well, nobody ever flirts with me, and in the 18 months since he left me, I haven't had anyone ask me out or even show an interest. I'm not really physically attractive, so I had to pursue Joe (my love) for quite some time before he looked up from his bass and noticed me. So I'm not expecting to ever be with anyone else again, because the thought of doing the work to get them to notice I exist just seems exhausting! But I am definitely looking forward to the day when maybe I can at least find someone else attractive. I hope it comes eventually!!
Jmina Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 your not unattractive and your thoughts create your reality. x
Author sedgwick Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 I appreciate you saying that, but really, I'm not physically attractive! But at least I can bellydance, right? I mean, there's that, heh! So I'm hoping maybe someday somebody could be attracted to that, even if Joe couldn't. I still have a lot of sorrow and guilt over what I did to him, and over the amount of music I took out of the world by asking him to spend time with me. But I'm finding some small things about which I can be rational, and those things bring me comfort. For example, I knitted him a hat, a scarf, and a pair of gloves, and I know that if I brought nothing else positive into his life, at least I did something that helped keep him warm when he was cold. That is one concrete thing I know. I'm trying to slowly build up things like that that will help me forgive myself. It's hard but I am at least making a little bit of progress!!
Author sedgwick Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Okay, I put up an actual pic of me in my avatar so you can see what I look like right now today. Just had bellydance photos taken for business cards. See, NOT CUTE!!!! But this is the most decent pic out of about 200, so at least I can make a card...huzzah. I'll take it down soon, I promise!! I just wanted you guys to know you don't have to tell me I'm not unattractive, though I do appreciate the sentiment, really.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 How can you say you are not cute?! You need a new mirror girlfriend! You happen to be very attractive.
EmperorR Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I agree you look very cute sedgwick don't let anyone tell you differently.
LostLamb Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Hi sedgwick , I feel bad for missing my ex nearly 2 months on , but 18 months on and your ex is still controlling how you see yourself? When you say you are unattractive , in what way do you mean? Your self hatred is stopping you from living and needs to be tackled. You are not ugly ! If you really felt that bad about your looks , you wouldn't be posting your picture in a public forum. You will find someone who fancies you again , you just have to be confident and open to it happening
Citizen Erased Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 How much longer are you going to let this guy invade your life? 18 months is just too long. It is so sad that you have been so upset over this guy for that long. You are goregous, you look so fun and full of life in your picture. You are very intelligent, accomplished, you have so many qualities that people value. You just can't see it and until you do I don't think you will let anyone else in.
Author sedgwick Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 If you really felt that bad about your looks , you wouldn't be posting your picture in a public forum. You will find someone who fancies you again , you just have to be confident and open to it happening I changed it back! Sorry it was up for so long. I'm sick and I fell asleep. I honestly don't EVER, EVER get flirted with. EVER. If anyone interesting ever came up to me and asked me out, I'd go, but it literally NEVER happens. I'm sorry I still love him so much after 18 months, but I don't know how to get over him. I go to therapy three days a week and it's helping but I still feel tremendous guilt over not being good enough for him. I just can't imagine ever getting over that and having the courage to talk to men again. Most of all I wish I could go out and hear music again -- I haven't gone to hear a single band since he left me, and I used to LOVE to do that. However, on new year's eve i got invited to dance with a live band, so I did that, and it went okay. This band plays Middle Eastern music, so they're used to playing for bellydancers, but I would give anything if other kinds of bands wanted girls dancing to their music. I'd love to just be in the audience dancing again but now I feel like they'd just be laughing at me. My shrink is trying to convince me to go out and do it again but I think that's still a long way off. Maybe someday...
underpants Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Come on girl. You know you have an interesting vibe. You know you have things going for you that dudes don't even know and that some girls would be intimidated by. It is up to you whether or not you lift that veil or let them scratch the surface to see. This is now about you. Not the skinny bass hugging ex. It was never about him. Really. What you are faced with now is a crossroads. The mirage of what you thought and where you choose to go. You are in the driver's seat. The choice and decisions are yours. Make one. Take an action. You so have it in you.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 sedgewick, I missed your most recent avatar posting but recalled previous pics that you posted. You're attractive so I don't know why you wouldn't think so! As for not being flirted with or asked out, no one will do so until you give them the green light. I'll bet your body language is screaming "stay away from me". As a dancer, think about your body and in retraining your brain to move on from this guy, your body language will follow. He only holds your self-esteem because you gave it to him. Take it back...all the way. He's nothing compared to you.
Author sedgwick Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Thanks everybody...I wish it were possible to convey the extent to which I feel like I'm ugly and fat and that that's why I get dumped. I feel often as though it's all about my weight (I'm 5'7" and 150 lbs -- I know, gross.) I have a tough time going out into the world now because I feel like all anyone sees when they look at me is the girl Joe dumped. The girl who is just not good enough. I feel like I'm just this walking ball of lard with "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" emblazoned across my forehead. When I was 16, I lost my virginity to a guy I'd been dating off and on for three years (we were only "off" when he dumped me; I totally loved him and never wanted to break up.) He was a cyclist and told me I was overweight, and boom, the eating disorder took off big-time. When I finally slept with him (I wasn't ready, but feared he would dump me again if I didn't), I took off all my clothes in front of him for the first time and asked him if I was thin enough yet. He said, "Almost. I can see your ribs. It's nice." And then the next day he broke up with me, and that weekend I caught him making out with another girl in his car. In a lot of ways I don't think I've ever gotten over that. As much therapy as I've been through since then, I still assume that every guy who looks at me is thinking that I'd be acceptable if I could just be a LITTLE BIT skinnier, a little bit better looking. And Joe was so good-looking (at 6'2" and 125 lbs, rapidly going bald and with bad personal hygiene, some might not think so, but I find him gorgeous) that I just feel really inferior to him. I feel like whenever we were out together people were looking at me and thinking how I was just not cute or thin enough for him, and that he was finally driven to leave me out of embarrassment at my looks. I cannot FATHOM anyone ever being intimidated by me for any reason. Yeah, I write books and dance and stuff, but I'm fat! Doesn't that cancel out everything else?
openbook08 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Well, nobody ever flirts with me, and in the 18 months since he left me, I haven't had anyone ask me out or even show an interest. I'm not really physically attractive, so I had to pursue Joe (my love) for quite some time before he looked up from his bass and noticed me. So I'm not expecting to ever be with anyone else again, because the thought of doing the work to get them to notice I exist just seems exhausting! But I am definitely looking forward to the day when maybe I can at least find someone else attractive. I hope it comes eventually!! ok i just had to respond when i read this because youve gotta hear and listen to what im gonna tell you... since my break up ive been keepin busy , puttin myself in lots of social situations to keep my mind off things & as the months passed felt more ready to meet someone (without using them as an emotional crutch for my broken heart but a fresh slate for this new heart that wants to love again) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.... NOTHING. just like you, no flirting no dates i might as well have been invisible. it was beginning to get down as all my single friends seemed to be having no trouble attracting man after man, so naturally (?) i assumed, well i must be a complete ogre!! (working on self esteem, dont worry this was a while back...) i also , in the early stages, went through a phase of not findin anyone attractive either!! talk about lose-lose situation!!! my friends kept tellin me 'youre givin off a VIBE' i was like 'i can assure you im not. i WANT to meet someone no-ones interested in ME' but they continued on with their vibe theory (acting like i was still 'attached' or sendin out a 'do not approach me im not over my ex' message or 'i secretly want my ex back' smell!!) might i add i wholeheartedly disagreed, i was just not that attractive thats exactly what it was. idiots! BUT on new years eve at the stroke of midnight i decided enough was enough. as all my friends paired off with guys towards midnight & i stood alone(again) i thought to myself 'you know what its time to leave all that pain behind, youre a smart attractive FUN(ny) girl. you are desirable & the guy that gets ya is gonna be very lucky&youll look back and wonder why you stayed with that waste of space for so long when all these great guys were here all along' & i believed myself and continue to believe myself. (search hard enough on the forum & youll see just how well changing my attitude and loving myself again worked out for me NY eve ;);)) ive met 2 lovely guys since, the first asked for my no & we exchanged a few texts but i didnt hear from him again. coolio(never thought i could be as cool about this kinda stuff!! im surprising myself how much my attitude has changed!!). the 2nd guy i met last week & we spent the whole night talking...i even have butterflies writing about him here. i hope to see him again this week & maybe talk some more, exchange numbers whatever!! my point is .. I (and you) WAS(are) SOOOOOOOOOOOO GIVING OFF A VIBE & that is exactly why no one is approaching you sweetheart. youve gotta take back all that love youre giving him & give it to you! buy a sexy dress, laugh, toss your hair ... theres a whole world of fabulous men (hello!! sorry about the vibes previous!!) out there to meet. be this just a few texts, a conversation one night, a date, a rship they are there & they smell yummy!! are you ready? HELL YES!!
Author sedgwick Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 my friends kept tellin me 'youre givin off a VIBE' i was like 'i can assure you im not. i WANT to meet someone no-ones interested in ME' but they continued on with their vibe theory (acting like i was still 'attached' or sendin out a 'do not approach me im not over my ex' message or 'i secretly want my ex back' smell!!) might i add i wholeheartedly disagreed, i was just not that attractive thats exactly what it was. idiots! That is EXACTLY how I feel!!! Like, how could anyone read my mind? I can't tell when other people don't want relationships. I can't read THEIR minds. But then, I don't even really look at other people anymore. I have not found anyone but him even remotely attractive since 2006. Do you feel like YOU can catch that vibe coming off of others? Because I feel like the whole "vibe" think is kind of a crock of sh*t. But I am VERY happy for you that you met someone! I don't see that ever happening for me but it's awesome it happened for you and I hope you enjoy it!!!
openbook08 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 i thought it was a crock of schit too... not so sure anymore...(because if im honest, i was still allowing thoughts of him & thoughts of reuniting & thoughts of anger hes with someone new so soon & thoughts of HIM HIM HIM dominate my..er...thoughts!!-youre doing the same) dont get me wrong, i havent "met" someone but guys are showing an interest and flirting and im laughing again & enjoying it and my heart goes out to you because you CAN and WILL but YOU decide when. so how about now????? im tellin you i felt exactly the same as you do now but youve gotta flick that switch & get your groove back!! ps this guy imet last week ...well i dont have a type..but had you told me that hed be the one that i cant stop thinkin about id have said 'really???'(not cos hes not gorgeous...he is...but i just didnt think id be into him..cant really say why actually..)! so you dont even have to find someone attractive so BLAH to that excuse!!!!! just talkin to someone can open your eyes to a whole new level of desirability!
LostLamb Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I weigh more than you , so what does that make me?! I am not slim but feel even bigger than I am. I'm guessing we suffer from body dysmorphia as we feel ugly no matter how many times people say we are pretty. It has stopped me living and robbed me of the man I wanted. After speaking to some men online , it has become even clearer to me that I really had found someone special who will be hard to replace.
Author sedgwick Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Oh, I definitely deal with major, diagnosed body dysmorphia! You're right, it's crippling. I don't think there's any way you can understand it if you haven't been through it. I don't think other people get that I REALLY DO see this hideous thing when I look in the mirror. I see women all the time who are objectively bigger than me, but in my mind they look thinner. I really do feel like I'm the fattest ugliest thing on the planet. I'm working on this in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it really has helped me a lot), and I hope someday it goes away. But I completely understand what you're saying about how devastating and life-wrecking it is, and if it helps at all, there *is* someone else out here who totally knows what you're going through. Big love.
underpants Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Think about how awesome you look compared to when you are 80. That is what I try to do. What I will say is that if you project that uncomfortable vibe, then you could very well attract someone who will mirror that insecurity right back on you. Then you could wind up in similiar relationships that end in self doubt again and again.
MalachiX Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Think about how awesome you look compared to when you are 80. How do you know what she'll look at 80? Maybe she'll get more attractive as time goes on.
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