Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Don't be sorry. It hurts and it is hard. The only thing that is getting me through doing the NC thing, is thinking that at least he's not having the time of his life thinking i'm still waiting for him here. It is never as fun partying with your friends when you don't have the person you love waiting at home for you. Or maybe it is...to immature people! lol I'm not handling mine well. I hurt. I cry. I get angry. But I'm doing NC becasue I'm so bloody pissed off and will not accept crumbs. I will not be the girl (aka.doormat) waiting in the wings for some guy who is off partying away with his buddies. I've never been that girl and am not about to start now. Most guys I've dated wanted me beside them doing that. So for soemone to treat me like I mean so little to them.....forget it. I will get over him. I will. I tell myself that every day. lol I am determined. I won't take crumbs. i admire your determination! i need to make that decision too. i think i'm getting there, all the talking here is definitely helping. the thing is he did want me at all those parties. it was just he planned on going without ever asking me what i wanted to do, did i have any plans................and if i did have plans, that i wanted to include him in, he just said no, such and such is having party, i told them i'd go. he wanted me at the parties....................and still he stood me up for the family thing he invited me to...............he seriously wondered what i meant when i'd said he wasn't making an effort. it was long distance and i spent more time out with his friends than i did alone with him (since sleeping doesn't count!). i never sat at home waiting for him or anything. i was always out partying with him, and i miss that so much! when i said that to him, he said "but i spent loads of time with your friends when we started going out, sometimes things change".....................i was like, you have to keep the momentum! things were equal then, they're not anymore! banging my head on a brick wall......................peeing into the wind..............whatever, that's what it felt like, he just kept defending his actions all the way!
nature Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 the thing is he did want me at all those parties. it was just he planned on going without ever asking me what i wanted to do, did i have any plans................and if i did have plans, that i wanted to include him in, he just said no, such and such is having party, i told them i'd go. he wanted me at the parties Mine did the same. And it's selfish and immature. He'd make the plans and assume I'd go along. Without even asking me what I wanted to do, or considering me in making the plans. It was his way or the hwy. And if I didn't want to do it, he'd go anyways. He was going whether I was coming or not. Not the behaviour of a respectful, mature person.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 not the behaviour of someone who should be in a relationship either. i went along with it for a while, because it was fun, but i kinda copped that i hadn't seen my own friends in ages. even the weekends we were home. he has a huge family. who i loved a lot, and i spent a lot of time with them. but to the extent i never saw my friends anymore. that's not healthy. i still kept in touch with my friends obviously. and i'm so thankful to have them now too. they've been so good to me! that behaviour only started about 4 months before the relationship ended. up to then, things had been pretty even. a lot of it was that i had left my permanent job and was spending more time where he lived while i was trying to decide what to do. so in ways i think i contributed to this behaviour because i let it happen instead of hauling him up on it before. however, it still doesn't excuse the way he acted!
nature Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Oh Camper, the same with my ex. I enabled it for too long, so it got worse. The last few months of our relationship are when it got really bad. And I got mad. And then I got dumped! lol You just have to realize tho, that if that is how he wants to behave and treat you, then he really isn't ready for a relationship. Relationships are about give and take. About considering the feelings of the person you are with, as much as you do your own. Your ex wasn't doing that. I know you miss the parties. But parties get old when you are just expected to attend them all the time, and you know that either way, he's going. It would be much more enjoyable if it was a decision you came to together. Then you would really feel connected. Instead, you were somewhat of his "pet", expected to tag along with whatever plans he made. Let him have some time to think. Have you explained all of this to him? Is that why he broke up wth you? That's not cool. Lay low. No contact.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 i didn't really get a chance to explain it all nature. i thought we were going to talk. i know i had an inkling he'd split up with me that night. but i was hoping against hope that we'd be talking things through before anything like that would come about. so no, he doesn't know all this. about 6 weeks before said family thingy, i was getting annoyed about me doing all the running. i rang him one night, and i always feel i should say these things in person, but again the distance is an issue. and i was really not happy about it. but ring him i did, and i explained that i was doing all the travelling and finding it a strain. and he apologised, genuinely seemed guilty. and came up the next night to visit me, and come to my dance class with me, i had been trying to teach him salsa before. so that was great, but i was going to say to him this doesn't mean everything is ok, you come up to one dance class...................i need to see continual effort. and i didn't and i'm sorry now that i didn't. but he did say at that point, i'll come home every second weekend. but at that point, i'd already booked to work the next four weekends in the town he's living in. because i couldn't get work in my own town. and i did say that to him. and that meant i didn't get to spend time with him during the day. i thought we could do stuff together in the evenings. but again, it was always with his friends, and if it wasn't, he felt bad that he wasn't out. i began to feel like i was getting demanding and asking too much. it was pretty complicated. it's all so messy. i feel like when i said it to him then i didn't give him a chance to make amends, and then when the poo hit the fan, i had been wanting to talk to him about it again, but it all went belly up. it's only in the last two months away from him that i've been able to process what i should have done, what he should have done, and in ways that's why i'd like to let him know. but you know, NC and all that! think the only way i can ever let him know is if he comes crawling back. not bloody likely! i did say in the email to him that i couldn't be with someone who didn't want to make the effort. but with that i was referring to the fact that he didn't want to talk anymore. or want to stay and fix things. all more of the same, but i didn't point out the specifics. and when he replied he said it was pointless arguing about all that now anyway, and harmful to pick up points of conflict when we were already broken up. i was like, i beg to differ! even though he was probably right. but to me, even though i was sending that email for closure, or so i thought.....................things just seemed unfinished. i know you said on your own thread that if your ex came back to you now, you'd say no. but what if he seemed to genuinely want to make a go of things.........................would you even consider? i know he's considerably older than my ex and though there are lot of similarities, it's a different situation...............or are you completely against entertaining such ideas?
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 i just looked up stuff on passive aggressive behaviour..................really describes my ex!!! should send it to him..........................
nature Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Camper, I think our situations are different. My ex wrote me letters wanting to re-hash the relationship, and like your ex, I told him "we need to just agree to disagree, because we are never going to agree on what went wrong." I just didnt' want to fight about it anymore. I was tired and fed up. Yes he had dumped me. But then he was apparently angry at me, even though he'd dumped me. I had no idea he was angry at me until months later. Anyhow, about a month or so ago, before Xmas, is when I just shut him off. I just can't deal with it anymore. It's draining. So our situations are different I guess. With your ex, do not send him the thing on passive-aggressive behaviour. lol You know it, and know he displays it, so use the knowledge of it to help you. Not to tell him. Something tells me he is not in the frame of mind to assess his behaviour at the moment. And especially not coming from you. I honestly think right now you need to focus on getting over him. If he does come to you on bended knee wanting to talk and admitting how he took you for granted, then of course talk to him. But for now, you cannot force this from him. You can't force someone to want to work things out. He had a lot of behaviour characteristics that bothered you. And as you said, you put in more effort than he did for the relationship. So in order for you two to give it another go, I think he would have to come to you. You need to remember how he treated you. And remember why you got upset. And the fact that he wasn't willing to work on things. And instead, dumped you. That says alot. It is what my ex did to me too. So please remember that. I dont' entertain the thought of my ex coming back. I honestly don't. I have really tried to switch my brain over into thinking, this is over and I will meet someone one day. I can't hold onto the "what if's" or the "if only's". It's too painful. and life is too short. He didn't want me in his life, so I'm not in his life. Therefore, I need to move forward and try not to dwell. Because if someone wants you and loves you enough, they will come to you. Being the fact that he broke up with you, the ball is in his court. He needs to make the ammends and say he is sorry he broke up with you. Until he does that, I don't think you can do anything different but stay away. As much as it hurts.
mm4184 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 So basically, what they were both saying is... "I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready for a commitment. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to put you first. So rather than make some concessions and work on this relationship, I'm going to throw in the towel and take the easy way out." So right now, i think they both need to live with the break up. Live with the choice they made. Which means, no contact from us. Not giving them that ego stroke. Not letting them have their cake and eat it too. They could have made the choice to work on the relationship. But instead, they both chose to throw the relationship to the wind, and choose everything and everyone over us. And that hurts! My ex was in a relationship before me for 9 years then me for 3 years. All his crap about having to focus on his work because he's 30 and not where he wants to be in life, etc... I know that was a big reason for us breaking up... BUT I know he just wants to mess around and date other girls since he's only had 2 girlfriends his whole life. I hate that this is happening to us, but I guess we just have to see that maybe one day there will be someone that will actually want us no matter what and will be able to balance whatever "work" they have or goals and dreams with us. It's just unfair to be in these situations, but I guess it's just preparing us for something better and taking us from what's not meant to be... It still confuses me though because even recently when we got in an argument about him trying to talk to this girl I know and me asking him to just stay away from things that I may find out about for now just for my own sake.. he told me that he doesn't want a girlfriend (meaning he just wants to have friends with benefits maybe even if he said that's not true) and that I'd be married with kids by the time I run into him with someone else. That is MY MAIN FEAR is that he'll move on before me (which will probably happen). So what can we do
nature Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 MM..stop talking to this guy. How awful. He sounds wretched going for someone you know. That's really insulting behaviour. Do not give him a response or react. Shut him out. You are just goign to get hurt over and over if you keep reacting. He is in a bad space right now. If that's all he's looking for, "freinds with benefits" then he is not boyfriend/husband material. As much as it hurts, ignore him. NO contact. You have to do this. Reacting hurt is only stroking his already too big ego. Yuck.
mm4184 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 MM..stop talking to this guy. How awful. He sounds wretched going for someone you know. That's really insulting behaviour. Do not give him a response or react. Shut him out. You are just goign to get hurt over and over if you keep reacting. He is in a bad space right now. If that's all he's looking for, "freinds with benefits" then he is not boyfriend/husband material. As much as it hurts, ignore him. NO contact. You have to do this. Reacting hurt is only stroking his already too big ego. Yuck. I did stop talking to him. He didn't know I knew her and he said he was going to stop trying to talk to her. Also because she doesn't like him supposedly (one of her best friends told me) And although I kept it in for awhile, when I did see him for the "last time" early this year, I couldn't help but bring it up. I know I shouldn't have but it made me feel better getting it out. What more do I have to lose?! When we first broke up, I was begging, pleading, trying to change his mind... but now I'm not. I did ask him if he ever saw me in the future and he said he did. But I just don't know if that means as friends or what. He reassured me that it's "not me" and that he just needs to do this for himself. I just have to respect that and try to get past this all. I just don't know how to deal with him seeing other people. I said in another post that he said "it's already been 4 months" but for me "it's ONLY been 4 months". He knows how to deal because he went through it with his ex before me and I pretty much was the reason he got over her. Now, I'm suffering and I have no idea how or when I'm ever going to get through this. I want to already, but I guess I'm just not ready. I really hope we can all move on soon and be where we're supposed to be and learn what we're supposed to learn from these experiences...
nature Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Oh MM....what you say here....I did ask him if he ever saw me in the future and he said he did. But I just don't know if that means as friends or what. He reassured me that it's "not me" and that he just needs to do this for himself. I just have to respect that and try to get past this all. Argh, I hate to be the barer of bad news, but this is the consumat "players" line...."of course I see you in the future"...said so that you will hold on with hope and be there for him if he ever feels like swinging back into your life. And him saying "it's not you, it's me". Haven't you ever heard that joked about before? Of course it's you. He wouldn't have broken up with you if it wasn't you. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He is out there looking for other women. Someone who doesn't want a relationship would not be doing that. He is not just wanting to play the field and keep things light. If he finds a woman he likes, of course he'll get into a relationship with her. Then you'll find out about it, get upset, and he'll say to you...."look, I honestly didn't mean to fall in love with this girl. I really did just want to be single for awhile and play the field. But then I met her and it just happened." Argh. This is the oldest story in the book, I'm sorry to say. He's stringing you along hoping you stay pining away over him because it strokes his ego. I'm sorry. I'm not saying this to be mean. Its just that his words are text book for "player" and "he's just not that into you". Not wanting to sound like a bad guy to you. So he takes the blame and says "its not you its me". Gag.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 So our situations are different I guess. With your ex, do not send him the thing on passive-aggressive behaviour. lol You know it, and know he displays it, so use the knowledge of it to help you. Not to tell him. Something tells me he is not in the frame of mind to assess his behaviour at the moment. And especially not coming from you. won't be sending him anything to that effect! plus, passive aggressives don't really assess their behaviour.....................they just blame everyone else for their mistakes! I honestly think right now you need to focus on getting over him. If he does come to you on bended knee wanting to talk and admitting how he took you for granted, then of course talk to him. But for now, you cannot force this from him. that's another thing...............on the friday night where he said we'd give it a go, he said he had taken me for granted.................so he did say it, and maybe he did realise it...............(perhaps he did self assess?! hmmmm...............displays passive aggressive characteristics..............possibly not all of them!). point is he knew that. and didn't want to continue. so yeah. i do need to focus on moving on. i'm not quite sure how.......... You can't force someone to want to work things out. He had a lot of behaviour characteristics that bothered you. And as you said, you put in more effort than he did for the relationship. So in order for you two to give it another go, I think he would have to come to you. You need to remember how he treated you. And remember why you got upset. And the fact that he wasn't willing to work on things. And instead, dumped you. That says alot. It is what my ex did to me too. So please remember that. i know you're right. i've spent a lot of time remembering the good times lately. they're tarnished now for certain, but i can't help it. i hate to think about all the bad things too, because i don't want to feel so bad about someone i still care so much for. even if it's not reciprocated. it's confusing. part of not knowing how to move on........ I dont' entertain the thought of my ex coming back. I honestly don't. I have really tried to switch my brain over into thinking, this is over and I will meet someone one day. I can't hold onto the "what if's" or the "if only's". It's too painful. and life is too short. He didn't want me in his life, so I'm not in his life. Therefore, I need to move forward and try not to dwell. Because if someone wants you and loves you enough, they will come to you. i know this is true............except i also know him to be a coward................i think if he did want me back, he'd need to grow a pair of balls first................. Being the fact that he broke up with you, the ball is in his court. He needs to make the ammends and say he is sorry he broke up with you. Until he does that, I don't think you can do anything different but stay away. As much as it hurts. and i know you're right here too. thanks for all your help. if i'm honest.................i guess i want someone to tell me to contact him. even though i know that's the wrong thing to do. i know though that i will not be the first to contact him. the desire to do so has greatly lessened actually. i broke NC last week as i said before. and i'm so glad i did. it set me back for sure, but i'm feeling way better now. i had a bad week and then one really bad night of it.................but i'm feeling better now than i was before the bad week! i know that if he were to contact me now, it will hurt. but not as much anymore. and i won't contact him to hurt myself. blah blah blah......................i'm sorry for keeping bumping this up! i feel i'm really making progress though, this is really helping!
nature Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Camper, do not say you're sorry. It's hard. I hate your ex for what he's done to you. It's almost easier if they are just mean about it and mean to you after. But instead, he plays the "good guy" card so that you won't hate him. And for some reason, that hurts even more, doesn't it???? He said so many things to you, to get you to pine over him....(ie. maybe I"ll regret this....I don't want to date anyone for a long time, etc). He said them on purpose to sound soulfull, and it worked. He has you rehashing those words around in your head, confusing you even more. Wondering why, if he thinks he'll regret it, would he do it in the first place? That's what makes me angrier. Him saying those cushy words to you. Because they are BS and unfair. And just an attempt to keep you on the back burner, with the door ever so slightly open. Have you told him off at all? Or told him you think everything he said to you is BS? He makes me so mad. Even his stupid pouty look when you shut the door on him when he came to your house. No sh*t you're going to be upset. And he knows damn well why you are. But he also knows how to push your emotional buttons. And he knows you are a kind soul. So he knows that putting on the pouty, sad, baby face will affect you. Grrrrr. Try to muster up anger inside. Becuase this guy has been playing with your emotions and heart. He is selfish. And you need to knock his ego down a notch or two by not being there for him or showing him that you are pining for him. No matter how hard it is. You need to tell your mutual friends not to let on that you are hurting. Because I guarantee you, that is what this guy wants. To know that you are in pain. Because it makes him feel like he has that affect on someoen. And it hurts me that he's doing this to you. Grrrrr. He's so selfish. Is he really that great a catch? Does he have a good job, strong morals (doesn't sound like it), good looking? Or have you put him on a the pedestal that he wanted you to put him on?
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Camper, do not say you're sorry. It's hard. I hate your ex for what he's done to you. It's almost easier if they are just mean about it and mean to you after. But instead, he plays the "good guy" card so that you won't hate him. And for some reason, that hurts even more, doesn't it???? absolutely. he ignored two texts i sent him the week after we broke up. that hurt. but it was like it confirmed it was over..............and that time he blanked me, did the same. for ages i kept thinking if i just keep seeing him blank me, it would actually help immensely! or if i kept texting him and he ignored me, that would hurt, so i'd know it was over! there is logic behind my thinking, method to my madness! but it's pointless, because i should be able to accept it without that behaviour. but like you side, it's the good guy behaviour which prevents me from moving on. even for weeks after, and now for god's sake, i keep saying, he really is a good guy, he just doesn't think. and he actually doesn't think. i will add more on that below! He said so many things to you, to get you to pine over him....(ie. maybe I"ll regret this....I don't want to date anyone for a long time, etc). He said them on purpose to sound soulfull, and it worked. He has you rehashing those words around in your head, confusing you even more. Wondering why, if he thinks he'll regret it, would he do it in the first place? That's what makes me angrier. Him saying those cushy words to you. Because they are BS and unfair. And just an attempt to keep you on the back burner, with the door ever so slightly open. Have you told him off at all? Or told him you think everything he said to you is BS? He makes me so mad. Even his stupid pouty look when you shut the door on him when he came to your house. No sh*t you're going to be upset. And he knows damn well why you are. But he also knows how to push your emotional buttons. And he knows you are a kind soul. So he knows that putting on the pouty, sad, baby face will affect you. Grrrrr. i haven't told him off for saying those things. i should have. instead while he was saying all those things, i kept telling him how much i loved him and he was my best friend, why was he doing this? but i guess i can't be held accountable for behaving that way when all i could see was what i was losing. i did however send that email saying we would never be together again because i didn't want to be with someone who wasn't prepared to make the effort. big long email, also remembering some of the great times, of which there were many, but he just hurt me too much. i kinda think that was telling him that what he said about coming back wouldn't matter to me, because i didn't want to go there anyway. i still hate that he said it............after all, you've read through all of this! i'm still stuck..........and he replied to the email the following evening. apologising for not breaking up with me the friday instead of the sunday................for ditching me that day, he didn't know i was sitting waiting (because he didn't bother trying to find out, but why bother pointing that out again?!). he never meant to treat me badly. but he still could justify his behaviour because of a text i'd sent earlier that week? please! he said he was sorry i believed he thought it was okay to treat people badly (i'd said that if he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't treat me the same way again, he obviously that this behaviour was ok, which it's not). before then saying he was miserable without me, he knew he would be, and hearing me say we'd never be together again hurt even if it was true. Try to muster up anger inside. Becuase this guy has been playing with your emotions and heart. He is selfish. And you need to knock his ego down a notch or two by not being there for him or showing him that you are pining for him. No matter how hard it is. You need to tell your mutual friends not to let on that you are hurting. Because I guarantee you, that is what this guy wants. To know that you are in pain. Because it makes him feel like he has that affect on someoen. And it hurts me that he's doing this to you. hurts me too! i haven't seen many mutual friends, and those i have, i made clear to them at the time that i wasn't interested in reconciliation. and as for showing him i won't be there...................i made a boo boo. because i sent him that message last week saying i was thinking of him and that i hoped he was ok. i'm not sorry. but i would also love to take him down a notch!!! out of spite. i'm not like that though. at least not to his face........ Grrrrr. He's so selfish. Is he really that great a catch? Does he have a good job, strong morals (doesn't sound like it), good looking? Or have you put him on a the pedestal that he wanted you to put him on? great catch? i don't know, he's only my first catch at the tender age of 23! now 25.............slow to start! i've never been so comfortable with someone before. ever. or so hurt. but he's incredibly charming and charismatic, and yes very good looking, athletic. he has (apparently) never chatted a girl up because he is shy (he can be incredibly shy............but also incredibly cocky) but girls flock to him. I've seen it. but he never looked twice. actually ran away! he was very faithful to me, i never even saw him looking at another girl. and definitely very sensitive. that was part of what made me fall for him. good job? it's ok, but not the one he wants. i did everything to convince him to go back to college this time last year, because he was thinking of it. but to no avail. he'll be stuck in a dead end job he doesn't want until he's further qualified, but he won't do anything concrete about it. self sabotage all around. and as for strong morals................i used to think so. but i guess after all that's happened.........maybe not so. i don't like to think i've put him on a pedestal. because i know how much he's hurt me, and as i said if he were to ever come back..............it would be on my terms, not his. but the more i read through what i've said, the more i realise that wouldn't be a good thing anyway...........i don't think a person could change that much if that's what they're like.
nature Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 i did however send that email saying we would never be together again because i didn't want to be with someone who wasn't prepared to make the effort. Good! I'm glad you did this. So that he doesn't think he can just waltz off, do his thing, and waltz back into your life when he feels like it. Good for you. That's why his pouty face when he came by your house. Trying to get at your soft heart. But he's doing it the wrong way. The pouty face only goes so far if he's not willing to put in the effort. i kinda think that was telling him that what he said about coming back wouldn't matter to me, because i didn't want to go there anyway. i still hate that he said it Yes, it was telling him that, and good for you. I'm sure it knocked him down. Do not regret sending him that msg about his dad, etc. That just showed that you're the bigger person, and if anything, it will make him feel worse. It did not make you appear needy. It just showed that you are mature and kind. Leave it now. NC as you are doing!!!!! IT will sting him, I know.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Leave it now. NC as you are doing!!!!! IT will sting him, I know. .................................he he he he he!!! thanks so much!!! you're a star!
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