ooops..............

[not_a_happy_camper]

i posted a thread here the other day about wanting to say sorry to my ex who dumped me two months ago, for the things that i had done wrong in the end. and i read the answers and i really appreciated it. and i'm not going to just put that out there to him. he dumped me. and i believe that if we were ever to get back together, that move certainly has to come from him.

 

this has been a tough week for me. i also posted here about a text i got from him, meant for someone else. and i don't know if it was secretly meant for me...............or was i on his mind and it was just an accident. or was it just an accident in general! i'll never know. the content of the msg didn't mean anything to me. it was the contact. and the time that it happened. the day before my ex's dad's anniversary. which i know is a really tough time of year for him. i sent a snappy reply to the mistaken message he sent me. it was hastily done. and i felt bad because i know how hard this time of year is for him.

 

when we broke up.................he sent me so many mixed messages in the weeks before hand. i'm still not certain he's certain he made the right decision. he still did it though. i have to respect that. but here i will contradict myself. i wanted to keep things going when he broke it off.................then nearly two weeks later i sent him an email saying we'd never ever be together again. i feel i have shot myself in the foot with that one, because now i wish we could be together again. i want to try. again, i know he has to make that move..............but here's the dilemma..............i gave him the definite impression..............well there was no two ways about it from the email..................that i didn't want him near me. two weeks later he dropped my stuff back here. he seemed like he wanted to talk or needed a hug at the door...............sensitive i guess. and i shut the door on him. because it was that or start balling crying in front of him again which i couldn't face. the following week i bumped into him in a bar.............he turned in the opposite direction without even saying hello.......................i needless to say, was hurt.

 

i brought that one on myself. by my treatment in terms of the email, and when he brought my stuff back. i can't blame him for doing that when i had most likely hurt him too. i spoke to a mutual friend who had also spoken to him that night...................and said that he's finding this really hard. at this point, after he had blanked me, i said to myself i don't care that he's finding this hard, he fully deserves to after all that's happened in the last few weeks. but i've mellowed since then. sure i don't know that he wants me back. but the way i treated him...............even if he did want me back, i know he won't let me know. we're both too proud. and i know this is not a good way to be. but if i don't break the ice about this i will always wonder......................

 

i spoke to a friend about this yesterday, who knows him, albeit nowhere near as well as i do. and told her all this. she says how can he know if i don't tell him? i don't know how he feels. and i know the rejection scares me. and i hate putting myself out there again. but this is eating away at me.

 

i broke NC last night. for the first time in 7 weeks, i was the first to make contact. "i realise I"m probably the last person you want to hear from. but i know this is a hard time of year for you. i'm thinking of you and I hope all is ok. " I got a reply an hour later. "not at all H, thank you. you're too good to me, I don't know what to say".

 

i knew i was setting myself up for a fall in sending it. or the possibility of a fall..................but i'm so glad i sent that message. there's been nothing since obviously. but like i said............the not knowing is eating away at me. i won't say anything to him in the next while. i don't want him to think that i'm using that contact as an opportunity. that's not right. but i probably will do something about it. I think the NC rules here are too strict! i know it will hurt if he rejects me..................but knowing i got through the last two months and am soon to be moving on to a new job (i hope) i know i can get through that again if i have to. i just can't let this go.

[not_a_happy_camper]

ok.............i just got a reply. saying thanks again for the message. i hope your well and i'll always be there for you too.

 

 

that kinda sounds final doesn't it?...........

[DSM-IV Tom]

Yes it does sound final. But that's ok, because with finality comes closure.

 

I have written a rhyme that coincides with such a circumstance.

 

It’s like I wanna rip out my hair, cuz I’m trippin out here

I can’t configure a stable mentality, I feel like a casuality of a bad society coupled with anxiety, I’m a fatality of bad circumstances, mixed up with bad romances, alcohol, drugs, where's my morality?

 

 

Yes.

[not_a_happy_camper]

i feel like i need him to say the words................we can't have this again.

 

i said that to him ages ago because i felt that at the time. and now i regret that. i miss him so much.

[DSM-IV Tom]

It's ok, I'll talk to you instead. And I'm much cooler.

 

*waits for kizik to pass out humble pie*

[not_a_happy_camper]

i'm so gutted. i don't want to feel this way anymore. i'm fed up of crying. i'm fed up of puffy eyes and sore nose. i've honestly, honestly tried so hard to distract myself. applying for work, meeting friends all the time, going out loads, getting back into music and theatre which i love. and all i can think about is how much i want him back. how much i want him to see me doing these things. how much i want to hold his hand again. he doesn't even care

[DSM-IV Tom]

Damn, I empathize with you. That must be a powerful experience. I know what it feels like.

 

There are people out there who will care though. You could meet one tonight and turn everything around. But until you want to do that, feel free to vent.

[not_a_happy_camper]

see my post in the coping section to see what kind of person i met tonight..............same type of person i used to meet before my ex..............which made my ex seem so amazing................i hate this.

 

i feel like i'm back to square one all over. i broke no contact. i'm glad i said what i did to him. but i wish i could stop hurting. i've never hurt like this before.

[DSM-IV Tom]

I wish I could take away ya pain, even though I don't know you. That alone should give you hope in human nature, and thus, defeat the mentality of people other than your ex being bad.

[not_a_happy_camper]

thanks. i appreciate that. i'm just so fed up of being like this, this is not like me at all. and i know not everyone out there is bad, i honestly do. i just have an awful knack for attracting needy insecure weirdos................part of what attracted me to my ex was that he was just so confident and laid back. i just wish he could appreciate what he had in me. everyone keeps saying how much he'll regret losing me. no sign of that.......

[DSM-IV Tom]

When they say he'll regret it, they mean in a year or two or three. (Substitute "year" for "relationship", and itll also work).

 

In reality, it's all good. You're gunna come out on top soon. That's just how it works. Take it from someone who is great with psychology.

 

*Continues waiting for a slice... no wait, the WHOLE ****ing humble pie from kizik*

[not_a_happy_camper]

thanks tom. i know i was like this when he replied to the email i sent him. i haven't cried so hard since then. that was rock bottom. i didn't think i'd get beyond that. and up to now i've been getting better i know. this week has not been easy. when you say he'll regret it 2 or 3 years/relationships down the road.................he said when he broke up with me that he wouldn't be able to think about being in a relationship for a long time again. i know from reading here that generally they say stuff like that and it's bull. things started out so great between us and up to the last few months they were wonderful. the thing is i see how crap he can be too. but all i can think of looking back are the great things. i believe he'll have his flings. i don't think serious relationships are his thing for now. sowing wild oats and all that. hurts though. we'd been planning to travel. i wish he hadn't lead me on like that. i felt i was jinxing it all by buying travel books, looking ahead too soon. we were going to go in about 6-8 months time. i keep thinking i scared him away, but he was planning or at least appeared to be planning too. it hurts so much. and i miss all the friends i made through him too who i can never see anymore. i feel like so much has been taken away, not just him.

[DSM-IV Tom]

God, that is so hard. I feel your pain on that, what ****. Sometimes life just ****s you over, doesn't it? And all you can do is complain, and you have every right too. You DID lose a lot, you are justified in complaining, definitely. But you still have more than you ever lost.

 

That is where hope starts.

[not_a_happy_camper]

i know. for some horrible reason i just can't seem to appreciate that now. that makes me feel so guilty. i feel like things will never be as good again, nothing will ever be so much fun again. no one will dance with me the way he did. no one will get my quirky sense of humour the way he did. no one will laugh the way he did. for god's sake...........i made him cry.............i know he loved me too. i just wish we could have talked it through and tried to fix things. instead of just walking away, i wish he could have tried.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Don't feel guilty, not by any means. You are completely in your right (and it is very natural) to feel EXACTLY how you do right now. I felt like that after losing both my ex's. Don't worry. (Not that you really care, most likely, about such details).

 

But in any case... your pleas are reasonable. My ex just broke up with me 3 months ago out of the blue with no real reason, and left me with nothing but a broken heart and confused mind. I never had a chance to talk it out with her or fix anything, just like you didn't have a chance.

 

And I am happy (or happier than I was at that time) now. So keep the hope alive, but it's ok to be selfish now. This is your time.

[not_a_happy_camper]

thanks tom. glad to hear you're feeling better, glimmer of hope for us all, eh?! the thing i feel guilty about is that i had a chance..............the week after the sh*t hit the fan, he wanted to talk, but i was so gutted that i couldn't process what i wanted to say. i was so hurt, i didnt know where i was. i missed my chance to talk.............and i took it for granted he'd still be there when i wanted to talk. when i wanted to talk...........he broke up with me. isn't it stupid, i feel if someone would hug me, i'd feel better!

[DSM-IV Tom]

We tend to focus on little details like that, thinking we had the power to change x or y during that period of time, or situation. In reality, it really wouldn't have mattered what you two talked about. You don't have the power you think you did. And I know right now that even though I'm telling you these facts, you will still in the back of your mind, by the time you read this, have told yourself differently, yet again. Am I right? You still think you had power then. But you really didn't. So rest easy, and relax for once.

 

But hey, I'll hug you if you want to hug me. I like hugs too.

[not_a_happy_camper]

the world needs more hugs! hugs are great!

 

you're right though. when he wanted to talk about things, i couldn't decide how i wanted to proceed. he kept saying we had too much going for us. when i wanted to talk, saying the same things he had the week before..............it was too late. i just wish things hadn't been so messy. i know no break up is easy. but this was just confusing beyond belief. any of my friends i've spoken to about it have said the same, i've never put the whole story up here because there's just no point, there's too much detail to it!

[nature]

ok.............i just got a reply. saying thanks again for the message. i hope your well and i'll always be there for you too.

that kinda sounds final doesn't it?...........

 

Camper...I disagree with you! I don't think it sounds final at all. You say you're both stubborn, and neither of you will admit to the other that you want to be back together? I think his msg wreaks of saying he misses you and wants to be together. No guys says, "I'll always be there for you" if they are not in love with the woman. They just don't. If they feel it's over with the woman, they really don't care if they see her again. Just from my experience.

 

saying he'll always be there for you, is his subliminal way of saying he still loves you and wants to be with you. And then sending you another text after that one, reaffirming his thanks to you? OMG this guy is trying as best he can to say, Camper I miss you and I love you.

 

He's just too bloody stubborn to come out and say it. He's hoping you read between the lines. That's how I see it, anyways.

 

Why did he break up with you two months ago?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Listen, you have to step back and look at the bigger picture.

 

You talk about the things you did wrong in the relationship, like you wish you could've talked about things, etc. etc.

 

But in reality, if the relationship were meant to be, then you would've never needed to talk or anything in the first place about what you had to talk about. You have to focus on the bigger picture. You two just weren't compatible for one reason or another, and if you focus on the little details here and there, you will miss the truth. You just weren't compatible enough. That's all. You can tell yourself "But I did this and that that I could've done different".

 

But you did those things because of something. A reaction to something stemming from your guys relation to eachother. It's easy to focus and get lost on the details... but in reality, if you look in an overview, then you'll see slowly that you two just weren't compatible.

 

That probably won't make anything easier right now, and maybe even a little more painful. But you have to face the pain sometimes to get to sanity.

[not_a_happy_camper]

i can see your reasoning. believe me. and i thought the same about a month ago, believe that or not. but it's like the longer i'm away from him, the more i miss him. i've gotten over the hurt of all the things that happened in the weeks prior to the breakup. it's him not wanting to be with me that hurts the most. oh no.................i have an ego...........

[nature]

Read my above post. I think he does want to be with you.

[not_a_happy_camper]

ok.............i just got a reply. saying thanks again for the message. i hope your well and i'll always be there for you too.

that kinda sounds final doesn't it?...........

 

Camper...I disagree with you! I don't think it sounds final at all. You say you're both stubborn, and neither of you will admit to the other that you want to be back together? I think his msg wreaks of saying he misses you and wants to be together. No guys says, "I'll always be there for you" if they are not in love with the woman. They just don't. If they feel it's over with the woman, they really don't care if they see her again. Just from my experience.

 

saying he'll always be there for you, is his subliminal way of saying he still loves you and wants to be with you. And then sending you another text after that one, reaffirming his thanks to you? OMG this guy is trying as best he can to say, Camper I miss you and I love you.

 

He's just too bloody stubborn to come out and say it. He's hoping you read between the lines. That's how I see it, anyways.

 

Why did he break up with you two months ago?

 

i don't think so nature, i think it's more like "i'll be here for you if you need me, but otherwise you're not important enough for me to want to be with you"

 

i was meant to go to a family event he invited me to. he invited me a week before it was on. kept chopping and changing his mind about it all week. had a tiff on the phone night before, because i decided i didn't want to go out that night. i was too tired, thought family thing was more important. he accused me of standing him up. even though he had already arranged to meet his friends as well. i was ready for family thing next morning. sat waiting for him to pick me up. with presents. dressed up. sitting with my mum in the kitchen. he never showed up. and didn't contact me until the next evening. when he did he pretended nothing had happened. i lashed into him. i was so angry that he had treated me that way. he apologised, said he didn't know i was waiting. i said, because he didn't bother to find out. he invited me of course i was waiting. he said he didn't bother because he thought i was angry from night before. when it was he was actually the person who got angry, and behaved irrationally. he blamed his anger on message i had sent him during the week. he'd wanted to talk to me about it that night i supposedly stood him up.

 

the whole thing was a misunderstanding. we both reacted badly to it. there was other things i had been unhappy about prior to that, that i had wanted to talk to him about, but this happened first, and instead of talking about it rationally i blew up in his face and fired accusations. he genuinely seemed to have no idea what i was talking about, like it all came from nowhere. it was mostly that he was always arranging plans with his friends around weekends, even though that was the only time we really saw each other.

 

anyway, i didn't want to talk when he did, then i wanted to talk. we met up while later.............friday night he says give it a go, take things slowly. sunday he breaks up with me before we could even talk about how things were going to improve. it's all so petty. we never even got to try, that's what kills me, i'd rather have left the relationship knowing we tried, rather than giving up.

 

i wanted to continue things. but then i sent hiim an email nearly two weeks later saying we'd never be together again. this is why i keep wondering if i hadn't said this would it be different. i hate being the one to try and bridge things now, because i felt for the last while we were together, that i was the only one making us a priority. i loved his friends for sure.................but with long distance, you need to make time for each other too.

[not_a_happy_camper]

and that was the simple version of the story...................

[nature]

Oh my gosh, he sounds very passive aggressive and like a control freak. His way or the highway. The doing things with buddies on the weekend and planning without asking you first. Not considering you. Reminds me of my situation with my ex. My post is right under yours titled, "my painful, awful, sad experience". lol

But he does kind of remind me of my ex?

Oh you poor dear. This guy wasn't very committed if he could walk away that easily? He sounds immature