wish Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hi, I'm 25 and my gf is 24. She recently broke up with me. She was my first gf...taught me what a kiss is. We were both international students. We lived in the same dorm spent every living moment of the 3 years together. We fought a lot but made up. They were the most romantic and beautiful times. We had a very positive chemistry and understanding. We were very very close. She painted for me and i built ships in bottles for her i was a shy guy (cultural issues). She was a littleclingy and controlling. We used to argue until i went completely hysteric throwing things etc. for 2 years she took it and hugged me until i cooled down. I realized and tried hard to improve and things got a little better. She also helped me get over my habit of procrastination. some things i didn't like about her... I got an internship but she wasn't really happy and said i didn't deserve it. i felt bad but let it pass thinking its just her insecurity (she doent have any family or friends other than parents back in her home country). We did a lot for each other. She called me "home away from home". She meant everything to me. I Wrote her SOP's, her dad called me up and thanked me for it. My aunt was sick in hospital but i didn't visit her just to go to my GF's graduation. My aunt died the next day. We never had sex but she always said that she wants me to be the first one. She loved me with all her heart. She graduated last year and was going to go to grad school in sept. The summer before that she took up an internship in FL (june). Things were worse over long distance and i decided we should taka break for a month. The break worked and she got independent but says she was very hurt. At the end of summer we met and things were great. Her mother came to visit and stayed over. She fought with her mother for me and things looked great. Then she went to CA for grad school. Her new semester at grad school started.. we missed each other a lot and now i got possesive. Then she started studying with this guy...they were just friend but i got jealous and fought with her over it (this went on for about 2 months). We were supposed to meet for thanksgiving but she made me cancel her tickets bcos of her exams and the fights. I was possessive and angry. She broke up with me on December 20th saying that she cant stay int his any longer bcos of my anger and she was very hurt from teh break 6 mhts ago. She canceled her NY tickets saying that if we meet she'll get back together with me and doesnt want that. She didn't want o see me coz she'll melt. Since then i kept calling her and trying to convince her back. She says she breaking up with her brain and not her heart. Its been less than a month and she has moved on. She is goign on a road trip to LA with another guy, she says she likes and wants to be with. My friends keeps saying that she doesn't appreciate me. I feel she has forgotten all the good and only remembers that i hurt her. She says she will never get over me and if love is true we will meet again. i know she still has feelings for me though. She says she fondly remembers the old times. I'm on the worst shape of my life. its been a month and i cant eat or sleep. I've become sick. I love her with everything i have and really really want to be with her. It can believe someone who loved me for 3 years just left and moved on. The memories haunt me. I live in the same dorm the same place... She says she doesn't want to see me...only because she will fall back for me. Its my b'day on 23rd..should i go there and surprise her of will she really slam the door in my face? Please help...i really want her back
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Its my b'day on 23rd..should i go there and surprise her NO, do NOT go and "surprise visit" her. It is one of those times where the only way for you to get what you want is for her to do something that she does NOT want. That makes your want, and any related expectations, unreasonable. You could look at this time as being about you needing to learn how to properly take responsibility for, and care of, your own physical and mental health and well-being. That is, to not live for anyone else to the extent that you lose your own identity and you become so needy/dependent that you can't eat or sleep without her in your life. Breaking up sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But clinging onto the past also sucks in its own way. You can make a decision to not let your past impact your current or drag down your future. Hugs and good luck.
Author wish Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Thanks for the advice. Is there any way i can get her back? should i keep in touch? she i dating semoe else...and it hurts.. but i want her back whenever she wants to.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 she i dating semoe else... From what you posted, it doesn't sound like there is much chance for a reconciliation at this point, no -- SHE IS DATING SOMEONE ELSE. For you own recovery, I don't think it'll be all that wise to stay in touch with her. It sounds like 'no contact' will be your smarter option, right now -- your words are still too desperate/needy, and I'm guessing that reflects your feelings. Desperate and needy is TOTALLY unattractive -- whatever positive but PLATONIC feelings she may still have for you will be totally wiped-out if you start doing desperate/needy/pleading/begging contact. N/C is preferable for your own dignity as well as for the image of you that she is going to end up having. Yes, it hurts. But it is NOT on her to "make better" or easier for you to cope. Your healing and recovery are solely your responsibility.
Peter_pan Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 i can give the best advice here i think.. this kinda happened to me, if you really want her back, give her space , be ok with her decision to date another guy... it will be stupidly painful. i couldnt do it but looking back probably would for the outcome just hang in there dont lose contact and when they split up you will be able to get her back.. but... its up to you to decide "waiting" around for her and being a door mat, or change your own life and become a better person also people are attached to feelings which are attached to memories i.e if you made her happy when she thinks of something that reminds her of you, if a happy feeling is attached to that thought then she will remember how happy she was with you unfortunately since she remembers the feeling of anger and stuff, this is what she will remember and the new guy is creating new memories so it makes it easier to push you to the back of her mind... and thats what she means when she is saying she is thinking with her brain not heart... but because you two where together for 3 years you have at least up until the 6 month mark after to hang in there incase there is a chance of reconciliation. sorry you are going through this but your learn later that it happens to everyone
Author wish Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks but also aadd to taht fact that we are long distance. Also is this guy her rebound?
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Listen. I know ytou feel desperate, right now. I know you feel a sense of loss, unreality, a "This can't be happening!" type of feeling. Well I'm sorry, but nobody here is going to say the magic words you want to hear.... "Yes, of course she'll come back! Girls do this all the time! She'll realise her mistake and come running, fall at your feet, bury her face in your nike trainers and beg your forgiveness, she was soooo stupid, she'll never ever do this again, she'll marry you, have your children and darn your socks!" IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. IT'S OVER. FINITO. DONE. UP THE SWANNEE. NO MORE. GONE. I don't know how much more clearly anyone can say this to you, but right now you have to turn the focus of attention from her - to you. If she ever does come back, remember that whilst she's been away, she and Mr Rebound-that-might-catually-be-serious have not exactly been playing tiddlywinks. Forgive the harshness - and I know it hurts - but she's been doing the same with him as she did with you. She's more than likely had sex with him, repeatedly. Now, if this is ok for you to take her back, then Good Luck to you. Because remember one thing: If she comes back to you, it's because you are the soft-touch patsy, the fall guy, the person she knows she can wind round her little finger, play with, yank around and stay with. Until the 2nd Mr. Rebound comes along...... So know - almost with as much certainty as you are hurting now - that if she comes back, she WILL - absolutely, unquestionably, indubitably - hurt you again.
lonelygurl Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 So know - almost with as much certainty as you are hurting now - that if she comes back, she WILL - absolutely, unquestionably, indubitably - hurt you again. LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO GEISHAWHELK....what she says here is very very true. My X just did this to me for round 2. I was the fool who allowed him back into my life after almost 6 months apart with all the promises of it would be different and he would stay no matter what, and in reality it all went down the same road on both our parts. We are both to blame for not working hard enough. But he also like last time just shut down, got cold and shut me out. Hence dumped me again and here I am heart broken again. Don't go there.....let sleeping dogs lie. Feel the pain, try to heal and move on. Don't go back.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 It's over man. How can anyone say it more clearly than geisha has.
Author wish Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 I know its almost a hopeless case....but i dont want o give up...only because i think there must be some way.... The thing is we both have similar cultural backgrounds..so sex and physical closeness is not something that is very easy.(thats the reason we never did it ) What i'm trying to undestand is that what goes on oin the mind of soemone who breaks up like this. how can someone egt so close and then jstu end it all? and why is it that i am so attached to my dreams...(it doestn only applly to her but throughout my life i've never left what i really love..howeve hard or imposible its is)
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I know its almost a hopeless case....but i dont want o give up...only because i think there must be some way.... AAAAAARGHHHH!!!! NO, there isn't - !! She has well and truly broken up with you!! The thing is we both have similar cultural backgrounds..so sex and physical closeness is not something that is very easy.(thats the reason we never did it ) And possibly this is what's stopped her - so far! Don't for one moment imagine it's going to stop her again! If she's with another guy - it's because she wants to be!! What i'm trying to undestand is that what goes on oin the mind of soemone who breaks up like this. Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER - Try to 'second-guess' the thought patterns of a person who has moved on. There is nothing more you need to know. She's gone. Why spend countless, useless hours trying to figure it out? how can someone egt so close and then jstu end it all? Give me any good reason why they shouldn't if that's what they want to do? ....and why is it that i am so attached to my dreams...(it doestn only applly to her but throughout my life i've never left what i really love..howeve hard or imposible its is) Well, something you love has left you. So get real, get with the programme, get over it, and get moving! Simply because you stick with something for ever, is no reason for others to feel they have to do the same. If the rats are deserting the sinking ship, maybe the rats have a point.....?
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 This guy pisses me off. SO thick headed and blind.
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