Chinook Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Okay I posted this thread way back in December. Basically, I had an issue with my friend because of her demand that I not allow my B/F to stay at my house whilst she was there (she's gay and has a crush on me). Of course, I told her she was out of line. I wrote her a long email which basically said I was willing to continue the friendship as long as this kind of thing didn't happen again. This wasn't the first time it happened but it was the first time it was as overt as this. She was supposed to come visit me during the couple of days I was at home before flying off to Canada. Basically I told her I didn't want her to visit.... for the simple reason that my BF and I only just re-started out on our relationship and we needed time to spend together to bond and rebuild our relationship and work out how to avoid our previous issues. We're doing pretty well with it too. So I didn't see her and she made reference to coming to see me in the New Year and I said we would see and I asked my BF to come to Canada with me. My friend wasn't happy about this and made comments that she felt he wasn't right for me when that isn't true, what she actually means, she doesn't want me to have anyone. Anyhow, we put it behind us and went off to Canada. We were snowboarding and having fun as it was our favourite time of year, Christmas. 26th December I had a fall on the snowhill and sustained a really serious head injury which is still pretty bad now. CT scans showed that I had sustained a subdural brain haemorrhage. I also had a seizure post injury which has complicated things because now I am not allowed to drive and I have to take anti-seizure medication. During my hospitalisation, my BF was an absolute star. I didn't have my insurance documentation with me when I was admitted as an emergency so he paid all my medical bills up front. Anyhow, basically when I came home I slowly let people know what was happening and what had happened. I was devastated that I had to sell my car and I had to stop driving. This became clearer last week when I was referred to neurology after getting home. My friend insisted that she come up to see me in order to take care of me. I pointed out that I didn't need taking care of and my BF was here. She pushed the issue and I didn't want an argument so I actually said to her "I'm not bothered whether you come or not because so much is going on, I don't have the mental capacity to cope with anything else". So she said she was throwing some clothes in a bag and on her way. She arrived that evening and whilst she was here (from last Thursday) she didn't really need to do anything. If anything I was doing her washing with my own (not that it was an issue). Friday night we went to the cinema and I didn't ask my BF not to stay over - he stayed over almost all the time she was here. I wasn't going to discuss it with her, as far as I was concerned, she should simply deal with it. I'm not HER partner. Anyhow, Monday evening my BF and I went to bed fairly early and for the first time in a couple of weeks we got close and intimate (just cos I have a brain haemorrhage doesn't mean anything else isn't working). We were as quiet as possible and I don't think there was any issue. The next morning I got up and had to visit the Doctor for more meds. My friend got up and was rather 'off' with me. I knew why she was like that but I wasn't going to approach it with her, again I saw it that she has a problem with it, she should never have come to stay. I went to see the Doctor and came back around 30 mins later. Later that morning she was supposed to be helping me to fill out a form for the travel insurance (she used to be a travel agent). She was telling me what I needed to write and how. I was fine with this. Then suddenly when I was writing down the expenses and what needed to be paid out she said "they aren't going to pay this out you know" and I said that may happen but I wasn't that bothered. After what I have been through previously with breast cancer and now this, money isn't really that important to me. I said I was more than happy to pay my BF back in my own time and he was aware that was a possibility. Next thing she goes into a massive tirade about what I SHOULD have done and that I SHOULD have informed the medical company directly as soon as I was admitted to hospital. I pointed out that a) I was unconscious when I was admitted to ER and b) I was never provided with the Medicard with the details on it to contact them. I also pointed out that she was being unrealistic and I was admitted as an emergency and there was no possible way I could have informed them before treatment was instigated because I was in a critical condition!!! She started to get stroppy with me and said I should have informed the tour operator rep as soon as possible. I pointed out that as soon as I was conscious, I gave my BF the tour operator rep number and asked him to call him..!!!! At this point she started to get even more stroppy and said that my BF should have reported my condition to the medical insurance people. I pointed out that not only was he not supposed to be there but if it was anyone's responsibility, it was that of the medical people and seeing as I was unconscious, they didn't have access to the details. It dawned on me as soon as she said it was my BFs fault we were in this position that she had been looking for a fight all along. I have to admit, I hit the roof. I was absolutely appalled that not only had she gone off on one at me when I'm sick and need to have as little stress as possible but she had gone off on one about something which had already passed and I could do NOTHING about... then to add to that lot, she decided to bring my boyfriend into it. I admit, I shouted at her that she was out of line and to quit being such a child about things. I told her that the argument was completely stupid and irrelevant. It would have been very different if she was advising me at a point that I could do something different but she was criticising me and making me feel bad about something which happened two weeks before and which happened when I was in a critically ill condition. I was absolutely fuming. I was fuming because this blew up from nowhere and there was absolutely no need for it. I asked her to leave. That happened on Tuesday. I have not seen or heard from her since. She has made no effort to apologise. She has made no effort to see things from my point of view and instead criticised me for the way I spoke to her. I am absolutely aghast that not only could she sit there criticising me and belittling what I did or didn't do when I was critically ill... but I'm also criticised for standing up for myself and telling her she was out of line. I have spoken to a couple of friends about this and they have both said 'walk away' because I've put up with over a year of her jealousy issues and her crush on me and its getting to the point now where I just don't know what else I can do to deal with it. So I wanted to ask you guys as an unbiased source of opinion. I haven't contacted her at the moment because my headache is still pretty bad and I'm due a new scan on Tuesday so I didn't want to do anything which will increase my stress levels. What do you guys think...?
Trialbyfire Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you. What a horrible experience. Hopefully, everything's going to be okay. Consider this bitch a write-off. Her actions and words, speak about her character. In times of real need, your friends support you, not try to push selfish personal agendas.
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 In a word? You were absolutely completely right to act the way you did. i think she has serious issues and that the perception of your role in her life is completely polarised and disproportionate. You are completely riight to walk away because she will never see, as things stand, that this is her problem, of her own making and that it has ballooned because of her irrational behaviour. You are definitely right to ditch her and regard her as a 'flaky friend'. Worse. In a word.
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 (Oh by the way (how rude of me!) I wish you all the best for a speedy recovery and I hope everything pans out really well for you, health wise. I know it might seem like a weird suggestion, but you could do a lot worse than consider meditation as a tool to actually help your brain heal. It's a proven fact that the brain behaves in a calmer more positive way under meditation, so there is nothing to say it wouldn't benefit from that. Just a thought. Be well, stay well, good luck.
Author Chinook Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Trialbyfire: Thanks lady. You're right. I guess I'm feeling a bit disappointed because it's not like I haven't bent over backwards for this friendship and pretty much received very little in return. I guess a lot of the time, part of my motivation was that I was pretty much alone after splitting with my ex two years ago and I didn't like to burden people with how I was doing (or not as the case was sometimes)... so I guess having a friend to talk to almost daily online or via email made it easier not to have to face things head on and it made it easy to ignore her crush. I guess with a real-life friendship which would have developed face-to-face the crush thing would have become apparent and would have had to be dealt with alot sooner. Geishawhelk: Thanks lady. I think you're right about my position being more than she seems to think it is. Like I said to TBF above, half the problem I guess is I have never really had to do anything to enforce the appropriate position. Secondly, I'm pretty laid back and I tend not to allow small things to worry me too much so I saw the crush thing as a minor thing. Now, I'm really annoyed with myself because if I'd have brought it up sooner at a more appropriate point, maybe some of this difficulty could have been avoided. I have no control over how she feels about me - but I do have control over enforcing appropriate boundaries. I didn't see it as an issue until she started to pull the crap that she has recently - by which time, things have plainly gone too far. Both: As for my health, hopefully things are progressing as they should be. It's a relatively slow process and I'm still feeling like rubbish alot of the time but I'm slowly making progress. I have a headache alot of the time and I'm nauseous and dizzy... but according to the neuro guy, this will improve but it may take 'several weeks'. CT scans showed a relatively large blood clot so that will take some time to re-absorb. The surgeons aren't interested in opening my skull or drilling holes in it at the moment. So that's a relief. So, basically I'm taking things easy and not doing a great deal to tax my brain. Geishawhelk, thanks for the suggestion, I do think meditation may help - my problem at the moment is my concentration is very poor. For me to meditate successfully I have to concentrate on my focus alot and at the moment, I'm having some difficulty with that. That said, I get tired more easily and the brain seems to simply switch itself off - since my accident I haven't really slept a normal sleep but it feels literally like someone unplugged me and switched me off. I'm assuming that's the brain's way of repairing so I'm not questioning it at the moment. Also I'm not going to rush back to work until I can cope with stress without getting a headache and feeling physically stressed. Thanks again you guys.
Author Chinook Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 *sigh* It's been six days now. I seriously began to think it was done with and she wasn't going to bother me. But this afternoon she sends the message via Yahoo IM "hello". I ignored it and closed the program. I didn't want to talk to her. I feel stressed just thinking about this. I know I'm going to have to deal with the confrontation at some point but, you would think wouldn't you, knowing what I've physically been dealing with that she'd leave me the hell alone...?! Is it too much to ask that people quit being so bloody selfish...?! EDIT: oh and the kicker is that on my Yahoo IM, I had her MSN ID set to "appear offline to friend x" and this morning I had deleted her ID. So it would appear that when you delete an ID... Yahoo still allows the person to see you're online. So that's useful ain't it..?! :(
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I think you actually have to block her. I think that's possible.
Author Chinook Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 A-hah! I found a setting which says 'ignore anyone who is not on my IM list'. So, hopefully that would work. Hopefully peace will reign.
Recommended Posts