nature Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 My ex of 3 yrs broke up with me 8 months ago. We were fighting constantly over the fact I'm new to this town last few yrs, while he has lived here always. He has a huge (and I mean huge) social group who have been friends since highschool and there whole adult yrs. I love friends. But his are such a part of his life that I felt like i was dating 20 guys, rather than one. He told me constantly he felt torn between me and his friends. Never wanted him to have to choose. Just wanted to feel as important to his life as his friends. but more and more we'd fight because he'd blow me off for some big party weekend with his guy friends, etc. He saw most of his friends at least 4 nights a wk. he kept telling me to be patient. He would grow up one of these days. telling me we need to move away so he can get away from them all. i'd say, we shouldn't have to move for you to be able to say no to them once in awhile and they should understand and be happy for you that you love me. anyhow, we just started fighting. we are both stubborn. in our mid-30s. finally one day we were looking at moving in together, and he freaked out, turned red, had a huge anxiety attack, said he couldn't do it, and ended it. that was 8 months ago. we didn't talk for first 2 months. after that he came by to see me a few times. i was upset still but didn't beg for him back. told him it is what it is, it hurts because i think we could have figured things out if we'd both made compromises etc. but that I accept the break up. the last few months he's been emailing me weekly. says flattering things to me. i just answered very matter of factly and almost like I would in my job. kind, polite, respectful but not lovey dovey. he decided to go away for a few months. to quote, "figure out his life, and try to figure out what to do". he went to Mexico for 3 months. he left beginning of Dec. At first he started emailing me about our relationship and how he quote, "thinks he tried so hard to be a good boyfriend and how he kept asking me to be patient...blah blah blah". I just wrote back that we need to agree to disagree, because we are never goign to agree on this. I don't think he tried hard enough in the relationship. But I was nice and polite to him and told him I didn't want to fight anymore. So he started emailing me from there, telling me all about it. making comments about things, saying "he knows if I were there I'd...blah blah blah". etc. He would write at the end, sending you a hug, and xoxo. Finally right before Xmas I'd had enough. it was too confusing. His last email was on Dec 20th telling me he hopes I'll have a nice Xmas, telling me all about things in Mex, sending me a hug, xoxo. I ignored it and haven't responded since. Because during this time he was emailing me, I found out thru mutual friends that 4 of his buddies were going down to Mex to stay with him for 6 wks. Exactly what he had not told me, and contradicted the whole reason he wrote me that he was goign there. I've never confronted him. I just don't want to fight. So I went NC Confused by him.
sjguy34 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 in a way your situation is like mine, U got tired of giving and wanted somthing in return so u get frustrated and ended things. Im going through the same deal in a way just diff reasons but same idea, when I ended things she said after a week that it was a good call and we both took a long look at things that we both did wrong, Im overly sensitive and push, shes stuborn and my pushing pushed her away. relationships are give and take, yrs ago b4 my current ex I used to do what your bf was doing, friends more important than the gf(or so it seems to the girl) but not so its kinda like taking somone for granted even though it doesnt mean u care about her any less. maybe diff with your ex but I do know one thing if u wernt getting what u need u did the right thing in leaving him. as for keeping the lines of comunication open or not , it all depends on how bad u want things to work or if u think they can, I think going NC is overly used, its more or less a means of stepping away and recovering your sanity and putting things behind u. My thoughts ......if u think it can work, that u guys have somthing and its mutual and both are willing to learn and compromise, dont go NC but dont let him "have his cake and eat it too" think of yourself as number one . Im no DR phil and have alot to learn , just my 2 cents.
Author nature Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Thanks SJGuy! Actually, he ended things. lol He broke up with me!! In May. But since then, he stopped by a few things, and started emailing me slowly over the months. But he's never said he wants me back. And my pride won't let me say that, because he dumped my butt. lol And he wrote all these letters from Mex the first few wks he was there, telling me needed to get away from everyone and everything. That he is struggling and needs to figure himself out. Never once did he mention that his big "finding himself" trip away for a few months, included some of his old buddies coming down for 6 wks to be with him. they are the exact reason he wrote me that he was going away, to get away from everything and everyone and all the usual bullsh*t. He doesn't know I know they are all down there. But I'd made a wise crack in one fo our emials that i bet some of his buddies will go down, because the guys are so dependent on one antoher its insane. They can't go a day without all talking. They know everything about each others live, gossip, etc. I couldn't handle it. Still, after 3 yrs together I was willing to stay and work on things. He was the one who ended it. He couldn't find the balance between havign a girlfriend and having this huge group of buddies. So as he wrote me, "he threw in the towel". I haven't written him back since his xmas email becasue I knew all his buddies were going down. And it just made me think, "of course they are. the exact reason why our relationship didn't work out. because he can't say no to them." He would tell me he didn't want to hang out with them that much, but then he would. his actions contradicted his words. and still did even from Mex. I am doing NC because I am hurt and I was going crazy inside. Picturing him having so much fun away partying with his buddies in MEx while I'm here in the cold working. lol Perhaps I'm a little bitter. lol
sjguy34 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 whoops ,what I meant was if u tried everything u could, played all your cards and he wasnt willing to compromise, then u did the right thing in leaving him. sorry, the way my reply sounded to me was that its ok to break up with somone u realy care, about if ur frustrated. Im not much of a writer lol
Author nature Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 He left me!!! He broke up with me!!! lol Yet has kept in touch writing to me explaining why he "threw in the towel". Telling me I wasn't being patient enough for him to figure out how to have a girlfriend. This guy is in his mid 30s. lol In one of my bitter moments, I just wrote him back and said "we need to agree to disagree. You think I wasn't patient enough. I think I was too patient, giving 3 yrs of my life to someone who wanted his cake and to eat it too. Me in your life as your girlfriend, while running around behaving and acting like your single". So he broke up wtih me, yet was writing to me about why he did, etc. Confuses me. To me, if you break up with someone, it means you don't want them in your life anymore. but then he kept writing, sending me hugs, xoxo's, etc.
sjguy34 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 sorry I missunderstood but as for breaking up with somone meaning u never want them in your life anymore, its not true, I broke up with mine out of sheer frustration and giving up, and miss her like crazy,want her back but i know there r some things we both need to change, so we can make things work .I read your post heading and def related.
Trialbyfire Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Sometimes people maintain contact for selfish reasons. They want to know that someone out there still cares about them but don't want to lose the freedom of being single.
Author nature Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Thank you everyone. I'm so sad. I posted this in coping as well, because I just feel so torn up. Picturing him in Mexico with all his friends having the time of his life on the trip we'd planned to do together. And it hurts. And it hurts. A few times in the summer when he stopped by he told me quote "he still thinks we're meant to be together and one day we'll get back together". This enraged me. And has kept me stronger. That he thinks he can just waltz off and then back into my life when he's whatever. Oh it hurts. I'm trying. I really am.
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