beautifulearth83 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Thank you if you read this. I promise that it is fluent. Any amount of thoughts or guidance that you could afford would be much appreciated. I have a roommate who I've considered to be a friend. It's seems that every once in awhile he'll come to me out of almost nowhere and talk to me about what is getting him down. The last time this happened, which was recently, we were outside and he asked me out of the blue how I was doing mentally. I told him that I was fine and I asked him why. Then he told me because he himself wasn't doing ok mentally. So he told me some things and I told him it's all in his head and I said some things to make him laugh. But then we went inside an I prepared some food and as I was eating he sat at the table with me. He started talking more about his problems and asked me for reassurance that he isn't going crazy. So I told him that I didn't think so and that he has people that care about him and other advice etc. It really seems to go in one ear and out the other with him and he later stated tht he was hoping for a different kind of advice from me such as what he should do with his life. The point is that I have ended up feeling so drained from this and things have seemed to be going so well for me lately. I can't help but feel that he could see how happy and well I was doing, so he had to find a way to get a piece of it. So now the past few days I've been down and obsessing over this occurrence while he has seemed his normal self and generally happy. I can't help but feel knocked down a bit and taken advantage of. This has left me bitter and angry which just fuels it. I have it in me to forgive and I intend to do so completely. I just want to know what exactly is happening and what I can do to prevent it from happening again, or how I can respond. I sucks that I feel I would have to protect myself. This has happened before and I've gotten through it in time, but now it just kind of feels like strike 3.
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Congratulations. You are living with an Emotional Vampire, and he is sucking you dry. Allow me to illustrate: every once in awhile he'll come to me out of almost nowhere and talk to me about what is getting him down. .....He started talking more about his problems and asked me for reassurance that he isn't going crazy. ..... It really seems to go in one ear and out the other with him.....he was hoping for a different kind of advice from me such as what he should do with his life. The point is that I have ended up feeling so drained .... he could see how happy and well I was doing, so he had to find a way to get a piece of it. ...... I've been down and obsessing over this occurrence while he has seemed his normal self and generally happy. I...feel knocked down a bit and taken advantage of. This has left me bitter and angry which just fuels it. See the pattern...? I just want to know what exactly is happening and what I can do to prevent it from happening again, or how I can respond. I know exactly how you can do this. It's so easy, like you wouldn't believe.....
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 OMG! You've just changed your avatar! And i'm a dog behaviourist - I LOVE wolves!!
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 OK, this is what you do. When he's self-absorbed and talking about whatever gets him down, turn the focus on yourself and say, "Wel, I do such-and-such, and everything is just so good for me in that area, right now, I am so happy about that! Do you want a coffee...?" Deflect off him, change the subject. That quickly. Immediately. He'll persist. Then you can say, "Yes, I know it can be or seem that way, but I did or said this.....and that really works for me, it's great!" What he needs - what he's wanting, or trying to do - is to be the focus of your mind. He needs, wants or is trying to make you take on his problms, and find him a solution. He wants to completely offload, so that you can carry the burden, the worry, the negativity, and he can walk away unburdened. And it's worked, so far. Now, by turning the focus off of his negativity, and putting it on how good you feel, this plants it firmly back in his lap. Whatever he comes up with, focus on its direct positive mirror or opposite of that in your life, and voice and express that. It really works. They are vampires. They can't live in sunshine.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Man I love you. lol. Thanks a lot! I will definitely try this. Thanks again.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 OMG! You've just changed your avatar! And i'm a dog behaviourist - I LOVE wolves!! Awesome. I love them too!
Author beautifulearth83 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 I need to add to this a bit just for my own sake. The trouble I have with these types of situations is that there is a huge part of me or my mind that wants to help. I feel selfish if I don't share the knowledge that is helping me. But when Something like this comes at me off guard, I don't always really know what to say and I don't want to give advice that I haven't really learned myself yet. So in this case, I ended up thinking for days after what I would have said to him if I could have done the situation over. Then I feel this responsibility toward the person. The fact is that he is a good friend and I care about him, but I have such a hard time with that line between doing and thinking for others and doing and thinking for myself. Anyway, I just wanted to state that I can take responsibility for how I handle these types of things and that I don't wish it to be a judgement or anything of the other person. I wish these types of things wouldn't affect me to such a painful degree. I don't like being angry and bitter. It feels so unnecessary and is so hard to understand. Also, I wonder if focusing on another's problems is a way for me to project mine. He came to me with questions concerning things I could sympathize with, the trouble is that when I'm doing well I don't want to do things to knock me off or disturb my flow so to speak. Anyway, I'll stop typing, I just felt I had to fess up a bit more concerning what's happening on my side of the fence.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I feel selfish if I don't share the knowledge that is helping me. Using the strategy that Geisha suggested, you definitely WOULD be sharing your knowledge. And, you have likely been doing that, anyway, even though not in the way that Geisha outlined. The thing is that HE has not been receptive to your knowledge -- as pointed out, that may not be what he is after...more like he wants YOU to "catch his fish" for him, not teach him how to fish. He's not demonstrating an interest to learn as much as to suck you dry. That is HIM being selfish (and dysfunctional), not you.
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 What's happening on your side of the fence is your concern, something you are aware of and working with. Don't let it complicate this issue. The fact is, sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind. You've heard of "tough Love".....? Some people begin to be so dependent on us for help that they abdicate responsibility for thinking for themselves. These type of people are a dead give-away. They never follow through with advice you give them, and constantly whinge about how everything seems to go against them. The "good guys" are the ones who seek your counsel (and there's nothing wrong with saying - "D'you know, I'm not sure how to help here. Can I think abou this?") and then actually actively work to change things for themselves... Your own fear of being unsettled is an insecurity in your own abilities to maintain a constant. You think that at any moment, if ypou take your eyes off the ball, you'll drop everything. Well, guess what? It happens all the time. Up down, up down, up down, that's how it goes. And that's ok. We cannot constantly maintain an upward climb, it's so exhausting. But providing we keep our mental attitude on an even keel, and know that things fluctuate, then it's easier to ride the waves. As someone said once, On the Great Ocean of Life, with life's waves (ups and downs) don't be the 'Sufferer'... be the Surfer!!
Author beautifulearth83 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Thank you Ronni. I'm trying to let go of the anger and move past it and be nice. I can admit that I have my ups and downs and that when I get down it's pretty bad, but it's a little easier when I feel responsible for it and I can use my own tools to fix my own problems. Because in a way I guess the knowledge I've gained and the tools I do have are best catered to my problems. Having the analytical and creative mind that I have, when somebody comes to me with their problems, I tend to spend a lot of time deciphering their problems and analyzing them in an attempt to find a solution. That's why I am at my best when I am surrounded by people who are positive and doing well. I'm not saying it's wrong to not be doing well. It's just that as I'm trying to make things better for myself and push through while cultivating more positive aspects of my life, certain occurrences can ask as fuel for a fire that is trying to die out, if that makes sense on the level of words. One way I'm looking at it is that these things are challenges that make me stronger and help push me in whatever direction I'm going. But when I'm down, I can get very down. I don't have much a tolerance for the stress is what I think I'm starting to find. It's hard also because when there is a glitch or a hiccup in my progress it sometimes takes me awhile to let it go and that makes it harder for me to focus on myself and the beauty in life because of all the thinking and analyzing. It's so hard for me to accept that things can't be good all the time, I guess.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hey, Beautiful. Honestly, it sounds as if you are doing very well in your primary mission -- which is taking best care possible of YOU. I do know what it's like to have "negative" people around, when I'm not feeling to solid and centred within my 'self' -- way too easy to fall right onto the side where I prefer NOT to be <sigh>. The thing that I am seeing is that it is your...desire?...willingness?...to take on the role of psychoanalyst for other people, that is causing you to deplete and exhaust yourself. Not that you don't have many good psychotherapeutic tools that you can share with them but that, if in that process you are draining yourself, it isn't all that self-responsible of you -- kind of you'd then become "self-selfish" . Maybe a question is: If you had to choose between abandoning yourself and your own personal growth and/or spiritual development goals, and limiting your interactions with him (that is, others who deplete you), what would you choose?
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