hereandnow Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Well I had coffee with my ex gf Wed. We've been broken up for almost 3 months now. She's 33, I'm 27. We were together a little over 6 months. It was my first relationship due to the fact that I spent earlier years in active drug addiction. 18 months sober now! Anyway, it being my first relationship is, I believe, what has led to the tremendous amount of pain associated with the breakup. Honestly, I was still hoping to reconcile. So we're having coffee, and she starts with the "I'm so glad we can be friends" routine. I blow it off, and ask her about this guy we both know who she's been hanging out with. I asked her because no one believes anything he says (he makes some really outrageous claims) and I wanted to see what she thought about it. Well, it turns out they're dating! Whoopee! She thought I already knew. I go into shock for a minute. I almost physically threw up. Pretty much a panic attack. I couldn't believe she would be dating this particular guy. She had actually pulled me aside one time to let me know that she wasn't. She said "I hope we can get coffee again sometime." I told her that this wasn't going to happen, that we couldn't be friends because friends can talk about their relationships with each other. It gets really awkward at this point. One of the most awkward situations of my entire life. She wanted to know if I had anything to say. I did tell her I still miss her/care about her. She said she still cares a lot for me etc. She wanted to know what I thought about this new guy, so I told her I don't trust him at all. I told her a couple of things that freaked her out a little bit (these are things about him). I told her I wasn't trying to poison him in her mind or anything, but she wanted to know. She thinks he has proven himself to her (at this point at least). She said to get in touch with her if I wanted to connect again. So, it ended really awkwardly and it was quite painful, but I do have some closure now. I was really worried for a while about who I would find out she was dating, but at least now I know. I never managed to maintain NC for very long, but now there's no point to contact her. It has been a hard road up to this point, and I'm not over her yet, but this really changes the way I think about the whole thing. Any advice/support appreciated.
lastnight Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I feel really bad for you my man. Learning of an ex's new love interest, especially when it's somebody you know is probably going to one of the toughest things you'll have to deal with if you're not completely emotionless and 100% over her (who ever really get's over somebody 100%). I think from a lot of posts on the board this is what nc and dropping the friends thing does to protect you from this. Out of sight out of mind. I'm still yet to see my ex since she broke it off, we've spoken on the phone a bit and it's not a messy breakup but I still know that first time I bump into her whenever that will be my stomach will go. Chin up though, at least you can draw a line as best you can now and know that if she's capable of moving on so you will be able to without that door being left there ajar.
durotto Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Knowing about your past addiction my first worry is for you ... Please do not fall into your old habits again and keep on talking to us .. .. we are here for you .. My ex broke up with me in oct and now in Jan she is engaged to get married to someone else .. . I had those panic attacks when I was pleading to her to get back together .. but she just said no and she wanted to move on .. NC .. and NC only two threads by Caliguy on NC . Go through them .. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/
Author hereandnow Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 I appreciate the replies. Don't worry, durotto, my sobriety is still going strong. After relapsing a few times I've really internalized the fact that drinking or using isn't going to work for me. And I make a ton of meetings. Feeling all right so far today. Not good, just all right. I'm sure I'll be going out with some friends in a little while and be able to bitch about this latest development some more. Wish I was spiritually fit enough not to have to do that but ah, what the hell. I'm siure I'll be feeling pretty good later tonight. But man, I feel for you durotto. Ouch. That is one of the things that still scares me, that my ex is going to run full steam into marriage just a few months after dating me. Like I was some kind of warmup, or that I broke her in. On that note, it's funny how much I turn everything around on myself when I know that it isn't the truth. For instance, thinking what the f*** kind if a man am I if my girlfriend would rather date a guy like that. I know I'm a really good guy and there's really no truth to these kinds of thoughts, but it's hard not to think that way. We had a really good relationship, I never lied to her, I was completely open, so it's her loss. I'm curious, lastnight, how long since your breakup?
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