moveon Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Sometime I get jealous of friends and family that are doing better than me, I know I shouldn't be feeling that way, I should feel happy for them. But I just can't help to have that sour and jealous feeling toward them. Do I have a problem ? How can I stop being jealous ??
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Not that you have a problem but that it is a mistake (error in thinking) to compare yourself with others. That it is an unfavourable comparison suggests that you are not appreciating the talents, strengths, skills, abilities and positive qualities that you do possess. How to turn it around is by focusing on your current positives, continuing to add to the list of strengths, skills and abilities, and working to improve those areas that you feel are the "weak". Also, of course, to stop comparing yourself to others -- they have their unique positives and negatives, and so do you.
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I do the same. I find myself jealous of my closest friends and boyfriend - people that really I should be happy for and supportive of. I think it relates back to if you don't fully love yourself, then you can't love others. So if you can't be content in your own skin, then those around you only provoke feelings of envy or discontent within yourself. I don't really know the way out of this either. I also have noticed I have a lot of friends who 'aren't going anywhere' - almost as though this makes me feel better about myself? Weird!
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Only person in this topic who hit it was Ronni_W. He (or she, I'm sorry, it's a uni sexual name) is right. Anyways, it is usually (and most commonly) based on insecurity. Don't worry friend, many people (including me) do this. But it is insecurity. How to change it? Listen to Ronni. I'm not sure if I could've given a better path than him (or her) for you to follow. You need to improve your self-esteem/confidence. In a more extreme scenario, you could be suffering from an anxiety disorder. You can check out a professional for very simple help regarding this. In a 100% worst case scenario, you are suffering from narcissism.
Frankasy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You wanna stop being jealous of your friends? Well make them jealous of you. It's simple, you don't need to change friends because even your new friends will be better than you in certain things which will make you jealous again. In other words your situation is pretty much inevitable, it happens to almost everyone in a certain point of their life. Think of it as a challenge. Try to beat your friends at their own game, that way not only they will feel jealous of you but you'll also feel much better than yourself. Try very hard, train physically or mentally(Depends on what you're focusing on) and give it your best shot when you have an opportunity. If you fail don't worry, there are plenty other stuff where you could show your skills. Just keep in mind that you mustn't give up, at least not that easily.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Frank, that advice, frankly (no pun intended) is terrible. Why do I have a bad feeling you're a self focused body builder? The key isn't to make your friends jealous. (Are you serious, frank?) The key is to find out what is going on in your head, that you're unhappy about as far as YOU go, that is permitting jealousy (feelings of inadequacy). You don't need to make your friends jealous to get back at them. You need to correct the issue within your life that permits the jealousy/envy. My God, frank, please, do not give advice ever again if this is an accurate representation of your type of advice.
Frankasy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Frank, that advice, frankly (no pun intended) is terrible. Why do I have a bad feeling you're a self focused body builder? The key isn't to make your friends jealous. (Are you serious, frank?) The key is to find out what is going on in your head, that you're unhappy about as far as YOU go, that is permitting jealousy (feelings of inadequacy). You don't need to make your friends jealous to get back at them. You need to correct the issue within your life that permits the jealousy/envy. My God, frank, please, do not give advice ever again if this is an accurate representation of your type of advice. Ok let me try to compare our talk with an example. You're a very mature person, always give advice to everyone but you're surrounded but a bad society. They always use fists instead of words even though they know it's wrong. Why? Because when someone offends/hits them, their first reaction will be a not so well mature one. They might regret it later but I can guarantee you that almost everyone will try to get back at the person who without a reason offended/hit them including you. People go to anger management to control their anger, they do when they're in that classroom but in life they'll have plenty of occasions to get nervous and what will be the first thing that comes to their mind, what they learnt in anger management or how to get angry? Basically what I'm trying to say is that everyone dreams of a perfect worlds, where everyone follows the rules, are polite and friendly in every time no matter what, in a world where a book isn't judged by it's cover, where money can't buy happiness but even the most optimistic person about this kind of world will snap eventually. Sure the author of this thread could do what you told her, get a check-up, try to use logic but believe me that won't stop her/his friends from making her jealous un-purposely. How will she/he feel? What, you think that they're gonna take a deep breath, think of what she did/thought the last time and be calm, do you think that everything will go away? No of course not and it'll happen again and again, what will she/he do? Picture it like this if you didn't get me, a mouse comes in your house, you catch it but spare it's life by letting it live. The chances of that mouse returning to your house are small but not 0. You kill that mouse, sure it would be cruel, the bad way to solve the problem but you can guarantee that the mouse will never show up again. Same thing with the author of this thread's problem, she can use logic but logic won't solve everything permanently, her/his friends won't suddenly stop being successful in life.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Frank you're justifying what you're saying with delusions (or over exaggerated examples). Listen, the fact the TC is GETTING jealous by his/her friends is the problem. A CONTENT PERSON DOES NOT GET JEALOUS TO THE POINT THEY MAKE A TOPIC REGARDING IT. This topic creator is above and beyond the point of normality (which I define as the attitude that the greatest majority of people display on a constant basis). It's not this topic creators friends faults (If it were ONE friend doing this, we'd talk, but not MANY like the TC is complaining about). The problem lies in HER/HIS head frank, and she/he needs to defeat her feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. That will quench her feelings of envy and jealousy. Your lessons and views of the world, however valid, are truly not relevant in this scenario. You are completely off. You are telling TC to get back at her/his friends for making her/him jealous. This will turn into a snowball effect, and only AMPLIFY her feelings of inadequacy and insecurity down the road. Please, please try to understand this. Do not lead this TC in the direction you are leading them.
Frankasy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Frank you're justifying what you're saying with delusions (or over exaggerated examples). Listen, the fact the TC is GETTING jealous by his/her friends is the problem. A CONTENT PERSON DOES NOT GET JEALOUS TO THE POINT THEY MAKE A TOPIC REGARDING IT. This topic creator is above and beyond the point of normality (which I define as the attitude that the greatest majority of people display on a constant basis). It's not this topic creators friends faults (If it were ONE friend doing this, we'd talk, but not MANY like the TC is complaining about). The problem lies in HER head frank, and she needs to defeat her feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. That will quench her feelings of envy and jealousy. Your lessons and views of the world, however valid, are truly not relevant in this scenario. You are completely off. You are telling TC to get back at her/his friends for making her/him jealous. This will turn into a snowball effect, and only AMPLIFY her feelings of inadequacy and insecurity down the road. Please, please try to understand this. Do not lead this TC in the direction you are leading them. Oh right so what was the "Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being" section made for? So that people talk about sports? It was made exactly for these kinds of occasions and you are overreacting because you are proclaiming that moveon is sick and that he must get help. No it's not like that, all of us have negative thoughts on different things in life, some of us might not make topics on forums about it but even if we do, it doesn't mean that we're sick or need help. We've simply lost our way and are looking for directions. We were all kids right? So you're telling me that when a friend of yours got a new toy which none of you had you didn't get jealous and in fact your first reaction was that why where those jealous thoughts popped into your head? Please spare me the technical talk. You got jealous, admit it. You got jealous when a friend got a better grade than you in school, when a friend got a job instead of you etc etc. Like I said it's the first reaction, how to get back or how to not feel jealous and that isn't done by going all philosophic with yourself. From the way you put it, you're telling him to go to a therapist. Like I said people shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but they do even though you tell them not too and the only way they'll learn from their mistakes is to get burned if you know what I'm talking about, not wonder why they did it. A thief steals although it's against the law but they will only learn that when they get caught. Same thing with moveon except that the "toy/grade/job" he is jealous of is life. The only way to feel good and not jealous is if he get's the "toy/job/grade" himself too or even a better one, not by thinking why he's jealous. Please look at reality, not imagination.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Listen, your mentality and view isn't invalid. It has basis and I'm sure you could help people with it. But this isn't the case here. You talk about how we were once kids. BUT WE ARENT ANYMORE. So don't teach this TC that since he's jealous, he needs to make his friends jealous in return. What the hell? Do you seriously defend that logic? I don't think you're an idiot frank, thus why I'm explaining this to you. You just need to understand that he isn't jealous of one friend, he is jealous of many. That would lead one to believe that it's probable that the issue is within HIS head. Do you get constantly jealous of your friends? I know I don't. Sure, I do few and far between, but mostly no I don't. This is because I value what I am good at, and my talents/skills (as ronni has stated above). Please understand Frank that it is very probable that the issue is the TC is insecure and has inadequacy issues. Unhappy with his life, possibly. AND I AM HELPING HIM BY MAKING LIGHT OF THOSE POSSIBILITIES. I am putting this forum to good use. You on the other hand, are telling him BASICALLY that two wrongs make a right. (Not that his friends did anything wrong by making him jealous; but HE sees it as wrong, since he is bothered by it). You are missing the greater picture frank. You are looking at things black and white.
wuggle Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Sometime I get jealous of friends and family that are doing better than me, I know I shouldn't be feeling that way, I should feel happy for them. But I just can't help to have that sour and jealous feeling toward them. Do I have a problem ? How can I stop being jealous ?? What are they doing better than you at ? can't be everything !
Frankasy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Listen, your mentality and view isn't invalid. It has basis and I'm sure you could help people with it. But this isn't the case here. You talk about how we were once kids. BUT WE ARENT ANYMORE. So don't teach this TC that since he's jealous, he needs to make his friends jealous in return. What the hell? Do you seriously defend that logic? I don't think you're an idiot frank, thus why I'm explaining this to you. You just need to understand that he isn't jealous of one friend, he is jealous of many. That would lead one to believe that it's probable that the issue is within HIS head. Do you get constantly jealous of your friends? I know I don't. Sure, I do few and far between, but mostly no I don't. This is because I value what I am good at, and my talents/skills (as ronni has stated above). Please understand Frank that it is very probable that the issue is the TC is insecure and has inadequacy issues. Unhappy with his life, possibly. AND I AM HELPING HIM BY MAKING LIGHT OF THOSE POSSIBILITIES. I am putting this forum to good use. You on the other hand, are telling him BASICALLY that two wrongs make a right. (Not that his friends did anything wrong by making him jealous; but HE sees it as wrong, since he is bothered by it). You are missing the greater picture frank. You are looking at things black and white. First of all let's get one thing straight, he/she(Not sure of the author of this thread's gender) didn't specify if he was jealous with all of his friends or just a few. You specified many which means not all which means that he could hang out with the ones he/she isn't jealous of which means that he still has friends which means that he has no problems so stop saying that he does. I didn't see him post that he was jealous of everyone that surrounded him. Maybe making your friends jealous cause you're jealous of them isn't the answer in every situation but it isn't a wrong, I fail to see how you see it wrong. You answer a bullet with a bullet, a punch with a punch, you fight fire with fire. You don't fight fire by wondering why it's lit. Believe me, I'm not looking at this in black and white but you're only seeing one side of the box. I'm gonna tell you this one more time, be realistic. Everything you are saying is just theory, you need to be specific. First of all I wanted to say that jealous surrounds us since we are kids when someone gets a new toy, to continue when you go in school when someone gets a higher grade than you or gets accepted in a university and you don't or even in the adult life when someone get's a job instead of you. In all those cases, I repeat all of them you don't say oh well that's it, I better go home and do something else. You get jealous and how do you solve this, by getting help as you are proclaiming? Sure ok I went to the doctor, he gave me pills etc etc and now I'm ok but when I miss another opportunity or even when someone shows off in front of me cause he seized that opportunity instead of me, I won't guarantee that I'll take my pills and be ok. Basically what you're saying is that you should walk away from life's battles. You should always feel like dirt cause you're afraid of getting hurt. What's the worst that could happen if you try to make your friends jealous of you, the worst could be you losing that friendship and not losing your head. You have a bully problem at school, what do you do, hide behind your mom's dress? Sooner or later you gotta stand up for yourself and fight your own battles. Going to a doctor and getting help is hiding. So how's it gonna continue, each time moveon has a jealousy problem, he's gonna go to a doc? No, he/she's gonna solve it so that it won't happen again. Going to a doctor is like taking a pill, it only helps you for a couple of hours but not forever, doing the operation will get rid of the sickness forever if you see where I'm going. Ok so let's say that doctors and clinics are moveon's only salvation, what will happen if there are not doctors or clinics when he/she gets jealous? What will she/he do? Unlike your solution to his/her problem, I think that the solution are actions and words sometimes which will always be with him/her no matter where he/she is. Let I said before, you go to anger management, you find a way to control your anger but when you go outside, find out that someone has double parked and you can't move, when that person thinks that he's right and you're wrong, when that person starts to insult you cause you are out of patience, you won't just take a deep breath and act like you're somewhere else cause in reality, you're still there and once you open your eyes you'll still be there. How do you deal with it? Well in this anger case you have to make him realize that he shouldn't talk to you like that in one way or the other. In moveon's case, well there's nothing he could say to his friends but only to his/her self and that is to not give up but try their best into stopping that jealous and I repeat the only way is by making him/her self feel good, by reaching the heights of his/her friends and family or even by being more than them. But hiding, being all phsycological on yourself is not good and will only make you a turtle who hides when danger is around instead of fighting for it's sake. I repeat all the medicine and advice in the world that he/she will receive from all of the doctors from the world will not stop him/her from not being jealous the next time a friend or family member reaches an accomplishment.
NWSTRT2121 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I have to side with DSM on this. Yes in some of his other posts I think DSM is a little too quick in throwing out a diagnosis based on a statement someone makes in a post, but I agree with him in that an effective way to deal with jealousy is to learn to love ourselves and accept our strengths and weaknesses. This isn't an easy process it takes time and patience, but I think its a very healthy way of dealing with jealousy. the "fighting fire with fire" approach you threw out is what many therapists and psychologists would label as a "cliche" and holds no merit in a scientific approach to look at jealousy. There have on the other hand, been studies done by cognitive and other psychologists regarding jealousy and the results have been shown that individuals who learn to develop an appreciation and love for themselves can learn to deal with jealousy in a much healthier manner. I am not familiar with any studies that say one will feel better about themselves over the long term by trying to "match" or "one up" the individuals they are jealous of e.g. buying a new and better toy, getting a better grade on a test to make the other one jealous. It all sounds like one big vicious cycle to me, but if this is a subject you are passionate about I encourage you to test your beliefs out in the real world. I realize this isn't a site where everyone is a scientist and that most of us here like myself are just people looking for help and to give help with other peoples problems based on our own experiences. However I have a hard time believing your argument and it doesn't seem like a healthy long term approach to dealing with jealousy.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I sympathize with the OP, because I've wrestled with the same issue. This won't surprise anybody, but dealing with those feelings is always hardest when you're going through something difficult or traumatic, the classic one being a relationship that's ending. It's easy enough to say "don't compare yourself to others, think about your own strengths, etc.", but that's rarely helpful. In your mind, you're already perfectly aware of your own strengths and skills, and the problem is, in your perception, they pale in comparison to those of others around you. So, what you need to do is find ways to change yourself, in ways that will give you a sense of accomplishment or make you feel like a more interesting or more well-rounded person. The best ways to do that are to learn a new skill, have a new exeperience, or noticeably improve something about yourself. Set yourself some goals in terms of your physical activity -- be it a weight loss goal, a speed for running a mile, lifting a certain amount of weight, getting a certain score in golf, etc. Then, once you've set the goal, work towards it, and record your progress. Working towards the goal will help keep your mind off the comparisons with other people, and it will also give you little boosts every time you make measurable progress towards your goal. That will help you feel better about yourself. Take up a new skill. Work on becoming a great cook. Take up a musical instrument. Join a recreational sports team. These activities are less about setting goals, and more about expanding your areas of interest. That in turn will make you more interesting both to yourself and to others. Far better than coming home from work and turning on the TV. For new experiences, set a goal to travel this year to a country you've never visited, and start saving and planning for it. Read about the country and become knowledgeable. The process and the anticipation will interest you, and you'll come back a more fulfilled, happier and more interesting person. Or, if you're a bit more of an adrenaline junkie, try some exciting activity you've always been curious about -- rock climbing, motorcycling, surfing, skydiving, bungee jumping. You may never be as rich, attractive, or otherwise successful as some people you know. But that's no excuse for not trying to make YOUR life better. Somebody once said: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. Rather, the goal should be to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO - What a Ride!'" Words to live by, IMHO.
lonelygurl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 this is usually caused by low self esteem issues. It has taken me many many years to finally learn to start fighting mine head on and I am in therapy now for this and other reasons
Trialbyfire Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Sometime I get jealous of friends and family that are doing better than me, I know I shouldn't be feeling that way, I should feel happy for them. But I just can't help to have that sour and jealous feeling toward them. Do I have a problem ? How can I stop being jealous ?? Are there certain types of "better" that cause you to feel jealous or envious? For example, do you find "successful" relationships problematic? Or is it career? Looks? If you can narrow the focus of what causes your negative triggers to react, perhaps there's a way to improve those specifically targeted areas within yourself, or what you perceive as self-esteem issues within yourself. Also, what's "better" for one person, might not be "better" for someone else.
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Sometime I get jealous of friends and family that are doing better than me, I know I shouldn't be feeling that way, I should feel happy for them. But I just can't help to have that sour and jealous feeling toward them. Do I have a problem ? How can I stop being jealous ?? Focus on working on yourself and achieving your own goals. Your friends will be supportive.
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Are there certain types of "better" that cause you to feel jealous or envious? For example, do you find "successful" relationships problematic? Or is it career? Looks? If you can narrow the focus of what causes your negative triggers to react, perhaps there's a way to improve those specifically targeted areas within yourself, or what you perceive as self-esteem issues within yourself. Also, what's "better" for one person, might not be "better" for someone else. agreed. looks can be deceiving as well.
griffinchicken53 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 you may not realize it but people could be jealous of you. i've been single for years and am jealous of friends that seem to have a new girl every few weeks. But my married friends might be jealous that i'm single. the guy with the very good job might be tired of working so hard and just wants to be lazy. it's hard to forecast what others are thinking. just because they look happy they might be miserable.
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