toosadforaname Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Oh, any advice from anyone will be gratefully appreciated. We have been dating for 4 years, are both in our late 20s. I just moved in with him 2 months ago. But I still don't know 100% what i want from my life. I know I want to go back to university and i want to travel the world. I don't think he really wants these things but I am ok to do them alone. I'm scared that moving in with him means I'm settling down and giving up on these dreams. And every time we try to talk about anything, we both end up really really upset. That has been the case for 4 years, about most important issues. But we really do love each other. I care really really deeply for him. I told him today that one day I would like to live on my own. Before we lived with each other we both lived with family. I have never lived on my own, but he has. I want to have some new experiences, live with room mates, or on my own before settling into a home/household relationship. Well, the conversation quickly blew up!! With him and I both crying and him saying sarcastically (or maybe not) "just tell me how i fit into your plans" I know we have communication problems and don;t seem to udnerstand each other. I don't want to break up but I don't want to waste his time "stringing him along" as he calls it. I don't need to be with someone who wants to do the same things as me all the time but I do want to be with someone who is excited to do some things apart. He's just hurt and mad that I want to move ouet. I know I need a few years of self-discovery before I will be ready to settle down. Thanks for reading. And I would love to hear your thoughts.
saturnsfall Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 You may be able to relate this my story: When I initially began dating my ex he lived on his own and I lived with my parents. Things were great. We spent a lot of time together, so we decided we should move in together since we were always with one another. Well, we looked for an apartment. When the time came to sign the lease, I was beside myself that entire week. I had second thoughts; however I signed anyway. When I moved in, I only half moved in. I cared deeply for this man, more than my words could convey to you. But, I wasn't ready to live with him. I did want the commitment with him, I just wasn't ready for that step just yet. Things were ok for awhile, but went down hill, and honestly, it was all my fault. I eventually lost him. I lost him because I didn't tell him I wasn't ready to live together yet and basically sabotaged the relationship because I wasn't ready. Speaking from experience, if you're not ready to live with him, please don't. I lost someone who meant the world to me because I didn't tell him something as simple as "I'm not ready to live together yet" There was nothing wrong with our relationship, but going in that direction, (little did I know) would break something that wasn't nearly broken. If you truly care for this man, don't risk it. He will understand if you want to live on your own first, or stay at home for awhile longer. Living together if you're not ready could potentially ruin your relationship, and honestly, if I had know that, I would still be living with my parents and in a wonderful relationship. You don't want to lose someone you care for because you moved too quick. Thinking about it makes me so sad. I regret it everyday, literally everyday. It would be terrible for someone else to experience loss because of this. Think about what you're going to do. Do what's best for the relationship and yourself. Don't be afraid to not move in yet. You will in time. It's something that shouldn't be rushed. Your relationship is more important. Living together will happen in time, don't rush it.
lastnight Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I moved into my own place in november to be closer to my ex and to let us have our own space as we were both living with parents. Things were great for the first week or so and then I gave her a key and ever since that point I think she freaked out a bit. She broke up with me just before xmas. Living arrangements can be really tough, I guess it has to feel right on both sides, it's a lot of pressure suddenly on the relationship. My advice would to be really seriously think long and hard about what you want because if you're not happy from the beginning it will only push you two both further away from each other into an unhealthy routine.
Author toosadforaname Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Thanks for the note. It's really helpful for me to hear about other peoples' experiences with living together. How long did it take for you guys to figure out what was going to happen? I don't know where this is going but we really don't see eye to eye on lots of things. We actually fight less now that we're living together but still I wonder why it seems like love isn't enough? I think living with him will mean we're getting married which might mean no grad school and will most probably mean no travelling around the world. Does it seem weird that I want to do those things on my own? I have an independent streak that I just never get to express. The way I think of it, always living for someone else, and forming that routine, means you never have to take risks or figure out yourself what you want from life. I guess no matter what, there's a massive potential for regret down the line, which is the worst thing to live with. aargh!
Peter_pan Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Thanks for the note. It's really helpful for me to hear about other peoples' experiences with living together. How long did it take for you guys to figure out what was going to happen? I don't know where this is going but we really don't see eye to eye on lots of things. We actually fight less now that we're living together but still I wonder why it seems like love isn't enough? I think living with him will mean we're getting married which might mean no grad school and will most probably mean no travelling around the world. Does it seem weird that I want to do those things on my own? I have an independent streak that I just never get to express. The way I think of it, always living for someone else, and forming that routine, means you never have to take risks or figure out yourself what you want from life. I guess no matter what, there's a massive potential for regret down the line, which is the worst thing to live with. aargh! no your young you live once. do what you want out of life.
Author toosadforaname Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 I agree, you don't want to rush things. But we have been together for 4 years. My BF would ask me if 4 years was enough time to know one way or the other. I'm so afraid no matter what happens I will have lots of sorrow and regret. And I'm so afraid of hurting him. I guess I would give advice back to you... the same advice I got from a friend this evening. If it is meant to work out, it will. It might not work out, as is what happened with you and your ex, but maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway. They say ("they" being my very very wise friend) that if he is "the one" you will find a way to be together, despite the fights and despite the moving ins and the moving outs. and in my case, the need for adventure while he wants stability and comfort. If we're going to work, we will. But man, this hurts right now, no matter how positively i try to spin it. You may be able to relate this my story: When I initially began dating my ex he lived on his own and I lived with my parents. Things were great. We spent a lot of time together, so we decided we should move in together since we were always with one another. Well, we looked for an apartment. When the time came to sign the lease, I was beside myself that entire week. I had second thoughts; however I signed anyway. When I moved in, I only half moved in. I cared deeply for this man, more than my words could convey to you. But, I wasn't ready to live with him. I did want the commitment with him, I just wasn't ready for that step just yet. Things were ok for awhile, but went down hill, and honestly, it was all my fault. I eventually lost him. I lost him because I didn't tell him I wasn't ready to live together yet and basically sabotaged the relationship because I wasn't ready. Speaking from experience, if you're not ready to live with him, please don't. I lost someone who meant the world to me because I didn't tell him something as simple as "I'm not ready to live together yet" There was nothing wrong with our relationship, but going in that direction, (little did I know) would break something that wasn't nearly broken. If you truly care for this man, don't risk it. He will understand if you want to live on your own first, or stay at home for awhile longer. Living together if you're not ready could potentially ruin your relationship, and honestly, if I had know that, I would still be living with my parents and in a wonderful relationship. You don't want to lose someone you care for because you moved too quick. Thinking about it makes me so sad. I regret it everyday, literally everyday. It would be terrible for someone else to experience loss because of this. Think about what you're going to do. Do what's best for the relationship and yourself. Don't be afraid to not move in yet. You will in time. It's something that shouldn't be rushed. Your relationship is more important. Living together will happen in time, don't rush it.
saturnsfall Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I agree, you don't want to rush things. But we have been together for 4 years. My BF would ask me if 4 years was enough time to know one way or the other. I'm so afraid no matter what happens I will have lots of sorrow and regret. And I'm so afraid of hurting him. I guess I would give advice back to you... the same advice I got from a friend this evening. If it is meant to work out, it will. It might not work out, as is what happened with you and your ex, but maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway. They say ("they" being my very very wise friend) that if he is "the one" you will find a way to be together, despite the fights and despite the moving ins and the moving outs. and in my case, the need for adventure while he wants stability and comfort. If we're going to work, we will. But man, this hurts right now, no matter how positively i try to spin it. I have a very independent streak. I don't like to answer to anyone. If someone asks me to do something, I'm the type of person who will go, with no notice and do whatever it is. There are many things I want to do in life before I'm married (so many things I don't see myself having children) So, wanting to travel and continue with your degree is normal. There is nothing wrong with that. Relationships, if they're right, won't get in the way of the things you want to do. They will mesh and they will work beside one another. You should be able to do the things you want to do. If you don't, you will wake up in twenty years and think about all the things you could have done.
Author toosadforaname Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks, I know you're right. We talked a lot tonight and for the first time (in 4 years!!) we were able to talk about this stuff without getting really upset. He still doesn't understand why i would want my own place but does understand if i want to go away for school. I guess I will keep things the way they are for now and see how things are by summer. Maybe i need to give this a real chance first. I feel better about everything but can't help but wonder if i'm just postponing the inevitable. I certainly agree 100% that life is too short to not do what you want. So no matter where I live or who I live with, it is time in my life to put me first... something i have never done before. So for now I will do the things I want to do that won't put our relationship in trouble. and i'll come back to this issue in 6 months. *sigh I have a very independent streak. I don't like to answer to anyone. If someone asks me to do something, I'm the type of person who will go, with no notice and do whatever it is. There are many things I want to do in life before I'm married (so many things I don't see myself having children) So, wanting to travel and continue with your degree is normal. There is nothing wrong with that. Relationships, if they're right, won't get in the way of the things you want to do. They will mesh and they will work beside one another. You should be able to do the things you want to do. If you don't, you will wake up in twenty years and think about all the things you could have done.
Recommended Posts