sosadsolonely Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hi, It's really comforting to see I'm not the only one going through a hell of a time.. Just wondering if anyone has any advice from their own experiences for me. My partner and I seperated after 8 years (together since we were 16 & 17) about two months ago, although we are still living together. At first it was amicable and although it was tough, I was happy that I'd made the right decision. I feel that we want different things in life. It's been difficult for me to find permanent full time work in my field and he's had a secure job for the past two years, so although I worked when I could, he was the main provider. During our time at university, I supported him while he worked an unpaid internship and was the main provider for about 3 years. He became increasingly moody and resentful that he was providing for us both over the last year, he stopped talking to me like he used to and concentrating all his spare time into online games etc. Leaving me to complete all the household tasks. Feeling neglected, depressed and useless, I broke it off. Since then, I went away for a while, and we talked on the phone and we have got along well and he wanted me to return home and has been very friendly and attentive (for the first week anyhow, then the moodyness returned) He now wants to move out of our current house into a new property and share with some friends, seperate bedrooms. I don't know if I should do this, finacially I can't afford to live on my own. I don't know why he still wants to share a place with me, if I am that annoying he snaps at me when I just ask how his day was, why on earth does he want to keep living with me. I have unintentionally discovered he's joined a match making website, so I don't think he wants to get back together with me, but still it was heartbreaking to see that.. why does that hurt so much when I broke up with him? Even though I know we shouldn't be together, I get sentimental and weak, then do whatever he wants. What should I do??
peteyj Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Take it from me... It's nearly impossible to move on if you still live together. Regardless of the reason for the split, breaking up usually means you need to go separate ways. If you want to be friends or try to be, that's find but continuing to live together is just going to bring out the worst.....Maybe some people can do it but I imagine many people cant'.. If you spent the past 7 or 8 years of your life with this person...unless you hate them so much or have no feelings...it's going to be hard for you to see them with others, having fun with others and if you're still stuck on them...it's only going to make matters worse if you're not doing the same. I'm stuck with my soon to be ex-wife now and while it can be ok at times...there are many times when she goes out with whomever and I"m stuck working or just chilling at home....i get depressed....But I'd rather be depressed for a few days and then move on... And the only way you really move on is to move on...Living together means neither of you are really moving on because most couples develop some kind of friendship over the years.....A close friendship... Breaking up doesn't mean you can't be friends but it normally means you aren't that person they go to all the time every time anymore... It's just not the way it is and would be weird if you did for future partners..... Living together after a break up is never easy....Continuing to live together after a break up when you don't have to sort of means neither of you really want the relationship to end even if it has ended...Which means neither of you will really be able to move on. Or one person is using the other person. If you want to move on, don't move in with him..
Ania40 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I agree with PeteyJ. Time to move on. Being financially dependant on him is your biggest fear - one you can only conquer by confronting it head on. It'll be tough for a while ...but the human spirit rises against difficulties, trust me. Time to spread your wings. Don't settle.
NYCmitch25 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hi, My partner and I seperated after 8 years (together since we were 16 & 17) about two months ago, although we are still living together. At first it was amicable and although it was tough, I was happy that I'd made the right decision. I feel that we want different things in life. It's been difficult for me to find permanent full time work in my field and he's had a secure job for the past two years, so although I worked when I could, he was the main provider. During our time at university, I supported him while he worked an unpaid internship and was the main provider for about 3 years. He became increasingly moody and resentful that he was providing for us both over the last year, he stopped talking to me like he used to and concentrating all his spare time into online games etc. Leaving me to complete all the household tasks. Feeling neglected, depressed and useless, I broke it off. Since then, I went away for a while, and we talked on the phone and we have got along well and he wanted me to return home and has been very friendly and attentive (for the first week anyhow, then the moodyness returned) He now wants to move out of our current house into a new property and share with some friends, seperate bedrooms. I don't know if I should do this, finacially I can't afford to live on my own. I don't know why he still wants to share a place with me, if I am that annoying he snaps at me when I just ask how his day was, why on earth does he want to keep living with me. I have unintentionally discovered he's joined a match making website, so I don't think he wants to get back together with me, but still it was heartbreaking to see that.. why does that hurt so much when I broke up with him? Even though I know we shouldn't be together, I get sentimental and weak, then do whatever he wants. What should I do?? I think it was very prudent for you to step back and separate yourself from this abusive situation; people usually don't break up over money alone, certainly it can provide a catalyst nonetheless but it seems he has some more serious issues with you (or within himself) than just that. As they say you really can't change people, and you certainly can't expect them to change quickly, old habits to die hard - you're asking for more pain. Plus it sounds like there is some baggage and resentment going both ways. Perhaps you are tempted by the "know what you are getting" syndrome ? Perhaps because things are semi-unresolved ? I think that just by asking this on the the forum you have answered your own question - there is doubt for good reason, I'd probably just try to phase this person out of your life. Now why do you feel like you can't stand on your own two feet? Most people can find some work - do you have a disability? Do you just not want to work certain jobs part time (mooch), do you feel unable to (depression), do you not know why (codependacy), etc. etc. Is a part of you using this to stay with him ? Perhaps you don't realize it ? I guess without knowing how you really feel, it's hard to gain perspective.. I'd say the best advice is to try to understand yourself here and move forward, you've already answered your question, it's time you start trusting your instincts.. Good luck with everything ..
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