kdark Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 You're right Tony T, everyone has different tastes, and you will always be able to find someone who thinks so and so is unattractive. But there are people that the majority of the opposite sex will find attractive. You may not be attracted to them, but you always know in the back of your mind that a lot of people would. As far as platonic relationships go, i've had two. One was with a girl who's boyfriend was off in the military, so she was off limits. Another is with a girl who is engaged and has a child. There always needs to be a precursor as to why the two involved in a platonic relationship wouldn't be attracted to each other. And I'm only speaking for the really close and deep platonic friendships.
allina Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 So are you close friends with these men, especially the coworker? Yes. Though I guess it depends on what you consider close friends. The coworker and I go out to lunch together almost every day. We talk about everything, and know everything about each other. We've gone out to eat together a couple of times not during work. I've been to happy hour with him and I have gone to an event with him. I respect him, trust him and like him so I consider him a good friend. However, we don't chat on the phone regularly. We don't go to each other's homes all the time and don't spend time in ways that could be thought of as intimate, like hanging out at his house with a movie and some wine.
GoodOnPaper Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Generally I've noticed most men say they don't and women say they do. What's your opinion? I think it's largely a function of how easily you attract people for non-platonic relationships and/or hookups. As a guy who rarely attracts women, it would be tough for me to stick with a platonic relationship -- I don't want to play the doormat, nor do I want to miss a rare opportunity for sex. If there is a gender-based difference of opinion on this topic, I would assume that most women have guys express interest in them on a regular basis, so having platonic relationships with some of these guys does not really impact sexual/romantic relationship opportunities with others.
Trialbyfire Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 There's an attitude that goes with being able to be friends with the opposite gender. You have to like and respect them as people, instead of viewing them as opportunities or not opportunities.
kdark Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 TBF hit it spot on. You need to be able to look at members of the opposite sex you have no interest in sexually or romantically as potential friends, not as dead weight.
GoodOnPaper Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 No one said anything about dead weight. If I'm motivated to get to know a woman better, most likely there will be some attraction on my side -- even in a non-dating situation. If I continue to get to know the woman better, chances are that the attraction will grow, even if friendship was my primary intention. If the attraction is not reciprocated, I take that as an insult to my masculinity. Maybe I was burned in doormat fashion too many times in my youth, but I find the attraction/friendship/doormat lines to be very fine.
zilverenvlinder Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 100%. I had a male best friend for years, and he was straight and attractive but he was not my type and I was not his. If one of us started dating someone, they immediately had to be OK with our friendship or else it wouldn't work out. I haven't talked to him in awhile though.
Green Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I don't care if its posible or not I don't want my gf having some platonic friend
Author sugar_and_spice Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 No one said anything about dead weight. If I'm motivated to get to know a woman better, most likely there will be some attraction on my side -- even in a non-dating situation. If I continue to get to know the woman better, chances are that the attraction will grow, even if friendship was my primary intention. If the attraction is not reciprocated, I take that as an insult to my masculinity. Maybe I was burned in doormat fashion too many times in my youth, but I find the attraction/friendship/doormat lines to be very fine. yeah but sometimes when you're at work together or at university together you often get to know the person better anyway.
Author sugar_and_spice Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Yes. Though I guess it depends on what you consider close friends. The coworker and I go out to lunch together almost every day. We talk about everything, and know everything about each other. We've gone out to eat together a couple of times not during work. I've been to happy hour with him and I have gone to an event with him. I respect him, trust him and like him so I consider him a good friend. However, we don't chat on the phone regularly. We don't go to each other's homes all the time and don't spend time in ways that could be thought of as intimate, like hanging out at his house with a movie and some wine. Oh ok cool. I meant the latter.
socialight Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 i went on two dates with a girl a few years ago and we just became great friends and we talk all the time. I think we will be best friends for life, or atleast, a long long time. They certainly do exist.
prncssfce9 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 they most certainly do, but only between mature parties. my very best friend in the entire world is a guy. we have been friends since we were 14, that is 13 years now and NEVER has there been anything more on either side than a platonic friendship. i know this bc this topic seems to come up A LOT when people ask me about him bc for some reason it is sooooo hard to believe. So he and i actually had a discussion about it, bc, my friends in college had me convinced that i had ignored his feelings and he had probably been pining away for me ... but no. we have a deep bond, and we love each other but for him and me, it more or a familial bond than a romantic one. So yes ... it can happen!
BubblyPopcorn Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Well platonic is “nonphysical” so in that sense, yes they do exist. The only platonic relationships I have with male friends are those who I have no romantic and/or physical attraction towards. Ex’s are completely different. There is no purpose to have any association with my ex-fiance, platonic or otherwise. The ex prior to that, no purpose either except the friendship factor which we always had so its more of a just seeing how the person is doing sort of thing.
Author sugar_and_spice Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 ^^people seem to have extreme views one way or the other when it comes to exes.
Author sugar_and_spice Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 btw theres another thread on friendzoning..whats the difference?
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It’s been my experience that it is the female that sets the pace and maintains the appropriate boundaries in these sorts of male/female platonic friendships. As long as she isn’t too emotionally invested or physically attracted to her brotherly buddy, than the relationship can remain safely in the friend-zone. Then again ... I’ve never met a unmarried, healthy, heterosexual guy who wouldn’t jump at a chance for a no-strings-attached FWB situation with his best gal pal if the opportunity were ever made available to him. And I don’t care what she looks like! And I’ve never met a male friend or lover yet that’s ever denied that observation (although grinning sheepishly) whenever the subjects come up.
Author sugar_and_spice Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 It’s been my experience that it is the female that sets the pace and maintains the appropriate boundaries in these sorts of male/female platonic friendships. As long as she isn’t too emotionally invested or physically attracted to her brotherly buddy, than the relationship can remain safely in the friend-zone. Then again ... I’ve never met a unmarried, healthy, heterosexual guy who wouldn’t jump at a chance for a no-strings-attached FWB situation with his best gal pal if the opportunity were ever made available to him. And I don’t care what she looks like! And I’ve never met a male friend or lover yet that’s ever denied that observation (although grinning sheepishly) whenever the subjects come up. so that means they exist or don't ?
fral945 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 so that means they exist or don't ? I think what Enigma is saying is possibly but likely that the platonic feelings will not be mutual. I think in a woman’s mind they are more likely to exist because women don’t view men like we view them. One of the first things that come to my mind when I meet or see a female are subconscious sexual thoughts about her (even if she isn’t that attractive). I don’t know exactly how women think (since I am not one), but my impression is that they don’t think about men sexually in the same way that we do (or maybe they hide it well, IDK). Sure, they might find a guy friend attractive and think about sex with him, but I don't the sexual thoughts dominate their minds to the extent that that they do in men. I think men are far simpler in that respect. We tend to be more animalistic and opportunistic when it comes to sex. Assuming you’re talking about an unmarried, healthy, heterosexual guy, I’d say if there is physical attraction to a female friend (even very small) most guys would have sex with her if the right opportunity and/or situation presented itself. As others have stated, the only situation that I could see where it would work is if the woman is just completely physically unattractive.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks, Fral. That’s more along the lines of what I was trying to express. I think it’s because (generally) males are biologically preconditioned to compartmentalize better than most females. They can separate the “act” of sex from emotional intimacy. For a lot of women (myself included) the two go hand-in-hand. I can’t have sex with someone without my heart getting all tangled up in it. For a good many of us females, this is just the way it is no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that we similar (or equal) to the majority of our male counterparts in this department. Men = “Have sex with me and I’ll love you.” Women = “Love me, and I’ll have sex with you.”
Author sugar_and_spice Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 oh ok. Then how is it that many people manage to keep things platonic, with friends at work, etc.
fral945 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 oh ok. Then how is it that many people manage to keep things platonic, with friends at work, etc. People don't always act on their feelings (for various reasons). Maybe they're married or in a relationship already, maybe they don't want to mix their professional and personal lives, maybe the attraction is there but not enough to make them act on it, maybe the right opportunity has not presented itself, etc. Maybe my viewpoint is distorted, but all I can say is that everywhere I have ever worked I have known men and women I worked with that were involved with co-workers romantically or sexually, cheating on their spouses, etc. The people that keep things platonic are usually already married or involved in a relationship.
Author sugar_and_spice Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 People don't always act on their feelings (for various reasons). Maybe they're married or in a relationship already, maybe they don't want to mix their professional and personal lives, maybe the attraction is there but not enough to make them act on it, maybe the right opportunity has not presented itself, etc. Maybe my viewpoint is distorted, but all I can say is that everywhere I have ever worked I have known men and women I worked with that were involved with co-workers romantically or sexually, cheating on their spouses, etc. The people that keep things platonic are usually already married or involved in a relationship. I can't really speak too much about work but I'm at university, and see such friendships often, which at the very least seem platonic, so feel kind of surprised when I see so many platonic-relationships-don't-exist threads online.
fral945 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I can't really speak too much about work because I'm at university, and see such friendships which at the very least seem platonic. I think on the outside it could appear that way. But I think if you asked each person to answer honestly you'd find one or the other person has some attraction to the opposite sex friend. I've been away from university a few years, but I remember that being the case with many of my male friends. They had female friends but many were women they fooled around with or were hoping they might sleep with one day (at least that's what they told me when they were out of earshot of the women). There was one of my male friends that had a close female friend which was probably platonic, but I think that was mainly because this particular girl wasn't physically attractive, and the fact that they had known each other since childhood.
blind_otter Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Generally I've noticed most men say they don't and women say they do. What's your opinion? I'm a woman, and I say platonic relationships between the opposite sex do not exist. I used to have loads of male friends. I started to notice a pattern - they would be cool while I was in a relationship, but pounce on me when I was not. Or, they would constantly try to introduce a sexual element into the relationship. Now I have only female friends. I have acquaintances who are men, but I don't confide in them or anything like that.
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