lilmrcheerful Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hi, My gf broke up with me today and I feel completely devastated because our relationship, although with some minor problems, could have survived if left alone. The fact of the matter is this really, her ex bf ended their relationship last Jan, we got together in March-April of 2008, she moved in late April and has been with me until now. One of the reasons why she wanted to move in was because she wanted to be close to me as her parents live about 2 hours away so she didn't want to keep going up and down so she asked if she could move in and I agreed. We had some minor issues but it wasn't until August (during her birthday) that her ex that dumped her earlier this year started texting her on her birthday and it escalated from there really, the imaginary problems started then, less intimacy and she was always moody with me, she hardly seemed relaxed. It was clear that she still had feelings for him although she just couldn't let go of me, but I couldn't prove she had feelings for him because she always denied it and was very adamant she wanted to be with me. It all came to a head in October when the texting was very intense between them and I said this had to stop as I can't believe you're just "friends" with the amount of texting, and sure enough, she asked the question and he admitted to wanting her back and that he made a mistake - incidentally, the reason why he ended their relationship was because he never loved her and only saw her as a friend, so therefore he told her to go and find someone who would love her in the way she wanted to - she did and that person was me. So it came to the point where she knew she had to do something so she decided to break contact with him - so i thought, but of course, I only had to take her word for it. She said to me that she needed to go back home for a few weeks on 1st Jan to be with her family as she spent Christmas with me and of course I said that was fine and totally understandble and that she needed to see her family. Whilst there, her ex (who lives local to her in her town) again kept on pursuing her and I think she must have promised something to him because she had been very very anxious and stressed in the last week or so, her text were muddled and she was constantly in tears with me on the phone without really telling me wahts going on other than all the "problems" we had, like i said, imaginary problems as our relationship I thought was excellent, we got on well, have loads in common, we both understood each other, we made each other laugh a lot, it was great and we loved each others company, however, she just couldn't let go of her ex mainly because he was pestering her so much. She was due to come back at the end of this week, last night she was texting me how much she loved me and couldn't wait to "come home to her family" and she had so many plans to do things when she got back. This morning, she text and things were OK until around the afternoon when she asked me to phone her and there she dropped the bombshell all of a sudden she just said that she didn't know what she wanted and she didn't know what to do and that she needed to stay home, she then said she needed to be out of the relationship but fell short of telling me why, she would never ever admit to her still having feelings for her ex even though it was so obvious to see by her actions and the way she behaved, agitated, stressed, anxious, moody and in tears every day. Whilst on the phone, I was polite and caring, wished her luck and thanked her for everything, I didn't have it out or anything I just didn't want it to end badly or us to have a row, I just let her have her say in which she was making a mess of as she had no real reason to end it other than the real truth which was to get back with her ex, as I said, inventing problems that were never there, she also said to me that I was an amazing person, the kindest gentleman she's ever met and probably ever likely to meet, I wished her luck, blew her a kiss on the phone and that was that really. I've not heard from her at all since then (about 13 hours now) and nor am I expecting to her from her. It just seems so sudden and abrupt, with no real thought and as if she had her hands tied up because I think she was trying to end it with me all week, the signs were there but she couldn't manage to bring herself to do it. I feel so sorry for her because she's clearly mixed up and didn't know what to do but in the end she had to make that choice and I think she's made the wrong one in my opinion because she was getting on so well but people just wouldn't leave her alone to get on with it. I am totally devastated because I put so much effort and 100% in this relationship, I gave it my all but yet the ending was just as if being hit by a bus with no real reason other than really her getting back with an ex bf who never loved her in the first place but for some reason still has a connection with him even though he let her down so badly in the first place. Nobody could love that girl like I did and I feel so horrible right now, I want to tell her that but I am not going to contact her anymore I don't think, I am hurt too much by this and by how she's treated me over the last couple of weeks, blowing hot and cold making me feel guilty for things that were not even true or didn't exist only so that she can justify instigating a break up. Well, she's broken up with me and I just hope she knows what she's doing. I am a little all over the place right now and some advice on how to move on from this would be great, she still has a lot of her stuff here that she needs to pick up, I suspect her parents will come to get it at some point. Thanks for reading.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Doesn't anybody have any advice on this situation?
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Got your pm, thanks. You have to be patient with posters and responses because people live in all kinds of different countries. Sometimes there's a limbo-period when the forum is really quiet..... and not everyone can read every post. Also - I hate to say it, but your post is really difficult to read. Big blocks of text put people off from trying to plough through it all and read every line...sometimes we find ourselves reading the same line twice. Break up the posts. The bottom line is, that she did not have her hands tied behind her back, at all. Every moment is a personal decision. For everyone. We decise in any given moment, which way we turn. You may not believe this, but it's true. She made a decision. Badly, probably. I see this repeating itself as an endless cycle of her trying to find happiness, and looking in all the wrong places. Like the professor looking everywhere, hunting high and low for his glasses, frantically desperate to get his hands on them, searching everywhere, under papers, in draws, on top of bookcases.... and all the time, they're on the top of his head. Ok. leave it. What to do now? Look to yourself. I know it's painful, and I know things seem desperate, and i know you feel lost, lonely, hurt and confused. well, you need to take a deep breath, and stop counting the hours "since" and look to what you're doing Now. What you must do is sytematically delete every vestige of her presence in your life. This is known as No Contact. I'm telling you - experience from others on this board will tell you - she will try to get in touch again for the most stupid, trivial reasons. This will only serve to tie you in knots, confuse you, yank your chain, and twist the knife. So you have to establish a complete 0-tolerance. Start with your mobile 'phone. if it has a call-block facility, (ask the shop where you got it, if you don't know) block all her calls so that you won't even know she's been in touch. This would be the greatest option - and you HAVE to stop wondering! If you can't do that, either change phones, or change her name or call-from-alert, to "For goodness' sake don't respond!" And then for goodness' sake - don't respond! delete her e-mails. delete her name from your addressbook. do not reply to any IM, or MSn or facebook or myspace overtures. Don't even go there! Cut, cut cut!! I'll tell you now. The first time you refuse to respond, will be the hardest, because you will be fighting with every fibre of your being to not reply. You may even give in. Ok, if that's what you want to do, give in. But I can tell you know, the pain will be worse, and the torment unbearable, and the feeling of "Aaaargh!! WHY did I respond!?!" will hammer at your head. So really, trust me, the first time will be the worst. Resist with everything you've got. Then, when she tries again, you'll be thinking: "WTF?? Why are you still trying to get under my skin? Didn't you get it? I don't want to talk to you!" Then the third time (Oh trust me, she will persisit....) you'll think: "You still don't get it do you? If I'd wanted to talk to you - to scrape this healing scab off and tear open my bleeding heart again, for you to keep twisting - I would have replied by now, wouldn't I?" Then the fourth time (oh yes, very probably) you'll think: "Hah! I'm getting to you now, aren't I? Well, you chose this route. You didn't have your hands tied behind your back, or a gun to your head. You decided to pack it in and call it a day. So suck it up!" The fifth time, you may well be able to pick up the 'phone, and before she says anything, yell - "Stop contacting me!!" thn slam the 'phone down. It might just start to sink in then that she's burned her bridges. Then walk, walk, walk!! In the opposite direction. And as you keep walking, with every step you take, away from the toxic shocker, you'll start to slowly heal, and grow taller. Do not ever consider taking her back. She is damaged goods, and is a screwed-up individual. Walk and heal. But never towards her.
GoneButNotForgotten Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Geisha is right on the giant block of text. It is not easy to read. But back to the topic at hand. From the sound of it, it was not sudden and abrupt. You saw the signs months in advance. You just didn't want to believe it. I know it hurts. I've been guilty of ignoring the warning flags at times as well. We all do it. We are happy and in love and have an extremely difficult time believing that our partner would do anything to hurt us. I wish I had some magic words that would make you forget her. But alas, I was not granted that power. (I would probably abuse it anyways) It takes time. My 3.5 year relationship ended in early Dec. I'm not completely over it. But, I am adjusting. I feel better about it everyday. The first couple weeks are the hardest. Once the shine wears off and you readjust to not having her around things will start to return to a semblance of normalcy. Despite how it may not seem like it's true, as time goes on you will heal and feel better. Next point, you do not need to talk to her. She is no longer your special person. She is a stranger. The girl you love is gone. Does not exist anymore. It will be hard to keep up NC at first. It takes a lot of strength. You will have some good days and some bad days. The healing is not linear. It is wave-like. It goes up and down but overall it does go up. It's not easy. And it definitely is not fun. But after it all you will have an even better idea of what you want in your next girl.
Author lilmrcheerful Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Thank you both so much for your responses, they have really been eye openers. I am really sorry for the poor paragraphing, I won't do that in future. The thing is I don't want her to contact me at all, period, for good, ever again, it's over, totally.. honestly.... It worries me that she may do.. I know that someone in her family has to because there is a lot of her stuff in my home that she needs to pick up.. I am thinking I don't want to be there when they come to collect it.. I have already bagged and boxed everything up, she's deleted.. I've deleted all her photos, everything that I have memories of her, it's gone....... I won't contact her if she contacts me, she hurt me badly, more than I've ever been hurt b4 and she promised she wasn't like "all the others" when she's turned out to be the worst of them all.. lying, cheating... she knows what she's done... but doesn't have the heart to tell me but rather twists it to make it think there's always been a problem between us which simply isn't true... Her loss.. I loved her but she wasn't able to understand what that meant... Thanks once again for the responses.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I doubt this is going to mean anything to you, but I am compelled to say it. From what you've said (assuming you've been honest), you are by far one of the most level headed and nicest people I've ever seen. I don't think your kindness is fake (which I think about people 60+% of the time). Just wanted to say that someone who has never even met you formally, can see how good of a person you are, so therefor, your ex is a ****ing whore.
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I know that someone in her family has to because there is a lot of her stuff in my home that she needs to pick up.. I am thinking I don't want to be there when they come to collect it.. I have already bagged and boxed everything up, she's deleted.. I've deleted all her photos, everything that I have memories of her, it's gone....... Get a good and trusted friend to call her family for you. Tell them that everything is ready, boxed, bagged and set to be picked up. You'd like it picked up by the end of this month please, so could they give you a definite date? Make this date, for before the end of January. Fix it and confirm it. Then tell them that if it isn't picked up by 1/31, you will have no qualms about taking it to the local charity centre. Be quite emphatic about this. Confirm this date, and get your buddy to be there for you, instead of you. It's the way Judge Judy does it...... Thanks once again for the responses. It's what we do. (I can be a real be-atch sometimes, but I mean well. )
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