TinaAnne Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 So...My fiancé and I have hit a rough patch in our relationship. We argue all the time and can't seem to get along..We do work together and live together so we think that is definitely a factor in our all the time fighting. We have discussed getting separate jobs hoping this would help. In the midst of all this getting on each others nerves hid 16yr old son moves in with us. He has been here about over a week or so..He has no chores and is not being made to do his homework by his father, my apartment is also the newly found hang house.The only responsibilities he has is to pick up after himself. Not that hard for a 16yr old to get through his head right? A day or 2 for the time he has been here he has cleaned up after himself, but the rest of the time..I come home from work and there is always some kind of mess to be cleaned up. I said to my fiancé the next time he does this I'm not going to allow his friends to come over for a week, maybe that will help him to remember to pick up his things! My fiancé tells me this is "ridiculous" He can see 2 or 3 days, but not a week.. Omg right?!?...... We have been together for almost 2yrs and have been trying to have a child of our own for almost 1yr with no luck. I was with my ex for 8yrs never used protection and still never came up pregnant with him. So we were beginning to think something is wrong, even before his son moved in with us, and we have been discussing me going to go get checked out to see if everything is OK. So..Like I said in the beginning of my post we were having problems before his son moved in, and were giving our relationship a look over and see if we could fix things, and still were contemplating things up till today when he said to me..."We should wait and see if I can have kids or not to decide whether we stay together or not" Being if I can't have kids we stay together and If I can he says he loves me enough to let me go and have a child and be happy...Since he's not sure if he wants to have one anymore with me, because of the way I act with his son. Example being saying he shouldn't have friends over for a week to try to help him to remember to clean up after himself.. Cruel huh?!? He says we would disagree to much if we had a child, and doesn't want to continue to try to have one, me get pregnant and then we separate. I broke it off with him today I said I think it's "ridiculous" to base our relationship on whether I can have kids or not! If he loves me like he says he does he should want to give me one , because I want one so badly!! I refuse to base my relationship on that!! So does anyone agree with me?!? Or am I overreacting?!?
anne1707 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Having children should be an addition to a relationship that is already wanted and working well. It should not be the reason to be in that relationship. My H and I wanted children (did not happen) but we knew that our marriage did not depend on that - if it did, that would be a sign of weakness in that marriage.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Oh TinaAnne I am so sorry you are going through this. I do not think you overreacted - I think you were dead on. If having a baby is important to you, and if he was a true partner, he should be seeing how to achieve that goal. Not say if you can, I'm leaving. OMG that is just awful. My heart goes out to you. Keep us posted
Island Girl Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 So...My fiancé and I have hit a rough patch in our relationship. We argue all the time and can't seem to get along.. I would back off the marriage idea then! Any problems you have prior seem to increase tenfold after the ceremony! We do work together and live together so we think that is definitely a factor in our all the time fighting. We have discussed getting separate jobs hoping this would help. Yes it may help. Living with someone AND working with them works in some instances but they seem very few and far between. But if you are fighting about real things, not just because you are irritated from too much time around each other, then obviously those things will still be there and will need to be worked out. In the midst of all this getting on each others nerves hid 16yr old son moves in with us. Wow. Kind of a recipe for disaster! Problems already and then adding a teenager to the household as well! Have you had a strong relationship with his son? Has your SO? Did behavior issues have anything to do with the son's change in living arrangements? Did you get a game plan together before he arrived? You know, get on the same page with regards to expectations of the boy and responsibilities in the household? He has been here about over a week or so..He has no chores and is not being made to do his homework by his father, my apartment is also the newly found hang house. He has NO CHORES? And he is 16?! He does not have to be responsible for contributing to the household at all? WOW. And the man you want to marry is raising him to be this way? He is okay with that? He doesn't make him do his homework? Boy it seems like your man isn't trying to create a man in his son. The only responsibilities he has is to pick up after himself. Not that hard for a 16yr old to get through his head right? That should go without saying. In 2 years he is going to be an adult and at that point should have the skills to take care of himself which would include cooking, laundry, cleaning, and the responsibilities of bills and a job. A day or 2 for the time he has been here he has cleaned up after himself, but the rest of the time..I come home from work and there is always some kind of mess to be cleaned up. I said to my fiancé the next time he does this I'm not going to allow his friends to come over for a week, maybe that will help him to remember to pick up his things! My fiancé tells me this is "ridiculous" He can see 2 or 3 days, but not a week.. Omg right?!?...... YES OMG. However, a better plan of action may have been to sit down with your SO and discuss an appropriate punishment. You may have ended up on the same page and been able to exclude visitors for a week. It just sounds like he balked at you making the decision as to the appropriate punishment when it is his son. - Not that he is right in that but poking the papa bear doesn't help if you know what I mean. We have been together for almost 2yrs and have been trying to have a child of our own for almost 1yr with no luck. I was with my ex for 8yrs never used protection and still never came up pregnant with him. 8 years and nothing? I would have thought something was wrong then... You said you are having issues and arguing constantly. That really should be dealt with before adding a baby to the mix don't you think? In the best of circumstances the adjustment of having a baby can be difficult. But when there are real problems already it is inadvisable to say the least. So we were beginning to think something is wrong, even before his son moved in with us, and we have been discussing me going to go get checked out to see if everything is OK. Good. So..Like I said in the beginning of my post we were having problems before his son moved in, and were giving our relationship a look over and see if we could fix things, and still were contemplating things up till today Again, if you are having issues in the relationship that may not be things that can be worked out, now isn't the time to be trying to have a baby. when he said to me..."We should wait and see if I can have kids or not to decide whether we stay together or not" Being if I can't have kids we stay together and If I can he says he loves me enough to let me go and have a child and be happy...Since he's not sure if he wants to have one anymore with me, because of the way I act with his son. What did you say?! Your reaction should have been that, "you love me and want me regardless or you don't." "And if you don't want to have a child then why have we been trying for a year now?!" "You are evaluating my parenting skills on the basis of dealing with a teenager that someone else has raised up until this point. That is completely unfair." Example being saying he shouldn't have friends over for a week to try to help him to remember to clean up after himself.. Cruel huh?!? He is being an idiot. He is being awfully callous with your feelings. Are you sure you really want to marry this guy?!! I'd have his crap packed by now and out along with his son's. He says we would disagree to much if we had a child, and doesn't want to continue to try to have one, me get pregnant and then we separate. He has a point. You really should not be thinking of bringing a child into this world and into this relationship when clearly there is a lot of dysfunction and lack of support. If you are going to stay in the relationship then you need to put the whole baby thing aside and work on that first. I broke it off with him today I said I think it's "ridiculous" to base our relationship on whether I can have kids or not! If he loves me like he says he does he should want to give me one , because I want one so badly!! I refuse to base my relationship on that!! True. But you should not make him have another child when he doesn't want one either. I think you are not compatible. It just seems that some foundational beliefs that should be common are not there in your relationship. Why aren't you more concerned with that than having a baby?
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