MikeL Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 This is my first thread on this site, so, I'm not too familiar with much, but hey everyone I apologize for how long my thread is, but I suppose someone may find it an interesting story. I'd like to tell my friends some of these details, but I'm not sure many of them would understand as well as most of you probably will. Anyhow... I'm a senior in HS. 17 years old. And I live in a relatively very hick, backcountry town. It's real slim pickings in this town, so I've dated the same girls plenty of times and cant seem to find anyone... However, a year and a couple months ago, I met a girl named Sam at the movies while I was with some friends. She was considerably younger than me (she's a freshman...yes, i know...), but she was very pretty, and though she was a little quiet, she seemed very interesting. A month afterwards, she randomly IMed me and we began talking. We quickly became friends. Because she was younger than me, every time she asked to hang out with me or something of the sort, I'd always say "no" because I felt embarrased to be around someone so much younger. Though she didn't actually say it...She knew I was judging her for her age, so after a while, she quit trying to hang with me and I suppose she just settled for phone calls and instant messages. However, as we became better friends, I realized she shared A LOT of things with me in common. A LOT of things. We were practically the same people. It was scary, actually. And I slowly, reluctantly began falling for her, even though I didn't want to. Her age was making me so iffy about everything. However, one night, I subtly brought up the matter and told her I thought I may like her, but that I really shouldn't...She told me the same thing, basically. It was pretty much left at that, though. (From that point, I constantly told myself "You dont like her...") We then became even CLOSER. I began walking her to school in the morning and running to her house during my Cross Country/ Track practice to see her. However, I tried to retain the lie between us that "we're just friends"... Then, what I thought was a gift from God (though, later turned out to be a VERY bad thing), because I'm Sam's best guy friend at this point, she tells me she has found a boy she likes A LOT and is trying to get with, but that he is very shy and doesn't tell her much of what he thinks/ feels. I thought that if I could hook her up with him, that it would solve all my problems. If she had a boyfriend, what reason would I have to like her? So, sure enough, I talked her into it, and they began dating. However, because she now had a boyfriend, she felt very confident and began flirting with me immensely and leading me on BIG TIME...I fell for it 100% Our talks began getting very deep, personal, and extensive. We'd stay up til' the sun rose talking about positively everything. I was falling for her like crazy. I then one day decided to tell her how crazy I was about her, and that though I had tried getting with other girls and pretending we were just friends, I was crazy about her and that her age didn't matter to me any more. She told me she felt the same way, but that because she had a boyfriend, that there was nothing that could be done...I became very jealous of him... Our relationship remained the same, though. We'd talk all the time. However, we never hung out at this point, and she was never able to hang out with me because her mother disapproved of the age gap between us. I slowly began to get angry towards her for never doing anything with me. I would try to get her to sneak out for me, but no cigar. This is where things began to get bad...Soon after spilling my feelings for her, ALLLL we EVER seemed to talk about was how we could possibly make it "work" and me basically asking her to leave her bf for me...We began fighting a lot...I was becoming literally crazy for her at this point. I was doing EVERYTHING I could to have her...But she didn't want to hurt her bf, and didn't think it could work...Ughh... And, you see, I am the type of person who thinks love is something that I'm too young to experience and laughs at those who claim they have experienced it...However, I'm fully convinced I loved her at this point in the story. I was doing everything for Sam and my desperation became apparent. The fighting ensued and I became more sullen, angry, etc. However...While she was on a trip skiing with several friends for a weekend, I realized that I was being led on by her and just had to let her go. But, I am the type of person that unless I discommunicate myself from that person ENTIRELY, I won't get over them. So, I blocked her on AIM and deleted her on Myspace/ FB. I avoided her at school, too. Other than a message that said "why did you delete me?"...She didn't make any action to ammend our relationship..I should've taken that as a sign... I tried forgetting about her but she was all I could think about...One day I was talking to her friend, and she eventually convinced me to start talking to her again. So, I did. It was very akward, but we soon were doing great again...However, we began fighting one night more than we ever had and she began to cry and wouldn't pick up her phone...She eventually let me IM her, though and we were both very tired at this point. She was very angry, too. Then...In the midst of all my emotion, I realized that this was never going to end. She would never leave her bf because where he lacked with her on a personal level, I fulfilled. It supplied all her needs as a girl and I gave her no reason to leave him...I realized this all had to stop... I told her that we couldn't even be friends anymore. She became very upset and long story short was basically like "why can't we just be friends, I dont get it?" I told her it's because all we ever do is fight and I'm never going to stop loving her...If I try to "be friends" the same thing will happen again. She had a bf and she honestly didn't love me like she claimed to or how I did for her..."I have brought you a lot of trouble", I told her. She didn't disagree with me...I hate to admit it, but with tears in my eyes, I told her that this was the last time we would speak again. We couldn't be friends...She told me she thought it's because I wanted to because she was a freshman. "I'm heartbroken either way we go, I'm doing this for YOU. Not me", I told her. I then told her good-bye and that she taught me that I shouldn't be scared to fall in love or lie to myself about it...I was crying like a damn child and haven't felt that low in a while...This was going to be the last time I spoke to her, and that's what hurt most. I honestly loved her...I finally said goodbye one last time and waited to see if she'd say goodbye... She never did... This was 3 weeks ago. She seems rather happy and is doing fine with her bf now...Though I'm not spending my entire day sulking about it, I think about her endlessly, still...I would love to speak to her again, but I can't. I can't keep doing what was happening for so long to her...Cutting off relations with her may not have been best for me, but it was best for HER. I'd love to speak to her...But I can't... And, that's that...
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