Blessings Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Me and my ex dont talk anymore...obviously I had to go NC because being around him was giving me anxiety attacks and he was treating me cold...ughh!! Given that I was in so much pain, I wasn't sane at all.....God, I don't even want to remember how I reacted after the break-up...I even had sex with him, cried and everything... and then felt like crap when the situation seemed so hopeless...... He acted soooo soooo cold..even when he was trying to be nice, it was more like "ok i feel bad for you but please f#*k off, (in a nice polite way)"..he said he cared about me sooo much but his actions spoke much louder than that...i blame myself for sticking around...but seriously I was way too hurt to even think clearly....I tried to kill myself but instead all that happened was I passed out....I used to cry all the time....no, really it was horrrible....a complete nightmare... Anyway....from that I learned I had to be very strong.....Now in my circle of friends, being "depressed" is not really acceptable so I HAD to recover sooner than usual...which I guess it's a good thing....during the day I'm okay....but when the night comes I cant sleep....its bad...i keep remembering things and I even have weird dreams......ughhh!! My ex obvioulsy doesnt know about how much pain i was in and im assuming he thinks it wasnt that bad so he feels guilt free and not the need to apologize for the hurtful, disrespectful things he said to me....only my best friend knows the hell i went through (i hate showing people im hurt so i keep it to myself).... I feel I have become so weird...I'm so confused, I dont even know myself anymore....I'm depressed & okay all at the same time....but because of all the crazy intense pain i went through, my old life feels like a million yrs ago....and my new life is so uncertain........I feel like I dont even know myself and I really have no idea what I want or how I feel....I dont know how I feel about anybody or anything.....Sometimes I feel like I am numb....errrrr!!! such a confusing thread, just like the mess in my head....
saturnsfall Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Me and my ex dont talk anymore...obviously I had to go NC because being around him was giving me anxiety attacks and he was treating me cold...ughh!! Given that I was in so much pain, I wasn't sane at all.....God, I don't even want to remember how I reacted after the break-up...I even had sex with him, cried and everything... and then felt like crap when the situation seemed so hopeless...... He acted soooo soooo cold..even when he was trying to be nice, it was more like "ok i feel bad for you but please f#*k off, (in a nice polite way)"..he said he cared about me sooo much but his actions spoke much louder than that...i blame myself for sticking around...but seriously I was way too hurt to even think clearly....I tried to kill myself but instead all that happened was I passed out....I used to cry all the time....no, really it was horrrible....a complete nightmare... Anyway....from that I learned I had to be very strong.....Now in my circle of friends, being "depressed" is not really acceptable so I HAD to recover sooner than usual...which I guess it's a good thing....during the day I'm okay....but when the night comes I cant sleep....its bad...i keep remembering things and I even have weird dreams......ughhh!! My ex obvioulsy doesnt know about how much pain i was in and im assuming he thinks it wasnt that bad so he feels guilt free and not the need to apologize for the hurtful, disrespectful things he said to me....only my best friend knows the hell i went through (i hate showing people im hurt so i keep it to myself).... I feel I have become so weird...I'm so confused, I dont even know myself anymore....I'm depressed & okay all at the same time....but because of all the crazy intense pain i went through, my old life feels like a million yrs ago....and my new life is so uncertain........I feel like I dont even know myself and I really have no idea what I want or how I feel....I dont know how I feel about anybody or anything.....Sometimes I feel like I am numb....errrrr!!! such a confusing thread, just like the mess in my head.... My ex was cold to me, and he will NEVER acknowledge that. He thinks he's the picture of perfection and acted in a completely normal way. He said some very rude things to me as well. They will never apologize to us for the harsh and hurtful things they said to us, and they will never understand the impact of their words either. That's the part that makes me the saddest. Their harsh words and how they live in our minds. They can say they care all they want, but if they truly did, they wouldn't allow us to go through this. I'm sure people would disagree, saying they care. I don't agree. Whether or not he knows how badly he hurt you, apologizes are far and few between. My ex hurt me, apologized, started spending time with me again and then decided he didn't want to anymore. So, he apologized, but then broke what was already broken even more, and will never apologize for that. Regarding sleeping. I can tell you what I did, and maybe it will help you. I would stay up until I couldn't keep my eyes open. Then I would fall asleep and because I was so tired, I wouldn't remember my dreams. I did this for weeks. I was afraid to go to sleep every night, so I would force myself to stay awake. The thought of sleep was a nightmare in itself, never mind actually sleeping! So, I understand. I'm glad you're keeping busy with friends. That's very important.
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