When I move back home ..is better being far away?

[sinkerswim]

Well as many of you know my story..

I moved 900 miles to be with him...he promised me marriage...children..etc.

 

We are together 4 years and did the LDR thing for over 2.5 years. Visiting back and forth..vacations..etc.

 

I finally moved to Illinois in Oct. 2007, and gave up so much to be here.. but I wanted to. I would finally be with him!

I took that chance in life...he wanted me as his wife....

 

he starts deciding back in the summer in the beginning of June....that he wasnt sure of marrying me anymore..because of my finances (I never got a full time job back..just 2 part time ones)

He said there are other small reasons..but just he isn't happy.. But we decided to give it more time...Of course I was extremely devastated..but we decided to work on it. I was happy.

Ok..

So...all was well.. did another vacation...had some more good times...etc. Nothing seemed wrong.

 

Well..beginning of December..I brought it up. ..he told me the same thing..

didn't want to marry me and thinks we should split up.

I was devastated.

I begged and pleaded..that I didn't want to leave...

to please give me more time. He said.."maybe we can see if we can change things.." but it was always there.

I flew home for Xmas..

he came out too spent 300 dollars on the ticket.....I was so happy and thought he truly wanted me.

He was great..he is still so loving..etc.

New Years..was great.

New Years Day..he hit me like a ton of bricks..

When am I moving? He thinks we need to separate.

 

Ok.. see..I cant get my own place..because I cant afford it!!

This has been my home now for over a year..and have many friends..and now I have to say goodbye.

As much as I love and miss home..I am terrified of starting all over again.

 

I know there is nothing I can do now..but go home.

TO NO JOB OR RELATIONSHIP.

 

Ive been sooo depressed..I can hardly bear it.

I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN LIFE.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL.

 

I see dark and gray.

 

But being away so far..is this going to help or be worse???

I need advice.

[hotdancer2009]

Yeah, I know how you feel. I lost my boyfriend AND my job too. I think that the two go hand and hand. Being financially unstable causes a lot of stress which is inevitably going to affect even the best relationship.

 

I'm a big fan of starting over, so I would think that a move would help. Fresh scenery, so you don't have to look at all the places you went with your ex. I'm planning to move to the other side of the country as soon as I can. Then I don't have to look at my ex's apartment out my window...

[sinkerswim]

Thanks for replying Hotdancer...

although we also have memories in PA...(he would come and visit all the time)

I guess it would be harder here..seeing everywhere we ALWAYS go together.

 

Oh God..I hate this.

I want it back to the way it was.

I dont want to continue on without him in my life.

[You'reasian]

Sinkerswim, what kind of work would you like to do?

[sinkerswim]

Sinkerswim' date=' what kind of work would you like to do?[/quote']

Normally I work in an office environment.

I did that for 13 years before I moved to Illinois..just never got in anywhere.

I now work retail and restaurant out here.

I FAILED COMPLETELY.

[PinkToes]

Hey there, you definitely did NOT fail!! So don't even let yourself think that way. Yes, there are things that haven't worked out the way you had hoped, but that's true for everyone, and it doesn't mean you failed. A relationship is a two-way street, and you did the best you could at the time And even the job market is largely out of your control; there are other factors at work.

 

Meanwhile, you have succeeded at several things that are totally within your control: looking after yourself right now by reaching out on this forum, moving back to PA on your own... I'm sure there are other things. You're doing the best you can to deal with a situation you didn't choose, and that is always something to be proud of.

 

Most of us start over a bunch of times in our lives; it's kind of a transition between endings and beginnings. And the scariest time is the state of limbo where you are now, when you're closer to the ending than the new beginning. Once you're back in PA and taking steps toward the next chapter of your life, it will get easier. And starting over will feel more like a new adventure than something scary that happened to you. Hang in there!

[Intergalactic]

i moved back home after the end of my relationship, and it was honestly the best thing i could have done for myself. it completely removed temptation to see him when he wanted to see me, which would have just given me false hope and a desire to attempt to "get him back", which doesn't work because HE didn't want to be back with me (i'd tried it for two months after he officially "broke up" with me). when i got home, i got back in touch with old friends, didn't have THAT much trouble finding work (and it doesnt have to be the same work you've always done... put yourself out there and try something new! if you don't like it, you can always move on and find something else) and i really started to enjoy my life.

 

and a bonus on top of it all? it's been 7 months since we broke up and 5 months since i left to come home, and he's now starting to admit he misses me A LOT and wishes i had never left. so there ya go

[You'reasian]

Normally I work in an office environment.

I did that for 13 years before I moved to Illinois..just never got in anywhere.

I now work retail and restaurant out here.

I FAILED COMPLETELY.

 

Office environment. What job specifically?

 

The unemployment rate is supposed to top out at 9% sometime this year, so you are not alone. Keep yourself employed doing what you have to and use the down time to focus on your come back.

 

You can do it.

[sedgwick]

I'd say there are two ways you can look at this: as something really devastating, or as a chance to prove to yourself what you're capable of. If you can't find office work, ask yourself what it is you truly want to do, and go for it.

 

Five years ago I was desperately unhappy. I had no real job (just a bunch of part-time or freelance gigs), I was in a bad relationship (not the most recent one; the guy I was with back then was truly horrid and a liar and a cheater and basically treated people in general like sh*t), and I wasn't exercising. When things ended with the jackass, I started bellydancing and doing yoga. Jackass was a writer like me and had recently sold a book, and I was still struggling to get an agent and felt it was basically hopeless. I thought he was so amazing and that I would never reach his heights of greatness.

 

Well, fast forward from 2004 to 2009. I am now in a bellydance company and it is the joy of my life. I do work-study at a yoga studio and take really hard yoga classes a few times a week. I have more upper-body strength than I've ever had. I still hate my body and think I'm pretty definitively ugly, but I have long hair now and I've lost about 25 lbs and gotten into MUCH better shape. I stopped the eating disordered behavior that had plagued me for 20 years. I learned to knit and crochet and started making and selling clothing, and am now teaching a costuming class at a dance studio. Best of all, not only did I get an agent, I got a book deal with my dream publisher. The other day I was looking at my publisher's website and realized it said, "We strive to publish books not for the season, but for the ages." Jackass' publisher is known for putting out humor books and chick lit.

 

I am many, many miles away from any family as well. Five years ago I was considering leaving NYC, admitting failure, and calling it quits. I was about to lose my apartment because I was having trouble paying rent. Now, five years later, I am living my life's dream of supporting myself as a writer, and I have a Manhattan apartment with my name and only my name on the lease. I'm about to fly off to Alaska to make my first film and begin work on my second book, which I plan to propose to my editor as soon as I get back. I just had a fabulous lunch with my awesome agent last week in which we discussed the game plan. I've secured an incredible cinematographer and editor, and I got through all the risk reduction and HR people, as well as the treatment team, at the hospital where we'll be filming, and got them to say yes to working with me. (It's a documentary about adolescent girls in residential psychiatric treatment.) Best of all, more than anything else I've listed here, is the fact that I'm teaching these girls to shoot and edit film (like, actual Super 8 FILM) and hopefully to find a passion that outweighs eating disorders and self-harm.

 

I'm still not in a relationship, and a year and a half ago had my heart broken by the man I truly wanted to marry. But his leaving me has driven me to do things I might not have done if we were still together. I went to Mexico for two months totally by myself and wrote my book in the middle of a rain forest. Even though I cried every day, at least I was crying on the beach and it was all paid for by my dream publisher, heh. If I had still been with him, I wouldn't have wanted to leave, and that trip was one of the most important experiences of my life.

 

I used to be so afraid of life that the only way I could deal with it was by being anorexic and bulimic. Today, even though my heart is broken and I feel profoundly not-good-enough for my most recent ex (who left me because I'm not a musician like he is), I am fearless. I may never have love, but I'll always have the knowledge that I can achieve whatever I want.

 

I know there is nothing I can do now..but go home.

TO NO JOB OR RELATIONSHIP.

 

I hope you now realize that there are many, many, MANY other things you can do now. Hell, you could close your eyes and point to somewhere on the map and take a cheap Greyhound ride there and start a whole new life all your own. You could write, dance, paint, make things, start your own business, find and follow your passion, help other people, change the world. All of these things are absolutely possible, without question.