cabarc1 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 My ex bf and i dated for 5 years and were engaged for 2. I called our wedding off because i was not ready and wanted to take some time apart to make sure. Of course this devastated him... We still hung out for 5 months and then he started seeing another girl and of course he had no sympathy for my tears and told me that he was gonna move on i was to do the same After 3 months i started going NC because i realized i would never heal if i kept any kind of contact with him. After those 3 months he also started being nice to me again. Well after those 3 months he has broken NC by texting me (which i ignored) and when the 5 month mark came (since he had been seeing that girl,basically living with her), he sends me a $200 gift card and baked me a pumpkin pie cause he knew how much i like it, which i tried to give it all back He tells me how he still likes taking care of me, he hasn't thrown any of my stuff away because he doesn't RULE ME OUT and knows what we had was special, he even kissed me that day i tried to return the gift!! I told him not to do that anymore and he said "ok, until ur bday" and i said "NO"!! Who wants to take care of their ex when in a new relationship, how can you honestly be in love with the new girl?? Someone please tell me how this is considered MOVING ON????? I'd be very worried and pissed if i was his new gf and found out he gave his ex a $200 xmas present, kissed her, and has the mentality of there being a chance they might get back together. I mean a person shouldn't be in a relationship if they don't rule out their ex right???? That was my only relationship so i'm new to this and i'm 26. Is he moving on???? Is he just wanted to see if the grass is greener?? Or is he just a dog??? Keep in mind, i called the wedding off but he is the one that jumped into a new relationship and wanted to MOVE ON supposedly........
ReeWoo Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Is he just wanting to see if the grass is greener?? yes Or is he just a dog??? yes IMO, move along, you don't have to be nice. Kissing you means that he's playing both sides. You're his back up girl in case his current relationship doesn't give him what he wants. When his current relationship ends he may come back to you for a short time before he moves on to someone else. Also, next time, before you tell someone that you want to marry them, make sure that you mean it when you say yes.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 He never moved on correctly. Firstly, no way in Gods green earth he would be ready for a new relationship 5 months after a 5 year relationship. I call bs right off the bat. This guy is weak mentally, and jumped ship to spare himself the unbearable pain. Pathetic. Secondly, he is a liar and has shown you what he really is made of, by disrespecting his new relationship via kissing you. This is another pathetic move. This guy is laughable at this point. But you ****ed up too by breaking up with him to see if he was the one. That's some stupid mentality right there, if I do say so myself.
Author cabarc1 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Yeah it was stupid! I had never had another bf before and i guess it bothered me and worried me. we were fighting a lot towards the end but i was too immature to know how to handle things. I've never been MAD at him for being with another girl. I'm just angry because if he wants to move on, then he needs to leave me alone so i can properly heal. I've told him how much it hurts me and that i wanted to try again but i guess through this breakup i've seen his true colors...
durotto Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 a) You seem to be his backup plan of sorts ... Don't be that girl .. b) His new gf seems to be his rebound girl. Why do you blame him for having one ? It seems that you are annoyed that he has found someone .. I mean you just called off the wedding .. so I am sure that he can find someone .. unless of course if he was cheating on you ? but you don't say that anywhere .. so I assume that the reasons were other emotional reasons.. c) You called off the wedding so I am sure that you must have thought things through .. Go through those again and keep NC . d) also like DSM-IV said .. pls be sure when you commit to a marriage .. .. I am sure your guy is really hurting in his mind and in some ways still carries the scars of your rejection .. when you say he had no sympathy for my tears ... I think that you tried to get back for some reason (do correct me if I am wrong ).. but he was not willing to be hurt by you anymore ..
Author cabarc1 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Yeah i did try and get back with him but you're right(probably just from the anxiety), he was scared. Calling the wedding off was not easy for me, i cried my head off but i was miserable because we had issues and couldn't figure out the root of it till later. I do not regret calling it off because at THAT TIME, it would have been a mistake. And i'm not annoyed he found someone else, considering i put in capital letters i'm NOT MAD at him. I said i was mad at him for saying he wants to move on, yet he doesn't seem to be doing it by his actions. I let him go so he can do what he wants, and he is the one breaking NC. So that is what i'm annoyed with. He can't expect me to be ok with his contacting me while he is with another girl. If that's what he wants, then GO, and leave me alone so i can move on.
Ronni_W Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 at him for saying he wants to move on, yet he doesn't seem to be doing it by his actions. I'd take it that he actually is moving on, and that his actions have more to do with the possibility that he does not wish for YOU to move on. As durotto said, sounds like your ex wants to (try to) keep you in the wings as his 'Plan B' (or 'K' or 'Z') wife and mother of his children. With his future gifts, email him, "Thanks, I donated it to the Salvation Army/local food bank. They think you're very generous." Hugs. Sorry you're going through this.
Justmike101 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 am I the only one here who has sympathy for the guy? I mean she broke off the engagement. She rejected him. So he copes it in a wrong way by dating some chick real fast. So what? he's not the only perpetrator here.
nature Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 He is hurt. You broke off an engagement. That is not something taken lightly. I think his behaviour now is passive-aggressive. He is angry at you, but not showing it in the normal "angry" way. He's showing it passive-aggressively. Dating another woman right away, telling you he doesn't want to get back together but maybe someday, etc. He's hurt, so now he's thinking he wants you to hurt. He's thinking, you wanted to break up? Well then I'll show you what it feels like to break up. He's punishing you because he's hurt. but he's doing it in a non-aggressive way. And I can't blame him. He's hurt. You ended an engagement. Just like that, you pulled the rug out from under him. So now he's pissed, and it's payback time at you.
Author cabarc1 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 I will never doubt for one second that he is hurt and very angry with me. And i absolutely would never blame him for that either!! I don't expect people to feel sympathy for me because i knew what i was doing when i did it and i knew the risk that came with it I guess i just don't understand why he would intentionally try and hurt me. I wasn't gonna throw this in because it's from the past and i had forgiven him for it but........in the beginning of our 5 year relationship, he cheated on me and i found out a bunch of lies he told me and i forgave him, it took a while but i did. Never did i try to hurt him! I was able to get the trust back and realized he had learned his lesson. He really hated himself for how bad he hurt me. Well here i go and screw up and he has to intentionally hurt me???? Why can't i be forgiven, even if it's not right away??? And he has a new gf, he needs to focus on her and not worry about me is how i see it....
Author cabarc1 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Oh yeah and i guess what i also find CONFUSING is if what i did was so horrible and he is so angry with me, then why does he still want to take care of me??? He told me to ask him for ANYTHING and he will give it to me because no one understands what i mean to him, and that he LIKES taking care of me...............
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 What a dumb situation. Either: A). Talk to him about getting back together, and get back together. (Unless he doesn't want to. Then cut him off 100% permanently). B). Talk to him about how he's in a relationship now, and cut him off 100% permanently. It takes two to talk.
Author cabarc1 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Yeah it is a dumb situation. I wouldn't even be in it if i hadn't called the wedding off. He knows i want to get back together but he made it clear that he hasn't ruled me out but isn't making any decisions on what's best for him for a good while. I respect his decision so i got out of his way. But if moving on is what he wants, then again, leave me alone so i can move on and heal!
nature Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Cabarc....I think it's good you called off the engagement if it didn't feel right. You say My ex bf and i dated for 5 years and were engaged for 2. I called our wedding off because i was not ready and wanted to take some time apart to make sure. Of course this devastated him... Why exactly did you call off the wedding and want to take time apart? However, you didn't really take time apart. You kept in touch for 5 months after, until he started seeing someone new. Then you were upset about that. My take on his angle, is that he was devastated when you called it off. He still hung out with you for 5 months after...realized it wasn't going anywhere and he was confused, so he threw in the towel and just decided to start seeing someone new. I don't think he did it to hurt you. He is probably bloody confused about what you want. You say you wanted time apart, yet kept in contact wiht him for 5 months after. Still, after 5 months, did you say you wanted the wedding back on? I'm assuming not, which is why he just said f*ck it, and got himself a new girlfriend. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's how I see it. Sometimes when we're hurt, we don't do the right thing. My ex called off our engagement 8 months ago. I wrote about it under the title "My painful, awful, sad experience". It has confused me to no end, and he has kept in touch too. Or tried too. Which has made it even more confusing. You just don't know what to think, and sometimes it feels like you're getting played like a fool. I'm thinking this may be the way your ex has been feeling? I think he's still nice to you and does things for you becasue he doesn't want to seem angry and bitter. He wants to seem like he's accepted you ending your relationship and that he's ok with it. He probably thinks that's what you want? He doesn't want to seem like the angry ex fiance, so he's trying to be nice still. To stop you from feeling guilty for calling off the engagement. I was the same the first months. Nice to my ex when he contacted me. My pride was hurt, but I didn't want to seem jaded. I wanted to be strong. Which i think your ex is trying to do. He may be gun shy now about getting back together. AS I would be. I've gone in to NC with my ex, because it was hurting me too much. And I finally decided i've been kind enough, I don't need to try anymore. So I've disappeared. Sometimes games start happening between ex's. Trying to one up each other out of pride. I think that's what's happening with your ex and you. He's silently thinking, "ok you don't want to marry me, well then I'll find a new girlfriend". He's passive aggressively saying f*ck you. but at the same time being super sucky nice to you, so that you don't catch on to his game. Do you know what I mean? That way you can't say he's a horrible person and he can act innocent in his punishment of you. But it's not innocent. He wants you to hurt. But he doesn't want you to know that he wants you to hurt. I kind of know where he's coming from. I've been a little the same with my ex. I think what you need to do is not react now. You reacted to the pumpkin pie, you reacted to the girlfriend. Etc. He's getting what he wanted. You being upset. He pretends that's not what he wants. But in actuallity, it is what he wants. He wants you to hurt. But pretends he doesn't. So I think right now while he's still playing this "game" of sorts, you need to go into NC. No reaction. Disappear. Nothing. No response. You've told him you want to get back together. He knows that. Don't say antoher word to him. Disappear. It will start him wondering. It won't seem so fun dating the new girlfreind when he's not getting a hurt reaction out of you. At some point the silence will get to him, and it will force him into sitting with himself and thinking. One cannot play a game if they don't have an opponent willing to play along. Stop playing into it.
Author cabarc1 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 I really deeply appreciate your comment. I guess it opens my eyes to how he must feel considering you were in his same shoes. I called the wedding off because we were fighting all the time. He hated where i worked, he hated his own job, he didn't like any of my friends but didn't have any of his own. He was always so negative. No matter what, he was always so loving to me. I had never had another bf, and with all the negativity i was unhappy so i wanted out to make sure. I know it sounds so selfish, but once we were married, i knew i'd never have another chance so it scared the hell out of me.. I was realize now it was a bunch of stupid little things that could have been fixed but my immaturity got in the way. once he met that new girl, i cried more than anything not because i was losing him, but because i realized then how painful it was for him and it killed me to know i hurt him that bad. I know i was so confusing for him because i never really did take time apart like i wanted, i guess i acted like he is acting now(but i didn't know how seeing me affected him, but HE DOES KNOW, since he went through it). I regret it more than anything, and it really is hard to appreciate someone if you've never known anyone else. I know it now, but i can't do anything about it. All i want is for him to be happy, but not to string me along. I know now not so show him any kind of reaction and to stay away. It's gonna take time for him to forgive me.......
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