climbergirl Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I don't often ask for advice, but am hoping to get some objective insight on my situation. I'm just not understanding. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married since August. We were actually engaged early last year but he broke it off in May. Soon after, he heard (via tv/news) about the accidental death of a close, young relative of mine-an event he knew would absolutely devastate me. He called me to express his condolences and we were together again and things were wonderful-it seemed like we had put things in perspective. And we got married. Since then, it's been one dramatic event after another. Merging of households, merging of different parenting rules (he and I each have 2 girls living with us), both of us in school full time. Anyway, he moved into my house with his girls, but at the end of October he and I got into a fight and he packed his and his girls stuff up in the middle of a school week and moved their stuff back to his place (which wasn't up for market I might add). The kids had no clue and broke down when he sprung it on them (his girls) and when my girls came home and saw all their stuff was gone (all the girls are very close and loved being step-sisters). I'm making this too long, so I'll concise it a bit. About a month after, we got back together with the stipulation that we would go to counselling. Something we told each other and our girls so that they knew we were being proactive and wanted to fix things. They wanted us together. We never went and the arguing continued. I am in no way saying this is all him. I was/am definately half of the equation. I know this because I couldn't function in school, would cry spontaneously-just wasn't myself. I was a mess and diagnosed with major depression. I have never considered myself a depressed person but with my moms cancer, my nephews death, marriage/reconcilliation/impending divorce all within 6 months or so...blech...wasn't surprised. Anyway, he wants a divorce. It seems like I have always been there for him, even when he pushed me away, but with the exception of the recent death--he never seems to be there for me. He has ended things with me more times than I can count. Right before my moms surgery, right before finals, right after my diagnosis. I want to be pissed.
Geishawhelk Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Suggest that before you divorce, you keep your promises to your respective daughters and go counselling. Tell him (which is true) that counselling isn't necessarily about keeping people together, but about discussing issues that stop you being rational. It's about airing your differences in a logical environment and being constructive and not destructive - even if you end up parting.
TrustInYourself Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Address your depression and address your perspective on the relationship. What kind of advice are you looking for?
Author climbergirl Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 That's a part that I forgot to add...even a week ago he was saying that we should go 'talk to someone'. I told him to make an appointment as I'm very pro counselling and I know he isn't a big proponent of it. He isn't a real 'follow through' type of person. I wanted him to want it too-I know him well enough to know that he says things to placate. I've said exactly what you said when he told me divorce was imminent-keep our promise to our kids that we'd see a counselor. He refuses and says it's too late. He says he's done everything he can. And the irony is that even after this promise to his kids and convincing his oldest to go see a psychologist, he back tracks on our counselling that affects all of us. He's an out of sight, out of mind person. For example, he had my 4 year old daughters b'day on his calendar, but when we split up in Oct. he whited it out. By contrast, I have his kids (my stepkids) pictures up and drawings on my fridge whereas there is no trace of any of us anywhere in his house.
Author climbergirl Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Address your depression and address your perspective on the relationship. What kind of advice are you looking for? Yes, I have addressed the depression. I hate it but am on anti-depressants and IC. Unfortunately I stopped them in mid Dec when finals were done, but realized that was a mistake. I started them again 2 weeks ago. And I don't know, part vent, part wanting someone to say this is beyond repair, and part telling me how they would act if part of this situation. As a spouse how would you act? I guess I do everything I can to help someone (which may be part of my demise). In my family (we are very close), no matter what contentions you may have with one another...you are always there for them. I guess that is what is hard to deal with his make up.
TrustInYourself Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 He sounds incapable of being part of your support structure. Maybe you are demanding and he's just not ready for that. It could be a number of things. It sounds painful. I would react with agreement. I would give him space. I would try and be less needy and more supportive of his feelings. I would start to develop other forms of support. I would reach out to family and friends. I would assure the kids involved that they are not to blame and to make sure they are ok emotionally. I would just try and be the beacon of hope and love. That's what I would do.
Touche Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Anyway, he wants a divorce. It seems like I have always been there for him, even when he pushed me away, but with the exception of the recent death--he never seems to be there for me. He has ended things with me more times than I can count. Right before my moms surgery, right before finals, right after my diagnosis. I want to be pissed. So my question is "so why AREN'T you?" You have every right to be pissed. I was just posting on James' thread about how it seems nowadays, people just bail when times get tough. For whatever reason, they can't work it out and ride out the bad times. Your H is like that. He seems to bail when the going gets tough. What's that expression..."when the going gets tough the tough get going." Yes, they get going by working on things to make it right. The rest of that expression ought to read: "but the weak just get gone." It's a shame about the girls. Maybe they can still see each other. I wouldn't waste more time with this man. A good marriage should feel like coming home to that soft spot to land, you know? If you're always worried about the next argument, the next time he wants to bail, you never have the peace and security that a good marriage, in part, is all about. So I really don't get why you're not pissed. You should be. Not only for yourself but for your girls. Didn't the guy take vows with you to love each other in "good times and bad?"
Author climbergirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 He sounds incapable of being part of your support structure. Maybe you are demanding and he's just not ready for that. It could be a number of things. It sounds painful. I would react with agreement. I would give him space. I would try and be less needy and more supportive of his feelings. I would start to develop other forms of support. I would reach out to family and friends. I would assure the kids involved that they are not to blame and to make sure they are ok emotionally. I would just try and be the beacon of hope and love. That's what I would do. Thank you for replying. Incapable of being part of my support structure...you're right about that. And i feel very fortunate to have my family-my mom especially. But he doesn't have one...family, friends-and i want to help. Maybe because I do have a support structure and he doesn't. Demanding? Quite possible. I do admit that there is black/white perspective for me when it comes to children and their feelings. I just want to set a good example... And hasn't been easy. And I do believe I have been supportive in spite of the divorce. I really don't feel comfortable giving all info involved, but he has a bigger issue going on than me. He knows that I'm supportive of him in regards to this. I try to assure all the kids (and he knows this) that no matter what, they are a part of our life. But in spite of all this, he blocks us all out and hurts everyone-especially the girls. And to me...thats unacceptable.
Author climbergirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 So my question is "so why AREN'T you?" You have every right to be pissed. I was just posting on James' thread about how it seems nowadays, people just bail when times get tough. For whatever reason, they can't work it out and ride out the bad times. Your H is like that. He seems to bail when the going gets tough. What's that expression..."when the going gets tough the tough get going." Yes, they get going by working on things to make it right. The rest of that expression ought to read: "but the weak just get gone." It's a shame about the girls. Maybe they can still see each other. I wouldn't waste more time with this man. A good marriage should feel like coming home to that soft spot to land, you know? If you're always worried about the next argument, the next time he wants to bail, you never have the peace and security that a good marriage, in part, is all about. So I really don't get why you're not pissed. You should be. Not only for yourself but for your girls. Didn't the guy take vows with you to love each other in "good times and bad?" Can I say, Touche, I love that you posted. There is not one thing I can disagree about. To me, marriage should be about the good times and bad. I read numerous posts on cheating and lying, deceiving, but we have gone through a rough spot-none of it involves aforementioned and he bails. Again. What gets me is that he doesn't think about how it affects others. If he truly did he would go through whatever avenue to say, "I did what I could". He didn't. I guess what hurts me is that he knows who I am, but what I've gone through this year. Not trying to self pity, but it really has hit us harder than i can explain. In a role reversal, I can say without a doubt I would work with my partner. I can't imagine leaving them when they need me the most. He's in the midst of something that has nothing to do with me, but yet I worry about him. And it's so sad that his thoughts only revolve around himself instead of his kids, my kids, me. I find myself consoling and supporting him...but nothing in my direction. This isn't what I imagined our marriage to be.
Touche Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Can I say, Touche, I love that you posted. Thanks, Climber! You've been around here almost as long as I've been and I've always liked your posts. There is not one thing I can disagree about. To me, marriage should be about the good times and bad. I read numerous posts on cheating and lying, deceiving, but we have gone through a rough spot-none of it involves aforementioned and he bails. Again. What gets me is that he doesn't think about how it affects others. If he truly did he would go through whatever avenue to say, "I did what I could". He didn't. Unfortunately that says it all. He reminds me of this old expression..he's a "good time Charlie." Not sure if you've ever heard it..but it means a friend who is only a friend as long as the times are good. So in his case, he's only willing to be a husband as long as the times are good. Very immature. I guess what hurts me is that he knows who I am, but what I've gone through this year. Not trying to self pity, but it really has hit us harder than i can explain. In a role reversal, I can say without a doubt I would work with my partner. I can't imagine leaving them when they need me the most. I believe you. And that's why I'd be pissed too. Why do you accept so little in return? Again I ask you climber, why aren't you pissed? You're not a doormat are you? He's in the midst of something that has nothing to do with me, but yet I worry about him. And it's so sad that his thoughts only revolve around himself instead of his kids, my kids, me. I find myself consoling and supporting him...but nothing in my direction. This isn't what I imagined our marriage to be. Well if I were you, I'd immediately back off on all that support, Climber. It's your ONLY chance. Not saying this will work but when you keep doing what you've been doing, you're going to keep getting what you've been getting (or not getting.) See what I mean? So back WAY the hell off. See if he responds. If he does, tell him that you're no longer willing to give him more than he gives you. That may just be the wake-up call he needs. Also, you say that he has a bigger issue going on than you. I can't think of ANY single issue that should be bigger than you and those girls. Unless he has cancer and is dying maybe...other than that, nope. No excuse. I admire your concern for all the girls involved here but Climber, you shouldn't be taking a back seat in his life either. You're his WIFE! You have plenty of reasons to be pissed off here. And it does worry me a little that you're not. (Like I said, doormat behavior...too nice. Men really DO love bitches!)
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