Mr.Confused Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I apologize for making this so long. Forgive! I've been seeing my girlfriend since June and things have been great up until recently. Some background: I'm 27 and she's 19 and I went into this knowing that she's in college and that's time for a lot of change and what not. I assure her that I don't want to consume her life and want her to embrace change and experiences. Of course I'd like to be part of all this as well, but I can't expect anything. Her past relationships were typical high school ones and the ones in college weren't very good. It just seemed that she hasn't had anyone who treats her well. Shortly after we met she broke up with a boyfriend because it wasn't based on anything but physicality. I was always traveling the states but since we met we were always texting/emailing/talking and I wasn't bothered by the distance at all. I saw her every month over the summer and each time we saw each other things felt better and better. In August she told me she probably had to take it slow with me because her ex is in her group of friends and she had to deal with that upon returning to school. I respected that she wanted to make sure that whole situation wasn't going to interfere with me so i remained patient. She started school and I went and saw her and things were great. She has told me that she isn't very good with talking about her feelings even though she wants to with me. It's been a problem with her, but in her letter she said that i hade her happy and that she wanted to be mine completely. Things were going as planned. We kept up with talking a lot and writing letters seeing each other. She tells me she wants me closer and I agree that it would be better because i care deeply for her. The last time we saw each other was at the beginning of December and I told her that i was falling in love with her and she said the same thing back to me. She assures me she only says things like that if she means it. Once she went home for winter break the communication dwindled immensely. I understand that the holidays are time for family and friends so I did my best to not assume that something was wrong, but it was hard. I went from a lot of daily communication to virtually zero during this period. I couldn't help but eventually feel as if something was wrong. I just feel it's not hard to send a text or a quick email to someone you supposedly are falling for. When we did talk I casually brought up how i felt during this period and didn't make it a big dramatic deal, but from what I gathered she was just busy and I was silly to think something was wrong. I thought about all the good things she's told me and about her admitted shortcomings and just figured she was busy. End of story. But i couldn't help but feel bad. Now it's halfway through January and she's back at school and the communication is still less than normal. When we talk things seems fine and she's visiting me at the end of the month. But i can't help but feel that this visit is a breakup visit. I have a lot of free time now so I hope I"m just being paranoid and silly by putting time into over-thinking and over analyzing the situation. I wanna know what the deal is, but I don't wanna make it a big deal and try to keep it on neutral ground. Because I'm not sure if i'm just psyching myself out OR having a feeling that something really is going on. I'm aware communication is key, but Im' still confused and slightly afraid. I know the simple answer is to just tell her how this change has been making her feel. But i don't wanna make her feel bad about it. If any of you other LDR people have encouraging words I could really use them now. Or if you have some reality check things to tell me I could use those as well. Thanks.
TMichaels Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Mr. Confused, Big age/maturity level difference between a 19 yr-old and yourself at 27 yrs of age. Combine that with the fact that she doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and it's no wonder her behavior is "erratic." Sorry, but from the sounds of it, I wouldn't give the relationship great odds for success... Not suggesting that you call off your visit, but you might want adjust your expectations regarding the relationship. No sense you sitting around obsessing and getting paranoid about what's going on. She's young, has a lot of growing up to do, and you might better spend your time pursuing a relationship with someone closer to your own age and outlook. HTH, TMichaels
Author Mr.Confused Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 I don't think I have expectations. It's just that how could it all of a sudden go from a lot of contact to very little when there is nothing apparently wrong. I just want to know if she just needs less contact or what. If I know her side I wouldn't have a problem. And i'm guessing i just need to ask without putting her in a defensive position by "accusing." I just figure the best way to find things out is to just talk about our relationship during her visit so i can see her reactions and etc. I understand what you said to me, but I don't wanna give up on it yet. At least not without a good reason.
LavendarGirl Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 She is visiting you in less than two weeks. Try to not let any of this worry consume you between now and then. There could be a number of reasons why she's pulled back from you, and until you guys talk about where you are both at and your feelings, you won't know. So keep yourself busy between now and then. And when you see her at the end of the month, just keep an open mind and heart. She might be having issues that are easy to deal with. She might be overwhelmed with the relationship and the direction things are going. She might have a change of heart. But you won't know 'till you talk to her. She is young (19) but that doesn't mean that you two can't have a relationship that works. Don't let your insecurities cause to you be too smothering OR too stand-offish. Just try and be yourself. Good luck, --LG.
Island Girl Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 When we did talk I casually brought up how i felt during this period and didn't make it a big dramatic deal, but from what I gathered she was just busy and I was silly to think something was wrong. Is this what YOU said? You brought up the lack of contact and then threw out she probably was busy and that you were silly to think something was wrong...? Because if you did, there is a lesson to be learned here. You brought up the topic but you really needed to hear why from her lips without prompting. Because you said it -- you fed her valid reasons - and even if she says "exactly" you still do not have full validation. It just doesn't feel as relieving as an explanation directly from her. As far as the relationship goes - just relax. You will be with her in just a couple of weeks and that will tell you more than any phone call or e-mail. LDR can vary in contact depending on what is going on. She started new classes when she got back to school and maybe her course load is a little tougher or she has more homework. Whatever the case may be she is still investing time and I do not think if it was the end she would. I know when I was that age I'd just end it with the guy and move on. It didn't make sense to spend any more time and energy than I already had. Hope that helps!
Kamiano Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 i agree with island girl... if youre asking its for a reason. a reason she has to give not yourself. knowing is soo much better than guessing. trust me. hey islandgirl u seem to have some pretty good insight. i would love it if you could share ur take on my situation
SierraRose Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Mr. Confused, Big age/maturity level difference between a 19 yr-old and yourself at 27 yrs of age. Combine that with the fact that she doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and it's no wonder her behavior is "erratic." Sorry, but from the sounds of it, I wouldn't give the relationship great odds for success... Not suggesting that you call off your visit, but you might want adjust your expectations regarding the relationship. No sense you sitting around obsessing and getting paranoid about what's going on. She's young, has a lot of growing up to do, and you might better spend your time pursuing a relationship with someone closer to your own age and outlook. HTH, TMichaels I couldn't have said it better myself. I know, as a woman-what I wanted in a man/relationship at 19 vs. 27 were totally different.
DunnoWhat Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Why did you tell her you love her? You freaked her out it seems. What you do is let her contact you more. I bet you're the one always trying to make contact. She might feel pressured. You need to find some hobbies to take up instead or worrying about her. She's young and I'd say she's taking your attention for granted. You let her know how lucky she is to have you. She might still be looking forward to seeing you.
Bostongirl Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Listen. She's in college. She's living a crazy life-- regardless of her personality, because that is what college is. Your life is much different from hers; your hours, obligations, living situations, and friends are all completely polarized. You need different things. My guess is that you're coming on a little strong for her. College is a time to grow, and as much as you may love her (and she you!), she is growing, and you are grown. I'm not condemning the relationship by any means, but you need to be cautious. She needs to be living her life first and foremost. I know it sucks, but your relationship is going to have to be put on a backburner while she does this. More importantly, if you want the relationship to go anywhere, you have to be OKAY with that. You have to be open to her changing, and supportive of the outcome. Honestly... it sounds like you guys need to have a communication make-over. Especially since you are uncomfortable asking her what's going on in her world. College years, as I'm sure you know, are confusing and altering. Take it from a current college kid: what she's going from is probably a lot different then what you remember. I don't know. Just ask her. Whatever will be, will be. Remember that. If you two are supposed to be together, then you will be. And remember... there is always the future. Maybe you have to wait a little while.... but in a few years, once she is older, you might find that you feel the same way and are better equipt to be with her.
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