techfan Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Hi guys, so now that my ex broke it off with me, I seem to have placed her high up on a pedestal at the moment in my mind. When I was with her, obviously i loved her more than anything but i knew she wasn't perfect, she had flaws. We all do. But for some reason now that we aren't together, in my mind she is perfect and those flaws dont seem to matter at all..... its killin me. How do you handle that and move forward beyond that point? The break is very fresh.... about a week and a half.... I have been NC except for 1 email which maybe I shouldn't have written but her response brought closure to my questions.... How do i kick the image of her off this pedestal? I dont want to focus on the bad things about her but should I? sheesh, this is rough.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 This is natural and time has to be the one to grab your hand and pull you through this stage. She will look perfect til the initial shock/pain of loss fades, and then you see her for how she really was.
Author techfan Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Yeah, i understand. She was my first real heavy duty relationship (im 31) and it was about 3 years together. But she left me and now for some reason she is so perfect in my eyes, i know its not true but my mind and heart keep telling me it is.... its so odd. And since im 31, now it seems it will take forever just to get over her and move on let alone meet someone new who is just as good if not better..... i try and tell myself that I will in time, but my heart doesn't agree with me....I think my age being a factor makes me feel old like time is running out.... not sure why. i gotta man up. This is craziness.
Geishawhelk Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Man puts woman on a pedestal, and then she complains when he's under her feet all day. So, you want to be underfoot......?
Trialbyfire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 When I was with her, obviously i loved her more than anything but i knew she wasn't perfect, she had flaws. techfan, did she feel you weren't appreciating her, when you were together?
Author techfan Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Well not to drag it out for you, she wanted to move in take the next step in our relationship.... i wanted to as well but i was a bit hesitant because of a few things... (one being this was my first heavy duty relationship and i was still trying to find out what i truly wanted and if i was ready to take that leap) But as time has passed my love kept growing for her more and more..... I took a 4 month job across the country from her and because i worked 14 hour days the distance made it tough, so we drifted apart... but my love never stopped, i just got distracted. Now that im back, i found out she built up this wall without telling me because she thought I wouldn't want to move in/have kids down the line and in her heart she didn't feel 100 percent that I was the one for her.... I admit i neglected her a bit which SUCKS and i realize my mistakes now but she never brought it up during my time away.... so basically what it seems to me is we had a lack of communication which led her to withdraw emotionally from the relationship without really withdrawing from it until i got back...... it kills me that I could have prevented this if i knew or was at least more proactive about it all... i got caught up in trying to work hard for my career and save money for the potential future we might have together and while I was doing that and planning on moving down that road, she was doing the opposite.
Author techfan Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Trialbyfire, I never stopped appreciating her, i just got distracted and didn't let her know enough im sure.... but when i got back and told her i wanted to fight and do whatever it takes to make this work, because we were a team, she had already withdrawn to the point of no return. Just kills me because everything else between us seemed so good and so right.
Trialbyfire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 So is this really all about her or more, what you feel about yourself? There's no need to answer that question to me. Answer it to yourself. In idealizing her, you can continue to self-flagellate. In doing so, you retain control of what might have happened, had you done something else. Hindsight is 20/20.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Trialbyfire you are good with psychology it seems. I want you on my team
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Trialbyfire you are good with psychology it seems. I want you on my team Can I be on your team too? I can learn. I wan't in, you guys are awesome.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Well I like you knight you keep it real, so you can be on the same ship as me anytime brother
Trialbyfire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 The difficulty with online forums is that all you can base your responses on, is what a person shows online. My responses aren't necessarily right or wrong, good or bad. They're just my opinion and opinions are a dime a dozen. No one can know the real life dynamics between individuals or within individuals. Sometimes the individuals don't even know them, themselves, so this type of forum might make them think about things in a different way. techfan, no matter what, the end result is that you need to take her off that pedestal. No one belongs on one. It's a long way to fall.
Author techfan Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 So is this really all about her or more, what you feel about yourself? There's no need to answer that question to me. Answer it to yourself. In idealizing her, you can continue to self-flagellate. In doing so, you retain control of what might have happened, had you done something else. Hindsight is 20/20. You are right. I admit we both made mistakes....And i take most of the blame. But i guess the fault falls on both sides to a degree as relationships take teamwork. But the part that really got me was that when I realized the problem really needed to get worked on, it was too late and she didnt want to work on it together because she was too far gone. She didnt feel it anymore.... and that is because of my lack of communication, and hers... hindsight is 20/20 for sure. I think its just painful to me to see us go down without a fight together to save the R. I still want to make it work but she doesn't feel it anymore. So i suppose i find instead of working on the solution i find myself dwelling on what i could have done to fix it and beating myself up. Hence me placing her high up on a pedestal in the sky.
Trialbyfire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 You are right. I admit we both made mistakes....And i take most of the blame. But i guess the fault falls on both sides to a degree as relationships take teamwork. But the part that really got me was that when I realized the problem really needed to get worked on, it was too late and she didnt want to work on it together because she was too far gone. She didnt feel it anymore.... and that is because of my lack of communication, and hers... hindsight is 20/20 for sure. I think its just painful to me to see us go down without a fight together to save the R. I still want to make it work but she doesn't feel it anymore. So i suppose i find instead of working on the solution i find myself dwelling on what i could have done to fix it and beating myself up. Hence me placing her high up on a pedestal in the sky. It takes two to tango and one to let go of either end of the string that binds you. It's time to let go of your end too. This won't be easy and will take time. But maybe your first step is realizing that both of you are responsible for a relationship to succeed. No one person is ever totally at fault, beyond abusive behaviour and even then, how much a person takes abuse, is something to own. She's not perfect. She let go from insecurities without clearly communicating those issues, in order to give the relationship a second chance. You're not perfect, in that you might have ignored or not noticed the distancing. Not everyone can sustain an LDR. I know for fact I don't have the skills or motivation to do so...and yes, I do speak from experience. Good luck techfan. One baby step at a time.
alwayssme Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 lol it comes with time my friend, it comes with time. Heck, sometimes you automatically cant stand the person simply because they broke your heart...believe me there are plenty of emotions that come along with grieving...and yes putting them on a pedestal is one of them... although my ex WAS a great person, at the end of the day he was human and had his flaws too...i'm not all for "think of all the bad things of the relationship and the ex to get over it"...no i acknowledge both, the good & the bad....
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