thetinman Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I'm new here, so thanks for taking the time to listen, and hopefully respond. I'll try to keep it as short as possible. My wife and have been together since high school - we met at prom (2002). We became each others best friend, moved in together (2004), went to college together, bought a house (2006), and got married (2007). We used to go out all the time, movies, dinner, a concert or two. She was what I wanted in someone I was going to spend my life with - it was the relationship I always wanted. Right after we got married, she started complaining of abdominal pain. It started getting progressively worse, so we started looking for an answer. She didn't seem all that interested in going to the Dr, but I pushed on and we found out in 2008 that she has interstitial cystitis - an incurable bladder condition where the lining of the bladder disintegrates leaving the nerve endings exposed. She started the standard treatments, but they failed. I spent a lot of time researching alternative treatments, visited the local college medical library, and found an experimental treatment. She started the treatment and it worked! Once the bladder pain was resolved she began complaining of joint pain. We've been to many a doctor in the past and pretty much every speciality has cleared her - unable to diagnose the cause of the joint pain. She claims her pain is a 6-7 on the pain scale every day. This keeps us from going out, having sex, everything but work. I'm hesitant to call her a hypochondriac, because she does have the IC, but nobody can figure out whats going wrong. We're probably going to Emory to have a panel of doctors examine her later this quarter. I'm so unhappy in our relationship. I certainly don't mind taking care of her, but there are so many other issues in our relationship. -She doesn't show me any affection or appreciation. We used to curl up on the couch, watch TV or a movie, make out, just be happy spending time together. Now we don't kiss (she says she cant stand me smoking - she's had 7 years to get over it!), cuddle, hug, she doesn't get excited when I get home. I need physical attention, it makes me feel loved, but she doesn't do anything. I earn twice what she does, handle all of our finances, take care of paperwork, taxes, etc. I cook, clean up, do laundry. All she does when she's not working is play puzzle games on her computer. She gets home from work, and gets on her computer. Sometimes she'll watch TV with me, but the computer never gets put down. She'd rather pet the cats and play the computer. When I go out to run errands, sometimes I'll pick up little things for her - a shirt she'd like, or a book she's been wanting, and all I get is an "oh, thanks" and she's back on the computer. Stupid me has even bought her a computer game in the past - I really just want her to be happy, and I know it's hard if she's in pain all the time. -We can't talk about things anymore. We used to argue over the little **** and discuss the important stuff. If I bring up anything even remotely negative she cries and says shes sorry and that shes such a bad person and that'll she'll work on it, but nothing ever changes. I'm tired of trying to talk because I also end up retreating and trying to calm her down, and then NOTHING changes. -She doesn't make any effort anymore. She doesn't proactively call Drs or research her issues. She doesn't want to go out, or make love. Despite her saying she wants me to be happy and to take care of me, she refuses to try offering or just doing anything as an alternative to penetrative sex, and when she does its because she either feels guilty (meaning I brought it up) or its when we can't do it (I'm walking out the door - "Hey, want a BJ?"). She just plays her computer games - she says they help her ignore the pain. She's introverted and hasn't stayed in touch with the few friends she had. Whenever I want to hang out with my friends, they have to come up to our house, because she never wants to go out. Most of my friends are women, and they all try being friendly with her, but she just doesn't seem interested. Whenever I want to go, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't - I either go out without her, and miss having her there - or stay home and be bored. I've tried talking to her about her going back to our therapist, because she needs to work some things out, and she said she doesn't understand the point or what good it would do. I'm scared to bring up going to marriage counseling because I don't know if I can deal with more crying and empty promises of change. What am I going to do?
JamesM Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Google the word.... Fibromyalgia. Does that describe he at all? I know...my wife has it. And when she has alot of pain, it affects her whole outlook on life.
Author thetinman Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 We have seen a rheumatologist who said fibro was a possibility and she tried cymbalta and lexipro with no success. She's tried physical therapy. Not medically related but she always has to be the victim. She assumes that role in everything. If I'm I'll, she's sicker. Not once has she been in any way a caretaker. I know I sound callous, but I'm tired of being the only one compromising.
quankanne Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 don't count out depression, especially if she's been facing chronic acute pain for some time now. when my husband messed up his back and pretty much turned into a growling beast who would go off half-cooked, the doctor told him that the pain was triggering his responses, and that he was suffering depression as a result. He's on a regiment of anti-depressants, and I can tell the difference when he tries to wean himself off of them: He doesn't want to interact with me, he develops a persecution complex, his low libido takes a sharp nose-dive, he's just impossible to be around because he's so damned miserable. maybe it's time to find a doctor who is a pain specialist to help your wife, and the marriage counseling isn't a bad idea, either. It's not about finding cause to blame, but getting the tools needed to get through the rough patches. good luck, kiddo q
JamesM Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 We have seen a rheumatologist who said fibro was a possibility and she tried cymbalta and lexipro with no success. She's tried physical therapy. Try different antidepressants. There are many kinds because each person reacts differently. Has she tried Lyrica, Effexor, Prozac, Celexa, or Welbutrin? Has she tried Ultram for the pain? Trust me, I can tell you many many avenues you can take before you should give up hope. Has she had her thyroid checked? Is she on any thyroid medicine such as synthroid or cytomel? Not medically related but she always has to be the victim. She assumes that role in everything. If I'm I'll, she's sicker. Not once has she been in any way a caretaker. I know I sound callous, but I'm tired of being the only one compromising. I understand...really I do. However, my wife has been a caretaker as well. However, if you live in pain every day all day long, the despair that you can feel is overwhelming. Then you do have it worse than anyone else. Here is what I suggest... Think how you would feel if you left her and the next guy figured out the "cure" for her pain. Think how SHE would feel if YOU figured out the "cure" for her pain. Trust me...she would be grateful. And if you feel this marriage is almost over, then what will it hurt if you try just a couple more things before bailing?
AMAN Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Welcome to marriage and all the hurt and empty promises it entails. I would seriously look at hitting the road. Sympathy is great, but when people stop trying to help themselves, thats a problem and don't forget, you have a lot of years left together, dragging her behind you for all of them is not something that i would be looking foreward to. According to your post, she's still working. Suprising, considering with most women that i've met, this would be the first thing to go.
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Oh, one more thing: Don't listen to advice from bitter people. It's bound to be jaded, hurt, resentful and completely unconstructive. Often, it won't actually address your problem at all, but will instead be a high indicator of that person's own attitude and where they are right now. In need of help and support themselves.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Leaving her might actually be therapeutic. She would then have to deal with the issues. I have a friend who has severe arthritis. I mean pin your hands, pin your feet, screws in your ankles. She has had 2 heart operations. I was in a couples bible study for 18 years with her. I saw her cry once. She lives every moment. We would sometimes get mad at her husband and tell her she should get a maid (which they can completely afford). She told us, if Doug treated her like she was an invalid, it would destroy her. Then we cried. The fact is, your wife has to deal with this. You have to be strong. She is wasting your life and hers. What would happen if you left? She would have to cowboy up and do what millions of people who have disabilities do, survive day to day. If she wanted you back she will have to prove that she will deal with her physical problems differently. You are not a husband anymore you are a nurse, maid, comforter, and what ever else she needs. None of your needs are being met. Do you think that is good for her? Separate until she changes direction. She will be happier and you will be happier.
Athena Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hunkahunkaburninlove -- a fresh perspective, and excellent advice. Thetinman -- well done for finding the alternative treatment which helped your W's bladder problem, perhaps that's why you are so bent of finding treatment for her current joint pain. I hope she doesn't have any more major health problems after this one gets sorted out. You have been patient and understanding with her illness's however, your W sounds depressed. How long has she been coming home and doing nothing but computer games? You should insist on marriage counseling because YOU are not getting YOUR needs met.... and it looks like you are set to continue in this mode unless something major happens to open her eyes/motivate her to change/ cure her pain/ see you as having needs of your own, and her being the one to provide for you. If you cannot even sit her down and honestly tell her about your unmet needs without her crying (she disarms you and shuts you up) you need to go to a professional who will orchestrate the conversations the two of you should be having. Perhaps her having an unbiased professional to help her see your side of unmet needs and her retreating into depressed behavior will be motivation enough to seek help for herself and change her ways. I would set up an apt with a counselor and inform her of the time and date. If she refuses to go, perhaps its time to follow what Hunkahunkaburninlove suggested above, and leave her for a while to fend for herself.
Author thetinman Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Thanks everybody for the input. I told her last night that I wanted us to see our therapist (we have each seen her before alone and liked her, and she understands us already) and she was just like "whatever.". So I am going to make an appointment and see how it goes. I called her older sister and explained everything and she was going to call my wife and talk to her without saying I had called. I think this might give some more insight into what's going on in her head. We'll see. If something doesn't change, we may have to seperate for a while and see if she reAlly wants this to work, or if she will just continue to be the victim. Thanks again and I welcome more input.
Athena Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I think you did the right thing by telling her sister your concerns. Hopefully she will be able to help in some way. And well done to you -- because you take the advice you see fit from the posters who reply to you. Sometimes people ask for help but don't act on anything, and then nothing changes, or else their situation gets worse. It's good to see you doing something. I wish you all the best. Let us know about the appointment with the MC and also how the conversation with the sister goes...
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