LovieDove24 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Any insight on how to deal with my current relationship... I am currently in independent counseling to help me deal with my two alcoholic parents. I believe parental relationships are at the core of how we realte to others as adults, and I wanted to "relearn" the terrible ways I grew up with issues like trust, honesty and love. As a child, no matter how hard I tried to be "perfect," I got scolded for everything and never received recognition. My parents didn't raise me, I raised myself in every sense of the word starting around the age of six. I was abandoned both emotionally and physically my entire life. Before my current bf came along, I was doing SOOO good while single. I started counseling and was attending Al-Anon meetings. I signed up for yoga and was volunteering. I was progressing quickly and making some great changes in my life. When I met him three months ago I was set in my head that a relationship was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted to work on me. But we really hit it off and three months later here I am. I always feel much better when alone than in relationships. When I told my counselor this she said it makes sense since I grew up not being able to rely on anyone. I raised myself, paid for things myself, took on parental responsibilites while other kids were playing ball, and only ever could rely on myself. Thats why currently I only feel strong when alone. I am glad I can say these things about myself, counseling has helped me become very self aware which I believe is the best step towards change. So here is where the problem lies: my current bf knows none of this. I have come off as cool and confident thus far but still feel like a screaming insecure child sometimes. He hasn't seen this side yet and I'm not sure I want him to. I admit, my fear of abandonment come off as very unappealing. As much as I'm working on it, I know it will always rear its ugly head from time to time. So what the hell do I do? I am tempted to say "Hey look it, I've got too many issues to work on and I don't trust anyone with my feelings right now." But then, I will probably have to deal with this my entire life...does this mean I'll forever be single??? What a mess.
movingonandon Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Any insight on how to deal with my current relationship... I am currently in independent counseling to help me deal with my two alcoholic parents. I believe parental relationships are at the core of how we realte to others as adults, and I wanted to "relearn" the terrible ways I grew up with issues like trust, honesty and love. As a child, no matter how hard I tried to be "perfect," I got scolded for everything and never received recognition. My parents didn't raise me, I raised myself in every sense of the word starting around the age of six. I was abandoned both emotionally and physically my entire life. Before my current bf came along, I was doing SOOO good while single. I started counseling and was attending Al-Anon meetings. I signed up for yoga and was volunteering. I was progressing quickly and making some great changes in my life. When I met him three months ago I was set in my head that a relationship was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted to work on me. But we really hit it off and three months later here I am. I always feel much better when alone than in relationships. When I told my counselor this she said it makes sense since I grew up not being able to rely on anyone. I raised myself, paid for things myself, took on parental responsibilites while other kids were playing ball, and only ever could rely on myself. Thats why currently I only feel strong when alone. I am glad I can say these things about myself, counseling has helped me become very self aware which I believe is the best step towards change. So here is where the problem lies: my current bf knows none of this. I have come off as cool and confident thus far but still feel like a screaming insecure child sometimes. He hasn't seen this side yet and I'm not sure I want him to. I admit, my fear of abandonment come off as very unappealing. As much as I'm working on it, I know it will always rear its ugly head from time to time. So what the hell do I do? I am tempted to say "Hey look it, I've got too many issues to work on and I don't trust anyone with my feelings right now." But then, I will probably have to deal with this my entire life...does this mean I'll forever be single??? What a mess. If you're aware of all this, I see no problem with going into relationship. It would have been a problem if you had no idea, or were just vaguely aware. You sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, who grew up with a psycho mother and a distant father, and literally was the adult in the family since about 10. And one of the reasons she's an ex is precisely because she was not aware of the sources of her insecurity, fear of abandonment, etc., so eventually she got it in her head that she could not trust me at all, etc. (This was not the only reason why things fell apart after 5 years, but a big one...)
xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Yes, it's not always easy opening up yourself to people. There will always be the chances of making yourself vulnerable and subjecting yourself to getting hurt in the process. But then again, if you're always so bottled up inside, you will never learn to develop a meaningful relationship with someone because you'll always be overshadowed by your parents. You have to learn to fight your urges to want to break up with your bf. If anything built trust between the two of you so you can be more comfortable around him. Even if you don't want to tell him everything now, you can always tell him " I don't know if you know this, but I have alot of issues, so I hope that I always have your support, because that's how much I want you to mean to me". And if he understands, he would be more than willing to always be by your side and support you.
westrock Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 LovieDove, I have noticed that the people I've known describing your situation all have these two common themes in their lives: As a child, no matter how hard I tried to be "perfect," I got scolded for everything and never received recognition. So here is where the problem lies: my current bf knows none of this. I have come off as cool and confident thus far Here is what I have come to understand what's happening. Maybe you can relate to some to this. As a child, we need and want to be loved, especially by our parents. Some parents instead scold, criticize, and emotionally beat up their kids. This leads to confusion for the child and the child learns that in order to get love the child needs to avoid doing certain behaviors or expressing emotions - eventually we decide these are "bad" things. Usually anything that would not please our parents was considered "bad" and very few things were considered "good". The child then surpresses all those "bad" emotions and focusses on only doing "good" things or expressing "good" emotions. The challenge is that no matter what the child does, almost nothing would please the parents. The child then learns to be "perfect" in a desparate effort to get the love they need and want and then the child tries to control everything in their lives to avoid their parents labelling the action as "bad". Even making decisions becomes a struggle for the child because of the uncertainty how the parents will respond. Pefection, control, and indicision rule the child's life. For some children, being "perfect" becomes too much and they then rebel against the parents. Striving to be "perfect" may work for a while to get love, but when you reach adulthood and try to enter into a romantic relationship you discover that you are unable to maintain control over everything because there are two people in the relationship dynamic. The issue then becomes a struggle to hide from our partner our "bad" emotions in an effort to ensure our partner sees us as "perfect" so that they love us. We also struggle in deciding how to deal with this because of our inability to make a decision. I have realized that the path to resolving this situation starts by realizing that as an adult we have the power to make the following choice: I no longer need to be "perfect" to be loved. Stop trying to live a "perfect" life and instead focus on living a "real" life full of expressing all of your emotions, happy and sad, "good" and "bad". It really is okay to express to your boyfriend what you learned as a child to be "bad" emotions. He would rather have a girlfriend who is "real" than someone who is always "cool and confident". The good news is that you no longer need to surpress all those "bad" emotions, and by simply letting yourself express all of your emotions you will express the "real" you. Showing the "real" you is what it means when we hear people saying "just be yourself". If you do some research there is a lot of material out there discussing this very topic, so there is a lot of hope for those in your situation. I hope that helps.
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 So no one reading this has thought my issues were a legit reason to break up?
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Pefection, control, and indicision rule the child's life. Stop trying to live a "perfect" life and instead focus on living a "real" life full of expressing all of your emotions, happy and sad, "good" and "bad". It really is okay to express to your boyfriend what you learned as a child to be "bad" emotions. He would rather have a girlfriend who is "real" than someone who is always "cool and confident". Oh gosh westrock your words hit something inside of me. Both of these two things I quoted were it. And not to mention, that first sentence describes me in a nutshell. I am gonna chew over these words and come back to it when I have more time to respond. Did you experience similar childhood trauma? Or are you a therapist or something? I'll be back...
kdark Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 It's Erikson's developmental stages. You had problems developing trust in your parents as a child, and now you have problems developing trust in a relationship. No, I don't see it as a reason to break up with your boyfriend. At least tell him about your problem so you can both decide the best course of action.
westrock Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I am gonna chew over these words and come back to it when I have more time to respond. Did you experience similar childhood trauma? Or are you a therapist or something? I'll be back... Any further thoughts LovieDove? No, I am not a therapist.
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