Nomad1 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 So what? Your wife / husband decided to explore a different oasis? You may even have children and a house on the market that may not be selling! No big deal in the grand scheme of your life! This is not a threat! This is an opportunity to aim for new horizons! Be glad you have shed the old skin! Time to embark on a new beginning! Your life is undergoing momentary turbulence! Stop looking back in anger over what has happened. S/he really did you a favour. There is nothing worse than staying in stale relationships! Life is too short and there are are no retakes! Go and have some fun! You deserve it! Every moment spent thinking about what the ex did, is truly a wast of life! Are you saying that you could never find anyone to replace your ex? Nomad1
TrustInYourself Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 So true. Let me share this grain of truth with you. I reconciled with my wife after she moved out for 6 months. I rebuilt myself, because I was broken. In turn, our dynamic in the relationship returned. I did not focus on her actions, I focused on my actions. I did not focus on her feelings, I focused on my feelings. I decided to press forward with my own happiness. She did not return, until I was ready to let go. That is not easy, and it doesn't make sense, but that is truth. It might have been easier to just let go. If you get to this point, something is broken. It may be your spouse, but that is beyond your realm of control. Focus only on what you can do to live life to the absolute fullest. Absolute focus should be on ourselves. On our life. Especially if you have been left behind. Happiness only comes to those who can create it for themselves. Embrace change, because it creates growth and understanding. Marriage is never easy. Evolution and change demand that you change your perspective. Take actions that create love, do not react to destroy love. Be an active participant in building love.
Mountains10 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Wow, both of those posts are so solid. Great motivation! Thank you both, much appreciated.
BusterBrown Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 nomad you are the man! are you a motivational speaker in real life? cuz you would be a good one.
Athalanthas Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 So true. Let me share this grain of truth with you. I reconciled with my wife after she moved out for 6 months. I rebuilt myself, because I was broken. In turn, our dynamic in the relationship returned. I did not focus on her actions, I focused on my actions. I did not focus on her feelings, I focused on my feelings. I decided to press forward with my own happiness. She did not return, until I was ready to let go. That is not easy, and it doesn't make sense, but that is truth. It might have been easier to just let go. If you get to this point, something is broken. It may be your spouse, but that is beyond your realm of control. Focus only on what you can do to live life to the absolute fullest. Absolute focus should be on ourselves. On our life. Especially if you have been left behind. Happiness only comes to those who can create it for themselves. Embrace change, because it creates growth and understanding. Marriage is never easy. Evolution and change demand that you change your perspective. Take actions that create love, do not react to destroy love. Be an active participant in building love. It is nice to hear that things worked out with your wife.... Just wondering, how did you do it? The whole rebuilding yourself thing... I am curious because things right now are just too vague to think straight and feelings are too painful. nomad: thanks for the powerful message. I will put that in my journal so I will see that reminder everyday!
Author Nomad1 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 When people's lives are shattered because the person they chose to share it with bailed, the sense of powerlessness is immense. It is a form of oppression. Friere said the there is a connivence between the oppressor and the oppressed. Meaning that the oppressed allows the oppressor to oppress him/her. A happy life is a life full of challenges. If your financial situation is shaken because of a breakup, aim to double your income in the next 2 - 3 years! Now that is a threat turned into an opportunity. What is required is to harness one's personal resources...inner strength. One thing that worked for me in the face of adversity was to split myself into 'I' and 'me'. The 'I' is about my total being, the intellectual, rational etc. The me is a sub component of the I. The 'me' can easily succumb to emotions, anger, fear, jealousy, self-consciousness. The I knows better. It sees the me as too self-centered to put things in perspective. It keeps the me in check and orients it into a more beneficial, fulfilling direction. The I channels the energy that comes from the anger into constructive outcomes. It uses anger as a catalyst for change. Forgive the waffling, it is my own twist on psychoanalytic theory, but it has worked for me. The moral is, don't just say look after your self-interest...live it! Don't allow the circumstances to push you into settling for new alternatives, eg finding the next willing partner, be choosy, wait it out! Don't give second chances to people who abused your trust, they are not worthy of any! Man up! You are the man! Nomad1
peteyj Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I think the advice is great but making a goal to double your income in the next 2 years might suddenly put you in a lot worse situation than you are now if it doesn't happen. Most of the people I knew growing up, including my parents, and most of the people I know to this day never really doubled their income their entire lives, yet alone in 2-3 years. Yeah a college kid who makes $12/Hr straight out of school might be able to double their income in a few years....But a 30 year old who already makes six figures and isn't a sales person is going to have a hard time figuring a way to go from $150K to $300K per year. And especially in an economy like the one now..making a goal to double your income in 2 years just so you can move on from the hurt of a broken marriage is setting yourself up for disaster. If you already make decent money...six figure money....and you're not a salesperson...it's going to be very hard to double your income in 2 years...Even if you start your own business, it might take a few years just to generate significant revenue. Yeah some people do it but I wouldn't go setting unrealistic goals that are bound to make you more depressed.. Because if I said I want to make over $300K per year by 2011.....no matter how hard I worked or learned I honestly do not see any possible way to make that kind of money per year in two years.. It's just not realistic. When you work for somebody else, you're not going to double your income... Heck this year most people might not even get a raise, yet alone more income... I think it's great to find other avenues but setting unrealistic goals for most people is just going to make matters worse if in two years you fail to achieve it and now after two years of hard work and determination you not only have to deal with all the pushed aside broken marriage issues but now you have 2 years of hard work that didn't come close to achieving your goal.
Author Nomad1 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Hi Peteyj If you are making $150K, which I am assuming would convert into £80K, then it would be difficult to achieve such goal, and you might not need to anyway. I work in the public sector and make slightly less, but I know I can, perhaps not exactly double my income, but get close to that. It is not really about the money, although money allows more comfortable living...It is about achieving one's fullest potential...that is if you are interested in that. When you are married, you have two salaries and can afford a comfortable living. In order to keep that standard of living, one has to maximise the earning capacity. It doesn't matter if you increase your income by 30% or 50% (is this more realistic?). Take care Nomad1
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Nomad, I like your message. It's about taking back your life and taking charge of it, in whatever way that makes sense to you. Success in whatever way you want to define it, is a good way to replenish self-esteem. And no one can deny that having financial freedom, adds to your happiness quotient. But...if it makes you unhappy to drive yourself within your career, then look to other ways to succeed. For some people, an impossible challenge gets their adrenaline going. For others, they roll over and give up. Make a decision which type of person you are and then set your goals accordingly!
peteyj Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I understand what you're saying but I was in a marriage and there was only one income..Yeah if you count my soon to be ex-wives $7K a year as extra income a couple of years then I guess it's double income.....No most of my marriage was me making the money, so whatever we could afford depended on what I made. What's going to suck is I'll be making less money after the divorce goes final So far there is no spousal support, but who knows that might change..Plus the fact I'll have to file as Single which means I'll be in a higher tax bracket and at the end of the year I get less deductions. So essentially I'll be making a lot less money per month single than I would have married.. My wife never really worked so my income was what we had. When I'm single it'll still be the same amount I made when married, except I'll be taking a hell of a lot less home with me. So for people who have two incomes coming in, then yeah maybe they will make more when they are single again. But for me, I'm looking at making close to $1K less per month because I'm no longer married and I guarantee I"m not getting that big a raise during performance review. So for me divorce is going to suck income wise.
NYCmitch25 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 So what? Your wife / husband decided to explore a different oasis? You may even have children and a house on the market that may not be selling! No big deal in the grand scheme of your life! This is not a threat! This is an opportunity to aim for new horizons! Be glad you have shed the old skin! Time to embark on a new beginning! Your life is undergoing momentary turbulence! Stop looking back in anger over what has happened. S/he really did you a favour. There is nothing worse than staying in stale relationships! Life is too short and there are are no retakes! Go and have some fun! You deserve it! Every moment spent thinking about what the ex did, is truly a wast of life! Are you saying that you could never find anyone to replace your ex? Nomad1 As much as there is some truth in moving on, Carpe Dem, and all that jazz -- this is an over simplistic assertion which assumes the right attitude will cure all. Certainly this is the right kick in the ass for some people but other people need much more or they'll find themselves miserable in their new relationships ...
mendsley Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 It is strange to me that most people here come to find some guidance because something they have done or have been trying to do is NOT working and when there is some positive advice to help overcome what plagues 90% of the people here, which is low-self esteem, they seem to find a path of avoidance. I really appreciate Nomad1's advice because I can look at it in a broader vision. Maybe income is something that is unrealistic for most of us but, why not set a goal to lose weight, or explore a country in which you have always been wanting to visit, or even volunteer at a childrens cancer ward to put in perstective how someone who has never experienced life and has so much to look foward too can only think about the involuntary fate that ultimately awaits them. I look at my problem, wife left me for another guy. I have had a hard time realizing that I cannot control that decision because it was her decision, but I am realizing that my fate is controllable by the paths I choose when I am at the fork in the road. I never thought about things when at that fork but now maybe it is time to step back and contiplate the end result of each path to the best of my ability. So any advice that is giving should be looked at very closely and not judged but rather contiplated so you can use it when you have to make that choice. I guess what I am trying to get out of all this rambling is I have my problems and I am looking for ways to resolve them and a booster like this is needed in the low points of this emotional rollercoaster most of us are faced with, so thanks Nomad1
learner911 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Don't give second chances to people who abused your trust, they are not worthy of any! Man up! You are the man! Nomad1 Good post. This is the thought that is carrying me through everything and it makes it easier. I respect myself to much to let some one else trample all over me. I still think about the soon to be ex, what I could have done, what could have been, etc... but I feel betrayed and I don't let people who betray me back into my life - she's out forever. It's a lot like quiting smoking. You come to a point where you say never again and you mean it. After that all the cravings goes or leaves you and you finally quit. (The difficult times still come but your resolve squashes it out quickly)
Sands_of_time Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Good post. This is the thought that is carrying me through everything and it makes it easier. I respect myself to much to let some one else trample all over me. I still think about the soon to be ex, what I could have done, what could have been, etc... but I feel betrayed and I don't let people who betray me back into my life - she's out forever. It's a lot like quiting smoking. You come to a point where you say never again and you mean it. After that all the cravings goes or leaves you and you finally quit. (The difficult times still come but your resolve squashes it out quickly) I'll second that Learner!! I've been through both the smoking thing and the cheating thing too and you are right...there comes a point where you don't go back/look back. I didn't know it then but I hit my point of no return for my cheating spouse on December 11, 2008--38 days after D-Day. It took 90 days for my point of no return on the smoking thing....WAS VERY DIFFICULT to quit.
BusterBrown Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Wish my resolve was that good. I was smoke-free for 3 years and when she left I was so stressed out I lit up. Now she's gone but the cigs still aren't. I'm working on that though. It's weird. I quit a couple months after we got married. Not because of her but because I wanted to. Matter of fact she still smokes. I'm wondering if it's some kind of psychological thing in my head that when she left I reverted back to the old me without consciously knowing that was what I was doing.
Author Nomad1 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 It is not so much the situation, it is how we perceive it and that is what distinguishes people who are in control of themselves and their destiny, and those who are not. Whenever the demons of anger, resentment and hatered rear their ugly heads, reach for the power inside you, regain control! Those demons will use all strategies to make you lose control! Don't let them! You feel more powerful when you overcome. On the contrary, aim to excel at whatever you do, career, study, health, parenting. The demons must not be allowed to win! Cease control of your life and live it to the full! Nomad1
peteyj Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It is strange to me that most people here come to find some guidance because something they have done or have been trying to do is NOT working and when there is some positive advice to help overcome what plagues 90% of the people here, which is low-self esteem, they seem to find a path of avoidance. I really appreciate Nomad1's advice because I can look at it in a broader vision. Maybe income is something that is unrealistic for most of us but, why not set a goal to lose weight, or explore a country in which you have always been wanting to visit, or even volunteer at a childrens cancer ward to put in perstective how someone who has never experienced life and has so much to look foward too can only think about the involuntary fate that ultimately awaits them. I look at my problem, wife left me for another guy. I have had a hard time realizing that I cannot control that decision because it was her decision, but I am realizing that my fate is controllable by the paths I choose when I am at the fork in the road. I never thought about things when at that fork but now maybe it is time to step back and contiplate the end result of each path to the best of my ability. So any advice that is giving should be looked at very closely and not judged but rather contiplated so you can use it when you have to make that choice. I guess what I am trying to get out of all this rambling is I have my problems and I am looking for ways to resolve them and a booster like this is needed in the low points of this emotional rollercoaster most of us are faced with, so thanks Nomad1 For me it's not about self esteem or money or finding new hobbies or traveling the world...Yeah my wife was a wh*** and did what she did but there were many things I can learn from this experience. I was a husband who worked 100 hours a week, who spent a lot of hours working on side projects and hobbies over the years.. I've been a workaholic at times for many many years... I go to the gym 6 days a week, I eat healthy, I have no problem going up to random people and starting conversations. I give presentations at work and to other CEOs and VPs. I'm starting a new company with one of my co-workers in the next six months. Right now I"m also building a new department at the company I work for. Yeah I did a lot of this because my soon to be ex wife rarely worked, which meant she rarely brought in any income. So if I wasn't bringing in any money, we had no money. But then again I worked 100 hours a week long before I met my soon to be ex wife. So finding new hobbies and spending more time at work or at the gym will do what for me? Send me down the same path I'm already in? I have lots of issues to resolve but at the end of the day the reality is my soon to be ex wife is losing a great person, a great lover, a great husband, a great friend, and somebody who gives without expecting anything in return.......At this point I don't see myself losing anything by losing her.. The only thing I'm really losing is a friend but right now I don't consider her a real friend anymore. Yeah I need to change some things and become a better person but at the end of the day I'm not worried how I feel. Nobody can make me feel bad or good as a person. People don't have that power to control me...Yeah I might get sad and depressed and angry for what happened to my marriage but it's not going to change what I think of myself... Some days might be harder than others but in the end I know who I am and I can look in the mirror and go to sleep at night knowing she's the one who lost somebody special, not the other way around.
mendsley Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Sounds like things are going pretty decent for you petey, keep up the good work Change is hard for me to accept because I have this thought that, why should I have to change? Do I have to change because my wife left me and that means I have something wrong with me? What if I don't change? Is there someone who will like the way I am right now? It sucks when something like this happens to us because we seem to think it is us that had the problem. Improvement is good for everyone because it gives us a goal and a goal equals to hope. This crap makes me think way too much, I go one direction one day than back the other the next while she sits back contiplating her next move that will get her into a position that will make her not face adversity. I think right now my goal is to do things that will keep my mind in a shallow thought, those deep thoughts always lead to depression. One word of advice for some of you, Saturday I thought I would get a little tipsy while watching the UFC fight and the next two days had me so depressed it was like I relived the day I found out she was having an affair, very bad! SO DON'T DRINK IF YOU ARE A LITTLE DEPRESSED MIKE
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