How often is too often to for boyfriend to go to strip club? Long post, sorry.

January 16, 2009

I see that in some responses to posts on boyfriends going to the strip club, people respond that it's not a problem unless he goes too often.

What do you consider too often? Everyday day would obviously fall under that category, but how about once a week with his buddies? One Friday out of every month? Four times a year? Once a year?

Basically wondering whether people would consider that my boyfriend of six years goes too often. He's been going about once a month after work on Fridays with his male co-workers (he says they never plan to go there, it's just where they end up by the end of the night). This started up since we've moved to a bigger city where they have strip clubs (so about 6 months, which was his first time ever going to a strip club-he's 24 by the way). I don't like him going, mostly because he seems to get lap dances every time, he is spending money on other women when he doesn't spend a dime on me, he comes home between 2-4 in the morning smelling like stripper perfume and the clothes have to immediately be thrown in to the wash to keep our home from stinking (which he is too drunk to do), and he doesn't call me on these Fridays to let me know where he is, so if he's not home by midnight on any given Friday I can assume he's at a strip club. But he continues to go anyways regardless of how upset it makes me and I think that as I have stated that I don't like him going, that him ever going is too often.

But I'm curious as to what everyone else thinks. I have a feeling most responses will say it's just him having a good time/bonding with his buddies, and chalk it up to guys being guys, because guys just like to look at "different" tits every once in a while while having a good time with friends. Right?

January 16, 2009

There's a horde of LS threads on visiting strip clubs while in relationships -- do a search.

It's a issue for him if it's taking precedence over his relationship, work or finances. Unless he's unemployed because he can't stay away from the clubs, mired in debt or withdrawing from you, I don't really see that he has a problem.

It is an issue for you if he is aware that you're upset about this (actually telling him how you feel) but continues to go and get plastered. This isn't about money or some (subjective) judgment of strip clubs, but how your views and his aren't compatible in a relationship.

January 16, 2009

I don't like him going, mostly because he seems to get lap dances every time, he is spending money on other women when he doesn't spend a dime on me, he comes home between 2-4 in the morning smelling like stripper perfume and the clothes have to immediately be thrown in to the wash to keep our home from stinking (which he is too drunk to do), and he doesn't call me on these Fridays to let me know where he is, so if he's not home by midnight on any given Friday I can assume he's at a strip club. But he continues to go anyways regardless of how upset it makes me and I think that as I have stated that I don't like him going, that him ever going is too often.

You've answered your own question. If it is once and you do not like him going, then he is going too often. End of story.

Now my guess is that he turns this on you and says you are jealous and you shouldn't control his life.

And as a guy, I can say two things....

1. That is an excuse that is full of Bullsh*t.

2. If he loves you, then his goal will be to make you happy. While I understand his concern about being controlled by you, his visiting strippers and having foreplay with them is "soft" cheating. It is one step short of intercourse and even he would consider that cheating.

I think if thinks that this is okay for him, then he should allow you to go out and perform lap dances on his friends laps. Or you could find some guys at a bar and do lap dances.

And my guess is that his response would be one of indignation and anger.

Hypocritical.

He has to decide which is more important...strippers or you.

January 16, 2009

He has to decide which is more important...strippers or you.

He obviously doesn't have to make this choice. He's doing what he wants and she's still there 6 years in? I really doubt he has to give it a second thought. Many women will choose to put up with an exciting bad boy rather than endure a boring sweetheart. They love to complain but in the end can't live without constant drama and the attention it affords them.

January 17, 2009

IMO, a lap dance is a cheat. What other scenario in our society is it acceptable for a woman to be rubbing her intimate body parts on a stranger? If you've expressed your unhappiness with him going to the strip clubs and getting lap dances and having the strippers hang on him (as you can smell them on his clothes), he's cheating on you.

January 17, 2009

IMO, a lap dance is a cheat.

Well it's only cheating if he hides it I guess, I mean if he's in the open about it is it cheating really?

January 17, 2009

You've answered your own question. If it is once and you do not like him going, then he is going too often. End of story.

Exacly. EXACTLY!

Now my guess is that he turns this on you and says you are jealous and you shouldn't control his life.

Typical. As well as "I can't believe you don't trust me!" Just another way to try turn it around so that it is your problem and you are in the wrong.

And as a guy, I can say two things....
1. That is an excuse that is full of Bullsh*t.
2. If he loves you, then his goal will be to make you happy. While I understand his concern about being controlled by you, his visiting strippers and having foreplay with them is "soft" cheating. It is one step short of intercourse and even he would consider that cheating.

Absolutely true as well. I second all of this!

I think if thinks that this is okay for him, then he should allow you to go out and perform lap dances on his friends laps. Or you could find some guys at a bar and do lap dances.

Fantastic suggestion! LOL I have had conversations like this with friends of mine -- and boyfriends when they tried to pull this crap with me.

In my relationship I have subscribed to the first sentence of this post. If they went knowing I was opposed it was over beteen us. To me that is a blatant disregard to my feelings and reason enough for me to show them the door.

And my guess is that his response would be one of indignation and anger.

Hypocritical.

You can bet your life he would NOT be okay with you grinding up on men. Yes completely hypocritical. And OP it is up to you to lay down the law.

Strippers or me but be willing to walk if he keeps making inappropriate choices in this area.

As an aside:

JamesM -- I love you!!!!!!!! I love how candid you are in your posts. I believe you really really help women here who are confused about the male perspective.

January 17, 2009

Fantastic suggestion! LOL I have had conversations like this with friends of mine -- and boyfriends when they tried to pull this crap with me.

Ya that's just great, he's a prick so she's gonna teach him by becoming a whore. Genius! Maybe she can show him what she thinks of his alcohol problem by taking up heroin.

January 18, 2009

Ya that's just great, he's a prick so she's gonna teach him by becoming a whore. Genius! Maybe she can show him what she thinks of his alcohol problem by taking up heroin.

I hardly think a discussion about how he would feel if she did give lap dances to his friends makes anyone a whore.

In fact even if she WAS giving men lap dances she would not be a whore.

Perhaps you need to re-read the definition of that particular word.

BTW likening heroin to alcohol is ridiculous. Your attempt at a quip fell far short I'm afraid.

January 18, 2009

I hardly think a discussion about how he would feel if she did give lap dances to his friends makes anyone a whore.

I think if thinks that this is okay for him, then he should allow you to go out and perform lap dances on his friends laps. Or you could find some guys at a bar and do lap dances.

My god, it's just a few posts up - scroll up and read it.

January 18, 2009

As an aside:
JamesM -- I love you!!!!!!!! I love how candid you are in your posts. I believe you really really help women here who are confused about the male perspective.

Thank you.

Ya that's just great, he's a prick so she's gonna teach him by becoming a whore. Genius! Maybe she can show him what she thinks of his alcohol problem by taking up heroin.

I think you missed the point. It is more of a bluff. Guys like to justify such behavior but when it is suggested that their GF or wife take up stripping or lap dances, they become possessive and angry.

Why? Because they know what feelings are aroused in them.

On one hand, many guys like to say that strip clubs are just another night out with the guys, and the girls are just innocent entertainment. Yet if their GF suggests she take up such "innocent entertainment" as a way to pay bills, the same guys call such actions by her...."cheating."

As a matter of fact, your own post indicates this double standard. The guy is simply a prick while the woman is a whore. Both are engaging in the same activity...the difference is one pays while the other gets paid. So, if she is a whore, he is a whore monger...not just a prick.

Again, hypocritical.

January 19, 2009

Thank you.
I think you missed the point. It is more of a bluff. Guys like to justify such behavior but when it is suggested that their GF or wife take up stripping or lap dances, they become possessive and angry.

Why? Because they know what feelings are aroused in them.

On one hand, many guys like to say that strip clubs are just another night out with the guys, and the girls are just innocent entertainment. Yet if their GF suggests she take up such "innocent entertainment" as a way to pay bills, the same guys call such actions by her...."cheating."

Thank you, James! It's reassuring to hear this from a man.

My h used the "entertainment" rationale for about 5 minutes when we went through our strip club fallout hell. I pointed out that watching Cirque de Soleil is entertainment. Listening to Feist sing live is entertainment. Having some random chick wave her naked tits in your face for money is a sexual business transaction, paid foreplay, not "entertainment". In my book it's cheating, and the first cousin of renting a hooker.

And it is very true that the only corollary for a man getting a dance is his woman giving someone else a dance. I would get zero pleasure/excitement from having some greased up male stripper waving his goods in my face. So, of course, my h wouldn't mind all that much if I went and did that. Because it would be at best, funny, at worst, gross and intimidating.

But if I decided to entertain a few men by dancing naked in front of them (just them, table dance just like my h got), well, I don't think he'd be all that pleased. Although after what he's done ... well, I wouldn't do it for my own reasons, but he really shouldn't have too much to say about it if I did. That would be hypocritical.

Wow, I'm still a little pissed and it's been 2 years! When is this going to go away?

January 19, 2009

I think if thinks that this is okay for him, then he should allow you to go out and perform lap dances on his friends laps. Or you could find some guys at a bar and do lap dances.

This is a terrible analogy.

More accurate would be for her to ask if she can go to a male strip club and buy a lap-dance. If he has a problem with that, then he's a hypocrite.

January 19, 2009

This is a terrible analogy.

More accurate would be for her to ask if she can go to a male strip club and buy a lap-dance. If he has a problem with that, then he's a hypocrite.

You have your opinion, but I disagree. I know what you are saying and I do agree that if she went to a males stripper club and he had a problem, then he would be a hypocrite.

But why I say the other analogy works is because he says that there is nothing personal or intimate with the strippers from his viewpoint. And it is just entertainment. And if guy simply watches the strippers dance with no interactions, then one could say that this argument works.

However, if a MM or BF "purchases" lap dances, then we need to ask what benefits he gets from them. And if he gets no sexual pleasures from them, then why is he paying $20 or more for a few minutes "dancing" with a woman besides his partner.

And if he gets sexual pleasure from this woman, then we need to ask why? And if it simply entertainment and nothing more...and hence not cheating, then perhaps he would have no problem if his wife decided to earn a little extra cash engaging other men in such activities as a way to earn the household some extra money.

If a man declares that lap dances are nothing personal against his partner, then he should be agreeable if his partner wants to earn money giving lap dances.

Eating food alone at a restaurant is relaxing and entertainment. My wife is welcome to be a waitress or a cook. Engaging a lap dancer at a strip club is relaxing and entertainment. Shouldn't then my wife or GF be welcome to be a stripper or lapdancer?

The point is that while men love to use these arguments as justification for cheating via strip clubs, it is a weak argument at best.

January 19, 2009

As a matter of fact, your own post indicates this double standard. The guy is simply a prick while the woman is a whore.

Speak for yourself, I don't find a whore particularly reprehensible if her whoring isn't breaking any laws.

January 19, 2009

Speak for yourself, I don't find a whore particularly reprehensible if her whoring isn't breaking any laws.

Did I say a whore was "reprehensible?" So a prick is worse than a whore? Good to get that clear. And no, I am NOT saying that strippers or escorts (better name) are somehow less of women. Fact is...they simply are finding a good way (in their eyes) to make alot of money.

The "stupid" ones are the men who fork over so much cash for so little. And speaking of reprehensible, the MM or the committed men are the ones who are reprehensible...saying that they are faithful to their woman yet paying other women for sexual pleasure.

My point is that you are not comparing apples to oranges. If the woman is a whore, then the man is a whoremonger.

As for breaking laws, assuming we are in the US (outside of Nevada), then "whoring" is breaking laws.

January 19, 2009

Completely ignore the whole whore sub-plot that seems to have developed, OP, James is right. If you're not comfortable with it, then once is too often.

I've been with girls who didn't want me to go at all, and I've been with girls who only got mad when I wouldn't take them with me. In all cases, I respected their wishes. Now, by the time I was your boyfriend's age, I had pretty much outgrown the whole strip-club fascination, but I also had an earlier start - the local strip club was one of the few places that didn't card me (I looked older as a teen), so I was in there drinking at 16. Of course, at that age, it was paradise. Underage drinking and hot, naked women, all under one roof. It was teenage nirvana.

Of course, as I got older, I questioned it. Why the heck am I paying $6 for a bottle of beer while checking out women I'll never get close to? If I want to do that, I can go to any other bar on this Earth and pay half that.

You say that you don't like him going, but have you told him that, or are you just saying that to us? Remember, us guys aren't too good with hints, so no matter how obvious any hints you think you've given are, they aren't obvious enough. On the other hand, if you have told him, then you have to question why he doesn't respect your wishes. This isn't a major request; it's not like you're asking him to give up his car or quit his job for you. You're not even asking him to quit going out to bars. If he still wants male bonding, there are plenty of other bars out there, and they all have cute waitresses for the guys to check out. They just don't get naked or smell like baby powder.

As to his laundry, since it sounds like you plan to continue doing his laundry, get a hamper with a lid. Better yet, get one of those big bins people use to put dirty diapers in, the ones with the airtight lids. Then leave it until the regular wash day. Wash his stuff separate from (and after) yours. This accomplishes two things. First, even after the wash, there'll still be some of that smell. Now he has to go to work smelling like stripper, and since it'll permeate into his other clothes, it won't matter what he wears. Second, it shows him that you're not going to jump through hoops for him any more. Plus, as a bonus, finding his dirty clothes in a dirty diaper bin will be a bit of an insult - it might just wake him up.

January 19, 2009

What do you consider too often?

I would consider even “once” to be too often if I were in a serious, committed relationship. If it were someone I was just casually dating, and he frequented these places, it would be a HUGE red flag that sent me running in the opposite direction. No questions asked or explanations given. Not up for ridiculous gender debates on the finer points of what constitutes legal cheating. That thin layer of cotton between two crotches hardly represents any sort of moral or ethical relationship boundary. And I don’t care whether your “hump” was paid for her sexual services or not.

But each person views this issue differently. I agree, most guys are very hypocritical when it comes to defending this sort of behavior. Many would feel and act differently if it were their wives, girlfriends or daughters providing the public entertainment for all their buddies and horny strangers. For me --- I would never hurt my partner’s feelings by looking to another guy for sexual entertainment or attention, and so I feel absolutely justified to expect the same consideration from my partner in return.

Serious relationships are for grown-ups, not for those who still want to fly solo and behave as if they’re single on the weekends. At least, not if you expect your current relationship or marriage to last.

Basically wondering whether people would consider that my boyfriend of six years goes too often. He's been going about once a month after work on Fridays with his male co-workers (he says they never plan to go there, it's just where they end up by the end of the night).

It’s completely your call as to whether or not you can come to accept this new trend in your relationship. Personally, I prefer grown men who can think and act for themselves and don’t much fancy boys who are so easily influenced by their peers. Posturing is akin to ‘frat boy’ behavior... to me. But I’m also a bit older, more settled in my ways, and finally confident enough in my own opinions and feelings to trust them. Especially when it comes to the things I can or can’t tolerate from a relationship partner.

You should be, too.

If and when you reach the point where “enough is enough” .... Remember, there are plenty of guys out there who won’t try to sell you this crap. As a matter of fact, there are more men who don’t frequent these places than do. You’re simply dating one that’s among the minority.

January 19, 2009

My point is that you are not comparing apples to oranges.

Correct, I'm comparing apples to apples, thanks very much.

January 19, 2009

I see that in some responses to posts on boyfriends going to the strip club, people respond that it's not a problem unless he goes too often.

What do you consider too often?

once................

January 19, 2009

Correct, I'm comparing apples to apples, thanks very much.

Caught me in my error.

As you might know, I included the word "not" accidentally.

But I guess many have made the point well. Going to a strip club without the approval of one's partner is cheating.

January 19, 2009

Going to a strip club without the approval of one's partner is cheating.

No kidding? You're telling me this why?

January 19, 2009

if someone is in love with you, I honestly dont see that they would want or feel the need to want to go to a stripclub.

This is coming from a 24 yr old point of males view.

January 19, 2009

if someone is in love with you, I honestly dont see that they would want or feel the need to want to go to a stripclub.

One girl I dated a while back used to take me out to strip clubs and buy lap dances for me. Too crazy for me, but who knows want sort of things go on, I'm not gonna judge. The issues isn't the specific act it's the disapproval of the partner and lack of respect for his or her feelings that is the issue.

January 19, 2009

i just cant see disrespecting my SO for a quick, lust.

I wouldnt want her doing it to me.

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How often is too often to for boyfriend to go to strip club? Long post, sorry.

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