Jmina Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Hello beautiful love shack. It's been ages since i posted. I hope some of you remember me It's been a year and a half since my ex and i broke up. It feels like so long ago. My ex feels like a distant memory, someone who just kind of disapeared. like a death. Nightmare was an understatement. God it was just so hard. I have done a lot of letting go and a lot of time has been spent focusing on myself. It's been great. Of course there have been a lot of tears and questions, pain and memories floating around over the past year and a half, more so the first half. Some anger and frustration that she hasnt contact too but these days mostly for the past 8 or so months I have been feeling very good. I have new dreams and goals that i am so excited about. I have a life planned and i have achieved things which have made me more courageous and confident. My breakup experience was hell. I was in physical pain because the emotional pain was so hard. I think the harder a break up is to handle, the more work you have to do on yourself. The more things you have to gain. The more creating you have to do. I havnt spoken to my ex for a year. We have both desperately needed time apart to develop a life without each other and try and discover what we really are searching for. I hear about my ex and know that we are both doing really well, and are moving foward all the time. I dont think enough has changed for us to meet again. There needs to be experiences that reassures us things would be okay if we were to meet again and i dont think its happened yet. I think if we were to be friends now it would be confusing and messy. basically a headf*** In the past 3 months my ex has been in contact with my 2 best friends. I've found this to make my heart ache a bit. I find myself thinking of my ex when i watch a movie about lovers, or when someone talks about their situation with their ex's. I still can't shake that last little bit of hope. I guess because i truly feel and believe there will be some sort of reconciliation. not for a relationship. I dont even consider her as a romantic option anymore. Its her as a person, as a friend and fellow spirit i find myself thinking about. I'm in between my goals at the moment, and i think once i get there i will have a different perspective on this - ill be more focused on me and what i want for myself. (im wanting to travel and progress in my study and career also in my personal life such as hobbies, health and sport i have goals aswell) i'm really excited about these things and they really keep the focus on myself and in the present rather than thinking of the past - which is rare and anticipating the future - more than often i lean that way. How we would meet up again, what it would be like, what would happen after, how i would feel about it, if its what i really want, etc. I sent my ex a text on new years eve just a simple "have a safe and happy new years =)" I was half heartedly hoping for a reply but i havnt lost sleep over it. Ive been fairly nonchalant about it. when i sent the text my ex was over seas without her phone so i knew she wouldnt get it and so sending it and knowing shed actually read it felt a bit surreal - my perspective was that i didnt have anything to loose either, so i did it. Which amazes me because i went a whole year NC and promised myself i would never initiate contact. Now shes just back from overseas and there is no reply. I feel a bit bummed and Frustrated. I want to let that last bit go. the bit thats saying we will meet again and be friends - the bit that if it is meant to happen it will. the way its meant to be. Then i think How can anyone ever be friends when there has been SOOOO much anticipation for it, sleepless nights over it, obsessions about it, tears and attachment. It doesnt seem right. maybe one day. There is something that is locked up inside me, that i think will be released if she is kind to me, if she likes me, if she cares for me like she used to. i still ache. Thankyou for reading this far, and i really would like you to offer anything you can. theres growing to be done Jmina x
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