Dazzel Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Kind of a long post here....I am not sure if I have the right forum for this, but hopefully this is okay. Let me start out with a brief little introduction. I'm a 21 year old female who is still somewhat new to the world of dating. I've only had two steadies and am inexperienced and unsure of general things in dating and sex. Well, there is a guy at work I've had a crush on since about May. I finally asked him out in November, and to my happiness, he agreed to try it. He's 24 and I know he's never had a girlfriend before. This kinda scares me. I tend to be a very negative thinker, and believe that everything good that happens to me must come at a price or will end eventually. They say first relationships never last, and this has been true for me and I am afraid I am just going to be the ice breaker for him. He's very shy and introverted, but a total cutie and is soooo nice and sweet. I'm scared that he'll realize he can get female attention after all, gain confidence and decide to dump me for someone better. I've never liked someone as much as I like him. He is constantly on my mind and I find myself liking every little detail about him. At this point, I don't think it's infatuation. I think I could seriously fall for this guy. And I'm rather afraid to do this, because I feel I will get screwed over. With my other relationships, I was the one who ended them. The first guy I dated I really liked, but he was verbally abusive and I couldn't take it anymore after 9 months of it. The other one I was with only lasted two months, but I just couldn't find anything attractive about him. But this time....wow. I really, really like this guy. I feel like I must be negative because this is certainly too good to be true. I was so infatuated with him at first because of his looks. I knew nothing about him when I asked him out. But as I started to talk to him, I find out he is just as wonderful inside as out. His parents work at the same place as us. I talked to his mom one night, and she said he really, really likes me. That made me feel so wonderful, but I get scared this won't last. I feel as though I am not good enough for him. And I'm his first girlfriend.....so therefore, it probably won't last, right? One issue I have with myself is my weight. Yes, I know I need to lose it. That's what everyone says. That's what my family says, as well as some friends and acquaintances. Though it's not always easy. I suffer with depression, and sometimes I have bad self control and I binge eat when I'm down. I hate myself for having eaten myself into such a state. I'd be so much happier if I could drop about 50 pounds, but somehow I can't motivate myself to do it. It's easier said than done. Saying this, I'd like to believe I won't be this way for life. But for now....for the time being, I'd like to believe my guy is okay with me. I often wonder how disappointed he'll be if we decide to have sex in the future. Will my body repulse him? Will he want to throw up? Will he not be able to get in the mood? I find him so attractive in every way, and I wonder what he sees in someone as ugly as myself. We've been going out since the middle of November and we still haven't kissed or even held hands. I'm too scared to make a move. His mom told me that I'll have to make all the first moves. He's very shy. But I wonder if he'd really want to kiss a fatty like me. I want to do it so bad but I don't want to scare him off. My dad says of course he probably wants to do it,and my mom too....why else would he be with me? I was wondering if anyone else has or had feelings like these? Miserly loves company. Care to share about your experiences with being overweight?
Geishawhelk Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 ONE: Go for some counselling sessions for self-esteem. Consider hypnosis, either the self-kind or with a certified bona-fide hypnotherapist. TWO: Go NC. And tell him mom it's for his own good,. If he really does want to go out with you and take it up a notch, he'll have to make the next move. You're doing this for his own good. You think the world of him, and would love to go out with him, but he has to 'man up' a bit, and grow a couple. Tell her you intend to start a regimented weight programme, and attend a gym. Or get a dog. And walk. A lot. I lost a stone by getting off the bus two stops earlier.
Author Dazzel Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 ONE: Go for some counselling sessions for self-esteem. Consider hypnosis, either the self-kind or with a certified bona-fide hypnotherapist. TWO: Go NC. And tell him mom it's for his own good,. If he really does want to go out with you and take it up a notch, he'll have to make the next move. You're doing this for his own good. You think the world of him, and would love to go out with him, but he has to 'man up' a bit, and grow a couple. Tell her you intend to start a regimented weight programme, and attend a gym. Or get a dog. And walk. A lot. I lost a stone by getting off the bus two stops earlier. I have been to counselors in the past and she helped somewhat, but not totally. What do you mean by NC? Sorry for the silly question. And I know what you mean. I like him as he is, but I wish he'd get a little more braver. I had to bring up the idea of kissing and holding hands with him last night on the phone. Hopefully he'll start to get a little braver after this. He is starting to say some more boyfriend-like things to me, which is a great progress considering his personality. Regarding my weight, I HAVE lost before. The summer of 2007 I lost 30 pounds with a diet pill. It was great for some short term results,but in the long run I gained it back because the pill causes your body to starve and I couldn't control myself. It's like it's a vicious circle. I get depressed because I'm fat, and then I want to eat because I am depressed. I also think that if I do lose weight, I'll gain it back and my efforts will be wasted, since this did happen already. I still have 20 pounds off from when I lost, which is pretty good I guess. Though for now, I'd like to think he's okay. I feel like I must accept myself right now as I am for anyone to like me. I know as long as I stay this big I will never like myself, though I wish I could make a temporary pact with myself. I'm scared to let my guy touch me or even kiss me, like it will dirty him. Yes, I am messed up. But thanks for the imput. I appreciate it!
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I have been to counselors in the past and she helped somewhat, but not totally. Counsellors aren't supposed to help. Counsellors are supposed to counsel. You're supposed to do the work. The main reason they didn't work is either because they were lousy at their job - or you didn't step up to the plate and acknowlege, accept, surrender, and move on. Or possibly, both. Be honest now..... What do you mean by NC? Sorry for the silly question. NO CONTACT. And I know what you mean. I like him as he is, but I wish he'd get a little more braver. I had to bring up the idea of kissing and holding hands with him last night on the phone. Hopefully he'll start to get a little braver after this. He is starting to say some more boyfriend-like things to me, which is a great progress considering his personality. About time! Who knows, at this rate, you'll get the proposal in 2030....He really doesn't merit having this much allowance made for him..... Regarding my weight, I HAVE lost before. The summer of 2007 I lost 30 pounds with a diet pill. It was great for some short term results,but in the long run I gained it back because the pill causes your body to starve and I couldn't control myself. Short-cuts never work.... The main reason we get fat is because the front hole up North is bigger than the back hole down South. And we put the wrong stuff into it. Less carbohydrates, less cholesterol. Eat plenty of fruit, and walk!! It's like it's a vicious circle. I get depressed because I'm fat, and then I want to eat because I am depressed. I also think that if I do lose weight, I'll gain it back and my efforts will be wasted, since this did happen already. I still have 20 pounds off from when I lost, which is pretty good I guess. I don't know how I can help you. The only thing I would say is fer chrissakes don't go on faddy fashionable diets. Follow a good diet by seeing a dietrician at your Doc's clinic, and go to a gym. And walk! Though for now, I'd like to think he's okay. I feel like I must accept myself right now as I am for anyone to like me. I know as long as I stay this big I will never like myself, though I wish I could make a temporary pact with myself. I'm scared to let my guy touch me or even kiss me, like it will dirty him. Yes, I am messed up. This is both a sad and unhealthy attitude. You're right, you're messed up. But you ain't messed up so bad that you can't make a difference for yourself. You're caring, articulate and affectionate. You recognise good people and see that everyone needs a bit of kindness and support. That's something to be proud of. You're a nice person. Get your BF to help you with this. But do it for you.... But thanks for the imput. I appreciate it! (that's "iNput"...... But you're welcome!!)
LostLamb Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 You need to tackle your self hatred issues. I have lost the love of my life because I hate the way I look. Feeling ugly and worthless puts you into a mental prison and stops you living. I have lost weight recently and aim to lose more but it has only happened due to the overwhelming sadness I feel.
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