xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 There's absolutely nothing wrong with me!!!... I think? I get asked out quite often enough. Guys constantly tell me I'm cute, and I'm not that bad looking either. So lately, why can't I get a date? It seems recently with the weather turning sour and the sky going bleak, I am constantly finding myself in a state of being by myself. Not that I'm a social outcast, I'm far from it. When I'm hanging out with a group of girls, I prefer " girl time" over being hit on. Yet when I'm by myself like when I'm shopping by my lonesome, I'm wishing that the cute guy in the next stall would notice me. I get stared at sometimes, by a guy here and there, but it seems when I'm expecting them to initiate contact, zip happens. Like a balloon deflated somewhere overhead. I don't mind a little bit of flirtation, I actually like the attention on a good day. I even make up and dress in skirts and high heels on a saturday afternoon and hit the streets of manhattan for brunch. I'm mellow and I definitely appear approachable. I even religiously check that my hair is not in a mess and my makeup is not smudged. So what is keeping guys from wanting to ask me out?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Hahaha good question. But I have a thing about cafes and starbucks, and normally I catch the eye of several single guys sitting across the room. In my mind, the imagery involves those little chance encounters of a guy coming up to me and asking to buy me a cup of coffee or tea. I'm too much of a romantic.
Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 You think that there's "absolutely nothing wrong with you"? I'm sorry to say this, but I beg to differ. You're an OW. I assure you there most certainly IS something wrong with you... even if that's only a very low self-esteem. Self-respecting people do not voluntarily enter into those relationships. So perhaps you're radiating that?
ruggy Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Star, what's an OW? OP, try looking for men at different places other than Starbucks. Maybe in the dot com era that was a good place, now, not too sure. If you need practice with men (dating), try one of those online dating sites like POF.com, Match.com, Chemistry.com.
Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Ruggy - an OW is "Other Woman"... a woman who gets involved with a man who's already in a committed relationship.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 You think that there's "absolutely nothing wrong with you"? I'm sorry to say this, but I beg to differ. You're an OW. I assure you there most certainly IS something wrong with you... even if that's only a very low self-esteem. Self-respecting people do not voluntarily enter into those relationships. So perhaps you're radiating that? S_G, even if I'm an OW, I don't mix my private life with pleasures. And I already ended things, perhaps you could do me the courtesy of not holding that against me. We all do stupid things, but we also know how to move on and better persons.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Star, what's an OW? OP, try looking for men at different places other than Starbucks. Maybe in the dot com era that was a good place, now, not too sure. If you need practice with men (dating), try one of those online dating sites like POF.com, Match.com, Chemistry.com. I find internet dating tedious, and it's a real bore trying to weed out the good ones.
Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 S_G, even if I'm an OW, I don't mix my private life with pleasures. And I already ended things, perhaps you could do me the courtesy of not holding that against me. We all do stupid things, but we also know how to move on and better persons. I don't get what you mean by the bolded part? First, I'm not holding anything against you. I don't know why you assumed I was, other than your own guilt. I don't care what you do in your personal life, really. You asked what your "repellant" was, and I simply gave you my thoughts. Also, I realize you ended things - VERY RECENTLY - but I still believe your decision to even get involved with a committed man to begin with speaks volumes about your character and how you view yourself. Often, other people (men included) can pick up on those character traits and self-esteem issues, whether you realize you're giving off the vibe or not. Thus, I'd suggest revisiting the reasons that even led you to enter that relationship to begin with. Work on those issues, on yourself. Love yourself first, otherwise no one else will. Good luck.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 I don't get what you mean by the bolded part? First, I'm not holding anything against you. I don't know why you assumed I was, other than your own guilt. I don't care what you do in your personal life, really. You asked what your "repellant" was, and I simply gave you my thoughts. Also, I realize you ended things - VERY RECENTLY - but I still believe your decision to even get involved with a committed man to begin with speaks volumes about your character and how you view yourself. Often, other people (men included) can pick up on those character traits and self-esteem issues, whether you realize you're giving off the vibe or not. Thus, I'd suggest revisiting the reasons that even led you to enter that relationship to begin with. Work on those issues, on yourself. Love yourself first, otherwise no one else will. Good luck. I realized I was just bored and was looking for said " pleasure" from someone else. But my " private life" meaning the things that I truly value, aren't involved, therefore, it's neither tarnished or affected by what I had done. I never said I don't love myself, but then again we all find fault in ourselves. And I realize one of my mistakes was getting involved in a tryst with someone who never really deserved my attention in the first place. I am glad I had gotten out of it, and I realized that I may be have suffered a bit of setback in regards to my self esteem. That doesn't necessarily mean I won't regain it.
Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I realized I was just bored and was looking for said " pleasure" from someone else. But my " private life" meaning the things that I truly value, aren't involved, therefore, it's neither tarnished or affected by what I had done. You entered someone else's relationship because you were bored? And you don't think that chasing after a committed man has any impact on your character? Wow. That actually makes it worse. I never said I don't love myself, but then again we all find fault in ourselves. And I realize one of my mistakes was getting involved in a tryst with someone who never really deserved my attention in the first place. I am glad I had gotten out of it, and I realized that I may be have suffered a bit of setback in regards to my self esteem. That doesn't necessarily mean I won't regain it. I didn't say you WON'T EVER regain your self-esteem. If anything, you clearly THINK you think pretty highly of yourself already.
Island Girl Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 It's amusing that you like to dish out the blame, and delight in being so judgmental. Especially when a quick look at your threads shows that you have such a flaky history. Perhaps you should check out your own glass house before you decide to throw stones. The above quote is completely off-topic and not helpful to the OP at all. Seems somebody possibly has a personal issue going on. Please do not respond here and hi-jack the thread. To the OP: You sound very intelligent and as you said you are attractive. When you do see men, across the Starbucks for instance, do you smile at them? If near them do you open a dialogue with a witty remark? Perhaps it would make a difference if you put yourself out there a little. I don't mean rushing up to them and giving them a run down of who you are or asking them out. Just casually allowing them a chance to be interested and an easy opportunity to chat with you. Maybe that would help.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 You entered someone else's relationship because you were bored? And you don't think that chasing after a committed man has any impact on your character? Wow. That actually makes it worse. I didn't say you WON'T EVER regain your self-esteem. If anything, you clearly THINK you think pretty highly of yourself already. He could have just easily refused my advances despite our previous history. I didn't drug him or put him in any position whereas he couldn't say no. He could have written me off completely. Why accused me of being the villain, when an affair places BOTH person at fault. I never said I was a saint, in fact I doubt anyone can truly say they never did anything that went against their very character. And as to how I think about myself, I would never place myself on a pedestal. But then again I wouldn't want to put myself down over little things and waste my time feeling bad about everything.
MindoverMatter Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 He could have just easily refused my advances despite our previous history. I didn't drug him or put him in any position whereas he couldn't say no. He could have written me off completely. Why accused me of being the villain, when an affair places BOTH person at fault. Exactly. You are at fault, too. I didn't get the impression that StarGazer was giving the guy a get out of jail card. If you had been the ow out of boredom...well...yeah...that would not say so nice things about your maturity level. But I honestly doubt that was the reason. I think you just said that to make yourself look stronger. Which is normal, but won't allow you to grow as a person. Maybe this is the problem: putting on a mask, trying to be something, expecting things to go a certain way. If a girl sits in Starbucks and looks around the room all the time trying to get eye contact with as many men as possible she would not get approached by many. Not saying that this is what you do, but maybe you need to relax more. Be at ease with yourself. And lay low from the dating for a while, because you really just ended the affair.
motive2002 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 You never know what stage a person is at any given time in their life. This is why flirting is so important. It's an innocent way of saying "I find you interesting.. cutie!" without coming right out and saying it. Some of the guys that didn't approach you could have hesitated for a million different reasons. Maybe they were too shy. Maybe they had a significant other. Maybe they were gay? I mean you don't know. Or, maybe it was a guy like me who just got out of a relationship and is still raw.. and doesn't really know what to make of an attractive young woman giving them the eye. Like I said, could be a billion different things, and you should ultimately not let it affect your self esteem. Guys say this all the time.. yenno since we have to do the approaching. "It's all a numbers game." In other words, if you aren't built like Adonis or have wads of cash, you're gonna get turned down on more approaches than not. Women have it a little easier in this department, but not by much. You could be sending the right signals, but the guy may be too much of a wuss to go out on a limb. It's all pretty funny when you think about it. The little dance we do.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 You never know what stage a person is at any given time in their life. This is why flirting is so important. It's an innocent way of saying "I find you interesting.. cutie!" without coming right out and saying it. Some of the guys that didn't approach you could have hesitated for a million different reasons. Maybe they were too shy. Maybe they had a significant other. Maybe they were gay? I mean you don't know. Or, maybe it was a guy like me who just got out of a relationship and is still raw.. and doesn't really know what to make of an attractive young woman giving them the eye. Like I said, could be a billion different things, and you should ultimately not let it affect your self esteem. Guys say this all the time.. yenno since we have to do the approaching. "It's all a numbers game." In other words, if you aren't built like Adonis or have wads of cash, you're gonna get turned down on more approaches than not. Women have it a little easier in this department, but not by much. You could be sending the right signals, but the guy may be too much of a wuss to go out on a limb. It's all pretty funny when you think about it. The little dance we do. It's too bad we never learned before is it? If we all had a private dancing teacher, we could easily master the waltz and the salsa.
Trialbyfire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 It's too bad we never learned before is it? If we all had a private dancing teacher, we could easily master the waltz and the salsa. The grand finalé is the horizontal mambo!
Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 He could have just easily refused my advances despite our previous history. I didn't drug him or put him in any position whereas he couldn't say no. He could have written me off completely. Why accused me of being the villain, when an affair places BOTH person at fault. And as to how I think about myself, I would never place myself on a pedestal. But then again I wouldn't want to put myself down over little things and waste my time feeling bad about everything. I think in your other threads you admitted to actually going after this guy because he rejected you, and you wanted to ruin his relationship to get back at him. That's...evil. Being an OW, particularly when you're chasing after him, is not a "little thing." Your attitude in this regard is honestly really troubling and sickening. I'm really appalled that you show no remorse for your actions. Exactly. You are at fault, too. I didn't get the impression that StarGazer was giving the guy a get out of jail card. If you had been the ow out of boredom...well...yeah...that would not say so nice things about your maturity level. Obviously I didn't give him a free pass. But THIS thread is directed at the OP's problems with men, her "guy repellant." Thus, the focus need not be on him, but her.
Rebellious Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 There's absolutely nothing wrong with me!!!... I think? I get asked out quite often enough. Guys constantly tell me I'm cute, and I'm not that bad looking either. So lately, why can't I get a date? It seems recently with the weather turning sour and the sky going bleak, I am constantly finding myself in a state of being by myself. Not that I'm a social outcast, I'm far from it. When I'm hanging out with a group of girls, I prefer " girl time" over being hit on. Yet when I'm by myself like when I'm shopping by my lonesome, I'm wishing that the cute guy in the next stall would notice me. I get stared at sometimes, by a guy here and there, but it seems when I'm expecting them to initiate contact, zip happens. Like a balloon deflated somewhere overhead. I don't mind a little bit of flirtation, I actually like the attention on a good day. I even make up and dress in skirts and high heels on a saturday afternoon and hit the streets of manhattan for brunch. I'm mellow and I definitely appear approachable. I even religiously check that my hair is not in a mess and my makeup is not smudged. So what is keeping guys from wanting to ask me out? Most of them were raised to believe in gender equality, so why don't you ask them out instead of complaining? The most desirable men don't chase women anyways, so it's always the jerks that hit on you.
Island Girl Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Most of them were raised to believe in gender equality, so why don't you ask them out instead of complaining? The most desirable men don't chase women anyways, so it's always the jerks that hit on you. I couldn't disagree more. Desirable men are usually confident and secure with themselves. They will go after what they want and will absolutely pursue someone they are interested in. If a woman is dealing with self-esteem issues it would be a huge leap to approach a man and ask him out. Flirting would even be a reach - but it is an achievable goal.
Trialbyfire Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I couldn't disagree more. Desirable men are usually confident and secure with themselves. They will go after what they want and will absolutely pursue someone they are interested in. Yes, I completely agree!
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 And as to how I think about myself, I would never place myself on a pedestal. But then again I wouldn't want to put myself down over little things and waste my time feeling bad about everything. I think in your other threads you admitted to actually going after this guy because he rejected you, and you wanted to ruin his relationship to get back at him. That's...evil. Being an OW, particularly when you're chasing after him, is not a "little thing." Your attitude in this regard is honestly really troubling and sickening. I'm really appalled that you show no remorse for your actions. Obviously I didn't give him a free pass. But THIS thread is directed at the OP's problems with men, her "guy repellant." Thus, the focus need not be on him, but her. No, S_G, now you're just misquoting me. He never really rejected me until after I specifically asked him if he wanted to be with me. The whole time we were in contact, he never made mention that he didn't want to renew the relationship, he was being ambigious about whether he wanted to leave his current relatioship before anybody got hurt. I told him to make up his mind from the very start, but he never made his decision clear, instead, he strung both and me his gf along like cats to balls of yarns. I am only returning him by letting him have his own medicine. I think if my attitude were anything but apathetic, I would be the one crying my eyes out right now. What else am I suppose to be? Being regretful and feeling myself with self hatred is only going to get me so far, and I don't want to subject myself to that kind of self pity and torture.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Most of them were raised to believe in gender equality, so why don't you ask them out instead of complaining? The most desirable men don't chase women anyways, so it's always the jerks that hit on you. Honestly in all respect, sometimes I think I'm cursed. If I'm the one taking the most initiative, I find that I usually end up dateless, or ignored.
Miranda1 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Yeah, I'm in a similar situation - straight men absolutely hate me! Women and gay men love me, however. But it's okay - my idol is Kylie Minogue, she has the same problem, but that hasn't stopped her from enjoying her life and being successful! My philosophy is, "You can't force men to like you, so you might as well get on with your life!" Life is too short to be miserable!
MindoverMatter Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I think if my attitude were anything but apathetic, I would be the one crying my eyes out right now. What else am I suppose to be? Being regretful and feeling myself with self hatred is only going to get me so far, and I don't want to subject myself to that kind of self pity and torture. There is a world of difference between self-pity and actually analysing one's own behaviour, accepting mistakes and growing as a person. Else you will be stuck attracting the same kind of men and acting the same way over and over again, forever wondering why things aren't different.
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