SilverLining Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Some of you might know my story, some not. In a nutshell, I dated this guy for 5 and a half years, he dumped me at least once a year, once we hit the 5 year mark I found out he was having a nonsexual emotional affair with a coworker, he fought to keep me and got us into counseling. He proposed and we got engaged, after a month of being engaged he tells me that he wasn't happy because I 'wasn't doing enough for him'. I told him it was because I hadn't wanted to after the emotional affair, but that I was ready to get back into that. I began right away, after a few days he said he felt it was being resolved, and that he still loved me and was committed to us. He dumped me 4 days later without so much as an explanation. Well, he sent me a message asking me about my new job, and we started talking. He was very complimentary of course - he always tells me what a wonderful, amazing person I am. Even though he says he no longer loves me. Anyway, he began flirting with me, and made reference to sleeping together. I asked him if it was something he really wanted to do, and he said it probably wasn't a good idea, and I agreed. And then, something inside of me broke and I started saying everything that I probably should not say. I told him that I loved him and missed him, and that it was so hard. I told him I didn't want to date anyone else, that I was only going through the motions. I told him that I knew things wouldn't change, but that it didn't stop me from constantly analyzing and trying to find the reset button on us. When he said he didn't love me anymore and he was sorry, I told him that it seemed to me that after having loved me for over 5 years, he had distanced himself from me and that if he had wanted to, he could have opened himself up to me and thus fall back in love. I told him that I had gone through the same thing with him and that I bounced back from it, so why shouldn't he? He called me that night and we had a talk about why he had actually broken up with me. He had always refused to talk to me about it before. Well, this is what I found out. After the emotional affair, I was obviously heartbroken and did not want to be in the relationship anymore, but he convinced me to give it a shot. I was trying to get my emotions straight, heal, and rebuild my faith in him and my own self-esteem. I did not want to do nice things for him, because he had hurt me terribly. Well it seems that when I stopped doing nice things for him, he decided I didn't love him. And so he 'unintentionally distanced himself and stopped loving me', as he says. That's it. It seems to me that it is just horrible that I have had my heart broken over something that could have been so easily resolved at the time. If he would have spoken to me before, if he could have been less selfish and more patient, if he could have given me some time, especially has he had noted that things were getting better... This is me. I'm in love with someone who thinks I'm amazing, who is incredibly attracted to me, but doesn't love me anymore because of my reaction to his betrayal. Yes, I know that he's a jerk. I know that I deserve better. But I've been trying to get over him. I've kept myself busy, I've dated other people, I've been trying to improve myself. It doesn't detract from the fact that I am attracted to no other person, and when I am alone and trying to be busy, I somehow still end up obsessing over him. I keep thinking that if I just met one guy who I was attracted to and who didn't end up being a complete *******, I might finally get over this because deep down, I really believe that there might not be anyone else out there for me. I am lonely, I am sad, and I feel hopeless because when things between us were good, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. So...I did the worst thing I could possibly do. I asked him if he thought he could ever love me again. He said, well, I do not want to get your hopes up. I said, just tell me honestly what you think. He responded that he thought it was possible, because anything is possible. How does that get my hopes up? And if that weren't enough...I asked him if he would consider, after a couple of months, trying to fix us. And he said, well maybe. I don't believe for a second that he meant it though. He was probably just trying to get me off of the phone with the least problems possible. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am a masochist. I keep putting my heart out there for someone who obviously doesn't want it. I'm his 'least effort' girl - I'm pretty, I'm sweet, and I never tell him no. He always ends up calling me or messaging me even though I've asked him time and time again not to. I know I need to be strong on my own end...but I'm so desperate for any link to someone I love that I can't ignore the calls when they come. I can't help responding to the texts. I keep thinking that he just doesn't know what he wants, and if he keeps me in his life...then that must mean something. I think I'm fooling myself.
Trialbyfire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 He's full of poop! Happy people within relationships don't have emotional affairs. What he's done is to put the onus on YOU, that YOU killed his love. Wrong. He's responsible for killing the relationship by severing the trust and respect. He's gaslighting you, to make himself feel better. This is a standard modis operandi for a cheater. Don't fall for that garbage.
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