sassygurl129 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 My bf that I moved in with for 8 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago...that's right! Right after New Years...in fact he told me that he was ready to break up with me since Christmas, and our epic fight from New Years made him determined to end all things. Actually that's BS because later on he told me that he found someone at work that liked him, and that gave him that extra push to finalize his decision. Actually the story is, 2 days after the break up...I found out from a very good friend of mine whose brother is my ex's boss told me that the girl he's seeing now at work went to ask him about interoffice dating. When I found out, I was beyond devastated. Since then I haven't been myself at all, and my world started crumbling down and falling apart. I had mixed emotions, in fact I became emo! I went from super depressed, to sad, to angry and now I think I have become a little crazy. That coward told me that he stopped loving me, and stopped caring about me all of a sudden...OUCH! There I was thinking about how we could mend things and make us work again after the fight, and the entire time he was thinking about how to break up with me...it hurt so much that I thought I was having a heart attack. Now I am in this purgatory of hate, anger and depression. For the last 3 months while he was in school, I was the support of the relationship. If it wasn't me he would have starved and had no one to take care of him. He was always a broke ass, he sucked at handling money. I kept him fed. When ever I get to this point I can't stop thinking about how he could do this to me when I was so good to him... Ok ok, I admit that our New Year fight was quite terrible. We both said things that should have never ever been said...worst of all I threatened him to take my own life...that's because I loved him with all my heart. I have him my soul, heart and world and time and money and just everything. When he told me that he wanted to give up, thats when my world just totally fell apart. I had nowhere to go! During the process of trying to hurt myself, he obviously tried to stop me, I actually got a little physically and well according to him, "I attacked him." I also bit him rather hard cause I was just filled with negative energy from the split ends of my hair to the baby toe nail. I was not sane...He actually that night told m that I should take some things and get back to my parent's place and stay there. Side story, I have a very dysfunctional family...going home was the last thing I wanted to do in my head. well anyhow, following Monday, that's when he broke the news. That night he told me I should take the cats and pack my stuff and leave his place. It stung so so so so bad that yes once again I had suicidal thoughts. He called my parents so I had no choice but to go home with them. I didn't take very much with me that night because I thought to myself that the next day I will go back to his place and kill myelf, so that when he came home he will find me laying in his bed lifeless. At this moment, I think it was a split decision that was made between total heartbreak and revenge. I want him to know that he not only broke my heart, but also killed me. Well right now things are definitely not going my way. Seeing him moved on and has already started staying at her place and doing her definitely isn't helping me feel any better. How do I know? God I can't believe I did that either, but I was so hurt that I couldn't even go to work. I went back to the condo and started snooping around. I actually did some pretty illegal things. I downloaded keyloggers and webwatcher software on this computer so I can continue to see what he was doing. I also put kitchen cleaners in his shampoo and etc and see if that will start making him break out in rash and lose hair. I know I am crazy. I can't stop it. Actually the other day I found his World of Warcraft password. I went into his account and deleted everything single character on his list, he got it back now, but when he found out that everything went missing he knew it was me. Of course I denied that it wasn't me, but he was positive that it was. He was just such a jerkface about it, we continued to fight for no reason. I was there to pack up my remaining things because he told me that if I hadn't taken everything that night, he would throw it out. I was so angry, so pissed, so sad that he was the way he was because when we started going out he was just so good to me. He treated me like a princess he was just perfect. That's when I thought of doing something crazy again. I actually told him I was pregnant, despite the fact that we haven't had sex in over a month. I knew it would get to him because in his last long term relationship he actually made his ex get an abortion. I told him that I am going to keep my "baby." He went white as a ghost. It felt pretty good to me at the moment, but the after math caught up to me and I realized how much of an idiot I was. I am still a huge idiot actually. I haven't been sleeping very much, and not eating very much. I have no appetite for anything. When I am actually at work, all I could think of is just how to scheme for my next crazy act. I actually thought about drug raping him for his seeds so I can actually make myself pregnant...I can't believe that I am so serious aobut it and still thinking about it. I know it will ruin my life, but I want him to get hurt despite that I will be the one thats going to get super hurt ultimately. I continue stalking him through webwatching his every action online. Actually far worst, I found that the biatch had sent racy photos of herself to him, so I stole those pictures and have created accounts on adult websites with her pics and suck. I actually have her number too, so I thought when I know I have got some of those men interested. I will give them that number so they can start calling her. I am pathetic, but i can't get myself out of this sh*t hole. I can't stop beating myself up, every time I see him say that I am a crazy b*tch or wh*re or just say mean things about me online to his friends it drove me nuts. It brought me down even more, made me think more about doing crazy things like seriously getting myself pregnant... SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! I am sane yet insane. I am totally lost. I feel like I am going to completely lose it soon. I don't know what to do...
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Not even I am going to go here. Get professional help. Immediately. NOW. CALL A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST. NOW.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Not even I am going to go here. Get professional help. Immediately. NOW. CALL A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST. NOW. i agree with DSM
Author sassygurl129 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i cant help myself. i can't stop thinking about the ways i want to ruin his life...somehow i think ruining his life will make me feel better...
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Hell no you can't help yourself. You need to call a psychologist right now. I could tell you 100 things wrong with you right here on the spot. But you need supervised, because you're irrational, sporadic and clearly missing the part of your brain that houses logic. Visit a psych right now for gods sake. Call a psychologist.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 if you loved him, you wouldn't want to ruin his life. that's not love.
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Its normal to check a site that your ex used to use when you first break up. It isn't normal to log into his various accounts , dream about raping him or trying to ruin his life,you are only hurting yourself in the long run. You should go to your GP and ask for some help before you do something that will lead to prison or worse.
Author sassygurl129 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 if he loved me or cared about our relationship he wouldn't have ruined mine either. i had my own apartment, he wanted me to move in. i did...i gave him my everything. he was never there for me...he was not willing to compromise towards the end. i changed myself for him so he could be happier. i even took on his stupid game to try to impress him!
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You say he was never there for you... but earlier you said he was perfect and treated you like a princess? Conflicting thoughts.. listen, no one here can offer you the indepth help you need. You need a professional psychologist. Not even those of us with true insight in psychology can help you here.
trueblue72ny Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 maybe you want to make him feel hurt like he is making you feel hurt. but that will not help anything. i know it really hurts being dumped for someone else. but you have to find a way to get thru it without hurting yourself or anyone else in the process. you have to walk the long road or hurt like the rest of us are doing on here. none of us asked to be hurt, no its not easy, but it is part of life. it would probably be a good idea to take a few steps back form all this.
Author sassygurl129 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i know you guys are right. i know that everything takes time to heal. all my friends told me that i could do better. my mom told me that she knew that he was never the one from the beginning, but in the beginning he did give me everything i want. there was an instant connection, just towards the end when everything started falling apart things just went a million hours straight into the ground. i know that i need help. i guess i am just on here hoping to hear someone say that yah...he's a jerkface or hes a douchbag or trash him a little for me. i guess i think i got it extra bad knowing that i know i will be out of a job soon, and i am stuck at my parent's over crowded house and knowing that he just works right across the street with his new toy makes me feel that extra pooped...
trueblue72ny Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 well ya! its not cool to lead someone on like he did.. which should make you realize eventually that you probably do not want someone who is going to do that to you...
Author sassygurl129 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i feel like an idiot to realize that he wasn't into that me anymore, but i just kept trying and everytime giving myself more to him...everything even my dignity. i felt so used to know that it's been months that he had been having 2nd thoughts but he just kept it going because i was there by his side all the time, and he used me and my money and time and feelings for him. he apologized, but you all know that it just doesn't take everything away. and when he realize that he has someone else waiting for him, he kicked me to the curb. i was so dumb that even at one point i was crying on his knees asking him to take me back...i have no dignity left at that point. that's when i realize that instead of feeling sorry for myself i should take that negative energy and transform it into another kind...
trueblue72ny Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 well, thats what happens, you feel like someone is loosing interest, so you reach out some, then a little more, and more, and more, thinknig that will help. as if by showing them more love, giving them more of yourself, that it will help. until you give them everything. but it does not work like that. i wish i learned that sooner.
Author sassygurl129 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i wish i knew it sooner as well...now i feel like i have lost everything and wonder when will i ever get all of myself back
trueblue72ny Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 its a long road. im 5 1/2 months into mine. i didnt even want to live anymore when it all first went down. my heart was that into it. i put everything into it! i moved to a new town and bought a house to be closer. on a scale of 1 -10, that hurt around an 11. i know people in the new town and have some family around, but still. but it is getting better. some days are up some days are down still. but i can smile and joke around a little now. i joined a gym. that helped a lot and so did making new friends. i vented i cried more times than i can count i went crazy inside. but i am working on myself. trying to transform myself into something better. when i get my tax money i am going to buy lots of new cloths. whatever it takes to make myself better. if i can get this far you can too. it takes awhile but you can and will get yourself back, and then some.
Author sassygurl129 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 i know this guy is not worth another single drop of my tears anymore, but i can't stop feeling the pain. i go from hating him, to being really angry about the whole situation to feeling really lonely and can't stop missing and thinking about him. this morning i woke up in my bed feeling very lonely, remembering how we use to wake up next to each other and cuddling. it hurts so bad to realize that he's now doing that with somebody else. it hurts like mad...
alwayssme Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Sassygirl... Listen...first you definetely HAVE to go see a psychologist...you do realize what you say is completely not logical right? and two...take comfort in knowing that you are not the only one going through this pain and these intense emotions...(meaning hurt, anger, depression) However, the way you're dealing with them is not good...You should go see a psychologist ASAP...stop checking his sites too
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