not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 i'm two months out of my first relationship, which was long distance and lasted a year and a half. i just turned 25, and had always been pretty shy around guys. but for a while before i met my ex, i had been becoming more confident, beginning to really enjoy going out and meeting guys, and just having fun instead of putting pressure on myself to be with anyone. i'm convinced that because i was more confident i was attracting more guys, which also boosted the confidence levels, and i think attracted my ex. now i find myself at an all time low.................better than i was 2 months ago, no doubt, but still crappy. i'm applying for work, which is stressful in itself. and trying to move out from home, which is also stressful due to other personal matters. i wish my ex was here with me. but he doesn't want to be. i know i'm getting better, though i'm far from being over him. i know there's no set time on getting over someone. but i honestly felt as if someone had died. i don't ever want to feel that way again. and although i no longer feel like i'll never find anyone again, though i know i seriously need to pick myself up before that can ever happen again, it scares me that anyone could ever make me feel that horrible again. does it get worse? or is first love always the hardest to get over?
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 If the R ran its course and ended negatively, I can't see the first being more impossible to 'get over' than any subsequent one. The key is that it did run its course and one did make the decision, a reasoned decision, to end it based on recognizable factors. The problem with first loves is that, generally, they happen when the brain is still maturing and without the benefit of life experience, so there are many variables and uncertainties which will permeate the memory of that feeling. IMO, the later (age-wise) one has a requited first love, and experiences failure, the less likely they will be to revisit that dynamic later in life. The key is the relationship failing from within, rather than from outside factors beyond the couple's control, and the couple understanding and processing the internal factors of failure. You can 'get over' a first love and still have a completely new and different love with that person later in life. The only constant in life, besides death, is change. Enjoy
hoartiosans Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I just got out of my first relationship, which only lasted a month, yet when she first dumped me I felt worse than when I've had relatives die. I haven't had another relationship yet, but if my first long-term relationship ends (idk if it will) I might die if I feel any worse than I did when she dumped me. So I doubt I'm any help, but I hope that the first is the hardest, because I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Um of course the first is the hardest. Ever heard that stupid country song "The first cut is the deepest"
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 If the R ran its course and ended negatively, I can't see the first being more impossible to 'get over' than any subsequent one. The key is that it did run its course and one did make the decision, a reasoned decision, to end it based on recognizable factors. The problem with first loves is that, generally, they happen when the brain is still maturing and without the benefit of life experience, so there are many variables and uncertainties which will permeate the memory of that feeling. IMO, the later (age-wise) one has a requited first love, and experiences failure, the less likely they will be to revisit that dynamic later in life. The key is the relationship failing from within, rather than from outside factors beyond the couple's control, and the couple understanding and processing the internal factors of failure. You can 'get over' a first love and still have a completely new and different love with that person later in life. The only constant in life, besides death, is change. Enjoy thanks carhill. the thing is i felt, and still feel, ridiculously, that the relationship hadn't run its course. i know things hadn't been right for a while i will admit, and i had wanted to talk about it properly but had trouble finding a way to do so since we were LDR. then there was a misunderstanding, that was blown up on both sides, but it was a symptom i feel of bigger issues. they were however issues that could have been discussed and i thought we were going to do that. he gave me the impression that he wanted to do that. but then he ended it. 2 months ago, and i know i'm just having a really bad day. i feel at times like there's so many unanswered questions. i won't get answers i know. i know there will be plenty of changes for me in the next few months. and i wish he could be here with me. i just wish we could have talked.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Um of course the first is the hardest. Ever heard that stupid country song "The first cut is the deepest" i have indeed. i spent much time listening to it in the week we broke up. probably wasn't the best idea. but i figured i'd be crying that much anyway. i'm a pretty emotional person, crying is a huge outlet!
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I am 29 and my ex was my first long term relationship. I know we could have fixed the problems we had but he said he lost faith in me and couldn't wait anymore. I don't think about any other man I have lost but I think he will always be in my heart and I will carry his memory to the grave. If he said he had found someone else or didn't love me anymore it would have been easier to accept the relationship ending
Frankasy Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I don't know cause I've only fallen once in love and recently everything ended and I'm still having a very hard time getting over her although I really don't show myself, I'm very cold on the outside but still I'm going through hell getting over her. This thread is kinda making me realize that this might be my problem.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I am 29 and my ex was my first long term relationship. I know we could have fixed the problems we had but he said he lost faith in me and couldn't wait anymore. I don't think about any other man I have lost but I think he will always be in my heart and I will carry his memory to the grave. If he said he had found someone else or didn't love me anymore it would have been easier to accept the relationship ending sorry to hear that lamb. why did he say he'd lost faith in you? i got numerous excuses.............long distance relationships don't work, history is repeating itself (his only other LTR was LDR), we're not right for each other (the week before he said we had too much going for us to fall out of something so petty), and "i'm doing this now so it won't happen again in 6 months time or when we would have travelled (i really don't get that one) and "i was kinda depressed when i met you" (had never heard that from him before) and 'i always meant it when i said i loved you, i still do, you just didn't believe me" (which wasn't true.............i did believe him..............but he just made so little effort the last few months, and when i confronted him about this he didn't seem to understand that making effort isn't inviting me along to loads of things with your friends..............it also involves wanting to spend time alone with me). i just feel an honest explanation would have helped. i feel like he just got lazy and copped out.
hoartiosans Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 ...i just turned 25, and had always been pretty shy around guys. but for a while before i met my ex, i had been becoming more confident, beginning to really enjoy going out and meeting guys, and just having fun instead of putting pressure on myself to be with anyone. i'm convinced that because i was more confident i was attracting more guys, which also boosted the confidence levels, and i think attracted my ex...now i find myself at an all time low...and although i no longer feel like i'll never find anyone again, though i know i seriously need to pick myself up before that can ever happen again... As for confidence building, I was right there with you, I'm a little younger than you are, but still I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 19. In my case, I used to be obese, I Lost over 50 pounds and confidence was abound, I got this girl to date me in my first attempt, and I really started feeling good about myself, but when she broke up with me that floundered and I let myself wonder how I could ever find someone who loved me again, much like you did. But as time went on I started thinking to myself if I got her to love me, so can someone else, like I'm sure you have thought. I know how you feel, and I believe this will get easier.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 As for confidence building, I was right there with you, I'm a little younger than you are, but still I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 19. In my case, I used to be obese, I Lost over 50 pounds and confidence was abound, I got this girl to date me in my first attempt, and I really started feeling good about myself, but when she broke up with me that floundered and I let myself wonder how I could ever find someone who loved me again, much like you did. But as time went on I started thinking to myself if I got her to love me, so can someone else, like I'm sure you have thought. I know how you feel, and I believe this will get easier. i know hoartiosans......i'm having a really bad day of it. hadn't cried in about 5 days which was great! it seems like the peaks and troughs are getting further apart! i feel i've never given so much to someone the way i gave to him. i know i'll love again. and so will you! think lack of job, living at home too, on top of break-up has all lead to a plummet in confidence levels. i think that's part of why he began to treat me the way he did. i didn't deserve the treatment i got by a long shot.........but i can see where my part in the break-up was. i wish i could turn back time. shtooopid!
hoartiosans Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I wish things hadn't of changed too, I have to go back to college Sunday, and I'm really not looking forward to it, seeing places we spent together, me holding her hand and looking into her eyes, it's heartbreaking to even imagine having to go back and see those places knowing that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, not to mention I'm gonna have to take down pictures on my wall, and throw away things she gave me just so I can forget her, even though I don't want to, I have to. I accept that I have no control over what has happened, and I hate her reason for dumping me, we had all sorts of complications with our relationship which no doubt led to mixed feelings about us and to our breakup, but I thought she loved me and I am no doubtingly still upset, but I have accepted that no matter how stupid her reason, she is done with me, and moving on and that kills me, but I know that I have to move on too. I believe that I'm over reacting likely because she was my first, I am just now starting to realize how wrong I was about her, I'm noticing things in my memories that if I hadn't been swept up in love would have been real turnoffs, and I have realized my mistakes, and I'm dedicated to learning from them. Even though I still long to be with her and hold her again, I know it won't happen, and am beginning to realize that she is not right for me. These experiences help us to grow as painful as they are.
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 sorry to hear that lamb. why did he say he'd lost faith in you? i got numerous excuses.............long distance relationships don't work, history is repeating itself (his only other LTR was LDR), we're not right for each other (the week before he said we had too much going for us to fall out of something so petty), and "i'm doing this now so it won't happen again in 6 months time or when we would have travelled (i really don't get that one) and "i was kinda depressed when i met you" (had never heard that from him before) and 'i always meant it when i said i loved you, i still do, you just didn't believe me" (which wasn't true.............i did believe him..............but he just made so little effort the last few months, and when i confronted him about this he didn't seem to understand that making effort isn't inviting me along to loads of things with your friends..............it also involves wanting to spend time alone with me). i just feel an honest explanation would have helped. i feel like he just got lazy and copped out. My life is complicated and he was the only person who supported me. I didn't look after myself after becoming ill and he ended up feeling miserable and like my parent. Life must hate me at the moment because he found someone new within weeks , she even looks like him. His family and friends disliked me too. Probably because we were different colours. I have lost so much and still dream of him most nights
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 My life is complicated and he was the only person who supported me. I didn't look after myself after becoming ill and he ended up feeling miserable and like my parent. Life must hate me at the moment because he found someone new within weeks , she even looks like him. His family and friends disliked me too. Probably because we were different colours. I have lost so much and still dream of him most nights i have a feeling that's why he began to treat me the way he did, i became too dependant on him for support. i wish i could talk to him now. before he said all that, like a week before, he said we were good. i don't understand. i don't know if he's with anyone else. i haven't heard. i don't know, i'm sure i'd be gutted if i found that out. it must be horrible lamb, i'm sorry to hear that. and that's horrible that his family and friends disliked you. my ex's family loved me, i got on really well with them all. my family, my mum in particular didn't really take to my ex at all. she felt he made no effort to get to know them. i thought he was shy around them at first. but i think he just wasn't that bothered.
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 i have a feeling that's why he began to treat me the way he did, i became too dependant on him for support. i wish i could talk to him now. before he said all that, like a week before, he said we were good. i don't understand. i don't know if he's with anyone else. i haven't heard. i don't know, i'm sure i'd be gutted if i found that out. it must be horrible lamb, i'm sorry to hear that. and that's horrible that his family and friends disliked you. my ex's family loved me, i got on really well with them all. my family, my mum in particular didn't really take to my ex at all. she felt he made no effort to get to know them. i thought he was shy around them at first. but i think he just wasn't that bothered. I have only realised how much I depended on him. I asked him why didn't he tell me , he said he did not want to talk about it anymore. The last sime I saw him was awful , he seemed to hate me even though he has won. I can't believe I have lost my only friend. I have so many problems to sort out and am doing it all on my own. I hope I see him again one day but I know I won't. I start counselling for the first time in my life soon because I know I can't get through this alone
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i depended on my ex a lot for sure, but i honestly felt towards the end that if i didn't make the effort that i wouldn't see him, because he made so many plans with friends.................i have so many friends. i just hadsn't seen them much in the last few months we were together. because i wanted to spend that time with him. in the end when he broke up with me, i said it to him, i'm not just losing a lover, i'm losing my best friend. he was like "you have loads of friends, you'll be ok". gaaaaaaaaawd. i don't know. that hurt too...............i want to talk to him about it too. he eventually didn't want to talk.............the moment had passed. i know i can't keep thinking about what if's , and if only i'd said this, and that. i just feel i could have handled it better. hindsight is a wonderful thing. but i was so messed up after what happened i couldn't step back from my emotions and see things clearly. i want to talk to him about it. i'm hating NC right now!
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I would love to be locked in a room with my ex so I could know all the answers but it is too late and would it help anyway? Knowing he has a new woman (I found out on christmas day via youtube:() who he declared love for within a week has made NC easier but I can't just forget 4 years of my life. Men tend to move on quicker from what I have seen. LS seems to be full of people who get back with their ex , maybe you will meet him again and he will ask for another chance?
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i'd love that to happen. we're from the same hometown. but he lives an hour away from here, and i'm hoping to move soon because there's no work here. i think it's fairly unlikely. and everyone here says to give up hope in order to heal. i was doing that. or so i thought. today has been bad. i know what you mean about it being too late to know all the answers. i don't know that they'd help either. a few days ago i didn't care to know the answers. i guess i only want to know them if they're what i'd like to hear, but i'd probably only face further rejection. i can't wait to not feel like this anymore.
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 At least he doesn't hate you , though? It sounds like he just got tired of waiting for change like my ex.I'm just waiting for the day I wake up and he isn't on my mind. Problem is I know myself well , I am very sensitive and emotionally fragile. I am exhausted ! We split for the final time in early Dec yet it still hurts
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i don't know......................i feel like i'm looking to blame myself..........so i can give myself an excuse to say sorry. for the things that i did wrong. i didn't say it at the time. because there were so many things i felt that he did wrong. i didn't mean for it all to come out the way it did, i feel like i bombarded him with it all. he cried when we talked. he seemed to genuinely feel there was nothing wrong at first. i wish i could take it all back. i don't think he hates me. i keep telling myself he has to be the first to make contact but now i'm beginning to blame myself for him breaking up and i can't stop crying. i've thought about this all too much and i'm torturing myself. i want him back so much.
hoartiosans Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 ...The last (t)ime I saw him was awful , he seemed to hate me even though he has won... My ex did the same thing, when I tried to get a logical explanation from her (the one she gave me was that she just up and decided she "needed" to marry a minister, she literally woke up one morning and just decided this, I got about 3 hours of consideration intermittently) she just got defensive and began getting angry like I was harassing her, we talked non-stop over our entire relationship, and all of a sudden she couldn't stand talking to me, she had no intrest in explaining anything. All I did was tell her I loved er so much and begged her for a chance to make us work (She had no real reason to break us up, we never fought or anything) and she got angry with me! What I think it is, is that when the dumpee, dumps, they feel intense guilt and turning you into a villain helps bury that, it's part of their process of moving on, it's sad and disgusting but that just seems to be what happens.
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 i don't know......................i feel like i'm looking to blame myself..........so i can give myself an excuse to say sorry. for the things that i did wrong. i didn't say it at the time. because there were so many things i felt that he did wrong. i didn't mean for it all to come out the way it did, i feel like i bombarded him with it all. he cried when we talked. he seemed to genuinely feel there was nothing wrong at first. i wish i could take it all back. i don't think he hates me. i keep telling myself he has to be the first to make contact but now i'm beginning to blame myself for him breaking up and i can't stop crying. i've thought about this all too much and i'm torturing myself. i want him back so much. I told him I was sorry when I realised how miserable I had made him. He started saying he did not hate ne just the way our relationship had become. Then it turned to hate , maybe because I kept trying to talk to him. I will never forget his face when we got back together for a day on Nov 28th , he looked so happy and was trying to kiss my face as we waited for our tests. Three weeks later he was with someone new. Life seems to be playing some cruel jokes on me. He won't be there when I attend the hospital next week or see the functioning me. If that ever happens The only good thing about my relationship ending is that it has forced me to tackle my problems. If only I would have started six months ago when he was at my side
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 My ex did the same thing, when I tried to get a logical explanation from her (the one she gave me was that she just up and decided she "needed" to marry a minister, she literally woke up one morning and just decided this, I got about 3 hours of consideration intermittently) she just got defensive and began getting angry like I was harassing her, we talked non-stop over our entire relationship, and all of a sudden she couldn't stand talking to me, she had no intrest in explaining anything. All I did was tell her I loved er so much and begged her for a chance to make us work (She had no real reason to break us up, we never fought or anything) and she got angry with me! What I think it is, is that when the dumpee, dumps, they feel intense guilt and turning you into a villain helps bury that, it's part of their process of moving on, it's sad and disgusting but that just seems to be what happens. I hope you are right. I know that my ex's family and friends all told him he had made the right decision. I went to his house when we first broke up (a BIG thing for me to do with my issues) and his mother closed the door on my face. I told him on the phone once that he had no right to be angry seeing as he had dumped me. He exploded in anger , told me I couldn't tell him what to do anymore and said talking to me annoyed him. Love turned to hate so quickly
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i know what you mean lamb. i'd been putting tackling lack of employment on the long finger because my father wasn't well. and i wanted to help out. which was understandable. i don't know. i wish i could give up hoping. i'm sure he's having a great time without me. nearly 7 weeks nc now, just over two months split. he doesn't give a crap. he sent me a text this week meant for his best friend. who's initials are completely different to mine. i've been trying to convince myself he's been thinking of me. i hate this.
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Do you think he sent it to you on purpose? Wouldn't he have deleted your number by now? Seems strange. Did you answer the text? What did he say?
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