Is it ever OK to say "These are my reservations before moving forward..."???

[movingonandon]

So, you're dating someone for a couple of months, you generally like them (duh...), and sooner or later you begin to ask yourself is this is going to progress towards more serious relationship. IMO, that's the point where "liking" each other needs to take a sit back (waay back), and more practical character comparability issues need to be addressed, such as goals, career stuff, expectations, ability/inclination to handle a crisis, ability/inclination to make sacrifices when necessary etc., etc., etc.,

 

So the question I'm struggling with is it ever ok to bring up concerns/reservations about these aspects of girlfriend's life in a discussion. And the reason I'm wondering is that this is a little overbearing, and perhaps even insulting in a sense that this basically implicitly asks "do you think you're good enough in terms of the aspects that are important for me..." If somebody did this to me, I'd be slightly insulted, and then I'd probably tell them what they want to hear (not necessarily consiously, but if I like them, I'd want to believe that I'm having the "right" approach to the concerns they're bringing...).

 

So, I'm wondering if adopting this direct approach is "sensible" or just "lazy"... In theory, you see enough "evidence" in the process of dating, and then make up your mind. But how much evidence is "enough", given that you can only draw indirect conclusions (and therefore could easily be wrong...) if you don't ask...

[Star Gazer]

such as goals, career stuff, expectations, ability/inclination to handle a crisis, ability/inclination to make sacrifices when necessary etc., etc., etc.,

 

Why don't you just ask her about her career goals, long term plans for herself, what sorts of things she expects in a relationship.... and then OBSERVE her to see what she is and is not capable of?

 

The way you propose going about it is equavalent to asking someone if they're good enough for you. They'll either be insulted, or lie.

 

Better to ask about them about things they can explain (wants, needs, desires, plans, etc.) and observe how they really are (behavior, temperament, etc.). After all, you cannot figure out who someone really is after a few months. That's the whole point of graduating to a more serious relationship... to really get to know them.

[redant]

You could bring these things up casually in a conversation. Share your goals, expectations and she will then share hers and see if you are on the same page. Of course all your questions wont be answered, but like Star said observe and get to know her.

[movingonandon]

Good points... It's just such a dissapointing experience not to see what you hope for. For example, I already kinda know that her future job is "just a job" (at least no sighs of any passion about it so far), she hasn't experienced any significant hardship in her life, etc... (Also, she didn't even bother to check the local shelters when the stray dog she adopted dissapeared after 2 months - I realize i sound totally mega-gay of me to even remember this, but is she going to be this passive when I'm sick or lose my job??? )

 

So I realise the negatives of asking abduptly/directly, I guess the chief reason i considered it as a possible (though unlikely) option was that in my mind in some twisted way it is also like giving the benefit of the doubt, or a second chance to set the record straight...

 

Well, I'll relax and wait some more. Maybe things will even out in the end - I'm no Mr. Perfect either , so maybe she'll dump be instead with great consequences for both of us . (But as much as I'd like to joke with this, if things don't work out it'd be because I'm not satisfied, not her . It's no fun to reject anybody ).

[serial muse]

I think you kind of answered your own question.

 

If somebody did this to me, I'd be slightly insulted, and then I'd probably tell them what they want to hear (not necessarily consiously, but if I like them, I'd want to believe that I'm having the "right" approach to the concerns they're bringing...)

 

If you feel that way, likely someone else would, too.

 

I say this because I've experienced this kind of overbearing judgment and was, indeed, very offended. And it was my current BF who did it - who I've now been dating for 2.5 years, so obviously we've moved past it. But I'll tell you, I still battle some resentment at times over the grief and hurt that this caused in the early stages of our relationship.

 

That said, it's definitely important to pay attention to red flags, and the trouble is identifying true red flags vs. your own fears. What you said about her passion for her job - that sounds like your fears, to me. Not sure about the dog thing. But neither of those seems dealbreakerish, particularly not after 3 months.

 

I think you should chill out and just get to know her better. There's no need to set down guidelines. If you're truly incompatible, you will know with time. Don't ask her to conform to you; there isn't any way for that not to be insulting in a superior, Pygmalion-like way - plus, I guarantee it WILL bite you in the ass if you stay with her. Trust me on that.

 

Why not just be patient and see what happens as you get to know each other better?

[movingonandon]

I think you kind of answered your own question.

 

 

 

If you feel that way, likely someone else would, too.

 

I say this because I've experienced this kind of overbearing judgment and was, indeed, very offended. And it was my current BF who did it - who I've now been dating for 2.5 years, so obviously we've moved past it. But I'll tell you, I still battle some resentment at times over the grief and hurt that this caused in the early stages of our relationship.

 

That said, it's definitely important to pay attention to red flags, and the trouble is identifying true red flags vs. your own fears. What you said about her passion for her job - that sounds like your fears, to me. Not sure about the dog thing. But neither of those seems dealbreakerish, particularly not after 3 months.

 

I think you should chill out and just get to know her better. There's no need to set down guidelines. If you're truly incompatible, you will know with time. Don't ask her to conform to you; there isn't any way for that not to be insulting in a superior, Pygmalion-like way - plus, I guarantee it WILL bite you in the ass if you stay with her. Trust me on that.

 

Why not just be patient and see what happens as you get to know each other better?

 

whew, thanks, I actually feel a bit better now. And saying that these concerns are "my fears" vs. necessarily dealbreakers, is spor on...

basically I'm on the verge of repeating past relationship mistakes. Hopefuly, the juggernaut will stay docked at the station this time :)