rgv112297 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I had an affair, both of us married that lasted about a year through last October. It ended rather crazy and ugly. At one point both of us really wanted to end our marriages and end up together. But honestly neither one of us had the nerve to be the 1st to do it. Anyway, he got really ugly and resentful about the whole situation. His wife sort of found out about us and had him under close watch, so we couldnt really see each other very much since last July. He wanted me to be the 1st to prove I would leave my husband and I kept telling him that I had to wait for certain things to take place...long story involving finances and children needing to graduate soon etc. Anyway, the whole thing ended with him becoming very ugly towards me, swearing he knew I must be seeing other men now, it got crazy really. But I miss him so very much, when we started out, it was so beautiful. Things might have ended up very differently with patience and time. I cant get him off my mind, I want to call him or email him so very badly. In fact up until this month I would email every once in a while. We would email nicely and then it always went back to the same accusations. I want things the way they were, but it wont happen. Dont know to tear him out of my mind. How to stop myself from trying to contact him. I'm truly miserable. Will it ever get better? R
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You still want him so getting over him will be impossible. Sounds like you want to have him in your life and stay married. I take it you're still married? If yes, then divorce because you don't love your husband. Then you can do whatever you want. Now, if you want to truly get over him, go to counselling, fix yourself and do counselling with your husband to save your marriage. Tell your husband about the affair so he can decide if wants to remain married to you.
jj33 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 It will get better. Its the sort of thing that happens so slowly sometimes you dont even notice. Its been 3 or 4 months. Surprisingly that is not a lot of time much as you wish the feelings would just disappear. You go on thinking it will never get better you will never get over it and then one day you realize that it hurts just that little bit less. And then less and then you have the memory of something that was good but really doesnt exist in the present. It does get better. I promise. Hang in there.
Author rgv112297 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I most certainly do not want to stay married and have him in my life long term. Divorce is a complicated thing that sometimes isnt easy to accomplish. Sometimes you just cant get separated or divorced over night. One of the 2 things that had to happen, My daughter graduated and has a moved out and has a career now. That was one thing I was waiting on. The other is a financial commitment that will be finishing up by this coming summer. I have mentioned a divorce to my husband before, he's always refused to talk about it and refused counseling. I have gone to counseling alone. If my MM comes back or not I am still moving forward with my decision. By Aug I will be moving forward with separation & divorce plans. I had just hoped that we could have walked this path together. He just never had faith in me that I would really go through with the divorce in due time and I ask myself, if I am going through this alone in the long run when I am divorced do I go back and look for a man that didnt have faith in me in the 1st place. It's complicated, I know.... <sigh> You still want him so getting over him will be impossible. Sounds like you want to have him in your life and stay married.
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 So, you ARE going to divorce, regardless of whether or not OM/MM is still available?
Author rgv112297 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 yes indeed. Divorced either way.
Confused4Now Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 yes indeed. Divorced either way. I think you seriously have to look at the numbers of how many men really leave their marriages. It's staggering a small number. So if you are truly done with your marriage then do it. Yes it would have been nice to go down that path together however I'm doing that with my MW and it's been alot harder...it really hasn't been pretty at all.
Sands_of_time Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I most certainly do not want to stay married and have him in my life long term. Divorce is a complicated thing that sometimes isnt easy to accomplish. Sometimes you just cant get separated or divorced over night. By Aug I will be moving forward with separation & divorce plans. <sigh> RGV..I'm currently BS but wanted to give you another perspective. When you say you "just can't get divorced over night" what you are really saying is that you need time to mentally prepare for your exit. Right? Then 8 months from now when you have prepared you'll make your move. One question: How would you feel right now, at this very moment if you up and left your husband? Packed up your stuff and you were gone, just like that...almost no preparation at all? How would you handle it? I'm not sure if your H loves you but sometimes the bomb the WS drops can be significant if they aren't prepared like you will be doing for the last 8 months. What would it do to your plans if you let him know today that your plan is to separate/divorce in August?
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 It just makes sense to me that if you're not in a good marriage, you either work it out, or divorce. Whether or not someone is waiting for you should be irrelevent to YOUR choice to divorce. Or it should be, at least. Once the D is final, you're free to pursue whatever relationships you choose.
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 What would it do to your plans if you let him know today that your plan is to separate/divorce in August? And THIS is a great question. Why not tell him point blank, up front that it's over, and that's your gameplan?
wildsoul Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I'm not sure if your H loves you but sometimes the bomb the WS drops can be significant if they aren't prepared like you will be doing for the last 8 months. What would it do to your plans if you let him know today that your plan is to separate/divorce in August? Such great advice. I don't know why other people don't do it that way, though I suspect it's because they're not really serious about the D, waiting for the "someday" that never comes.
jj33 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I think its also that there is a loss of control. If you tell your spouse that you are planning to leave in 8 months, they may just call a divorce lawyer the same day. Maybe that is what you meant WS
frannie Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 ... He wanted me to be the 1st to prove I would leave my husband and I kept telling him that I had to wait for certain things to take place... ... the whole thing ended with him becoming very ugly towards me, swearing he knew I must be seeing other men now, it got crazy really. I want things the way they were, but it wont happen. Dont know to tear him out of my mind. How to stop myself from trying to contact him. I'm truly miserable. Will it ever get better? Probably with time and your upcoming divorce you will be able to get it more into perspective. I'd have said wait til you're separated and then contact him and see where he is. BUT as others have said, MM tend to be very very slow at divorcing, to say the least, and usually end up staying married despite their words. I think you'd just end up being the OW again, newly-divorced and throwing away your chance of a new start. On the other hand, re-contacting him might be a good way to take off the rose-tinted spectacles (see BrotherD's thread), and realise that you and he were never going anywhere. But what I'd say from reading your OP is that this MM sounds insecure and jealous. There was no need for his nastiness and accusations, no need to ask you to 'prove' anything or suggest you were seeing other men. I know you had good times with him that you miss, but looked at dispassionately I would wonder how happy you ever could be with him (that's one reason I said maybe contact him again if you feel you need to, you'll soon see that even if you were divorced he'd be backpedalling). I'm not sure if your H loves you but sometimes the bomb the WS drops can be significant if they aren't prepared like you will be doing for the last 8 months. What would it do to your plans if you let him know today that your plan is to separate/divorce in August? I think it's a good idea not to drop a bomb like this, but I think OP said she'd talked divorce with her H before, and he refused to go to counselling. But perhaps it would be a good plan to start talking about it all again in this way rather than bomb-dropping. However, if someone has made up their mind that they want a divorce, then I think they have a perfect right to time that as they see fit. You'd think that people would be able to communicate and separate amicably in a time frame to suit both, or something... but looking at it realistically, if people can work well like that together they'd not be getting a divorce at all.
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