Cannon Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Hello all, I have been reading threads on this site for about a year now, never posted. I neither had the worst break up, nor the best. I don't necessarily think that the details of each persons situation are THAT critical, because in the end, what do they really matter? Just to give people a view of where I am coming from, I'm 25, was in a close relationship for 4 years, and was cheated on and left for someone else in literally an instant. The two are still together. I do believe that people need to deal with all parts of the grieving process and critically think about how their situation came to be, but at the same time, must truly focus on what they really, HONESTLY, want out of life and their situation. 9-10 months after my own breakup, it was up to me to end the cycle. Who texts whom, who is the call initiator, who tries to see the other person, is really all just noise. I can only speak from my own experience but I truly believe this notion is the beginning to the end of the looming and repeating pattern of a past relationship that just won't die. Of course I have asked myself why after so long, do I get calls / texts on a bi-weekly basis about how much I am loved and missed by the one who did me so wrong. Each one of us thinks we want that, and want to give it a second chance, even in the most betrayed of situations, but that isn't what we really want, because the pain inflicted upon us will always be between the two people, even if waking up next to them one morning would relieve that pain temporarily. All I am really trying to say, is this all ends, when you want it to end. If you don't truly want it to end, the pain just lingers, and won't go away with time as quickly as you may hope. When you truly decide that while you will always care for this other person in a very deep way, even if you've been scared, that this is over, the pain will begin to lessen...I promise. All the advice on this site is great, and people are very helpful. My main point is that while distractions and occupying your time and improving your life are VERY necessary, because at the end of the day, it is your life and you need to live it, nothing will make the hurt go away besides your own conviction to end it. It's unbearably sad, to really, really let someone go, to decide that they will just sit in your memory, but that is what it means to stop the cycle, and if they won't stop contacting you, when you've asked them to, then they don't really love you, or at least that is my opinion.
lonelygurl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Thank you for posting this. I hope to one day be sitting and feeling how you are one day soon.
Author Cannon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I'm not trying to say that I'm over it yet, because I'm not. But you have to be really proactive about deciding to move on, whether it be NC, or just a mental decision to say no more. Each person can dissect their situation a million different ways, and come up with a million different scenarios in their head, all played out and contradicting one another. The bottom line is that yes, I do believe in reconciliation. I do believe that people can be at different points in life, and make wrong choices, and then reconnect at a later point...but much later....and the only way to get their healthily is to say that enough is enough, and it's time to end it now...because the choice really is up to you, not them. Nothing is more annoying than false hope, and whatever your ex's intentions are, is of no material. I promise you that if you wake up 5,6, 10 months from today, and haven't made yourself a better person, whether it be working out, new friendships, travel, school, etc...you'll feel worse about yourself than you did about the breakup.
Nozz Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I thought that was a very good read myself. Your words inspire me to release my pain from a walk-out spouse. Keep up the positive talk!
Frankasy Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I liked reading what you posted. I agree with you, it's impossible to let go of everything right away, to act as if nothing's happened and not think about that person. Yes it does hurt when you lose a person like that but you have to move on. But still your second post left me a bit confused. Personally reconciliation is worthless. Although both partners might feel as if they're over everything, as if they're ready to give it another try and think that the second time will be the one, well the mistakes of the past will pop up, one way or another. Even if only of the partners realizes the mistakes of the past still if they don't talk it with their partner they'll just keep it bottled up inside and eventually just explode of anger. I happen to believe in something called faith where 2 people meet for a reason. If you actually see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone you don't reconcile because problems won't go that far. What I'm trying to say is that partners with each other get only one chance to achieve marriage in the end. Anything else is just wasted time.
Author Cannon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I'm sorry if I was confusing. What I meant by reconciliation and reconnection was that I believe it is possible to once again regain a friendship or at least an acquaintanceship IF it is something that you personally want and need...chances are that you won't when the time is correct. I agree with you, I don't believe that you can regain a romantic relationship with someone who has cheated or where problems persisted that ended the relationship. I don't believe in fate, karma, etc...because I have never seen it, maybe I'll change my mind if I do. I believe that we are in control of our own destiny and that is it. Maybe that is why I am adamant that it is up to you to decide that you have had enough of the yo-yo, see-saw existence with you and your respective ex. You'd be surprised by how strong you really are if you allow yourself the chance to exercise that strength. Listen, i was tragically hurt by my ex...it was vicious, cruel, selfish, and any other adjective you could use to describe despicable actions...but on a basic level, who really cares? Is there anything I can do about it? No...all you can do is say good luck, and please do me the courtesy of leaving me alone. Life is too awesome to go to sleep in the hopes that when you wake up, your ex texted you or called you. The only thing that matters is the present, because that is all we have. The past is over, the future is unknown, and the present is just exciting.
CaliGuy Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Happiness is a choice. We choose to be happy or sad for any length of time. I truly love the old adage: "If you're not in control of your emotions, your emotions are in control of you." There used to be a really cool LS user on here named Riobikini that coined the phrase (at least to me) "It is what it is…" meaning simply that you don't have control over most everything in your life (but yourself). Given the one thing you DO have control over (self), take the reins and move on with your life. Even Jesus touches on this when He said "A man who plows the field while looking behind him shall not inherit the kingdom of God…" In other words, if you're focused on the past, on your past, how on earth can you ever move forward? It's no different than trying to drive a car while staring at the rear view mirror. If you want to be happy, truly happy (with yourself and with life in general), then take the reins...
kizik Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I believe that we are in control of our own destiny and that is it. You'd be surprised by how strong you really are if you allow yourself the chance to exercise that strength. Life is too awesome to go to sleep in the hopes that when you wake up, your ex texted you or called you. The only thing that matters is the present, because that is all we have. The past is over, the future is unknown, and the present is just exciting. Everything I've just quoted is b/c it's f*cking awesome. I wish more people on this site were as reflective, optimistic and intelligent. I only regret that the OP stayed in contact with his ex for so long. As for me, I cut and run almost the very day we split, and as a result I am doing well at 8 months out. -kizik
Author Cannon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Kizik, it's impressive that you have cut and run going on 8 months now. That's a true test of your resolve. And that is what I am trying to reinforce here....that ability to just say "no more" and keep moving. I know its corny to quote a Rocky movie, but he said "it's not how hard you can hit, it's how hard you can get it, and keep moving forward...quitting is what cowards do"...quitting meaning giving into the familiarity of the ex. I've never once begged, pleaded, chased, or even asked why to my ex about her infidelities. It's as simple as "ok, you want to go? then go...I can't make ya love me". Easier said than done, I know, but what people don't understand is that is all you can really do! Over the past year, I never once proactively saught out the ex...it was always on her dime...but I responded, and met up with her, and hooked up with her, and that is on me...and that is on us all if we do it...but the rub is that it stops when we want it to stop...I wasn't ready to truly let go...that's why I accepted her advances, and I kind of think we all do in that capacity...but just saying "jesus, I am done with this" is when you have reached acceptance, and you can begin to really (Slowly, very slowly) say goodbye to the pain. It's like seeing your ex on a ship slowly pushing away from the dock...you're smiling, waving goodbye...the details and reasons you're apart don't matter...but you just know that its a final goodbye...and its sad for both of you. The saddest you might actually get is when you've reached acceptance...but it is only uphill from there.
SRV Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Cannon, well said. You could not have said it any better. It is amazing though, that once they realize that you are gone and not coming back is when they want you back. At that point it is always too late. Another way to look at is, before you met them, you had prior relationships for most people that you thought was the be and end all. Then they came along and you got that same feeling. Trust me, after them there will be other relationships that might/will be much more fulfilling. It always happens when you least expect it, meanwhile, concentrate on other areas of your life that you have control over such as forging better family relationships, jobs, careers, education and build on making yourself a better person overall, learn from prior mistakes so as not to repeat them in the future.
kizik Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 It is amazing though, that once they realize that you are gone and not coming back is when they want you back. I hate when people say this. My ex aint gonna contact me even if her life depended on it.
ahhhchooo Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Great post... agree with everything said 100%
Peter_pan Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I hate when people say this. My ex aint gonna contact me even if her life depended on it. with you on that quote of a quote good read, glad i read this thread
Surfer Dude Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 It's completely normal and natural to grieve the loss of a loved one. That process takes time and energy and you should take it seriously. Proper grieving is necessary if you ever want to experience acceptance and closure (albeit originating from within). But there comes a point when it's time to cowboy up and get on with your life. If you don't let go, this stuff becomes part of you and will seriously hamper you for a long time. Good work everyone. We made it even though we never thought we would.
EmperorR Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Excellent thread, you have to give up the false hope and live your life. Why be sad depressed etc. it's not going to bring them back all you are doing is hindering and putting yourself through more pain. Yes it is important to grieve, but if your constantly just sitting aroudn grieving and idling and not getting up and doing anything you will just prolong hte process. I also got cheated on and tossed like a disposable coffee cup after 3 years, it's been 5 months now, and thanks to help from this board, the encouragement etc., going nc two weeks in, i'm like 95% better, ya it still hurts, ya i still think about my ex, but im not lingering on it throughout the day. Can i say im 100% over my ex nope, but she no longer dictates my life, I'm putting myself first for the first time in 3 years and it feels great.
mmk1 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I hate when people say this. My ex aint gonna contact me even if her life depended on it. Totally true. It will never happen with my ex. She would cut off her arm first, so people do not plan on waiting around for this to happen.
alwayssme Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 "It is amazing though, that once they realize that you are gone and not coming back is when they want you back." I hate that damn saying too...they do realize we're gone....no sh*t, thats why they left us in the first place...come on now, lets be real....all the BS about going NC or acting like you dont care so they can want u back..its simply that...BS!! And if someone DID want u back because of it, they simply want u back to boost their ego and because they love the chase....NEXT!! And while I agree with most of you (for the most part) I think that we cant ALWAYS control our destiny..come on now...we can try our best for something but sometimes we just have to deal with the cards we're been dealt...im 50/50 on this...i believe that life is what u make it but that also sometimes things just happen and sometimes there are situations that are completely out of your hand...is your happiness completely and enterily up to you? no, not always...im sorry but if im hurting and going through stuff in life and i tell myself "im happy and everything is fine" i would only be lying to myself...embrace the pain, try to fix the thing su can and let go of what u cant change...self-motivating talk is great but sometimes it annoys the crap out of me (no offense to anyone) and the whole thing about being happy all alone is not true...yes for awhile i enjoy being happy on my own...but if im always alone, maybe this is just my personality, i would hate it...because truthfully what makes me the happiest is love..and im not talking about just romantic love..(altho that too of course) i mean having real friends, doing something i truly love, love from family....feeling ALIVE...thats what makes me happy..feeling like i belong...having something that makes me want to get out of bed every morning...
mmk1 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I posted just to put this back near the top of the active list. Its Day 39 NC for me and I still read this thread to keep me on track!
Author Cannon Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I'm glad you find this post helpful. In all seriousness, it really is as simple as wanting it all to be over with. It's ok if some people aren't at that point yet. If you think that you want to move on, but still secretly hope your ex will contact you, then that is ok, because your body and mind haven't processed enough of the pain and hurt yet. Maybe you went down the ignorance is bliss road, and refused to acknowledge the truth of what happened, but at some point, you can't keep running from the situation. Make yourself feel the true dispair if it is hovering about, because until you have processed the raw emotions, moving on is impossible. Some people go many months, even years saying "yah, I'm over the ex" but then see a pic, or hear news, or run into them / get a call etc...and get deeply hurt / elated / or whatever about that interatction because they really never processed the trauma. So, if you have processed that or are about to, good for you...that is the painful, but right step. If you are just trying to get through the days and weeks without acknowledging the gut wrenching pain that is waiting for you at the end of some road you dont want to take, then I suggest taking that road, pushing through, and being proactive about the healing. Good luck.
honey2910 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 @ Canon I keep on visiting this particular post by you to remind myself regarding that one has to really accept first that relation is over to actually move on. However there are few things which are not under control like mood swing, emotions and thinking process. I really think some thing else whenever my mind try to divert towards my ex but this is something which is not natural............ So I just want to know what you actually want to convey by saying we have to process trauma.. and any good technique you follow which can help all of us
Author Cannon Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Processing trauma is different for each person and each case. What happened in your relationship exactly? For example, if you were cheated on or left for someone else, are you shutting off the part of your brain that must visualize your ex with someone new? Are you avoiding looking on facebook at pics of them together? If you know something to be true, but convince yourself it doesnt exist or at least ignore it, it will just simmer in the back of your mind and come out at the worst time. Tell me your situation so I can analyze it better. You can't do much to avoid the mood swings and thoughts of an ex...if you start to get sad and think of the ex, let yourself think of the ex...let your mind work through the loss...but dont focus on what IS lost, focus on the feeling of loss. Dont think about how you miss the great times, think about how it ended, why it ended, and how that ending physically and emotionally effects you now. THEN, the next time these thoughts come, still allow yourself to think about them, but make yourself cut it off and say "ok, enough of that, back to watching tv now" or whatever. Being proactive is mental and physical. But, once again, let me know your situation so I can better advice as opposed to throwing out general ideas because each case is truly different. My main point is that you have to run through the pain and dispair and avoid being passive about the TRUTH...whatever the truth is.
honey2910 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Hi Canon thanks for reply..... Well reg my condition I still have to figure it out why it happened but best thing is it happened.... My ex left me after 4 yr of relation. She told me in the end that she was not happy in relation and was tortured which I am not able to digest(torture part). I think she was well prepared before quitting. she delayed this as she hasn't any support till he find this guy.....who advised her to quit this relation. Now she spends her weekend with this guy... I just asked her to reconsider her decision once. Worst part in last 5 months was I was friend with her. I have nailed my own coffin to increase the duration of my pain. She says I am a great person so great that she dont want to lose me but still feels guilty meeting me... Now I think it happened for best because now I came to know she was good with because of a relation tag and not because she loved me. I have ended every hope of reconciliation by saying it to her that She doesn't worth my love . We talk like 10 mins a week . ON NC for last 1 week I am detaching myself from her completely. I dont wait for her call anymore...... I cant say I am completely over her may be 70%. I am trying to come out of this situation on my own. Although I feel casual dating will help me a lot. But now I want to think on my career. I am an IT pro and want to do MBA . Now I will put my energy there. Thanks
Recommended Posts