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Posted

Short backstory:

My ex and I were together for about 3 years. The relationship wasn't very good for the most part, I was way too clingy & needy, he treated me like **** and never kept his promises. In the end he broke up with me because he had met someone else. I went NC.

 

Now, that was 4 years ago. Around September last year he contacted me through IM and we talked a little. A couple weeks later we met in person and talked some more. It went pretty well, we got along fine and he seemed to have changed for the better. The following months we talked a lot more, spent some time together.

At one point we were both drunk and ended up in bed but we realized right afterwards that it was a mistake and didn't mean anything. Getting back together was never an option, neither for him nor for me. The feelings just weren't there anymore and I had just begun dating someone else.

 

So, we became friends, more or less. The problem is, lately I have noticed that he hasn't changed that much after all. One of the main problems in our relationship was that he used to be unreliable. He would say "I'll call you tomorrow/later/at 8 pm" and then just didn't. Now he's doing exactly that again. Like, last week we were talking on the phone and he was still on his way somewhere so he said he'd call me back when he gets home. Which he didn't. Next time I heard from him was 5 days later.

This has been happening a few times lately and to be honest I'm sick of it. HE came to ME, it was him who wanted to be in contact again after all this time, so I think he should at least make an effort.

 

I see two options here: Either I tell him that this kind of behaviour annoys me and see how he reacts OR I just call it quits and tell him I don't want to be friends.

I'm actually rooting for the last one. What do you guys think? And what would be the best way to tell him?

Posted
I see two options here: Either I tell him that this kind of behaviour annoys me and see how he reacts OR I just call it quits and tell him I don't want to be friends.

I'm actually rooting for the last one. What do you guys think? And what would be the best way to tell him?

 

There is a third option:

 

Suck it up, deal with it and accept that this is the way he is.

 

You are not his GF, so you're just friends. He owes you nothing, you owe him nothing. He's unreliable. So what? Big deal, what's new?

He's no longer 'Mr. Centre of the Universe' so why make a big deal out of it?

 

Take it on the chin, be his friend, but have no expectations.

If he says he'll ring tomorrow, and doesn't, your life wasn't on hold for that moment, was it?

If he says "I'll ring you when I get back from Outer Mongolia" think, "yeh, ok sure."

 

How hard is that?

 

He's not under any obligation to you, so be casual.

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Posted
You are not his GF, so you're just friends. He owes you nothing, you owe him nothing. He's unreliable. So what? Big deal, what's new?

He's no longer 'Mr. Centre of the Universe' so why make a big deal out of it?

 

You're right, he doesn't owe me anything. And yes, we're just friends but I do believe that I should be able to rely on my friends just as much (if not more) as I rely on my SO.

And I make a big deal out of it because he KNOWS that this is something that drives me nuts, not just with him but with anyone.

 

Take it on the chin, be his friend, but have no expectations.

 

Obviously I don't have the same expectations I had when we were still together and it's easier to be more casual about some things now... but to me friendship comes with certain expectations, too.

I mean, don't you expect your friends to be there for you and keep their word? If not, what's the point in being friends?

Posted

Yes, but this is not yer normal run-of-the-mill friendship.

 

You used to go to bed together.

You broke up and had issues with him at the time, one of which was his unreliability.

 

Now a few years down tjhe line, it's the same-old same-old. Nothing has changed, because he doesn't see his shortcomings as an issue.

 

Now it's up to you whether you cut him out of your life as a friend. But this is something you already knew about, so why accept him back into your life to begin with?

 

If his friendship does not adequately compensate for the problems which always existed, then deal with it. But I think you're being a little unreasonable.

 

Once bitten......

A leopard cannot change his spots....

That kind of thing.

 

You do as you see and feel fit.

But he's not significant in your life, so really, it should be water off a duck's back.....

Posted
...And I make a big deal out of it because he KNOWS that this is something that drives me nuts, not just with him but with anyone....

 

So the issue is with you. Don't let other people's short comings become your issue. It's not worth it. It would serve you well in future relationships to get over this.

 

You cannot be a genuine freind to someone if you have strict requirements like this. If someone forgets to call you, why can't you be the initiator and call them?

Posted
...I mean, don't you expect your friends to be there for you and keep their word? If not, what's the point in being friends?

 

You are simply talking about casual phone calls and such, right? So, what you are really talking about is him be inconsiderate -- saying he'll call, and then he blows you off. Or, is it more like him saying he will pick you up from the airport, but then does a no-show?

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Posted

Now it's up to you whether you cut him out of your life as a friend. But this is something you already knew about, so why accept him back into your life to begin with?

 

I accepted him back into my life because he honestly seemed to have changed. He told me that he's aware of the mistakes he made and how ****ty he used to treat people. If I had known that he was still exactly the same I would have told him to leave me alone right away.

 

But he's not significant in your life, so really, it should be water off a duck's back.....

 

But it isn't... so what does that mean?

The thing is, I either want him in my life as a *real* friend who actually cares and shows consideration for my feelings or not at all. Is that so wrong?

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Posted
So the issue is with you. Don't let other people's short comings become your issue. It's not worth it. It would serve you well in future relationships to get over this.

 

You cannot be a genuine freind to someone if you have strict requirements like this. If someone forgets to call you, why can't you be the initiator and call them?

 

Look, it's not like I'm a crazy person who freaks out everytime someone forgets to call or something.... no one is perfect, me included, and I understand that. Usually when someone forgets to call me I do call them and I don't make a big deal out of it. It happens.

The problem with my ex is that it happens ALL THE TIME. I tried to be more casual about it, I told him to at least not say he's going to call if he doesn't plan to anyway... it's not like I force him to say it.

 

You are simply talking about casual phone calls and such, right? So, what you are really talking about is him be inconsiderate -- saying he'll call, and then he blows you off. Or, is it more like him saying he will pick you up from the airport, but then does a no-show?

 

It's usually just casual phone calls. But he's also the kind of person who will tell you he's coming over and then not show up. Never for important things though, so far.

Posted

Of good grief, for goodness' sake - !!

 

Look - he hasn't changed.

 

He's like he is.

You're like you are.

Either suck it up or tell him to get lost.

I'll be honest with you though, I think if it's purely and simply on a friendship par, you're coming across as too demanding, needy, and controlling.

Which is a real deal-breaker if you're in a relationship with someone - but you're not!

 

Either accept him for who he is, for all his faults, or tell him the friendship's off.

If I were him, I'd be relieved!

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Posted

Geisha, thank you for your input, I appreciate it. Maybe you're right and I am too demanding when it comes to this. Fact is, when I say I'll do something I do it. Unless I have a good reason not to. And I expect other people, whether they're friends, my partner or family, to do the same. For me that's common courtesy.

 

You apparently see this differently. I posted here to get other people's opinions, so it's fine and I appreciate that you took the time to let me know what you think.

 

If I were him, I'd be relieved!

 

This, however, is simply mean and I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm sorry if I annoyed you with my question/opinion/whatever but no one forced you to answer me.

Posted

I think a tricky part of dealing with an ex is that the expectations are higher because you've come to expect a certain degree of respect/consideration from someone, and although youre not together, its hard when they dont make the same efforts anymore.

 

I will say, though, I have a couple really flaky friends, and I take what they say with a grain of salt. "Yeah, you'll be here...believe it when I see it". I still like them and theyre good friends, but theyre flakes...I accept it for what it is. If I want to remain friends with them, this is what being their friend entails: realizing theyre unreliable and not counting on them to be anywhere at any time.

 

I think the first honest question to ask yourself is what do you want to come from this renewed friendship? Because as a guy, my ex gf (especially if you dumped him) would take a backseat to almost anyone else. I know it sounds harsh, but he really can't make you a priority anymore. If he was flaky when you were together, he's probably just going to be worse.

 

Scale down your expectations, or just let it be and walk away.

Posted
Geisha, thank you for your input, I appreciate it. Maybe you're right and I am too demanding when it comes to this. Fact is, when I say I'll do something I do it. Unless I have a good reason not to. And I expect other people, whether they're friends, my partner or family, to do the same. For me that's common courtesy.

Understand standards differ. Your standards are not everybody elses, and you have to tsake the rough with the smooth. it's called being part of humanity. Some people stink, some people come up smelling like roses. That's it and all of it, really.

 

You apparently see this differently. I posted here to get other people's opinions, so it's fine and I appreciate that you took the time to let me know what you think.

 

I'm being realistic here, you are not. What you're not getting is that your friendship boundaries with this guy are going to always be different to those with other people. You are always going to be hypercritical of him, because you know his traits annoyed you then, and they annoy you now. You invested a lot in your relationship. It didn't pay off. He closed it down. Hardly surprising therefore that your expectations of improved behaviour, or else, are going to be higher!

 

 

 

This, however, is simply mean and I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm sorry if I annoyed you with my question/opinion/whatever but no one forced you to answer me.

 

Look at it in context: Be honest -

If you were him, reading this thread, what would you think?

Posted
I think a tricky part of dealing with an ex is that the expectations are higher because you've come to expect a certain degree of respect/consideration from someone, and although youre not together, its hard when they dont make the same efforts anymore.

 

[....]

 

I think the first honest question to ask yourself is what do you want to come from this renewed friendship? Because as a guy, my ex gf (especially if you dumped him) would take a backseat to almost anyone else. I know it sounds harsh, but he really can't make you a priority anymore. If he was flaky when you were together, he's probably just going to be worse.

 

Scale down your expectations, or just let it be and walk away.

 

I think some of the posts in this thread are a bit harsh but agree with BCCA above. I had to realise this recently as well, I spent some time with an ex and realised that I wasn't priority for him anymore. that's cool but of course you can't accept a lower status than before so we really can't be friends. shame but it's the way it goes.

 

as for flaky friends: I agree with OP, I can't stand those either, same applies for exes or boyfriends, if someone is flaky, they have to go. so really, he is no different, you are angry with him but you have to learn to walk away. you don't get on with flakes and that's the end of it

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Posted
I think the first honest question to ask yourself is what do you want to come from this renewed friendship? Because as a guy, my ex gf (especially if you dumped him) would take a backseat to almost anyone else. I know it sounds harsh, but he really can't make you a priority anymore. If he was flaky when you were together, he's probably just going to be worse.

 

I think some of the posts in this thread are a bit harsh but agree with BCCA above. I had to realise this recently as well, I spent some time with an ex and realised that I wasn't priority for him anymore. that's cool but of course you can't accept a lower status than before so we really can't be friends. shame but it's the way it goes.

 

It's not about being a priority for him. I know I'm not, and I honestly don't expect it. I don't expect him to put me in front of anything or anyone.

 

as for flaky friends: I agree with OP, I can't stand those either, same applies for exes or boyfriends, if someone is flaky, they have to go. so really, he is no different, you are angry with him but you have to learn to walk away. you don't get on with flakes and that's the end of it

 

Thank you, that's exactly what I thought.

Posted

I am in a similar situation. I recently reconnected with an old flame. We ran into each other on FB. We chatted on the phon a few times and got together last week for some laughs and lunch. Really, we had a great time. I know why we broke up years before, and no-a leopard doesn't change it's spots. He does the same things, doesn't call when he says he will..etc... I have accepted that is who he is.

IMO, if he is wants me, he will make me a priority; if not, then friends it is. He calls he calls, he doesn't he doesn't. I really have better things to do with my time then to fret over unmade phone calls...

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