busy_married_student Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I am a 21 year old married medical student. I met my husband at the age of 15. I never dated anyone else. We married when I had just turned 19. He had sex a couple times before we got married and it was great. He was then in a horrible accident which included a brain injury just before we got married. He was unable to have sex reallly, but we got married as planned. Sincethen he is finally after a year of trouble, able to have sex mostly normally although he still has some anxiety from the problem he had. I have never really been that attracted to him, but was too naive to realize this was abnormal. When I got married at 19 I had 3 years of my four year degree finished. I was quite busy and still am now that I am in medical school. I never really took the time to contemplate our compatibility issues fully. I tried but I was an adolescent. I realize that as we are becoming adults that we aren't teh best match. I don't have the time or energy outside of medical training to make it work. I am unhappy and have not been satisfied physically fully ever, but it is fair to say I have been quite unsatisfied for the past year. Then I wentto a foreign country for a few weeks doing mission work. Yes I realize it is horribly hypocritical to be ready to devote my life to work in a third world country and at the same time cheat on my husband. I met someone who is also dedicated and sacrificing to help the poor and an all around great person and doctor. We were both very attracted to each other and although we tried to resist ended up having sex. It was great. I am trying to feel more guilty about it. I just wish I had waited to meet another person in teh medical field (husband definitely not in the medical field) that I was a better match for. My husband knows that I am thinking about a divorce but he doesn't know i cheated while away although he said he wouldn't be surprised too much if I had (didn't fess up when he said this) just due to the huge difference in our sex drives and my level of disatisfaction and my attitude upon return. I love my husband. But, I don't think I want to "make it work". We have a lot of difficult history and a lot of work to do and i honestly am too tired to succeed in medicine and make it work. I came from a verbally abusive household in which my parents had just lost their house and were on the verge of divorce. I feel like I hung onto the first calm, decent guy that paid attention to me. Is it horrible to be willing to admit I made a mistake getting married and move on? Do I tell him about my very brief and now over affair? I am not sure if I should as I am not that sorry, though it goes against my religion and everything I have been told. Maybe I am just tired of doing the right thing. Please, don't reply telling me how awful I was to cheat and offering no advice. I know it was wrong. Confused.
porter218 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Did it really take from June till today to say this?? That is a long time to think about starting a thread.
Author busy_married_student Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 In june I was having marital issues and thought about posting but didn't. My trip was in December.
blind_otter Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Well whatever. We all make mistakes, most especially in our late adolescence, which in my mind continues into the mid twenties as the frontal lobe isn't fully developed until that point. I think that it's OK to get divorced, especially since you don't have any children together. I, too, married when I was very young (I was 21) and we were divorced in a few years. Some people can make things work and are truly happy when they marry young. Others (like me, and perhaps you) don't really know themselves until they move into adulthood, and realize that the people who matched well with them when they were 19 are perhaps not the best match later in life. But I do think that you should come clean to your husband.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You have already decided. Divorce him and let him move on with his life as best he can. But please, don't say you love him. The whole reason you are writing all these excuses and justifications are because you don't love him. Your going to be a doctor, right? As a doctor, if some girl came up to you and told you that they had a pain in their back. And wanted your advice regarding a course of treatment. you gave her a physical, and found out that she was anorexic. Would you let her give you every reason under the sun why she is that way? Yes. Then what? You would tell her the truth. Right? The fact is that you want to go have sex with other people. Put your religion aside. Because you are not that much of an adherent anyways. Just be honest with yourself at least. Regarding telling him that you cheated. Why? So you can leave a cotton wad in the incision and then sew him up, and send him on his way. There is no need to tell him. He already knows that you don't love him anymore. Just do a lot of free medicine for people and the poor. Look at it this way. You can't save everyone. And in truth you probably won't get through your medical career without killing someone due misdiagnosis and or malpractice. So get use to dealing with guilt. If you don't want guilt. Don't do things that make you feel guilty. I hope you have a great medical career (I am serious). Good luck.
LavendarGirl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Hi Busy, It is better to stand up now and say you made a mistake rather than keep quiet, stick it out, and then say the same thing 10 years down the road. Just, if that is how you really feel -- you'll want to weigh it out in your head just how certain you are about your decision -- and then act upon it. Either way, divorce your husband or work on your problems. Regarding your incompatable sex drives. I am a little confused whether his lack of sex (drive) is a low libido issue or it's a physical issue as a result of his accident. But if you do decide to stick it out with your H, you're looking at these choices for yourself... Say/do nothing regarding the sex issues, and continue to be unhappyWork on the marriage and the sex issues as a couple, though unless he is truly motivated to increase his sex drive and you are truly willing to find him attractive/appealing and worth the extra work, you probably won't have sucess in this arenaIdentify your sexual mismatch needs with your H, and both agree that you can get your needs met outside the marriageGet your sexual needs met outside your marriage without letting your husband know (not recommended for obvious reasons)You are young and you have many years ahead of you. If you are truly unhappy in this relationship, you will want to spare yourself and your husband years of misery and do the right thing.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I am a 21 year old married medical student. I met my husband at the age of 15. I never dated anyone else. We married when I had just turned 19. He had sex a couple times before we got married and it was great. He was then in a horrible accident which included a brain injury just before we got married. He was unable to have sex reallly, but we got married as planned. Sincethen he is finally after a year of trouble, able to have sex mostly normally although he still has some anxiety from the problem he had. I have never really been that attracted to him, but was too naive to realize this was abnormal. When I got married at 19 I had 3 years of my four year degree finished. I was quite busy and still am now that I am in medical school. I never really took the time to contemplate our compatibility issues fully. I tried but I was an adolescent. I realize that as we are becoming adults that we aren't teh best match. I don't have the time or energy outside of medical training to make it work. I am unhappy and have not been satisfied physically fully ever, but it is fair to say I have been quite unsatisfied for the past year. Then I wentto a foreign country for a few weeks doing mission work. Yes I realize it is horribly hypocritical to be ready to devote my life to work in a third world country and at the same time cheat on my husband. I met someone who is also dedicated and sacrificing to help the poor and an all around great person and doctor. We were both very attracted to each other and although we tried to resist ended up having sex. It was great. I am trying to feel more guilty about it. I just wish I had waited to meet another person in teh medical field (husband definitely not in the medical field) that I was a better match for. My husband knows that I am thinking about a divorce but he doesn't know i cheated while away although he said he wouldn't be surprised too much if I had (didn't fess up when he said this) just due to the huge difference in our sex drives and my level of disatisfaction and my attitude upon return. I love my husband. But, I don't think I want to "make it work". We have a lot of difficult history and a lot of work to do and i honestly am too tired to succeed in medicine and make it work. I came from a verbally abusive household in which my parents had just lost their house and were on the verge of divorce. I feel like I hung onto the first calm, decent guy that paid attention to me. Is it horrible to be willing to admit I made a mistake getting married and move on? Do I tell him about my very brief and now over affair? I am not sure if I should as I am not that sorry, though it goes against my religion and everything I have been told. Maybe I am just tired of doing the right thing. Please, don't reply telling me how awful I was to cheat and offering no advice. I know it was wrong. Confused. I think you just weren't ready to get married. I think its time for the D word.
Author busy_married_student Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 thanks for the help, but allow me to clarify a few things. First off I had issues with my family when I moved out 17. I have since dealt with and resolved them by myself. Also allow me to explain more the trip situ. I have, while not directly been responsible for someone's death, been unable to stop it. That is medicine. Especially in poor countries. You just deal with it, usually by not allowing your self to feel or separating your work and home life to teh extreme. Working 16 hour days, on call 24/7, with very limited supplies is an intense situation for anyone. The doctor there was frustrated to. As the only other doctor or at least doctor in training, we were both relived to find somebody else who could relate. Sex is a way to forget about everything for a short while. It was wrong and a mistake. I do love my H. Unfortunately, I think I married my best friend. I love him as a friend more than a spouse. If I didn't love him I wouldn't be trying to find the best solution. He needs me a lot more than I need him. The thing I don't understand is that we work in many ways that couples don't. We don't fight about our lackof money. We split chores evenly without fighting (well at least rarely). We care about each other and go out of our way to try to help each other succeed in our careers. We enjoy doing the same things with our free time. hence he doesn't really see too much outside of sex issues as a problem. I guess he didn't realize I nearly failed a class last summer because of trying to sort through our issues. I think I hide things too well and don't trust him or anyone for that matter with what bothers me. I know if I stay that it is going to take a lot of time to work things out and quite frankly I am not willing to sacrifice my career in medicine for anyone. We both assumed one day when we had more time things would improve, but I realize that for at least the next 5 years I will not have more time, I will have less.
LavendarGirl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I do love my H. Unfortunately, I think I married my best friend. I love him as a friend more than a spouse. If I didn't love him I wouldn't be trying to find the best solution. He needs me a lot more than I need him. The thing I don't understand is that we work in many ways that couples don't. We don't fight about our lackof money. We split chores evenly without fighting (well at least rarely). We care about each other and go out of our way to try to help each other succeed in our careers. We enjoy doing the same things with our free time. hence he doesn't really see too much outside of sex issues as a problem. I guess he didn't realize I nearly failed a class last summer because of trying to sort through our issues. I think I hide things too well and don't trust him or anyone for that matter with what bothers me. I know if I stay that it is going to take a lot of time to work things out and quite frankly I am not willing to sacrifice my career in medicine for anyone. We both assumed one day when we had more time things would improve, but I realize that for at least the next 5 years I will not have more time, I will have less. Yes, it sounds like you have a great roommate there. You hide things from him because you are not intimately connected (he's not that close to you emotionally or sexually). Things are probably not going to get better -- and will definitely not get better without both of you committed to making it work. And I'm not hearing you say you want to fix it.
travelgirl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Well it sounds like you made your mind up already but let me say this. You mentioned multiple times that you aren't ready to work on medicine (your career) and make this marriage work - it is too much. It sounds like you NEVER tried to make your marriage work and really, what you are going to do with your personal life after this? You lala affair isn't what life is cracked up to be. You will be a doctor and eventually you will have to "work" on other relationships, marriage, family etc.... Nothing comes naturally, even when you are blissfully in love. The whole problem with marriage is that people DON'T want to work on it and that is why divorce is so common now. It is easier to throw in the towel and start over. But, 2nd marriages have a higher chance of divorce then the 1st and more so for the 3rd. I am NOT saying to stay and work it out but I think you need to re-evaluate your life, what you have let slip and what you have fought for and decide where you truly want your life to go. If you married this man because he was the only one who had the love/patience to stay with you, what is going to happen in 6 months when you are alone, the affair man wants nothing to do with you and you are having a hard time finding dates with anyone? Would you rather chance being alone or would you rather find someone you think is better, like affair doctor? Because if you are looking for a better man, maybe it is YOU who needs to become better and content with your life. Maybe in 2 years when you are a struggling single intern working endless hours, you will realize your husband wasn't so bad and actually miss that he was always there for you. That you walked all over him and never appreciated or opened up to him or gave your marriage a chance. That you were so career focused and he was injured that you just went your separate ways without a bat of an eye. So before you sell him out, leave him high and dry and move on to what you believe will be hot sex, endless dates, relationships etc.... I would try a trial separation and see how you both do.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Hey your excuse got better. Big deal. You give yourself no latitude to work out your marriage. I know you say you love him. But the fact remains. You are going to divorce him and you want someone to absolve you and tell you what your doing is for the greater good. BS. You know exactly what you are going to do. Please allow me to be up front with you on your husbands behalf. You need to divorce him. Because looking at all the excuses you give, you will only blame him for any set back you have in your career. Physician heal thyself.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 While I'm usually a big believer in trying to work things out, you sound like you're already out the door. You're both young enough to recover from this; be fair to your husband and set him free to find someone else... Mr. Lucky
65tr6 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 The whole problem with marriage is that people DON'T want to work on it and that is why divorce is so common now. I totally agree. Talk about coming up with excuses. Is this the top reason for divorcing ? "I was too young to get married..I didnt know what the hell i was doing". So now you think you are matured ? Or you think you will be 10 years from now ? How many relationships/divorces does it take to realize that ? Stick it out. Talk to your husband about how you feel, see a therapist. Read, read and read. Educate yourself. Find the time. And then where you both are one or two years from now. If you still feel, you want the D that is fine. Alteast you know you tried.
jwi71 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Stick it out. Talk to your husband about how you feel, see a therapist. Read, read and read. Educate yourself. Find the time. And then where you both are one or two years from now. If you still feel, you want the D that is fine. Alteast you know you tried. Except she doesn't have the time or the energy 65. OP- You have a decision to make and I'm not convinced you really want out. How long does it take to actually file the papers? I can tell you...less than one day. Its that simple. You call lawyer, you fill out forms, he files them. Done. My question is: what are you waiting for?
malibustacydoll Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You almost failed a class because of your relationship? That sounds like a rather lame excuse to me. I don't know any professors who would take relationship issues as a valid excuse for failing-- lack of studying or preparing may be the truth. Don't put everything in your life that you have done wrong, ie any grades or cheating as being a result of something your SO caused you to do. We all make our own choices.
BettyBoop Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 He needs me a lot more than I need him. That very same quote is what made me leave my 1st boyfriend, my 2nd boyfriend and my fiancé. Because the moment that I realised that - I realised that we were both wasting each other's time. Best of luck
DayDreamer75 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Of course I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship. But you said that you two have a lot in common in terms of interests. Believe me, based on my experiences, this is already a lot. Does he treat you well? Does he respect you? If overall he's a nice guy, it won't be easy to find another nice guy that easily. Think thoroughly of what all you're missing and talk it over with him. Maybe, he can and wants to give you everything you need in order to make your marriage happier.
lkjh Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Im sorry but you do not love your H. You used him to get out of a tough spot with your family and now you are done with him. I know it sounds mean but watching someone die does not give you the green light to cheat. Divorce him and let him find someone better. When the two of you do divorce, do not keep him around just to patch up your personal problems. You were young and needed someone to help you but being young is not a excuse to do these things. Age does not matter......maturaty does. I take it that you are mature since you are in medical school, married, and have already completed a missonary trip. Do not use the being young or someone dying as a excuse. You wanted to do it and you did. There is a reason why you do not feel guilty; its because you don't care.
lkjh Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Of course I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship. But you said that you two have a lot in common in terms of interests. Believe me, based on my experiences, this is already a lot. Does he treat you well? Does he respect you? If overall he's a nice guy, it won't be easy to find another nice guy that easily. Think thoroughly of what all you're missing and talk it over with him. Maybe, he can and wants to give you everything you need in order to make your marriage happier. I agree with this if you tell him the TRUTH about everything. Even your cheating.
DayDreamer75 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I have a feeling that you are going to regret down the line leaving without really talking honestly with your hubby. I double you are going to meat another caring, understanding partner with whom you share so much in common as you posted here. I've been in many relationships and believe me I never met a guy who even did 30% of what I do in my household (no offence to men who are not like that ). If you connect at so many levels except that "passionate" level does it really make sense to walk out like this? As far as him needing you more is concerned, if he cares about you and shares your interests and chores, it seems to me that he gives you pretty much as much as you give him. And long-term relationships are like that. Sometimes he needs you more, sometimes you need him more. Who's gonna look after you if you fall seriously ill (hopefully it's never gonna happen)
Author busy_married_student Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 So, I realize after reading some of the replies why I have never bothered to use a forum before. Some advice was helpful, I'll admit. thanks. So I posted all teh bad things I have done, saying nothing of the ways I have tried to make my marriage work or the bad things my H has done. 2 reasons. 1. I don't want people that don't know my H saying bad things about him. 2. I wanted to know the worst response i would get from people. So I told my H I cheated on him. He was sad, cried, and said he blamed himself. What?! he then asked if the other guy satisfied me and what he did. (okay, that freaked me out) We spent days discussing our other issues. Conclusion. I'm leaving. (he agrees, I'm only teh one leaving because I said it should be me not him) will reevaluate in June. after board exams. You want to know why he blames himself? keep reading. Back when we had problems in May we talked a lot and decided one our big issues was sex. We both decided to be honest about what we wanted and try to work on it. He lied. He was too afraid to try (what?) and read porn in the bathroom, pleasuring himself twice a day instead, while refusing me quite frequently. meanwhile, unaware of why nothing I was doing was working to increase my H's appetite for sex I did every suggestion he gave during our talks in May. Lost weight (30lbs!), tried seducing him more, tried every sex thing he wanted. Got refused, sometimes daily. Nothing like being refused b/c your H has a headache. he is not the articulate sort, and his only comment during this time was to keep trying. sometimes it went well for up to two weeks. He told me that he no longer has a physiological problem but now still has anxiety from when impotence was a problem. especially with me since I was there when he had the problem. he feels he can't please me and so won't try. part of his anxiety is my fault. we had sex before his accident like 4 times. although we were definitely fumbling virgins, it was great. apparently major trauma can cause a plummet in testosterone that decrease physical performance and desire for up to 6 months. noone told us this. so we got married 2 months after the accident. he had a breakdown when he realized he couldn't have sex, saying it was teh last straw since his recovery had cost him his job too, and he was a bit um mentally impaired and couldn't go to school. I got him through all that, as best as I could. (he is now brilliant again! fully recovered in that area! he is amazing gifted and intelligent so i am glad he didn't lose that) He helped me too. However, in the months before we saw a doctor, he blamed me repeatedly for his inability to preform telling me to read a book on seduction because what i was doing wasn't working (1 week into marriage). refusing me in lingerie. the kind of things that kind of kill your desire for a person. so apparently he realizes I haven't really enjoyed sex as much since and blames it on his own skills in bed, hence further anxiety. truth be I'm just not attracted to him anymore. too many months being refused, he makes me feel ugly. He also thought I had some kind of arousal disorder or something. nope. just not attracted. I guess I was also off put by him not noticing or caring that when I'm not aroused sex is painful. so yeah, we are messed up. and yes for the dozenth time. THAT IS NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT!!! I know. It was wrong. I made a mistake. The above is him excusing it not me. For the first time in 2.5 years (since before accident) I felt highly attracted to someone. I fell for the temptation to have sex with someone who made me feel beautiful and wanted. It was wrong. There is no excuse. luckily you don't know where i live and can't come by and stone me.
Author busy_married_student Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 let me reiterate. There is no excuse for cheating. I was not trying to make excuses. I don't want or deserve a pity party. It's my job to listen to other people's sad stories. In comparison my own problems are laughable, I know. hence I never told anyone my marital troubles. never wanted to bother a counselor with them. my H never hit me until all me teeth fell out. He never raped me. he never slept around giving me std's that caused fallopian tube scarring and infertility. So trust me, I am not complaining. I do think that it is better I walk away now and let us each find somebody who wasn't there at our lowest points and who we match better. I hinted at my family troubles. I doubt anyone reading this gives a da$n or wants to know teh details. I will say I had clinical depression with anxiety attacks when I met H at teh ripe old age of 15. I struggled with it (parents refused to take me to doctor) until about 18. His family and he told me I had to change just about everything about my personality to be a good christian and be accepted by them. I believed them. I was insecure and afraid of being alone. their family at first appearances anyway, calm loving and stable, everything mine was not so I thought they must be right. (I had backwards relationship with parents, no older siblings, and after attending 4 high schools in 3 years, no friends so he really was all i had). By the time I realized I should leave I felt too indebted to do so since he had been there for me when noone else was. marriage takes change. marriage takes sacrifice. I am willing to in teh future and have in the past sacrificed in regards to chores, hobbies, bad habits etc. I am not willing to sacrifice my goal of starting a clinic in west africa. I am no longer willing to hide/change the core parts of my personality. I am not serene, placid, spineless, dull, extremely patient and easy going like them and my H. I am very independent, driven, too stubborn, passionate, I have a temper and i am strong. I can be alone. and hopefully oneday I will find somebody who can match wills (and hopefully sex drives!!) with me. I thought as a teen i wanted somebody who let me make all the decision, who did what I said, who was calm, placid, boring and wouldn't scream at me. (God, I was sick of being screamed at). I realize now that I have gotten through those years that I need somebody entirely different. and so does he. he needs somebody who will let him be in charge, who doesn't have a temper and who puts his fragile heart above their career. So, I am leaving. he left the decision on whether we should stay married up to me. which, quite frankly, gives me only another reason why I am getting the heck out of here.
Athena Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 luckily you don't know where i live and can't come by and stone me. LOL This made me laugh. Okay, so busy married student, there are not a helluva lot of people who could meet someone at age 15 and within a few years marry them and REMAIN married to them! What does anyone know about choosing a lifemate at that young age? I don't blame you for figuring out you have to leave your H. Yes, you partook in an exit affair, for reasons you figured out for yourself. Hopefully you are a one-time learner and will never repeat that choice again. You have other choices and you are an intelligent young woman with many options.
Reggie Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I think it is best you leave, as well. You do not love your H as a spouse and you've cheated on him. The perpelxing thing is why was it neccessary to cheat before making this move? You have no kids and your H is not violent. Why did you not simply act honrably and divorce? It is such a simple process and you would have felt much better about all this. You sure you have the problem solving skills to make it in medicine?
Author busy_married_student Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 are you in medicine or just talking crap? You think being a doctor means you can't make mistakes in your social life? they actually have a pretty high rate of suicide and divorce and alcoholism. oh yeah. and I was drunk. for the first time. don't think I was thinking too clearly. I hear alchohol is a CNS depressent and lowers your inhibitions. and no, I didn't realize I had drunk that much. Woman who made me teh drink told me it had 1/4 teh alchohol it actually did. laughed her head off to see how drunk I was. (she was my boss's boss, so I couldn't really refuse the drink, and I trusted her not to get me wasted since I told here I hadn't eaten in 9hrs and she knew I was on call) Note to self. Don't get drunk. make own drinks. I refused affair guy twice before accidently getting drunk. couldn't exactly avoid him though. Yes I am serious, I had never been drunk before. Funny enough, I haven't actually had sex with anybody but my husband before either. So don't judge my talents in medicine based on what i do when plastered. I am so killing this screen name and picking a new one so you people don't follow me.
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