sweetgirl99 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I have posted here a few times, and am hoping for some more advice. I recently have been talking to my online guy from a web cam. We've been talking for a long time, and as embarassing as it is to talk about (because generally i am a private person), he and I have had phone sex on several occasions over the past year or so. Well, since I got my cam, (he's always had one) we are able to see eachother and things feel as if they are progressing toward something more. Im comfortable around him, but since getting the cam, he doesnt seem to be interested in phone sex anymore. He told me that he doesnt mean that it wont ever happen again, but he just likes to see me and talk to me and wants to see more of me. I know this is natural in relationships, but I dont think i would get naked at all unless we meet in person first. We plan to do this, but idk when. I just wonder why he isnt into the phone anymore? IDK, maybe i'm reading too much into it, he seems to think that...please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl99 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 thank you for your reply. No, he isnt a creep at all, he's been very patient. It took me a little over a year to get a cam, even. I just dont know why he has a dis-interest in the whole phone thing now..he was never overly into it, but now he's like "id just rather do it here and see you blah blah" im sure he'd call to make me more comfortable if we did anything on cam, but im not into that yet. So we got ourselves into a bit of a "pickle" as he said. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Personally, I wouldn't progress contact any further until he's legally divorced and can properly come and visit you. I'm flying transcons for just over 200.00 right now, so I know a plane ticket is roughly the price of internet access and a cell phone for a month or two. It's affordable. I flew to other countries when I was single to visit women who I had interest in. If he wants to meet you, he'll take the proper steps. By going to the web cam, you gave him more, so he's not satisfied with less (phone). Also, some men do not like phone conversations (absent the sex part). Any pattern to his contact? I have some suspicions to quash Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl99 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 thank you for your reply as well Patterns to his contact?? Well, he and I have been talking a lot more lately...especially since he moved to his own place back in august. He's been more consistent in the last couple of months and I told him that he needed to be before I got a cam etc. He seems to be trying. I'm just in such a hard place because I'm starting to fall for him and I dont know whats going to happen. We were talking the other night and I told him, that I hoped he wasnt fuc**ng with my head. He assured me he wasnt and I believe him. I mean, we've been talking for a long time and he hasnt gotten anything out of it if he isnt emotionally attached a little i dont know why he'd still be talking to me. I feel that a lot of our conversations sound as if we are already "in" a relationship, so idk. Last night i was just not letting the subject go as to why he didnt want to call me and i told him that i felt like he was turning me down. He said "thats not it, I'm just tired and need to get to sleep" and he didn't want to "argue with me". So, he told me goodnight. We're in a stuck positoin if im not into the cam thing yet, and he isnt wanting phone anymore. He said he didnt mean that he never would want to again and that i read too much into stuff. I wasnt sure what he meant by "thats not it" i felt like it was something else. So i asked him and he said that just means its nothing. MEN!! LOL... as far as us meeting. I just want to be sure that he's in a good spot as welll as myself. I know that he's someone I can easily fall for and I dont want to get myself hurt. I dont know how long is appropriate time to be respectful about he coming out of a marriage... this is all SO new to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Are the two of you committed to each other? Are you supposed to be exclusive? I don't really get why a guy who is seriously interested in you and would like a relationship with you is not insisting that you meet in person, expecially considered that he has already moved into his own place, so it shouldn't be a problem for him to leave for a few days. It is great that you'd rather not have cam sex before you have at least met - please do not give in even if he were to insist. I think it is possible to record web cam sessions, so it is a risky thing to do, expecially with someone about whom you couldn't get a good in person gut feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl99 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Hi there ... Just to clear something up, maybe I was vague about it. Us meeting in person is not an issue of he not wanting to. We both want to. I just wanted to wait until it was most appropriate. It feels as if we are moving forward and this will happen soon. Neither of us are saying we dont want to spend the money etc. We are not exclusive yet, and part of my reason for being hesitant and not pushing the issue of meeting right this second is because i wanted to make sure I was being smart about he just coming out of a marriage. This is where I dont know the appropriate amount of time to wait. I know that all people are different, and I just dont want to be a rebound. I think that very soon I'm going to have to decide what expectations I have for this to continue. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 It's a visit, not a marriage proposal. A beginning Beware of piling on too many expectations. This is a marked pitfall of distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Frankasy Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 It's very simple. I'm surprised at how you still haven't figured it out. Think of it like this, he's tasted french fries but he discovered the hamburger. It's gonna be hard for him to ditch the hamburger and go back to the fries. Same thing with the phone and cam sex. Just hearing another person's voice gets very boring, being able to see that person visually is better. It's like choosing between a radio and a tv. Anyways I don't think that you should be worrying about this but start planning on meeting him. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Just hearing another person's voice gets very boring, being able to see that person visually is better. IMO, this is exactly why they need to meet. If there is a connection, trust me, the voice will not be "boring". They really won't know until they experience each other and all the attendant signals, in person. A year of this cam/phone type of contact is way too long for never having met in person, IMO. If the guy is emotionally detached from his wife, he can meet her, even as a "friend". Nothing wrong with that. His waffling, to me, smacks of a FWB type deal. I wouldn't be surprised if he's still sleeping with his wife and has a GF IRL. Happy to be wrong Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I think its simple. He doesn't want phone sex because he feels like he can have 'web cam' sex. This way he can see you, see your facial expressions, and don't have to imgaine your body. He's looking right at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Frankasy Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 IMO, this is exactly why they need to meet. If there is a connection, trust me, the voice will not be "boring". They really won't know until they experience each other and all the attendant signals, in person. A year of this cam/phone type of contact is way too long for never having met in person, IMO. If the guy is emotionally detached from his wife, he can meet her, even as a "friend". Nothing wrong with that. His waffling, to me, smacks of a FWB type deal. I wouldn't be surprised if he's still sleeping with his wife and has a GF IRL. Happy to be wrong No actually this is what I meant: I think its simple. He doesn't want phone sex because he feels like he can have 'web cam' sex. This way he can see you, see your facial expressions, and don't have to imgaine your body. He's looking right at it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 My perception is likely skewed due to the reality that I've never had interest in such things. Phones, e-mail, web cams are all communication devices meant to imbue interest in meeting in real life. I remember when web cams were jerky stills and black and white and talking around the globe was full of static. Why a man would prefer web cam "sex" to phone "sex" is beyond me. I prefer the real thing and I'll bet my bottom dollar he's getting the real thing back at the farm Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl99 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thank you agian for all of your replies. I appreciate them all as far as he sleeping with his ex-wife, she lives in another state than he does, and she cheated on him so I dont think thats the case at all. He and I are free to see and do as we wish being that we are not committed. I think my whole thing was me giving more time in the beginning and not wanting to set any expectations because I felt that he needed to date since he was freshly single. And I mean freshly as of August when he moved into his own place. Who knows. Maybe I dont have any business dating someone who has been married before and not sure what they want right now. Maybe he just needs to be single for a while without me pressuring him. IDK. I dont want to press any issues I guess because I'm afraid of getting hurt. The idea of he and I meeting hasnt been seriously discussed lately, and I have a feeling its because he's freaking out because things are getting real. We've talked about that before. I know that the best thing to do is to meet him and see what happens in real life. I know that Im not going to be THAT girl who waits for something that may never happen. That has happened to me before..and it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl99 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Its so hard for me to process the idea of this whole dating world. I have been screwed over before and for that reason, I'm insecure. I havent heard from this guy in like a week (since our little squabble). I know that it isn't a huge deal but i HATE not being on great terms with a person. If i call or text or email its gonna look like i'm being too clingy. I'm irritated that he hasnt contacted me since that night of our little argument. I think that my past of having someone in my life who was very hot and cold with me is making me paranoid with this guy. Im feeling like he's gone and doesnt want to talk to me anymore at all. This is what happened with the last guy that i was best friends with, he'd get mad or whatever and not talk to me for months. IDK..I'm being THAT stupid girl right this moment and sound like an idiot when its only been a week. Does anyone else think that I should have heard from him by now?? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Given the circumstances, I wouldn't attach importance to the silence. Make yourself available to men IRL and fill up that time He'll be back Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl99 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies, CH.. You're awesome Link to post Share on other sites
Habibti Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 This whole thing is a train wreck. Anyone who can invest a year into you but can't meet you, I'm sorry but it's a train wreck. I do think it's strange you haven't heard from him and this whole thing has hot mess written all over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl99 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure where anyone is getting the idea that he can't meet me.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I would agree that *can't* is an inappropriate word for his inaction Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts