hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 "Your husband is so controlling, I think you are entitled to have outside friendships whether there women or men. I can see why you wanted to get away for awhile. All you did, is have dinner with the guy. Though based on how your husbands act, I would not blame you if you did want a little something, something on the side. Why did you marry him anyway? You two seem so wrong for each other. The next time this happens you can count on me to be there for you. Now lets go have a drink, and have some fun."
Billie63 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Now that the wife's friend knows your stance, your wife has no choice but to end this friendship. This friend reacted very aggressively when she should have shown a bit more humility and understood your pain. I think you were wrong to write to her calling her a skank by the way - as far as she was concerned she was there for her friend, not you. But now, I suspect she will attempt to damage your marriage because of the way you have spoken to her. And while you're trying to build this marriage up, you can't have people like her around. Just to add, I don't blame this friend for her part - for all you know she may have tried to talk your wife out of doing all this, but your wife carried on regardless. The same thing happened to me when my friend decided to get together with a MM, I didn't agree with it, I told her so and tried to distract her from him. When it was obvious they were deeply in love I admitted defeat, also I wanted my friend to be happy so I played along with their game. And that included looking the MM's BW in the eye and pretending to be her friend (I'm deeply ashamed of that). But my defence to this day is that I was standing by my friend.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Anyone have an opinion on this? I wholeheartedly understand why your wife’s association with her gal pal (aka. “accomplice”) would upset you. Lot’s of people turn a blind eye in the name of friendship even to the point of enabling rather than walking away and removing themselves from an awkward situation at the risk losing or disappointing their friend. In some ways, you were also hesitant (until just recently) to upset the apple cart when it came to confronting your wife. The way I see it, it’s your WIFE who has loyalty and honesty issues when it comes to the people she forms relationships with. She took advantage of her friendship with this gal as much as she took advantage of you and her marriage. As a Taker rather than a Giver ... she’s likely to gravitate towards befriending people who are more likely to cater to her than not. If it weren’t this particular gal, she’d find another friend just like her. And if she weren’t married to “you” she’d just find another softy more willing to accommodate her. That’s why I’m so glad you broke the mold and did something unexpected by standing up for yourself. And while I know you love your wife, and my own “opinion” of her might not be favorable given what little I gathered from your posts... I mean no insult to you when I say the problem isn’t with “you” or the “friend.” Rather, it’s with HER. She’s at the center of all of it. So put the responsibility where it belongs instead of looking for others to blame in her place. It’s not your fault, it’s not the guy’s fault, nor is it the friend’s fault. I hope once the dust settles and your head is more clear, you convince your wife to get some help for herself in addition to marital counseling. But remember... while we can always learn better coping strategies, our fundamental personalities are often impossible to change.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I do know where the problem lies and that it is not with the friend. However, I am still not confortable with the friend being in the picture. My wife saw this, in the first day or two after the confrontation and she, on her own, severed contact with the friend. I was surprised that she would do this on her own. We have a MC appt. next week and have spent every night since the confrontation talking this through and trying to figure out where her head was at. At least for now, she is more remorseful than I have ever seen her and appears to be geniune about her willingness to do anything to save the marriage. I tapped our house phone, to see if she would call her ex-BF. The first time she was alone in the house, she called her best friend (not the one who knew about this) and told her everything, crying that she is desperate to save the marriage and how my confrontation (and the Adult Friend Finder ad of the ex-BF) jolted her into reality and made her realize how big of a mistake she was making, on many levels. I can't forsee the future, but I am hoping this whole thing brings us closer together. We have had more in-depth, heart-to-heart talks then we ever had before. We'll see what the future holds. I still love her with all my heart and am willing to do what it takes, on my part, to forgive her, give her the chance to redeem herself, and help her examine why this happened and how to avoid it in the future.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 We'll see what the future holds. I still love her with all my heart and am willing to do what it takes, on my part, to forgive her, give her the chance to redeem herself, and help her examine why this happened and how to avoid it in the future. With this, if you both of you want it to work, it can and it will. Read thumingmyway's threads. Do a site search on his name..
imagine Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Good job S, Keep regular cell contact as to where she is going. I'm sure she is good for now. Keep regular contact. Last point is learn what a POJA is on the marriagebuilders.com site.
anijanoki Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 She testing the waters. She is on very dangerous grounds. You need to confront her now. did the same kind of stuff before I cheated on my husband. I would like to think that if he confronted me when he suspect something was up that maybe I wouln't have cheated. I'll never know... Maybe if you say something she will brush is off, and maybe it will stop her.
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