Author scaredandafraid Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 First, I want to thank everyone for their suggestions and words of hope. I confronted my wife last night. She tried to lie at first and turn it on me, but when she knew that I knew everything, she was devestated, cried, and apologized with a sincerity I haven't seen in a long time. She insisted that she has not slept with anyone and I believe her, although she said she was certainly on that path. She admitted everything and told me some things I did not know. She immediately called the ex-boyfriend, on speakerphone with me right there and told him she wanted no further contact and that she loved me. On her own, she then logged into her email and blocked his email. She also told me I could have all her passwords and look anytime I wanted. Although I am not thinking everything is magically fixed, she sincerely seems like she wants to do everything possible to get closer, spand more time together, discuss and fix what has went stale in the last few years and take our marriage to a new level. I am very hopeful and excited. This has also made me take a good hard look at myself and Iwill work hard to change some things I have done to make her feel unappreciated. Things could have went a lot differently, if it was not for what I learned from this message board. Thanks again to everyone. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am hopeful that our love will grow and our marriage will be strengthened by all of this.
2sure Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Whew. That was a close one. To be honest, after reolying to your initial post and then following the rest of your threads...I wasnt sure you really had a handle on what you needed to do, or if maybe you just couldnt. BUT YOU DID! This red flag, this period of your marriage, can lead to an improved marriage. The problems are being identified and you committment can be reinforced. She gave you her passwords. Use them. She has a problem she is not completely in control of and you can help her simply by having them.
Athena Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Well done for confronting her. Honesty is always best, and when you know so much it would be difficult to 'ignore' the truth. It is a very encouraging sign to hear of her reaction! I think you are both on the way to begin changing things. Her remorse is a good start. Please keep us posted of your results as you move ahead.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 As I said, she told me about a few meetings and things I did not know about. I feel, after being confronted with all the evidence, she realized that she was throwing everything away and she became very scared, deepely ashamed and saddened by her reckless actions. I have never seen her so humble. I want to help her feel better about herself and give her as much love as I can. I want nothing more than to see her happy, feeling loved, content, and striving to meet future goals. She really is my world. I have never adored someone so much. Even after this, I am able to move on and am hopeful about the future. As someone who has held grudges for a long time, the fact that I feel this way just reinforces how much I care for her. I will check in from time to time and wish the best of luck to everyone going through similar situations.
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 WELL DONE!!! I was catching up on your thread, and going to suggest you confront now, rather than later. You beat me to the punch...WTG!!! Now...you know that you can't trust her right now...she's likely addicted to the feelings she was getting during all this flirtation with other guys. So she really means that she wants you...but in a few weeks, she could easily fall back into it unless the two of you change some dynamics. Get into marriage counseling, ASAP. You're going to need it...to help you get over the trust and hurt generated by her actions, and she's going to need it, in order to learn how to rebuild your trust, and to safeguard your marriage from this happening again. Look for a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs" by Dr Harley...it might give you some good ideas on how to accomplish this. Again...way to "man up" and take charge of the situation!!!!!
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I’m so glad you finally stood up and faced your fears, Scaredandafraid. They’re never so BIG and scary in real life as they are when we’re left alone to feed them in our own heads. I sincerely hope the two of you are able to move forward from here and work this out. Good luck!
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Thank you. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I took my ring off, threw it on the table and told her I knew everything and that if she was not completely honest, right here and now, I would go pack a bag, never return, and see an attorney in the morning. I told her she needed to decide what she wanted right now. I was scared but very serious. Her entire demeanor changed immediately, from yelling, deflecting it back on me, and lying, to a somber tearful apology. We talked from about 7pm until 2am and it was the most in-depth, sincere, heartfelt conversation we have ever had. Even though I believe that she did not sleep with this guy and that we got things before they went completely out of control, I demanded she get an STD test from the local free clinic, so she can go through the embarassment of having someone, who is not her regular doctor, conduct the test. She seemed very embarassed but agreed immediately. Everything I demanded (call to ex-boyfriend, giving me full access to emails, cell records, marriage counseling, etc., she agreed to without hesitiation. She is a strong and independant, college educated woman and she crumbled 20 seconds after I confronted her and interrupted her excuses, by proving I had all her communications and was serious about leaving at that very minute, if she didn't own what she has done. She realized how devestated I am and told me over and over how sorry she was for doing this to me. I know it is going to take a lot to get over this, but I truly love her and am fully committed to doing all I can to build us back up and keep us together forever. I sincerely hope it works
jwi71 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Now the hard work begins. Parroting the above (pun intended) - go to MC now. It will not seem helpful - in fact for us it seemed counterproductive - at first but stick to it. The sessions will NOT be easy or fun or even immediately fruitful. You will leave those sessions at times furious at the other. You will be home talking and wondering if the 175.00 an hour is worth it. It is - you gotta give it TIME. And HARD WORK. You have taken some very healthy first steps in recovering your M. Open honest communication is where it begins and MC will help you two learn that. Enforce NC as best you can by whatever means satisfies you. I would, if I were you, take the cell phone. And if you cannot, sign her up for detailed billing, forbid outbound calls and be prepared to yank it if you feel the need. Or even cancel that number and get a new one for her. I would still tell the world. This is NOT to humiliate her but to gather friends of the marriage together to help you BOTH overcome this crisis. It will also open up lines of discussion and communication to those friends to see your M from their eyes. To get their advice which, to be frank, will be more accurate and "impacting" than internet forums. You CAN have her back. It CAN be as it once was.
seibert253 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Bravo Scared. Three words; counseling, counseling, counseling I think your on your way to a happy rewarding marriage. Best of Luck.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Scared, You need to demand that she never speak or see the friend that encouraged her and covered for her, so she could do these horrible things. Her friend was going to want all the juicy details of what your wife did. And then when you saw her again she would've had a good laugh at your expense. You still need to do the polygraph at least once. She will cave before she does it. Or will agree to it readily.
Athena Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I want to help her feel better about herself and give her as much love as I can. I want nothing more than to see her happy, feeling loved, content, and striving to meet future goals. CAREFUL! I know you mean well, but realize that right now she is NOT feeling proud of herself and doesn't feel worthy of your love... so if you do act as you stated above, she might: 1) Not believe it and shy away, instead of working towards you for forgiveness and improving herself and the marriage. Of course you have to do the work too, as you have already admitted. 2) She may not feel forgiven if you forgive her too easily, too quickly, and without her doing hard work over time to earn your forgiveness... yes I said EARN your forgiveness... if you give anything away too lightly then it is not valued the same. 3) If you are too loving and nice now, she will not see the hurt and despair you have felt and are feeling. She really needs to see this hurt. Trust me, she will learn her lesson from seeing and not forgetting the sadness in your face when you speak of the pain of her betrayal and lies. In time to come when she adjusts her behavior and thought pattern, she will feel better about herself and come to believe she deserves the love and forgiveness you will be giving her freely then, and she will value it. She will also be able to keep herself from straying again because she will clearly remember the pain she saw firsthand, and also feel so lucky to have you back.
Sands_of_time Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 OP--The four posts before this were excellent. Take all their advice. Now that you have stopped her from walking directly into the kill zone (excellent job on being assertive!) and it looks like you are now on the same page because of her apology and tears you should be conscious that her feelings for the OM will not just dissipate immediately. She is still going to think of him when you are having dinner together, at work, when she is driving..etc. Prepare yourself for the fact that she called him when she was at work today to explain what happened between you two. One of the other posts mentioned get into counseling ASAP. I agree hands down. Get a professional involved. There is a lot more work involved so stay strong. You must now escort her out of the kill zone and back home where she belongs (danger still lurks so don't let your guard down for one second). Good luck, brother. Keep posting...
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I demanded she get an STD test from the local free clinic, so she can go through the embarassment of having someone, who is not her regular doctor, conduct the test. She seemed very embarassed but agreed immediately I really hope for your sake her tests come out clean. Keep a CLOSE eye on her because even though right now she's emotional, she's been busted and yes, you two talked and talked and talked, in afew days or afew weeks from now she WILL miss this guy and the big test will be IF she stays in NC mode with him. She will go through withdrawal symptoms, so if you can handle it, make her talk to YOU about it all (as well as the marriage counsellor) so she doesn't slip and call him for a quick fix (conversation, email, anything).
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You need to print out hi ads for sex with men and women and make her read it when she is going through withdrawals.
troubadour Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Scaredandafraid, Don't assume yet that your wife is a "changed" woman. I hope everything will work out fine for you but it is too early to start trusting her again.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I understand that. I want to trust her again, but it is going to take some serious time. I do believe she is geniunely remorseful and feels awful. I have never seen such shame and greif from her and I know it is geniune. One problem is this friend of hers, that was more or less her partner in crime. This girlfriend was the one my person my wife confided in, about her sneaking around. My wife said her stance was "neutral." This pisses me off. This woman stood around, while this destructive behavior was going on and was "neutral." She was more than neutral in my book. She did things that directly and indirectly encourged all of this. I don't to become a controlling jerk, but I don't know if I am comfortable with my wife continuing her friendship with this woman. This woman had a husband cheat on her and got divorced over it, yet 2 years later, she is "neutral" when this is going on. I just don't understand people. I sent the girlfriend a very nasty email this morning, telling I thought she was a skank and a pig and explaining why. She called me screaming and yelling and I hung up on her. My wife says she would like to still talk to her, since they are very good friends, but she is willing to cut off contact, if I ask her to. She understands why I feel this way, but says the girlfriend never really encouraged this and asked her if she had thought it over, but basically went along with it and allowed my wife to use her to help hide her activities. I want her to have friends (because of both our work schedules neither one of us has many friends of time for a lot of social activities) but I am very uneasy about this woman having any kind of influence on my wife. I don't want to push too many demands, remove her from contact with her best friends, etc. That may make her feel trapped and push her away. Right now she is all about doing everything possible to confront what happened and work on rebuilding our relationship. Again, she has never been an overly emotional person and I am seeing regret and emotion I have rarely seen and I know it is genuine. I don't want to push her too far against the wall, as to possibly push her away, but do not like this girlfriend at all. Does that make sense? Anyone have an opinion on this?
Sands_of_time Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I understand that. I want to trust her again, but it is going to take some serious time. I do believe she is geniunely remorseful and feels awful. I have never seen such shame and greif from her and I know it is geniune. One problem is this friend of hers, that was more or less her partner in crime. This girlfriend was the one my person my wife confided in, about her sneaking around. My wife said her stance was "neutral." This pisses me off. This woman stood around, while this destructive behavior was going on and was "neutral." She was more than neutral in my book. She did things that directly and indirectly encourged all of this. Anyone have an opinion on this? Scared...just curious about your couseling session. Have you thought about making an appointment for the both of you?
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Yes. We are looking around and checking out our finances. An extra $600 a month for a weekly hourly session may just not be possible. We are looking at options and talking.
troubadour Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Scaredandafraid, I am afraid that you don't have much choice but to ask your wife to cut off all contact with her friend. Especially after what happend today with that email to her and telephone conversation with her.
soserious1 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You need to man up here, grow a pair and keep putting facts in your wife's face. Facts are these,your wife was a hair's breath away from spreading her legs for another man. She wants this marriage to work? she's remorseful? she gives you passwords to email and cell phone voice mail.. she goes now where and I mean no where except to work without running her plan by you,telling you were she will be going and with whom and asking your permission! She did this,she's shown that she's vulnerable to becoming a cheating skank. she owns the consequences and those consequences should mean that you get final say over where's she's allowed to go and who's she's allowed to go with. She wants companionship? something to do? suggest to her that when she is not working she can occupy her time with thoughts of how to better pleasure you, how to be a more loyal and faithful wife, she can also busy herself around your home, cleaning the place, washing floors and walls till they gleem, pressing your clothing,organizing your things,in short she needs to spend her every waking non-working hour regaining trust. Her only "right" at this time is to decide to accept the consequences of her actions or accept that you'll divorce her because you deserve better than her.
SRV Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Soserious, in as much as I see your point of view, you cannot "police" someone or their lives 24/7, 365 days a year. Not only will it ware the person policing but also the one being policed. Man is born with free will. If she came this close to doing it shows some deep underlying problems that need to be addressed by a professional ASAP. She is clearly depicting remorse at the moment, he needs to ask himself tough questions whether he can trust again, whether it is worth saving. He needs to address his issues that she may have pointed out that drove a wedge in their marriage. He needs to find a way to reconcile those issues for himself. She has the predisposition to cheat and has clearly demonstrated it. She might just learn how to hide it better or may be not.
soserious1 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Soserious, in as much as I see your point of view, you cannot "police" someone or their lives 24/7, 365 days a year. Not only will it ware the person policing but also the one being policed. Man is born with free will. If she came this close to doing it shows some deep underlying problems that need to be addressed by a professional ASAP. She is clearly depicting remorse at the moment, he needs to ask himself tough questions whether he can trust again, whether it is worth saving. He needs to address his issues that she may have pointed out that drove a wedge in their marriage. He needs to find a way to reconcile those issues for himself. She has the predisposition to cheat and has clearly demonstrated it. She might just learn how to hide it better or may be not. My main point is this... the OP is hesistating from telling his wife that her relationship with the woman who covered for her is over.. his hesistation tells me that his wife isn't remorseful enough,not by a long shot. The OP's wife has shown that at best, her judgement is poor, she chose a friend who was more than happy to cover for her while she had secret meet up's with other men. This friendship should be history. As to the rest,when we violate trust in such a big way there are consequences, the OP's wife should be CHEERFULLY agreeing to surrender her passwords and to be prepared to let her husband know exactly where she is going and with whom and to curtail activities aside from work, church indivual and couple's counseling till such time as her husband feels comfortable with it.
D-Lish Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I am glad you chose to confront her. I suspected this kind of reaction from her. I don't think she realized how serious her flirting was until you pulled the rug out from under her and put the fear of losing everything into focus. This friend of hers is bad news. I hope your wife ends that friendship. Now the real work starts. There is a reason she was feeling antsy- the two of you need to figure out what that reason was and work on fixing it. Good luck with all of this, and good job on the way you handled things.
mark982 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 if you have a home phone set up (not just cell phones) i'd put a tap on it.
Athena Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Scaredandafraid, since you want her to cut off her friendship ties (and I don't blame you at all!!!) but she wants to keep her friend, why not "compromise" and ask her to have no contact with her friend for a set period of time, say, two months so that the two of you can have time to heal a little and move in the right direction without the shadow of a 'friend' who actively helped your W by 'covering' as her 'alibi' -- even in a crime, an accomplice like that is Guilty in the eyes of the law! Sheesh! Anyway, hopefully she will agree to that and honor that so that the two of you can get back on topic of 'WTF was she doing'
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