Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I want to wait a few more days to give her time to plan out this Saturday date and she if she makes plans to have sex. I will confront her before Saturday. I am not sure how, just yet. I like the idea of leaving and putting the ball in her court. She can decide, when she comes home Friday (the day before she is planning on going out with this guy) if she wants to immediately call me and try to save the marriage, or not. I just found out that this guy has an Adult Friend Finder personal ad, looking for men and woman for casual sex and bondage. I was thinking about leaving the ring on the table with a printed copy of the Adult Friend Finder ad and see how she reacts. I want to confront her in person, but I know she will, at least at first, try to lie her way out of it. I hope seeing that ad and several other casual sex personals, will let her know what she is getting into. Let it sink in for a few, without me around and see if she wises up. What do you think?
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Excellent find!!!!!!!!!! This will really suck any romance out of the situation. You want to wait to see if they talk about having sex? What if he calls her during the day and says lets do lunch before this weekend. You wouldn't even know. You don't have a VAR yet. You need to get a couple TODAY!
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I am 99% sure she will freak out when she sees his casual sex bondage ads, which say he last visited 2 days ago, which was within hours of talking to her online and telling her how much he is into her. One thing I am concerned about is the outing of the ordeal to both our families and friends. If she sees the ad, realizes her mistake, and comes crawling back, should I go through with blowing it wide open? I know her and her family will be mortified by all of this and it may make her less likely to try to reconcile. I will be contacting his friends, family, and several girlfriends I know he is currently seeing.
jwi71 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I want to wait a few more days to give her time to plan out this Saturday date and she if she makes plans to have sex. I understand its important for you to know IF she would or could DO that to YOU. I get it. But do NOT wait or have hope that because you do NOT see an email or text that she has decided AGAINST sex with him, that she won't. You may never see the "planning email" as perhaps she hasn't planned it. Or is unsure herself. I will confront her before Saturday. I am not sure how, just yet. I like the idea of leaving and putting the ball in her court. She can decide, when she comes home Friday (the day before she is planning on going out with this guy) if she wants to immediately call me and try to save the marriage, or not. Choose a method that works for you. But look at what she has chosen thus far. And do you really want her, in her state of mind, making a major life decision for YOU. She is making some really bad decisions right now, time to step in and save her from herself. She is on the verge of letting her fantasies become reality - and in so doing it will RUIN your life (and hers). Don't let that happen. I just found out that this guy has an Adult Friend Finder personal ad, looking for men and woman for casual sex and bondage. I was thinking about leaving the ring on the table with a printed copy of the Adult Friend Finder ad and see how she reacts. OK. Go on and show her. It may shock her and help clear her head - or she already knows and doesn't care. I want to confront her in person, but I know she will, at least at first, try to lie her way out of it. I hope seeing that ad and several other casual sex personals, will let her know what she is getting into. You bet your arse she'll lie. Then she'll use all the "you're spying on me" crap too. And then you have violated her privacy. Then she'll turn it around so its all YOUR fault. She will be defensive and angry and everything in between...been there, done that. So you let her have her say. Let her rant. Be as cool as you can (its hard especially when you KNOW she is lying). And when she is finished...show the emails and ask her to explain. Say as little as possible - let her talk (its hard, I know). Then tell her what you want from her and the M. Let it sink in for a few, without me around and see if she wises up. What do you think? I reversed myself on leaving. I think after you confront her she will want to stay home this weekend. Wanna know why? She loves you. You have that email too. Good luck...it CAN be done.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I agree with you scared, leave because she needs to understand the implication that you won't be around if she cheats with this guy. You can always confront her when she calls you to beg you to come home. When you do confront her, you will be able to show the sexual proclivities of this other man. And be able to tell her "thank god i stopped you before you screwed this guy. You could have gotten HIV and a dozen other STDs from this guy. And even though you cheat on me. I don't want to see you lying in a hospital bed with syphilis or aids. Or give me some incurable crud".
jwi71 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 One thing I am concerned about is the outing of the ordeal to both our families and friends. If she sees the ad, realizes her mistake, and comes crawling back, should I go through with blowing it wide open? I know her and her family will be mortified by all of this and it may make her less likely to try to reconcile. My experience runs contrary to this. Affairs can ONLY exist in secrecy. No secrecy, no affair. She already has at least one "friend" who is enabling her to cheat. I wonder who else is egging her on? I wonder who else knows? The only way to know is to shine the light on this. So tell. Everyone. Including your pastor. Including your family - her family too. You need them to help. You need "fans of the marriage" to step up and help. And step one if that is actually knowing who the fans are... My .02
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Thank you everyone for trying to help. I just can't decide if I should confront her in person, or leave my ring with the Adult Friend Finder bondage ad, go to a hotel, and see if she calls. I kind of have a feeling she will be so embarassed she will not call. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her again. Been thinking about just going to see a lawyer and cutting her loose. I just love her so much, but don't know how I will ever move past something like this.
Frankasy Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I don't know what type of people you, if you use words instead of fists but I strongly suggest that you show your wife "who's boss" unless you wanna get divorced. Just think about this, how would she react if she found out that you had been talking to ex gfs, telling them how good they were in sex, secretly meeting them, thinking of them all day etc etc, in other words everything your wife has done. What do you think, that she'd smile about it and let it go? No and in case you don't wanna lose your well um, lead if we can call it, in this situation I suggest you strongly prevent her from doing this stuff anymore and make her feel sorry for it too cause you never know, she might not do it on your PC anymore but on her work's computer. If she finds out that you know about this, she'll feel embarassed about it and in order to take everything off of her she'll try to change the subject, she'll blame you for something just to get the guilt off of her. Seriously you need to mark your territory and fast in case you don't wanna continue the rest of your life with the feeling that you should've been quicker.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 If she hasn't cheated yet. I would hold off cutting her loose. I know there is a lot of self talk. Should I leave? Will she leave me? You could leave or you could stay but confront her one way or another before the die is cast.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 See, that is the problem I am facing. If I tell her I have the emails and she decides to do it again, she will be a lot more careful. I do not want her knowing I have access, since she tells everything in email. I guess I will have to lose that avenue in order to confront her and counter any lies she will tell, when confronted. She does not have internet access at work, thank god.
Frankasy Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 See, that is the problem I am facing. If I tell her I have the emails and she decides to do it again, she will be a lot more careful. I do not want her knowing I have access, since she tells everything in email. I guess I will have to lose that avenue in order to confront her and counter any lies she will tell, when confronted. She does not have internet access at work, thank god. In other words you're saying that you'll let this go on unnoticed by her just so that you can look at their convos and emails. Believe me, if you handle this situation properly, there won't be a next time for her. Also she might not have access at work but she might go to an internet cafe or even access the internet through her or a friend's cellphone(via Wlan).
stampdaddy Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Quick question: Let's say you leave your ring, the evidence etc.. and she gets "busted" and she does not go out with "this" guy "this" weeked... Then what? 2 months from now, when it is Spring and all the pretty people are out and the birds and the bees are fluttering about.. WHAT WILL YOU BE FEELING?? What will you be thinking? Can you handle this, knowing that your wife is about to go on a date with another man and possible have have sex with him?? I am honestly curious...
stampdaddy Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I agree with you scared, leave because she needs to understand the implication that you won't be around if she cheats with this guy. You can always confront her when she calls you to beg you to come home. When you do confront her, you will be able to show the sexual proclivities of this other man. And be able to tell her "thank god i stopped you before you screwed this guy. You could have gotten HIV and a dozen other STDs from this guy. And even though you cheat on me. I don't want to see you lying in a hospital bed with syphilis or aids. Or give me some incurable crud". See, what does it matter that this guy may be a "trainwreck" of a man.. Who cares?? What if he was a real stand up guy, a pillar of the community? Would that make it better? SHE IS GOING AFTER ANOTHER MAN WHO IS NOT HER HUSBAND
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Believe me, this will come to a head before the week is over. I just want to find a way to confront her, without her knowing I have email access. That is all.
Athena Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 you want ways in which to confront her without her knowing you are reading her emails? Well, what are your options? What have you come up with? List them, and perhaps we can advise you on the strengths and weaknesses of each option.
jwi71 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 See, that is the problem I am facing. If I tell her I have the emails and she decides to do it again, she will be a lot more careful. I do not want her knowing I have access, since she tells everything in email. That's the mistrust speaking. Look, if she really wants to cheat what can YOU do? Answer: Nothing. If she wants to bed him bad enough you are powerless to stop it. You cannot control her 24x7. She could just as easily call in "sick" and head off to a hotel room. She has to WANT to stay home. And that's where you intervening comes in. You confront her. You let hr know in no uncertain terms that YOU know. That you won't tolerate it. Period. Then you take her cell phone, you monitor the PC, you guys go to MC. She has broken the trust and the only thing that can win it back is TIME and HARD WORK. By both of you. I know its hard now, but I PROMISE you it CAN be better. You CAN have her back. You can trust her again. In time. With hard work.
jwi71 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I just want to find a way to confront her, without her knowing I have email access. That is all. Impossible my friend. The only you way know of the A is through these emails so it has to come out that you have them. Hell, I would be xeroxing packets of them for showing to the friends and family. You have to show the proof which means she will know. Yeah, she'll throw a hissy fit - so effin' what.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Scared, regarding the e-mails. Simply tell her "do I look like a f***ing idiot" You don't think I can tell when the woman I love is contemplating cheating on me. What, do you think I am going to come up and ask. Oh honey I just wanted to check and make sure you're not going to screw your skanky ex-boyfriend. Tell her "When you start to cheat on your next husband you might think about changing your password or not writing it down in the notebook next to the computer."
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I'd ask her if she wants to have an open marriage. I mean isn't it selfish of you to boink other guys and not let me boff other girls?
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I do not want to "boff" other women. I love my wife, thank you very much. I was going to say that a friend of his tipped me off, after he was running his mouth about his new conquest.
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I do not want to "boff" other women. I love my wife, thank you very much. I was going to say that a friend of his tipped me off, after he was running his mouth about his new conquest. yeah, I'd tell her you have heard it from others. Just simply say "someone I trust has tipped me off". Don't elaborate- and take the focus off how you found out and turn it back on her. The only problem is that she can refute "hearsay". She can tell you that you're being ridiculous and unless you tell her that you've seen her e-mail, you can't actually prove anything. Whatever you do, don't get into a pissing match over how you found out what you know. Just re-direct back on her- keep re-inforcing it doesn't matter who told you, only that you know. Just understand that the first thing she will do is erase evidence on her computer anyway. She's going to suspect you might have looked- or will expect that you would look. Perhaps you can say to her- if she has nothing to hide- she can show you her e-mail and msn account.
Sands_of_time Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Believe me, this will come to a head before the week is over. I just want to find a way to confront her, without her knowing I have email access. That is all. Scared..based on those emails you mentiond, your wife is a zombie (read: in an affair fog) right now and she is wandering aimlessly into the kill zone of a war. You have to man up right now and confront her before it goes any further. Do not be passive about this and let her make the decision because people in affair fogs do not reason logically. She will give up (i.e. marriage, money, will pawn off kids on relatives so she can meet OM) almost everything she knows to stay in that fog. It's magical. With regards to the emails you'll need to show her you have them--point blank. And then you'll make a demand..yes, demand, that you will now have access to her email and will be installing a key logger on her computer, will have access to her phone records...etc if she wants the marriage to work. Otherwise SHE needs to move out. Don't be mean, just firm. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. If you leave, she stays, right? The home is the comfort zone. In order to pull them out of the fog she'll have to make a HUGE choice to move out. It's a big decision to leave the comfort zone. If she moves out, then you'll know your anwser right there. Once they move out, it means you are now out of the way, she'll have the affair and your marriage more than likely won't survive. Act now brother and put on your strongest armor. AND STAY CALM NO MATTER WHAT COMES YOUR WAY.
Sands_of_time Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I was going to say that a friend of his tipped me off, after he was running his mouth about his new conquest. You will then be going on heresay. Heresay won't stand up in this situation. Show the proof of the emails, accept that she'll blame you and realize that what you are doing is saving your marriage.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I'd ask her if she wants to have an open marriage. I mean isn't it selfish of you to boink other guys and not let me boff other girls? I did not mean to infer, that is what you want. It was a word picture for your wife, to think about how she would feel knowing that you were screwing some girls.
D-Lish Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 There are two possibilities here: 1) Your wife is looking for a way OUT, 2) Your wife is looking for a way BACK IN. If she is feeling restless- chasing excitement, much of this might be a game to her. You know from her emails that she hasn't strayed physically yet. You also know she's met her ex 5-6 times. if she was going to be serious and cheat- she would have done so by now. I DO believe she still loves you. I DO believe she is bored and confused at the moment. I also believe she needs a strong hand to bring her back to reality. If you did take off for a couple days without explanation- it would not be the same as abandoning your home. It's a way of showing her what life would be without you. That's super important for her to know. She must be shown that her actions have consequences. I really would leave for a few days without explanation. That would knock her ass right back into reality. I would then tell her you know everything- and when she crumbles (which she will), tell her the only way to fix it would be to go to counselling.
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