D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I would just not be there when she returns Saturday night. Make arrangements to go somewhere else- and don't come back for a few days. No contact- no explanation- nothing. Perhaps your wife is a bit bored, perhaps she finds this game exciting. It needs to stop- and she needs a reality check. What really needs to happen first and foremost- is that she needs to be shown how her behaviour is putting your marriage in jeapordy. She must experience the full repercussions of her actions. Her focus right now is completely selfish and driven by a need to find some excitement. She'll come home Saturday night feeling a twinge of guilt, thinking about how she will act in front of you- then she will come in, and you aren't there. Think about how that would make you feel if it were you doing this and then coming home to an empty home. She'll try calling- then panic will begin to set in, but it will have a powerful impact. Much more powerful than a note or anything else. It's your silence and that fear of loss that will bring her focus back to the marriage. That's what needs to happen- she needs to have her focus jolted back where it belongs- fixing what is broken instead of looking outside for quick, easy ego strokes. Then, I'd return home 2-3 days later and ask her if she has something she wants to tell you. Look her straight in the eye and tell her she better not lie because you already know and want to hear her side of the story. She needs to be jolted back to reality. The only way this is going to get kick started is if she experiences that very real feeling of panic over losing you. She will feel it, trust me. When she does feel it, the only thing on her mind will be you. It won't be easy to stay away without contact for a couple days- but do everything in your power to stay away and keep silent. She doesn't have to know how you know- only that you know. If she's going out in public with these guys- anyone could see her and report back to you! This is a game to her right now- show her the reality.
Sands_of_time Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Good idea on taking the romance out of it, or at least trying to. I will confront her this week, probably Thurs. or Fri., once I have copied her emails and cell bills. There were just a few calls and texts this month and then nothing back until a few texts in Oct. of 97. I just have this sinking feeling that no matter how hard I fight, I will end up alone. I have never been so happy and sincerely thought she was my soulmate. In the last month we have been talking about expanding a side business I do, doing things to become even closer together. I am just blown away by this. Does anyone else have an idea on how to approach this? I would rather keep access to her emails, without her knowing, even after the confrontation, if we stay together, since she feels free to reveal what she is doing. Scared...I feel for you..110%. It's the most excrutiating pain that you can imagine. I am with you on this. If you feel she hasn't "crossed the line" then you need to confront her ASAP--meaning you MAY have a chance at fixing this. If she goes through with it your chances of reconcilliation go way down. The more days that go by, the more intense the affair becomes. If you need to stay up all night to copy all the emails then do it. But get it done and don't wait another 5 days to confront her. Take the advice of the other posters...they know what they are talking about. Good luck, my brother. I'll stay tuned...
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 She needs to be jolted back to reality. The only way this is going to get kick started is if she experiences that very real feeling of panic over losing you. She will feel it, trust me. When she does feel it, the only thing on her mind will be you. I so hope you are right about this. Confronting her may give her a reason to go through with ending the marriage. I will fight with all that I am to save this.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Please consider all I said to do. You want this to be shock and awe. Your wedding portrait, set behind the copies of emails, with the note prominently set on top of them all. With the box of toys, movie, KY jelly, condoms, dildo, and vibrator in the shoe box next to it all. WITH THE VAR IN THE ROOM AND ON. She will do one of two things she will call her girlfriend, or she will call the guy. Either of them will do. Because she will bare her true feelings to the girlfriend. Or she will cancel the meeting with the guy (I hope its the girlfriend because she tell her the truth about how she feels about you). She needs to feel dirty and disgusting. Her romantic ideas of how this is all suppose to go, must be shattered. So the last thing she is thinking of is going to screw some guy while her marriage is falling apart. As I said this should be shock and awe. With you NOT THERE. She needs to be able to call her friend or him and tell them how she really feels about you. If she says she loves you and doesn't want to leave you. Great! If she is still lying to you. You can bust her with the taped conversation of her talking to her friend or him. I hope she calls you Friday night in a mascara and snot running mess begging for your forgiveness. BE TOUGH!
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I so hope you are right about this. Confronting her may give her a reason to go through with ending the marriage. I will fight with all that I am to save this. I really think simply not being there when she gets home Saturday will have the most impact on your situation. She doesn't need to feel the possibility of loss... She needs to feel and experience the loss. If she comes home to an empty house, she will be forced to really think about what she is doing. Silence is such a great weapon. You don't need to say anything to make her feel bad or guilty- she will have a couple days to think heavily about that on her own.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Confronting her will not get her to tell you the truth. She is already lying to you. You must here the words from her own mouth without the knowledge of you being able to hear the unadulterated truth. Do you think you will here the truth from her lips with you standing there. She will lie like a dog.
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Confronting her will not get her to tell you the truth. She is already lying to you. You must here the words from her own mouth without the knowledge of you being able to hear the unadulterated truth. Do you think you will here the truth from her lips with you standing there. She will lie like a dog. That is why I am suggesting what I am... That he not be home when she comes home from her "date" Saturday. He should stay away without contact, explanation, etc. Just disappear. She will get the message- and she will panic. When he comes back a few days later- all he will need to do is tell her he knows everything, and wants her explanation. She'll be so panicked if he isn't there when she comes home. It will turn her world upside down. By the time he does come back- she'll confess and be ready to confess everything. People under-estimate the power of silence. It often has way more impact than confrontation. She needs to fully comprehend that the OP is will to leave her. She needs to experience what that is like.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I concur. But unless the trap is set. She might go out anyways thinking he is visiting his mom or something. What if she thinks Hmmmm. Must have gone to his mothers, and goes and screws this guy anyways thinking she has an unimpeded evening with him. I agree that he should not be there but she must know that he has found out everything. "When he comes back a few days later- all he will need to do is tell her he knows everything, and wants her explanation." Yeah and in the time it takes her to figure out that he knows . She could have already screwed this guys brains out.
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I concur. But unless the trap is set. She might go out anyways thinking he is visiting his mom or something. What if she thinks Hmmmm. Must have gone to his mothers, and goes and screws this guy anyways thinking she has an unimpeded evening with him. I agree that he should not be there but she must know that he has found out everything. Well, he could spoil her fun by leaving Friday night. He could have a conversation with her Friday asnd simply ask "so... you are going out with your friend Amy tomorrow night?" She'll say yes... then he could say "You sure?"... When she says "yes", he can say- okay, well I hope you have fun. THEN, he can leave Friday night and not come home. That way he has already planted the seed of doubt on Friday. When he leaves just after that conversation- she'll get the hint. By the time Saturday comes around- she'll be in too much turmoil to go out. She's having fun right now because she thinks OP doesn't know. She'll crumble into a guilt-ridden mess if she suspects he knows something (as she should).
Sands_of_time Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Brother--you are in a world of sh*t. Terribly sorry to hear/read about this. If you let her go out on Saturday night then there is a good chance she could be riding him like there is no tomorrow. I agree with many other posters that you need to put your foot down and teach her a lesson, but allowing her the opportunity to go out and make the decision for herself on Saturday night will be detrimental and your marriage will more than likely be over. We all know she is in the "affair fog" and that is 100 times better than what you can offer. If she goes through with Saturday night and she has sex with the guy your relationship is doomed. Read the other posts on LS about trying to recover from an affair. It's fatal. Do not let her take that next step. Stay strong.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I guess we will have to agree to disagree. That stuff needs to be on the table friday night when she gets home. If I was him I would also call her friend and tell her that "I don't appreciate you covering for my wife so she could go and ***** some guy. If you talk to her tell her I know everything"
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I think Friday night I am just going to leave my wedding ring on the table, where I know she will see it, on top of a box of condoms, with a note "you may need these tomorrow, just in case ___ has an STD" What do you think of that idea?
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I think Friday night I am just going to leave my wedding ring on the table, where I know she will see it, on top of a box of condoms, with a note "you may need these tomorrow, just in case ___ has an STD" What do you think of that idea? I think if you plan on that- don't even leave a note. Just leave the ring on top of the condoms. I am telling you, the silence or cryptic messages will have more impact. If you say the guys name, you give away your source. Then it will become about YOU, snooping. I would truly leave it in silence. Even if she just came home Saturday night and saw your ring, but no note- no explanation- nothing. The ring would speak volumes. You could send a friend to run into her Saturday... have them recognize and acknowledge her....?
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I would just not be there when she returns Saturday night. Make arrangements to go somewhere else- and don't come back for a few days. No contact- no explanation- nothing. Not be home and leave a copy of the emails/texts taped to wall in the house, she'll find it and know why you're not there. I DO agree with this 100%: She needs to feel and experience the loss. If she comes home to an empty house, she will be forced to really think about what she is doing. She needs to suffer SOME KIND OF CONSQUENCE and definately suffer abit. It shows her that you aren't going to put up with her crap, and it'll show her HOW life will be without you in it. It'll also lessen her experience, make it less exciting to be with someone else because now her conscious, her guilt will be acting up. Hope this makes sense.
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 OK, just read page 3. I like the idea of leaving your ring ontop on the box of condoms. No note, she'll absolutely know why you're not there. Let her sweat it out and suffer abit, worry and wonder.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Could this just drive her into his arms? After all, who would give her more support, when confronted? They will get together and try to develop a plan.
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 If she is willing to throw 10 years of history together, and 6 years of marriage with you away, so be it. If she developes a plan to be with this guy then you have your answer. Divorce time. I know you're hurting badly.. But I am telling you, right now the woman you who think you love is NOT the woman you married. She is in a total selfish fog and she needs to be SNAPPED out of her fantasy. The only way to do that is to SHOCK her. By leaving.. She won't be expecting it because she's not thinking of you at all. She's only thinking of herself, her pleasure, herself, her needs.. Let her stew in it for afew days.. Maybe she'll wake up and you two can fix this. Maybe it'll end things..Either way, it's guaranteed SOMETHING will happen. Going on as things are now is crappy and unhealthy for you.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 You can operate out of fear. Or you can show righteous anger. She is much more likely to leave if you are a weak doormat, then someone who has self respect. Lets see what your choices are. Confront her with the proof and you might be able to stop her from cheating and maybe turn things around. Or operate out of fear and and then deal with the mental images of her riding him. P.S the wedding ring on top of the condoms is a great statement. Maybe saying something like this. "If you decide to see him please use these, and could you please throw my wedding ring in the trash on your way out"
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I just thought of this. Why should you be the one to leave the house? Why not pack a suitcase with her clothes and stuff - Leave it outside the front door. Put the chain across the door so she can't come in.. On the suitcase, tape a copy of the email. She'll get it..
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Well I will tell you- if you mean that little to her that she would jump into the arms of another so fast and fleetingly- she's not worth it, and she was going to do it anyway. You've read in the emails that she tells her friends she loves you and doesn't want to lose you. She is playing around because she has no consequences at the moment. Combat this with silence and the fear of loss- she WILL respond with shock and panic. Those are the fears you want to instill in her RIGHT NOW. I cannot tell you enough- from the perspective of a woman~ show her the fear of losing you. Please trust me on this. She will forget about the excitement of a possible affair and focus on YOU. NO indication that you know what she did, no telling notes, no confrontation~ just your silence and absence. She'll know and she'll get the message without you saying anything. Go absent for a few days and she'll be putty in your hands. WHY? Because you take over the control of the relationship. Say nothing- just leave. Even if you say to her Saturday night that you have decided you are going to "meet a friend".... and then don't come home. Leave your ring on the table with nothing else. No note, nothing. It's the nothing that will eff her up. Trust me.
Athena Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 And -- another idea for you to consider... if you want to confront her WITHOUT her knowing you have access to her emails, then why not follow/ go to where she is meeting OM and after an hour or so, when body language is getting warm walk in on them and ask for an explanation.... she will have to tell you why she lied about where she was going and defend herself and you will not have to reveal the emails -- yet.
Billie63 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Well I will tell you- if you mean that little to her that she would jump into the arms of another so fast and fleetingly- she's not worth it, and she was going to do it anyway. You've read in the emails that she tells her friends she loves you and doesn't want to lose you. She is playing around because she has no consequences at the moment. Combat this with silence and the fear of loss- she WILL respond with shock and panic. Those are the fears you want to instill in her RIGHT NOW. I cannot tell you enough- from the perspective of a woman~ show her the fear of losing you. Please trust me on this. She will forget about the excitement of a possible affair and focus on YOU. NO indication that you know what she did, no telling notes, no confrontation~ just your silence and absence. She'll know and she'll get the message without you saying anything. Go absent for a few days and she'll be putty in your hands. WHY? Because you take over the control of the relationship. Say nothing- just leave. Even if you say to her Saturday night that you have decided you are going to "meet a friend".... and then don't come home. Leave your ring on the table with nothing else. No note, nothing. It's the nothing that will eff her up. Trust me. I totally agree with this.
Woggle Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Confront her and tell her she stops all cheating now or you are leaving. If she doesn't stop all cheating follow through on your threat. I would just leave her with no ultimatim if I were you but if you want to save show some balls.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 You're getting good advice here. Do you see a common thread going these? The common thread is....DON'T BE WEAK! If you are weak, she is much more likely to go through with this. This whole time you have been pining about losing her. I tell you what. If she came to you and said "I'll stay with you but I want to be able to have sex with these guys on the side whenever I want". Because that could very well happen if she gets the feeling that she can get away with it. Read the boards and see how many threads have that in it. I don't know why but I see that a lot more common then men doing it. Men will just lie and continue to cheat. But women will say " I need this for me" and will force there weak husbands into becoming cuckolds. Is that acceptable to you? In all the advice here accept for one tell you to leave. Why you leave and don't stay is, you want her to experience loss. That's why you don't kick her out. You can't anyways. If she has half a brain she knows this. BUT YOU HAVE TO MAN UP AND BE STRONG!
jwi71 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 OP- There is as previously stated a strong theme of confronting your W. Your W is at least engaged in inappropriate behavior with these men. . Why hide this from you if it wasn't inappropriate? Because she knew it was wrong. You have a choice, exit the M or fight for it. IMO, waiting for Saturday is, as mentioned earlier simply setting a trap. But there's no need for it. You have plenty of cause to file for divorce NOW if that is what you wish. And if you live in a no-fault state you don't even need those emails. Just file. If you want the "shock and awe" effect, nothing would be more shocking than coming home and finding you have moved out, your wedding band, copies of the emails and filed divorce papers sitting on the kitchen table. Is that what you want? Do you want a divorce and are just looking to shock (read hurt) her more? If you don't and you want to save your M, then DO NOT WAIT. Confront her now. NOW. Why give her the opportunity to turn inappropriate behavior into sex? That only makes reconciliation all the more difficult and, in all honesty, infidelity means nothing in divorce proceedings (95% of the time). If you want to save your M, then ACT. She comes home and you sit her down and you TALK to her. This is your M and it needs to be personal. It needs to be said not left as a dear john letter. That, to me, is weak and cowardly (just like a dear john letter). Tell her what you know. Show her the emails. Tell her you KNOW it all. And if you want the M to work, you tell her that too. Then tell her what you want from her and from the M. Tell her that the only way she can stay is to agree to NC, lose her cell phone and give up internet access UNLESS you are present. She violated her right to privacy and she must earn it back. Until then, she has NONE. Her lot in life is to prove worthy of return. And this can be done. This isn't really an EA and prolly not a PA. Just inappropriate contact with an old flame. Or two. I will reverse myself and the separation. Stay together. No one moves out for now. Find an MC and go. And one last thing, I would alert friends and family as to what is going on. Be specific. You need them now more than ever. So be honest with them. Your W will not like this - tough on her. You need friends of the M and family to step in and help you both save the M (if that is what you want). And that requires telling them the situation so they can help. And obviously the one friend she was confiding in is OUT - she is no friend of yours nor of the M. Handle as you will but I would be very clear about never wanting to see or hear from her again. So, choose. Flight or fight? You can get your W back. You can recover. But you have to ACT. Good luck, let us know what is going on and maybe we can help in some way...
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