scaredandafraid Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I have been married for 6 years, been together for 10. I love my wife with all my heart. She is my world. I am 42. She is 38. About six months ago, she became secretive about her computer habits and would minimize screens when I came into the room. I was able to find her email password (she had it written down in a notebook next to the computer) and I logged into her email. She was emailing and actually met an old boyfriend, for dinner. The emails were flirting in nature, talking about the great sex they had, etc. Not too graphic, but more than enough. Fortunately, their correspondence waned and she does not talk to him very much anymore, although she does email him from time to time. They have not spoken in a sexual nature in several months, so I do not think there is anything going on between them. However, she found another ex, (I'll call him Mike) after joining Facebook and has been emailing him quite a lot. She went out with a friend one night, when I was working, and went to a bar where he worked. They slow-danced. They next day, she emailed him and said every step of the dance was repeating in her head. They also talked about how they were great kissers together. When I discovered she was flirting with the first ex, six months ago, I installed a keylogger on her computer. Since meeting up with the new ex, she has been talking to a girlfriend on im about how she wonders what would have happened if they stayed together. She says she doesn't want to have an affair, she is just now conflicted about being tied down, etc. In the same IM, she told her friend she loves me very much. She also told her friend she never slept with Mike, when they were dating, which was only for a short time. I did some research on this Mike. He has been divorced several times, his MySpace account shows he cannot keep a relationship going for very long, and he has a criminal record for minor drug abuse and some other things. He just got out of a relationship and is asking her all kinds of questions about out marriage, if she is happy, etc., and encouraging her to "give him a shot." What should I do? I am sick over this. Should I confront her? I do not want her to know I am spying on her, because I am afraid it will drive her farther away from me. I thought we had a good relationship, we rarely argue, and she seemed happy. We bought our first house when we were married and the thought of losing it all makes me weak. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. I cannot even think of being without her. Our work schedules are very intense and she has little time, outside of work, to meet and cheat. I know this will make it hard (not impossible) for her to meet up with Mike alone. Should I confront her, or wait until I have proof she has actually cheated? I just don't know what to do.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You can confront her without letting her know the proof. Tell her that you are afraid you are growing apart, and that her concealing and closing windows on your computer when you walk in only confirms that she is being unfaithful to you in some fashion. If she lies to you and tells you nothing is going on. Then its decision time. If you believe she loves you, you may have to play a little game of brinksmanship with her. Wait a week. Print up all your info and her e-mails arrange them on the kitchen table while she is at work. Leave her a note and say: After our discussion and your denials (which I found impossible to believe). I took the next step and accessed your e-mails with the other men. You may feel that this is an invasion of privacy and it definitely is. But guess what you didn't marry me with the stipulation that I was to accept your secretive and deceitful treatment of me so you could consider bringing other men into our marriage or leaving me. You could have talked to me about your feelings so we could have worked on them together. You may consider our marriage as not worth fighting for but I do. I deserve better then this. Now the ball is your court. I am giving you this weekend to sort out your feelings for me. My feelings remain the same as when we wed. I love you with all my heart. But I will not live a lie. I deserve better then that. And if I accept this behavior, I would be less of a man then the one you married. If you want to continue in this marriage, I have three demands. You must stop all contact with the men that you have been communicating with. No contact what so ever. 2. Complete transparency until I feel that you are as committed to trying to save our marriage as much as me. And 3. marriage counseling, where we can bring up all issues (including my invasion of your privacy). I hope that you choose to continue our life together. Because as I said, I love you deeply. But that decision is your. I Love You Then pack a bag and leave for the weekend. It sounds like your wife has gotten a little off track and may just need to know how much you love her and that you will leave her instead of accepting a lie for your marriage. There is risk involved in this. But I think if you hit this straight on, you have a better chance then allowing the men she is talking to poison your marriage. I believe if she continues down this road. She will end up having a physical affair at some point which could make things much worse and even destroy your marriage. Please consider this action plan.
Billie63 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, because it is obvious you want this marriage to continue. Otherwise you would have confronted her ages ago. If you confront her, I think you will forced to end this marriage - infidelity with one ex might be forgiveable but two? Come on. She would never respect you again. You could stop the spying and not confront her and work on your marriage and hope that she realises that you're the one you want. But could you live like this? In your position I would confront her, chuck her out and then test her - see how hard she's prepared to work in order to win you back - maybe she needs to lose you to realise what she really wants. I don't envy your position. What does your gut say?
In Like Flynn Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 his MySpace account shows he cannot keep a relationship going for very long, and he has a criminal record for minor drug abuse and some other things. His MySpace Acct said this???
2sure Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 For many of us here - on both sides of the infidelity trauma - this is the way it almost always starts. Your marriage is at risk. This is not about being polite or respecting privacy. Your marriage is at risk. Know this. I see you have started to investigate, and you seem to feel a little ashamed that you have. You are not guilty here. You love your wife and value your marriage so you are going to have to be proactive here. Your wife might be happy and your marriage a good one. All marriages and lives have lulls and it sounds as your wife is not so much seeking to be fulfilled in an area she lacks - she sounds just curious and maybe a little bored with herself. Yet, this is how it starts. She has found she enjoys the fantasy, the attention, maybe the risk.She has already began pursuing and the only thing that has stopped her is guilt because she loves you. That guilt will not be enough to stop her , and sadly it really hasnt. The first response you received was a good one. Unless SHE has consequences to her actions she will feel what she is doing is basically harmless and that you are overreacting. Right now, the only consequences of her action are being felt by you. When you confront her with the proof she will feel betrayed and angry. What have you to lose? YOUR MARRIAGE IS AT RISK. You love her and she knows this. You can repair this, and stop this. She is floundering and you can help her. Its the hard stuff and how you get through it that counts.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Should I confront her, or wait until I have proof she has actually cheated? Depends on what your personal definition of “cheating” is. If it starts and ends at intercourse than the fact that she has already exchanging sexual and flirty emails with two other guys ... and has even gone so far as to meet one behind your back wouldn’t even be bothering you. The fact that it is means somebody is crossing some serious personal boundaries here ... and it’s not just you. I say ... if you’re gonna play ostrich and shove your head in the sand (for fear of losing her), then why bother being a voyeur at all. Better not to “watch” if your heart and stomach can’t handle it. So what would be the better outcome for you in the long run? --- Confronting your marital issues head on while there’s still a chance to turn things around, or avoiding them until your worst fears manifest and become a reality you’re left with no other alternative but to deal with anyway? Both roads lead to the same conclusion.
Billie63 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 She was emailing and actually met an old boyfriend, for dinner. The emails were flirting in nature, talking about the great sex they had, etc. I interpreted this as the wife being unfaithful. Scaredandafraid, can you confirm this?
65tr6 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 What should I do? I am sick over this. Should I confront her? I do not want her to know I am spying on her, because I am afraid it will drive her farther away from me. . do it now as it appears that marriage is important to you. If she comes out clean (and be ready for bitter truth) then atleast you can stop spying on her. As far as driving her farther away from you, how do you know that is already not the case. Look into her eyes and ask her..."are you still in love with me" ? Time to face the reality my friend.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You can confront her without letting her know the proof. Tell her that you are afraid you are growing apart, and that her concealing and closing windows on your computer when you walk in only confirms that she is being unfaithful to you in some fashion. If she lies to you and tells you nothing is going on. Then its decision time. If you believe she loves you, you may have to play a little game of brinksmanship with her. Wait a week. Print up all your info and her e-mails arrange them on the kitchen table while she is at work. Leave her a note and say: After our discussion and your denials (which I found impossible to believe). I took the next step and accessed your e-mails with the other men. You may feel that this is an invasion of privacy and it definitely is. But guess what you didn't marry me with the stipulation that I was to accept your secretive and deceitful treatment of me so you could consider bringing other men into our marriage or leaving me. You could have talked to me about your feelings so we could have worked on them together. You may consider our marriage as not worth fighting for but I do. I deserve better then this. Now the ball is your court. I am giving you this weekend to sort out your feelings for me. My feelings remain the same as when we wed. I love you with all my heart. But I will not live a lie. I deserve better then that. And if I accept this behavior, I would be less of a man then the one you married. If you want to continue in this marriage, I have three demands. You must stop all contact with the men that you have been communicating with. No contact what so ever. 2. Complete transparency until I feel that you are as committed to trying to save our marriage as much as me. And 3. marriage counseling, where we can bring up all issues (including my invasion of your privacy). I hope that you choose to continue our life together. Because as I said, I love you deeply. But that decision is your. I Love You Then pack a bag and leave for the weekend. It sounds like your wife has gotten a little off track and may just need to know how much you love her and that you will leave her instead of accepting a lie for your marriage. There is risk involved in this. But I think if you hit this straight on, you have a better chance then allowing the men she is talking to poison your marriage. I believe if she continues down this road. She will end up having a physical affair at some point which could make things much worse and even destroy your marriage. Please consider this action plan. I agree with this approach -- it shows you're not going to put up with what she's doing, you're not getting overly emotional, and you retain some power in the situation. You're leaving the ball in HER court and basically making her choose. Do it.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I interpreted this as the wife being unfaithful. Scaredandafraid, can you confirm this? Sorry for not beinig clear on that. The emails talked about the great sex they had when they were dating, before we met, not at the time of the dinner. I do not believe they slept together, as she only had about a 2 hour window to meet him and have dinner and she was home in about an hour an a half. I firmly believe that she has not had sex with anyone, YET, since we have been together. My story does tell me she is on that path. Thanks for the great comments and ideas. I am going to think on this, copy and document everything, for a few days and decide what my course of action will be. Additional advice is welcome and appreciated.
jwi71 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I would amend hunkahunka's approach just a bit. Gather evidence, print it out. But TALK to her. TELL her to her face. She deserves that. Do NOT leave a letter and slink away. Sit her down and ask her point blank if she is having an affair. An affair need not be physical...they can be emotional. She knows this...because she HID it from you - its tacit acceptance for knowing her behavior is WRONG. Be prepared for lies and denial. IF she does, then show her the proof of her lies. She will NOT like this. Understatement of the year. Prepare yourself for the barrage. Then, when she is done calling you sneaky, and invading her privacy and how low you are...ask her to leave. Tell her you have made an appointment with an MC and you hope she will be there (obviously make the appointment beforehand). Tell her you will not contact her nor respond to her except for the MC appt. If she won't, you leave. Tell her you love her and you would like to save the marriage. Then turn on a heel and leave. Already have your bags packed and in the car. Grab a room at some hotel and prepare for even longer and harder nights. See and speak to her ONLY at the appt. At the hotel room, TELL THE WORLD. Tell her friends, family, boss, coworkers, lovers, OM spouse, pastor...EVERYONE. Affairs can only survive in secrecy and darkness and you NEED to shine the light on it. You NEED the help and support of people who are in favor of the marriage. Tell them. Ask them for help and support. She will like this even less than being confronted. Its a consequence. Its eye opening. Its drastic. Its honest. Its caring (she won't see it that way but it is). Nip this in the bud. FIGHT. Good luck my friend...
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I do not consider it slinking away. I think that it leaves her with what she has done. And this removes the explosive nature of the situation. The confrontation will come upon his return. He should also VAR the house and her car to insure that she is not speaking to the other men.
Athena Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Should I confront her, or wait until I have proof she has actually cheated? I just don't know what to do. I urge you to confront her and not wait until she cheats and makes you feel worse than you already do. You are allowing her to go further and further with something that is very damaging to your marriage -- nip it in the bud. Be very tough on her, because if you cry and show your weak underbelly side, you will be walked all over.... give her consequences, and make her feel the danger of possibly losing you, because if you don't, she will not value you, nor learn a lesson... she will just become clever at covering up her tracks. I feel for you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Sorry for not beinig clear on that. The emails talked about the great sex they had when they were dating, before we met, not at the time of the dinner. I do not believe they slept together, as she only had about a 2 hour window to meet him and have dinner and she was home in about an hour an a half. I firmly believe that she has not had sex with anyone, YET, since we have been together. My story does tell me she is on that path. Thanks for the great comments and ideas. I am going to think on this, copy and document everything, for a few days and decide what my course of action will be. Additional advice is welcome and appreciated. She is a shopper Bro! Shopper girls are always looking for a better deal. Don't you dare let her know that you have access to her stuff. Just sit tight and monitor this. This will give you extra info about what she is doing, thinks and feels. Use it to your advantage.
seibert253 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 You can confront her without letting her know the proof. Tell her that you are afraid you are growing apart, and that her concealing and closing windows on your computer when you walk in only confirms that she is being unfaithful to you in some fashion. If she lies to you and tells you nothing is going on. Then its decision time. If you believe she loves you, you may have to play a little game of brinksmanship with her. Wait a week. Print up all your info and her e-mails arrange them on the kitchen table while she is at work. Leave her a note and say: After our discussion and your denials (which I found impossible to believe). I took the next step and accessed your e-mails with the other men. You may feel that this is an invasion of privacy and it definitely is. But guess what you didn't marry me with the stipulation that I was to accept your secretive and deceitful treatment of me so you could consider bringing other men into our marriage or leaving me. You could have talked to me about your feelings so we could have worked on them together. You may consider our marriage as not worth fighting for but I do. I deserve better then this. Now the ball is your court. I am giving you this weekend to sort out your feelings for me. My feelings remain the same as when we wed. I love you with all my heart. But I will not live a lie. I deserve better then that. And if I accept this behavior, I would be less of a man then the one you married. If you want to continue in this marriage, I have three demands. You must stop all contact with the men that you have been communicating with. No contact what so ever. 2. Complete transparency until I feel that you are as committed to trying to save our marriage as much as me. And 3. marriage counseling, where we can bring up all issues (including my invasion of your privacy). I hope that you choose to continue our life together. Because as I said, I love you deeply. But that decision is your. I Love You Then pack a bag and leave for the weekend. It sounds like your wife has gotten a little off track and may just need to know how much you love her and that you will leave her instead of accepting a lie for your marriage. There is risk involved in this. But I think if you hit this straight on, you have a better chance then allowing the men she is talking to poison your marriage. I believe if she continues down this road. She will end up having a physical affair at some point which could make things much worse and even destroy your marriage. Please consider this action plan. Best advise I've heard in a long time. Do it now and make her choose. Be prepared to move on because right now she's very unpredictable.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 This will be a long post. I really need some serious help... I am crushed to my very core over this. My wife's emails are getting more and more intense and she is gearing up to cheat soon. Let me try to recount a long story, as quickly as possible. She has over 3000 emails in her inbox, spanning 5-6 years. She has kept in touch with two guys, the entire time. I have spent the last two days going through all of this and I have never read anything saying sexual activities were going on. She is not shy or careful about her emails (especially sent emails). She keeps them all, except for spam. Good for me, I guess. Anyway back in October she started chatting frequently and snaeking behind my back to meet Guy #1, an ex-boyfriend she dated when she was 17. He has been through a string of broken relationships, has kids and an ex he fights with, and lives in a small, shack of an apartment. So they meet a few times, for dinner. I am pretty sure they didn't meet additional times, because of several factors. One, as I said, she keeps all emails. Our schedules are so ingrained into each other, we know each other's work schedules and whereabouts, most of the time. They planned their meetings around weekends I was working. He mentioned to another friend that she didn't have sex with him or kissed when they met, but it would "be nice." She did give him a hug. Guy #1 waned by December. She sent a Happy Holidays and New Year email to him, with a few emails of small talk. That's it for him, for now. Guy #2 is someone she dated for a short period of time, a year or two before I met my wife. My wife recently told her friend that she never slept with Guy #2, even when they were dating, but their kisses were magical. Guy #2 has always been in a distant circle of her friends, with my wife's sister and some long term friends. Therefore, the cheesy forwarded email jokes and such, that people forward around, included my wife and Guy #2. Several times, over 5 years, they have emailed personally, seeing their name on the mass email, and met several times. One time they met, 5-6 years ago, he was married. One time they met a few years ago, he was living with and engaged to a woman and living with her kids. He wrecked that, had another whirlwind 3 month romance and now (2 months later) has his thoughts set on my wife. And she is falling right in, hook line and sinker. He is asking her about our marriage, talking about the fun they cold have, how they should have hooked up years ago, etc. She went with this girlfriend to met Guy #2 several weeks ago and is planning on doing it again this weekend. My wife is now confiding in her girlfriend online about her attraction to Guy #2. She tells her girlfriend she loves me very much, but thinks she missed out, she is bored, etc. I hope she may somehow come to her senses and not ruin 10 years of love and togetherness, for some wreck-less affair with a train wreck of a guy. Our marriage has always been loving, at least I thought so. My family loves her to death and her family thinks the world of me. I considered her my best friend and never thought in a million years anything like this could happen. I have had several chances where I could have been in a sticky situation (because of my work) and I quickly exited. The thought of being with anyone else is repulsive. I think she is at that 7-10 year rut, going through mid-life crisis, or who knows, maybe she wants to get rid of me. I hope I can talk her out of it, as l really don't know how I would recover from losing her. I really think she loves me a lot and is just very confused. She told her friend she does not want to lose me, or the house, but she says 2 minutes later how she is so excited about this coming weekend, when she is sneaking out with her friend to meet Guy #2. It will take me a long time to go through all 3000 of these emails and archive the cheating. In the meantime, I have to live as if nothing is happening. This weekend, she is plotting to see Guy #2. Her friend is again covering for her and enabling her to meet this man. She is using the friend as a cover, going to dinner with her for an hour, and then going away to meet Guy #2. I just can't explain how completely crushed I am. We have been together for ten years, married for what seems like forever. We bought the only house either one of has ever owned together 7 years ago. I love this place. I love her family just like I love my own. Our families are going to be crushed by this. My 74 year old mom is going to be crushed. She loves my wife with all her heart, as do I. I have nowhere to go, we have one bank account where we basically live paycheck to paycheck. With my work schedule, it will take several weeks to go through the emails and other information, not to mention cell phone logs (which I have not looked at yet - yes Guy #2 is in her cell phone). The thought of spending the next year going through a divorce, losing the house, facing everyone I know and trying to rebuild my life makes me want to throw up. It just seems like some bad dream. I have a plan to expose this all, without immediately giving away my access to her emails. I know I need to confront her I just have to get everying in order and plan the way I am going to do it. That is where the hard part comes in. Like I said I have a good plan and it will give her a chance to lie her way out of it. However, I will know the truth. I just dread this coming out into the opening. I am so scared of losing her. I have never been in love like this and would step in front of a bullet to save my wife. I have always felt so lucky that I found someone I loved so much. Now it is all falling apart. I just don't know what to do. I have nobody to confide in, as I am so embarrassed by this I cannot even think of telling anyone. I am lost. Any thoughts and/or ideas would be great.
Bryanp Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 For God's sake confront her before she goes away to meet and screw this man. Why are you allowing this to continue? See a lawyer to understand your options. Stop being so scared.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Do not tell me that you are sitting by and watching her go to her friends to end up ****ing this guy. Tell me you didn't let her leave. Tell me you at least called her on the phone and recount her e-mails to her. Tell me that you told her after reading her e-mail that you know she was going to her friends so that she can go and **** this guy. Tell me that you told her if she goes through with it your marriage is over. Tell me you did everything possible to keep her from cheating on you. If you didn't, you are your own worst enemy. Or was your plan to let him fill her with his bodily fluids, and then ask her if she would like to **** the other guy next week?
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 I am not. She is planning on meeting him Saturday. I will confront her before then. I want to copy all my evidence first. I know I am going to lose her. I am filled with sadness and despair.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Here is something else you should do. I think she loves you she likes the excitement of sneaking around. When you shine the light on it. The thrill goes away. Remember the letter. After our discussion and your denials (which I found impossible to believe). I took the next step and accessed your e-mails with the other men. You may feel that this is an invasion of privacy and it definitely is. But guess what you didn't marry me with the stipulation that I was to accept your secretive and deceitful treatment of me so you could consider bringing other men into our marriage or leaving me. You could have talked to me about your feelings so we could have worked on them together. You may consider our marriage as not worth fighting for but I do. I deserve better then this. Now the ball is your court. I am giving you this weekend to sort out your feelings for me. My feelings remain the same as when we wed. I love you with all my heart. But I will not live a lie. I deserve better then that. And if I accept this behavior, I would be less of a man then the one you married. If you want to continue in this marriage, I have three demands. You must stop all contact with the men that you have been communicating with. No contact what so ever. 2. Complete transparency until I feel that you are as committed to trying to save our marriage as much as me. And 3. marriage counseling, where we can bring up all issues (including my invasion of your privacy). I hope that you choose to continue our life together. Because as I said, I love you deeply. But that decision is your. P. S I left you some items you may find come in handy if you choose him. Get a shoe box. In it put a box of condoms. A dildo, a vibrator and put it on the table with the e-mails. I think it will have the desired effect. BE STRONG. IF YOU ARE WEAK SHE IS EVEN MORE LIKELY TO LEAVE. THIS MIGHT WAKE HER UP. IF NOT SHE ISN'T WORTH SPIT.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Did you get the keylogger and the VAR and don't forget the semen test kit? You still have time. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. USE EVERY WEAPON AT YOUR DISPOSAL. Put the VAR in the room where you put the emails and toys. You will know immediately if she is going to cheat. If she continues to plan to go out with her friend and then to the guys meet her outside the restaurant and ask her. "So you have made the decision to end our marriage." ALSO ON THE TABLE OF EMAILS AND TOYS, AT THE BACK. GET YOUR WEDDING PORTRAIT AND SET IT THERE SO SHE SEES IT!!!!!!!!!!
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 The toys are a must! This removes any romance from the affair. It removes any trappings of love and reduces it down to its lowest common denominator. FILTHY,LYING,CHEATING ADULTEROUS SEX. Oh yeah and in the box. Throw the filthiest xxx rated movie you can find. I mean the raunchiest you can find. And to top it off. Get the largest bottle of KY jelly you can find. You need to shame her completely.
Author scaredandafraid Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Good idea on taking the romance out of it, or at least trying to. I will confront her this week, probably Thurs. or Fri., once I have copied her emails and cell bills. There were just a few calls and texts this month and then nothing back until a few texts in Oct. of 97. I just have this sinking feeling that no matter how hard I fight, I will end up alone. I have never been so happy and sincerely thought she was my soulmate. In the last month we have been talking about expanding a side business I do, doing things to become even closer together. I am just blown away by this. Does anyone else have an idea on how to approach this? I would rather keep access to her emails, without her knowing, even after the confrontation, if we stay together, since she feels free to reveal what she is doing.
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