8 years later and i'm still crazy about him ... but

[prncssfce9]

So this is kind of a long story but i will do my best.

 

I have known this guy pretty much my entire life, and have been crazy about him just about as long. When we were in high school (10 years ago) i had the biggest crush in the world on him. i spent just about everyday of an entire summer flirting playfully back and forth with him but nothing happened. i eventually got discouraged and started dating someone else, yet still harbored feelings.

 

at the end of my senior year i moved to nc for college and had been there ever since. while i was there i barely spoke to him, and until recently hadn't seen him in 5 years. the reason for this? everytime i saw him i was haunted by these old feelings and it seemed like i would never have a healthly relationship with anyone as long as he was a part of my life bc ... part of me would always want him. the fact that every relationship i have been in has been doomed to fail makes me wonder if i have sabotaged myself purposely.

 

anyway ... i recently moved back to save money for grad school and he and i have been talking a lot again. we hung out this weekend and for me all those feelings are back full force. the differance is, he isn't the nerdy awkward guy in high school i found charmingly adorable ... now he is a strong and confident sexy guy who makes me melt even more. AND, it seems like he is flirting back with purpose. he walked in the room and did that little eyebrow lift, at dinner he sat close to me and whispered little jokes in my ear cracking me up, i caught him looking at me several times etc.

 

all sounds like a budding love affair right ... except ... he has a girlfriend. he has been with her for 2 years. i have yet to meet her (she is never around when we are together) and when we are together she calls constantly. he tells her he is with me, and she seems terribly annoyed by this. now ... as much as i adore him i feel bad that i'm causing trouble for him. i want him to be happy, and if he is happy with her then i am happy for him. under normal circumstances i would steer clear but the problem is ... i have known him my entire life, all our friends are mutual friends. my BEST friend is like a brother to him. so ... i don't know what to do. i don't want to strive to end his relationship, but waiting around will hurt. but i don't want to give up ... thus repeating the same mistake i made 10 years ago.

 

HELP!

[vanilla87]

Well the one thing you have to prepare yourself for is that he could never leave his gf for you, gotta make sure your prepared for that scenario, just in case it happens.

 

Anyway, the fact that he is willing to risk a fight with her tells me something. I bet you he knows he has gotten better looking since hs and the fact that your back, maybe he thinks you've gotten more beautiful and could be kicking himself in the butt for being with a girl for two years that he doesn't know as well as he knows you.

 

Some guys never go beyond friendship cause if the girl is really cool and they can talk to her about almost anything and she has been there for him, he may never cross the line no matter how much he likes or could love her, because he never wants to lose her so he buries everything and risk letting her find someone else.

 

But maybe not its all second thoughts. The fact that he raised an eyebrow at you, is a sign he find you attractive and also that he was whispering in your ear telling you jokes, basically he was trying to impress you and he was dying to be close to you. So when someone does that and let you in to their comfort zone, is a sign that they don't mind you being that close enough to smell the minty fresh tooth paste on their breathe, plus guys never let girls in that close, never more then 10-15 inches in between. Also that fact you haven't seen him in years, well your a breathe of fresh air, but the kind he misses. I'm guessing he misses you but in a good way.

 

I also get what your saying, sort of in a similar boat as you. So I get where your coming from on all this. But the best bet is to pay attention to his body language next time you hang out with him. If he holds a long gaze at you and hugs you longer then a few seconds and sits really close, as though your right on top of one another, basically he wants you and desires you and maybe even thinking more then that. Also if he laughs at almost everything you joke about, thats a huge sign he is digging you, no guy laughs at every joke unless he likes a girl.

[Sunshine11]

Talk to him about it.

 

It sounds to me like spending time with him while he's technically unavailable is torturing you. And, he's got the best of both worlds--he's playing you both right now.

 

I'd say you have two options, and I won't pretend to counsel you on which is better. One is the moral high road, the other could be your fate.

 

1) Tell him that by spending this much time with him, you feel like you are being inconsiderate of his relationship and especially of his girlfriend. Tell him he's an awesome person, and that you haven't had this much fun with anyone in a long time. But that if you were his girlfriend, you would feel jealous and hurt that he's spending so much time with a woman you have never met. You love that he is a part of your life again, but you refuse to let it be at the expense of another person and of a relationship that seems to make him so happy. That he can't have the best of both worlds. Then, pull the, "What do you think?" Find a way to let him sweat a little, and hopefully a way to make him choose before he loses you both.

 

2) All is fair in love and war. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Maybe let him know he *could* have you if he were single. But that you won't give him the time of day until he's worked out his relationship first. The overlapping business really isn't pretty, and you wouldn't want to start a relationship with that kind of dishonest foundation; it wouldn't bode well.

 

Chances are right now he's sitting pretty and enjoying the double-time and attention he's getting. What actions and decisions could you live with? And which ones could you not live with?

 

Either way, communication is key. Call him out on it. You can be a good friend, a sister, and a respectable woman by putting him in the position where he's the one squirming, not you. It would also be a really good test of his character, to see how he'd treat you if you two were together.

 

I know how I'd advise anyone in your situation; I just hope I'd be able to follow my advice in the same situation.

[prncssfce9]

Vanillla ... thank you! for some reason that made my brain stop running a million miles an hour. I was wondering if it was all in my head, you know wishful thinking on my part. it is a little reassuring to know that maybe his feelings are back too.

 

Sunshine ... both of those options seems an awful lot like an ultimatum and i am not willing to do that. it has been long established that i am his if he wants me that is not something i have to make clear. also, you make the time i am spending with him sound seedy and dishonest. its not like i am ever alone with him, this past weekend for example it was him, our best friend and my brother hanging out. its just that in midst of that ... i felt all these sparks.

 

i am so confused!

[Sunshine11]

I apologize for making it sound like you're doing anything seedy. You certainly are not: while I agree he does appear to be attracted to you and have feelings for you, you are keeping things platonic, you aren't spending alone time with him, and you're not directly leading him on. That's really tough to do, and I admire your ability to see things for how they are and act accordingly.

 

I've just been in his situation before, and I rode it all the way out until one of them gave me an ultimatum. Come to think about it, I did make the wrong choice. (But to be fair, that was eight years ago--I was 19 years old at the time.)

 

I think maybe I should have focused on just pointing out that you are putting yourself in a sticky situation, and someone is going to feel hurt when all is said and done. If you're ready for the roller coaster drama, it can be a fun ride, and may be just what you need right now.

 

The three outcomes I can think of are:

 

1) He could stay with his girlfriend, and you will continue to feel this way.

2) In this situation you may find his character to consist of less admirable traits than you imagined him to have, and may finally, after eight years, let go of your feelings for him.

3) You and he may finally get together

 

I really do wish you the best outcome!

[vanilla87]

Vanillla ... thank you! for some reason that made my brain stop running a million miles an hour. I was wondering if it was all in my head, you know wishful thinking on my part. it is a little reassuring to know that maybe his feelings are back too.

 

Yeah its not you, trust me, cause I know what its like to over analyze everything at times when it comes to liking someone that is a close friend for years.

 

He seems interested, but being he has a gf, he is trying to not come on strong or really let it be too known that he is into you. But also the fact that he does like you explains why he had you around two other people, mostly due to the fact he doesn't want anything to happen and be disloyal to his gf and cheat on her, which makes a world of sense and shows maturity in what kind of guy he really is in retrospect.

 

Just give it time if he really likes you, but if he loves her, he may not come around, cause he may think in the back of his mind that you could move away again and that it would be a waste of time doing long distance and that you could cheat on him, guys sometimes think about stuff like that too. You gotta realize if your not going to be here in 5 years, he probably won't take a chance on you, cause to me it seems like he is going to be settling down for good where he is living.

[prncssfce9]

Vanilla ... again you are right. he is amazing, and a very honest and loyal guy. I know he would never be disloyal to her, bc that is not his character. if it was, i doubt i would feel the same about him.

i never thought that he might be worried about me leaving again, in fact i don't know that i won't be. but i do know if he asked me to stay i would. but i wouldn't stay and wait around for him to maybe be with me.

 

but tell me this ... his girlfriend lives 3 hours away. he has moved to central florida from south florida where we grew up. he has been here for pretty much the whole time they have been together so they have a long distance going. do you think that makes any differance?

[vanilla87]

Vanilla ... again you are right. he is amazing, and a very honest and loyal guy. I know he would never be disloyal to her, bc that is not his character. if it was, i doubt i would feel the same about him.

i never thought that he might be worried about me leaving again, in fact i don't know that i won't be. but i do know if he asked me to stay i would. but i wouldn't stay and wait around for him to maybe be with me.

 

but tell me this ... his girlfriend lives 3 hours away. he has moved to central florida from south florida where we grew up. he has been here for pretty much the whole time they have been together so they have a long distance going. do you think that makes any differance?

 

Ahh the fact that you just said his gf lives 3 hrs away and he is spending time with you??? Wow, he does like you, lol, more then you know, lol.

 

My friend, the one I'm in the same boat as you, he was in a relationship with a girl for about 9 1/2 months, ended because she was going to school 15hrs away and that she cheated on him and lied to him repeatedly.

 

I know guys that have cheated on gf that lives 15 minutes from them down the road and vice versa. Basically the fact is he is smitten with you, also did he go to dinner with you while she was out of town? if so then he does in fact like you and a guy never ever introduces his gf to any girl he likes, because the gf can always pick up on it and thats how fights ensure, which makes sense why she threw a fit over the phone that night you guys hung out recently. She knows that he likes you and worries he will leave her and be with you.

[prncssfce9]

yes we hung out while she was home and we were here. like i said she lives down there and i don't know how often they actually do see each other. i do know she got bent out of shape one night she was there bc i sent him an IM with a link to an amazingly funny youtube video. evidently he got the third degree about me.

 

the first time i saw him after 5 years was in october, about amonth before i moved here. he drove over (he is an hour away from me too) and we went to dinner with my mom and just kinda hung out and caught up. that weekend we were going to halloween horor nights and his gf was orignally going to come but didn't. i always kinda wondered why she didn't, but never really asked. i know it sounds terrible but i try not to mention her too much. but at the same its not like i am throwing myself at him. i absolutley adore him, WAY too much to come across like the type of girl that will try and wreak a relationship ... just to clarify .. it is ME that makes sure we are not alone together. as long as he has gf there has to be boundaries.

 

smitten with me huh? i think you just made my day what do i do now?

[vanilla87]

yes we hung out while she was home and we were here. like i said she lives down there and i don't know how often they actually do see each other. i do know she got bent out of shape one night she was there bc i sent him an IM with a link to an amazingly funny youtube video. evidently he got the third degree about me.

 

the first time i saw him after 5 years was in october, about amonth before i moved here. he drove over (he is an hour away from me too) and we went to dinner with my mom and just kinda hung out and caught up. that weekend we were going to halloween horor nights and his gf was orignally going to come but didn't. i always kinda wondered why she didn't, but never really asked. i know it sounds terrible but i try not to mention her too much. but at the same its not like i am throwing myself at him. i absolutley adore him, WAY too much to come across like the type of girl that will try and wreak a relationship ... just to clarify .. it is ME that makes sure we are not alone together. as long as he has gf there has to be boundaries.

 

smitten with me huh? i think you just made my day what do i do now?

 

Ah well then keep doing what your doing, but make sure you don't make it seem like your not interested, but also remember that if his gf knows, then well she is going to give him the 3rd degree almost everytime.

 

hmm, she didn't go to halloween horror nights? interesting, makes me wonder what was so IMPORTANT to miss out on hanging with her bf.

 

Ahh he lives an hour from you, makes senses now. If you guys lives under 30 minutes of one another, even 20 minutes, he would probably try and hang out with you more and then make a move on you and dump her, but being your far away like his gf, he won't risk it, too much work maybe, but also its probably too much work in general with his gf 3 hours away, actually guys are not fond of girls being that far away unless she goes to school, but still then its risky.

 

My friend live about 15 minutes from me and its really easy to hang out and see each other as much as we want to, which makes it easy for things to progress if they ever do. Thats one reason you have to look at it is distance could be a main reason he won't push for it, unless he really likes you, then he will drive his butt out to see you.

 

question, does he talk about his girlfriend at all? if so is a lot? like mentioning her name more then 5-10 times in under 20 minutes?

[prncssfce9]

i have actually never heard him utter her name. he will refer to her as "my girlfriend" but rarely. in fact when we went to dinner with my mom he kind of avoided the issue all together. this weekend he mentioned that he had to call her, actually more like an imitation in a whiney voice "why didn't you call me". And he later got into what appeared to be a fight with her on the phone. i felt bad ... thought it was my fault

 

and i hate that i am causing trouble ... i don't want to make things complicated but i can't help the fact that i feel this way ... and have for so long. even though nothing ever happened between us, even though he is always picking on me just being around him makes me smile.

[vanilla87]

i have actually never heard him utter her name. he will refer to her as "my girlfriend" but rarely. in fact when we went to dinner with my mom he kind of avoided the issue all together. this weekend he mentioned that he had to call her, actually more like an imitation in a whiney voice "why didn't you call me". And he later got into what appeared to be a fight with her on the phone. i felt bad ... thought it was my fault

 

and i hate that i am causing trouble ... i don't want to make things complicated but i can't help the fact that i feel this way ... and have for so long. even though nothing ever happened between us, even though he is always picking on me just being around him makes me smile.

 

 

the fact that he barely mentions her is a sign that he likes you, cause no guy will ever mention anything important about and ex or a gf, if he is honest about things falling apart its a sign a guy could be up in the air about not only you but the gf. Also the fact he never said a word of his gf to your mom, says he is trying to get in her good graces. Also guys only use a gf's name when its needed, like to explain a story so you understand which person it is.

 

Also a another clue is if she calls him and your hanging out and he never mentions that he is with you or that its just a friend and that he forgets to mention its a female, is a huge sign he could be into you, but also sneaky. Another one is if they already have spoken "I love you" to one another and they are about to get off the phone and she says it but he doesn't means one of two things: they were in a fight or he doesn't want to say it too, the latter means he likes you.

 

haha, he picks on you? hunny its a big sign he likes you, lol, any guy that picks on you, gives you a nickname, or does something physical to you in a flirty way, is a huge sign, cause if a guy can't verbalize he likes you he will physically show it to you instead.

 

Also guys that use names like "sweetie" or "sweetheart" or anything similar with a female friend is usually vibing her, unless she is practically like a sister to him, its a sign that he likes her.

[D-Lish]

the fact that he barely mentions her is a sign that he likes you, cause no guy will ever mention anything important about and ex or a gf, haha, he picks on you? hunny its a big sign he likes you, lol, any guy that picks on you, gives you a nickname, or does something physical to you in a flirty way, is a huge sign, cause if a guy can't verbalize he likes you he will physically show it to you instead.

 

Also guys that use names like "sweetie" or "sweetheart" or anything similar with a female friend is usually vibing her, unless she is practically like a sister to him, its a sign that he likes her.

 

The true sign that he likes you is when he breaks up with his gf and tells you so.

 

I'd be questioning why, after all these years of him knowing you are "there" if he wants you, why hasn't he ever made a move?

 

With all the time you've been spending together, you'd think he would have come to a conclusion by now!

 

I wouldn't be letting him know so easily that you are waiting for him.

The best way to find out wtf is going on in his head is to feign some interest in someone else.

 

Right now he has your adoration, and he has a gf... sounds pretty good!

She's long distance, so you fill the companionship when she isn't available.

 

I'd mention to him someone has asked you out and see how he reacts.

Afterall, he's not your bf... so he really doesn't have a say... But, it will force him to sh*t or get off the pot.

[prncssfce9]

D-lish ... the reason he hasn't "made a move" after all this time is because until about 6 weeks ago I lived 4 states away with little intention of even returning to this state. but my mom got really sick and i came home to help, and doing so prompted me go back to grad school .... so here i am.

 

so basically after a 5 year hiatus in our relationship, i have been here 2 months and we talk nearly every day and hang out quite a bit. but as for feigning interest in imaginary people ... not likely. i'm not into playing games.

[vanilla87]

So I'm curious to know if anything has changed. What is the progress of the situation now?

[prncssfce9]

Not sure ... as far as i know he still has a girlfriend but the more i think about it ... i can't figure out when he actually sees her! like i said he hung out with me last weekend, and this weekend his parents are visiting him (i know this bc he called me friday afternoon).

 

actually this past week i have talked to him in some way everyday. a couple times on the phone but most often through IM ... and he IMed me. But the most interesting/confusing thing ... Friday afternoon (around 5) he called me to tell me he bought Mario Kart for the Wii (the game i am currently obsessed with) and he told me to get my Wii online so we could play. I couldn't get it to work, and he tried to walk me through it, but he had to run bc his parents where on thier way. Didn't talk to him yesterday so ... i guess ... no real progress. Unless of course you see something i clearly don't

 

thanks for being interested its nice to have someone to share my insanity with

[vanilla87]

Not sure ... as far as i know he still has a girlfriend but the more i think about it ... i can't figure out when he actually sees her! like i said he hung out with me last weekend, and this weekend his parents are visiting him (i know this bc he called me friday afternoon).

 

actually this past week i have talked to him in some way everyday. a couple times on the phone but most often through IM ... and he IMed me. But the most interesting/confusing thing ... Friday afternoon (around 5) he called me to tell me he bought Mario Kart for the Wii (the game i am currently obsessed with) and he told me to get my Wii online so we could play. I couldn't get it to work, and he tried to walk me through it, but he had to run bc his parents where on thier way. Didn't talk to him yesterday so ... i guess ... no real progress. Unless of course you see something i clearly don't

 

thanks for being interested its nice to have someone to share my insanity with

 

hmm, interesting. You should try and play the game at his place, i mean you can't get your Wii to work, plus it'll keep him on his toes if he has to think about being around for competitive reasons. Also the fact that its one of your current favorite games and he called to tell you so he could play the game with you, its a big sign, cause no guy will say that unless he wants to see how you match up against him.

 

He has talked to you pretty much everyday? Interesting. So the only days you haven't talk to him are the days his parents showed up.

 

I'm interested in one thing though, has he introduced the gf to his parents yet? If not, do they know about you?

 

Stuff like that is important. Also what does his friends think of his gf? If they are not keen on her and are more excited when your around, thats a sign that you need to take into consideration...

[prncssfce9]

yes he has introduced her to his parents ... but they have been dating for like 2 years now. i did actually talk to him today while his parents were over. and yes i do know them, and they know and adore me! but remember i have known him my whole life. his dad actually used to joke about me marrying his son ... but that was YEARS ago!!

speaking of the Wii ... when i talked to him today he spent half an hour trying to figure out how to get the internet working for me again, and when we couldn't looked up to see if the problem was my router ... he also said something funny. remember how i told you that he is always hazing me a little? well today he mentioned that he refrained from making a smart ass comment but he doesn't mean them ... he just can't stop his brain from saying things like that around me ...

 

i'm not actually sure what his friends think of her, i don;t really know his friends anymore. i have been gone for 8 years after all. but i know our mutual friend (the one that is like a brother to him) doesn't think they are right together.

[vanilla87]

his dad actually used to joke about me marrying his son ... but that was YEARS ago!!

But still his father joked, doesn't matter when and I bet if you came around again, he might jab at his son about it, again.

 

he also said something funny. remember how i told you that he is always hazing me a little? well today he mentioned that he refrained from making a smart ass comment but he doesn't mean them ... he just can't stop his brain from saying things like that around me ...

lol my friend is the exact same way, he can't help it either, I think most guys can't around girls they are attracted to, mostly cause the stupid light goes on and they forget to watch what they say, its kind of grade school, but guys still do it every time.

 

i'm not actually sure what his friends think of her, i don;t really know his friends anymore. i have been gone for 8 years after all. but i know our mutual friend (the one that is like a brother to him) doesn't think they are right together.

Well a mutual friend will either lie or be honest, depending on a few things, mostly if the said mention friend loves the person they are dating. My good friend was trying to get me to stop liking my friend and thought I wanted his relationship to fail, but turned out I was actually hoping for things to work, even though I knew it would fail, facts stated from simple observation of his now ex.

 

Anyway, my best bet is if they made that comment, chances are they are hoping maybe you'll do more flirting and get him to notice you more, so he can leave that girl behind and be with you, and being he is like a brother to him, he is looking out for his best interest, which means being he knows you well enough he probably knows that you would treat him better then his current girl, which says maybe your friend isn't being as honest about what is really going on with his gf....