malibustacydoll Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 For those of you who are married or have been married, what is one thing that you wish you knew before you got married? What is a problem you have had since you got married that you didn't anticipate having an impact on your relationship? This could be good or bad-- anything that you just didn't know before marriage and would like to share with someone who has never been married. Thanks :-)
jwi71 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Make time for one another. After all the kids, and the jobs, and the mortgage and the bills...find time for one another. Even the small things speak volumes. Everyone says but it can be devilishly difficult to do. So, every week of your marriage - take time to appreciate your spouse. My .02
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 what is one thing that you wish you knew before you got married? How difficult and yet important it is to accept each other's differences in perspective. I can't underscore that enough. No matter how compatible, there are always differences. The only thing that never changes about being married is change
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Your spouses habits and things that just bug the crap out of you - KEEP all that stuff in perspective and let it go because remember, each of us do have annoying habits that someone else has to put up with as well. All bad moments of irritation do pass..And trust me, it's those little annoying things that get under your skin that makes you want to divorce sometimes! (I'm looking at this now as humourous but we all know during those times it isn't that funny)
soserious1 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I wish I'd know how quickly the good times would end. I also wish I'd know that my choice was going to negatively impact me every single day for the rest of my life. Had I known, I'd have opted to not marry.
D-Lish Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I wish I had known it didn't mean "forever". I wish I had known he was a cheater. I wish I had known I was going to end up divorced.
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Forgot to add, and I was woefully ignorant in this area, even at my advanced age..... identifying and qualifying incompatibilities which, on the surface, seem minor as an unmarried person, but which can become deal-breakers during a life-long partnership. I vastly undervalued the importance (negatively) of disparate emotional styles and setpoints. I also was way too evolved when qualifying familial history and family dynamics and seeing each person (including myself) with unique potential irrespective of their "roots". Family compatibility is super-important, IMO. As my good female friend puts it, so eloquently...."Love me, love my family" (warts and all). So true.
luvstarved Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 In all my LTRs, 2 marriages, 3 additional engagements...in retrospect, I was aware of every problem that ended up being the "killer" problem for me LONG before any commitment. I passed them off as not a big deal, or probably just pre-commitment stress, and sometimes even endearing. In the long run, though, these "negligible" items grew like monsters and ate the love... 1) womanizing - there was an open marriage that I thought I was "enlightened" enough for. I was wrong. 2) Mr Fix It - worked on cars and house stuff constantly, including numerous requests from neighbors. Faithful, but no time for the R, and what there was was unromantic 3) bisexual past - never came back in real terms, but couple of guy friends mentioned they felt he was attracted to them ("got a vibe") and I realized I couldn't handle waiting for the other shoe to drop 4) cultural differences - we'd watch the same tv show and laugh at entirely different scenes. Interesting at first, major communication and philosophical issues down the road. 5) (current H) narcissistic Mama's Boy -charming boyishness mutates into selfish prickhood Maybe you don't have anything big going on...but I would urge you to pay attention and do some soul-searching over any "tiny misgiving" or "red flag". Talk it out if possible. You can't always predict what is going to bother you later, but your awareness should be as deep as possible and your expectations should be as realistic as possible. Best wishes.
GoodOnPaper Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I wish that I knew that getting married wouldn't automatically resolve my insecurities and issues with women, sex, relationships, etc. I also wish that I knew that if there is little physical attraction at the beginning of a relationship, it doesn't grow over time -- consequently, building long-term intimacy is very, very difficult.
Trialbyfire Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I wish I had known that NPD existed and that my ex had it.
Kasan Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I wish I had known, just how hard compromising can be. How difficult putting someone's needs ahead of your own can be. And..........what bugs the crap out of you (per Whichwayisup) will still bug the crap out of you years later.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 And..........what bugs the crap out of you (per Whichwayisup) will still bug the crap out of you years later. What keeps me sane though is, all that stuff is so minor compared to the bigger picture in life. I DO have moments when he drives me crazy and I think to myself, "this is the rest of my life, shoot me now.." but I keep it in check and the good stuff outweighs those annoying times he is on my nerves. I'm sure I get on his nerves as well.
AMAN Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Having to take total control over the 'common-sense' aspects of our relationship. Coming home from work on a snowy night and finding her car stuck in a snow drift, with her shoveling out the REAR tires of her front wheel drive car to get it moving again. Then having to explain step-by-step how to rock a car to get it moving again, then having to do it myself when she completely failed to put it into practice. THEN getting to listen to her explain how she though she could just drive through the drift and the car would push the snow out of the way. Makes my blood boil just thinking about it.
Trimmer Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Having to take total control over the 'common-sense' aspects of our relationship. Coming home from work on a snowy night and finding her car stuck in a snow drift, with her shoveling out the REAR tires of her front wheel drive car to get it moving again. Then having to explain step-by-step how to rock a car to get it moving again, then having to do it myself when she completely failed to put it into practice. THEN getting to listen to her explain how she though she could just drive through the drift and the car would push the snow out of the way. Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. Ha! Dude, if that's as bad as it gets for you, you'll be living a charmed life. I'd be interested to hear your answer 10 or 15 years down the road. For me, it would probably be that even though you believe your marriage to be the most special one out there, that doesn't insulate you from difficulties. In fact, that naivete just makes the fall that much harder.
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