BrotherD Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Thoughts of LC As most of you have already read, I’m a big proponent of the following If the MM/MW wanted to be with us, they wouldHanging around picking up crumbs is a waste of timeHow can you respect someone who is kissing your a**?The MM/MW timeline for making a decision is theirs, not ours… Linger at your own riskBottom line…No contact.They won’t forget us… Having said all that, I had a relapse with my married sweetheart. Someone on the board said that LC can actually be beneficial as it essentially neutralizes any hindsight with rose colored glasses on. True dat! In my recent rekindling of a “friendship,” I have been reintroduced to all the shyte that was driving me crazy. Nothing has changed. They are still together. I got to revisit the game playing and stringing along that was the reason for going NC. I was updated on all the drama I MISSED!!!! Yea! There have been “aha” moments as well We have a very strong spark for each other. Being in NC did not dilute that. So all you folks out there worrying if they have forgotten about you..THEY HAVENT. I genuinely care for this person, but again, contact actually helped see the bad stuff too, not just the good times I replay in my head at night before I fall sleep. So it feels like a pressure valve has been popped. I no longer feel like my stomachs dropping out when I see her. I can honestly say I am sort of over it. What’s clear now, is that I can’t live my life being someone’s second choice. It’s a drag. I don’t want it. Like a hangover after a party. Was the night of cavorting about worth “praying to the porcelain god” in the morning? Nope. So I’m left with the following revelations. 1.)When we are in the thick of these EMR, are we not just a little crazy? Certainly the MM/MP has issues, but we do too… As we get involved in these relationships, we lose our identity and succumb to very irrational thoughts and emotions. I’ve heard it time and time again on these boards about how much of themselves we’ve have sacrificed for these dumb relationships We are not ourselves and we are acting accordingly. As I am coming out of the ether, I feel myself coming back with distinct boundaries in place. And as the imposter fades away and I reappear, with confidence and limits, I think I become more attractive, not just to MP but to others as well. Whether you want a chance to be with them or not, being some crazy, hologram of who you are ain’t gonna do it. Be the person you were before the affair. Not just to get your honey to come to you, because if it doesn’t work out (and it probably won’t,) you can go to the next relationship with your best foot forward. 2.)We can be in light/no contact, without throwing a “snit” I don’t know how I will proceed from here on out as I have patched things up and want to keep it that way. But here’s what I’m thinking. I will remain in LC for now. I don’t have to cross the street when I see her, and I don’t have to make her my enemy. If things change so be it. If not I can still see her around town and not have to look the other way. I am firm on a non-sexual relationship. That’s how cake eaters get their cake. And sex works almost to a counter effect because they can have the best of both worlds..a perfect example of setting a boundary is “until your mine, no more sugar on the side!” 3.) Heres the scary part. After we regain who we are and get our heads on straight our attractiveness soars. We dont have the wierd "treat me like ca-ca" stink anymore. And I promise if anything will bring your sweetheart to you it is regaining your mo-jo in this regard...So be careful of what you wish for! after all the shyte I've been through I MIGHT NOT BE INTO IT ANYMORE! Finally Even if I get all crazy again, all this was a not a waste time. Its back to NC knowing that any contact isn’t good for me. But I wanted to share that a little dose of poison might just be what the doctor ordered...
jj33 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 That sounds like its working for you. Another thing though that I have noticed and maybe I just dont get a lot of what drives this guy at all, but sometimes I think that just being able to be in contact is enough for them to some extent and knowing that they can get their fix or talking to you (even if its not personal). And that keeps the fantasy alive in his WS's mind. The other thing is as you say that when you restart LC its less charged than the A and its aftermath. And that often emboldens them to try to move closer and then you get into a different form of the dance again. Its only worth it if it leads to what you want or if you are happy with the status quo. But I agree with you being on better terms is far more comfortable than being on worse terms and not being civil to one another.
raspberries Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 All I have to say is "Thank you BrotherD!" It's as if you read my mind and expressed what I couldn't put to words. I felt I was reading my own story as I read yours. Thanks again!
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Can I ask what the point of light contact is? For you I mean. Or is it for the same reason: but sometimes I think that just being able to be in contact is enough for them to some extent and knowing that they can get their fix or talking to you (even if its not personal). And that keeps the fantasy alive in his WS's mind. Are you getting a fix by keeping abit of contact? Is she in your life in a sense that you will call her and talk to her about stuff going on? Are you part of her daily life again? Or is it just a hi and bye, wave on the street to be polite kind of contact?
frannie Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Hello BrotherD, I don't know whether it was my posts about how well LC has worked for me you were talking about, or not, but I can say that my experience has been pretty similar to yours. I think that just being able to be in contact is enough for them to some extent and knowing that they can get their fix or talking to you (even if its not personal). And that keeps the fantasy alive in his WS's mind. jj33, I think this is no doubt true, but I'd say two things about that. 1) That's fine. Because LC or NC or whatever I choose to do is for me, and whatever they (the MM/MW) are getting out of it doesn't bother me any longer. If I need/want LC, then I'm going to have it for me (as long as he's agreeable ). This is no longer about 'the affair' or whether or not he's going to leave. It's about what keeps me sane. Even if that's trickle-contact or as WWIU pictured it, a sort of fix. Yeah, it is. But that's fine with me. NC made me obsessive, LC... I'm sane. For a lot of the reasons BrotherD emphasised: the rose-tints tend to come off. 2) Again, echoing what BrotherD said... when you're LC (mixed with some NC), you start to get yourself back again, and you become a lot happier, and a lot more attractive to other people and MP senses that. Not that that should be a goal... but it certainly is a huge side-effect. One that I've noticed, and BD obviously has noticed too. You do become the person you were before the affair, not that shell of a person who used to be hanging on the MP's words and wondering 'what does this meeeeeeen??' So... the fact that the MP might be getting a little trickle of their needs met? So what. It's more than counterbalanced by the fact I feel human again, and much, much less needy.
jj33 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Frannie that makes a lot of sense. For whatever reason its taken me ages and ages to get past the shell stage. Am just starting to come out of it now. Look forward to seeing the side efects - not that I would be more attractive to that man, but to others....
wildsoul Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 So... the fact that the MP might be getting a little trickle of their needs met? So what. It's more than counterbalanced by the fact I feel human again, and much, much less needy. This makes sense to me. One has to guage whether the contact is a small crutch that helps you restabilize, or if it just makes it harder to get unhooked. Although the NC crowd gets really adamant about that being the only way to heal, LC can work for some people, some of the time.
Author BrotherD Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Hello BrotherD, I don't know whether it was my posts about how well LC has worked for me you were talking about, or not, but I can say that my experience has been pretty similar to yours. Hi Frannie- I do believe it was you that posted that. Thank you for you're astute observation.... I re-read some of my earlier posts and my post is quite a reversal from my hardline stance...Thanks to you, I was able to "get off it," regain my bearings and as we have shared and emerge from the fog of our emotions and thoughts... I do believe that contact can be a precarious position, if we're not ready. I did have roughly 90 NC under my belt nefore my "a-ha" moment, so in all farness, NC was responsible for a good chuck of my new found clarity... The other thing I woudl like to add, is when I had a conversation with her, she was VERY distressed that I cut her off the way I did...She was very non chalant at first but as we continued our conversation, she shared that she "couldnt believe I stopped talking to her...." If she had blown me out first, before I got to it, I would have been devastated. That was right in prime time of my confusion over the situation and I would not have handled it well.. So that was another key insight... NC can be very devastating to who ever is on the wrong side of it. Granted, I had to break away because it (I) was going crazy over the whole mess and STOPPING IT was the right thing to do... So it's a catch -22 You have to do it for your sanity, but there are costs associated with it. I felt bad about being so cold to her.... Now, remember, nothing has changed. She still has a ring on her finger... And it's important to emphasize that if you CANNOT HANDLE seeing that, then NC is still the way to go...And I stick by my earlier posts... But, as the spell wears off and I look at the situation the following becuase crystal clear... I romatizised her marriage as this beautiful thing - it's not! They are miserable!! I cant believe how much I padded the situation and made myself crazy and jealous. Their love is like paper roses, only an imitation... But when we have whatever that chemical is coarsing theough our veins getting us high, we start totell ourselves CRAZY stuff... I would be lying if I said seeing the ring doesnt bother me , it does. But I see it for what it symbolizes now... Two people who barely tolerate each other. Why they stay together is anybodies guess...Not my concern or reason to upset myself over it... Anyhoo thanks for all the feedback you guys and gals... BroD
frannie Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 This makes sense to me. One has to guage whether the contact is a small crutch that helps you restabilize, or if it just makes it harder to get unhooked. Although the NC crowd gets really adamant about that being the only way to heal, LC can work for some people, some of the time. Yes. Personally, I don't really want to get 'unhooked' as such. I'm happier with him in my life, no matter what the level of contact or type of relationship. We seem to have successfully moved past the full-blown affair and into something that makes more sense. Put it this way, my litmus test is am I going crazy, am I getting on with my professional and social life, and those are (currently) answered for me in the way I need to be. Hi Frannie- I do believe it was you that posted that. Thank you for you're astute observation.... I did have roughly 90 NC under my belt nefore my "a-ha" moment, so in all farness, NC was responsible for a good chuck of my new found clarity... Yes, mine too. We had seven or eight months of total NC apart from one day of contact in the middle (which precipitated a d-day ). Had I not had all that NC I definitely wouldn't be mentally where I am today.
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