carhill Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Yep, the opposite (antithesis) of love is indifference. Not seeing that here. Sorry
Mary3 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Yes Ruby hate and love . ..............Powerful emotions. I do NOT think he hates her. He hates her like a fat kid hates chocolate cake ! ( No pun intended for overweight kids , merely using a statement moved around a little bit ) Ruby what are we going to do with you ? You spark alot of concern here and EVERYONE is telling you to be on guard and PROTECT your heart. Why do we feel so strongly. I suspect maybe this might of happened to some of us in our lives ( being the rebound for a bf/gf who was not over someone else , I admit it's happened to me ) You are clinging and he's clinging to your clinging but the problem is what you are clinging to is TOXIC ! He is clinging because his girl is shoving logic down his throat and they are both suffering . Even if their relationship fell dead in the water , you should still back away from this guy. What the heck is wrong with him ? He is using 2 girls , hurting BOTH and seems to be okay with this whole nightmare. Like I said , unless you are very old , you can find someone better. Even old people fall in love by the way so if you are old you can find better love than this.
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 When someone rubberbands back and forth between women, he's not addressing his own issues. He's using both of you to support his selfish needs. Run, Ruby, Run! Find your self-respect and bring up those self-protection mechanisms. It's not worth the emotional scarring.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I was in a similar situation many years ago. Not the same, but similar enough. He played me like a fiddle and eventually he went back to her. the whole time we were together he was like, I care so much about both of you, I'm just not sure what is best for me, but you're so amazing......blah blah blah. I know it's hard to face this reality, but you need to look at it head on. EVEN IF he decides to be with you, this does not erase the fact that he has used you (and her) in the past. I mean sleeping with you in the afternoon and going on a date with her that night?!? This is not a man of integrity.
2sunny Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 bottom line is - he's not available emotionally or physically. he's pretending to be - so he can still get his needs met. then he goes over to her house and does the same thing to her. this makes him selfish, self-centered and egotistical. are these the qualities you want in a healthy, happy relationship? qualities in your man that should hold you in the highest regard? doesn't look like you have the man you've made him out to be. are you so desperate to have a man (ANY MAN) that you are willing to compromise so much - in order to say that you have a man around? he is NOT a man, he's an a$$!!! you are compromising your integrity by being desperate for even a small amount of attention - even if it's negative attention. he's used you and you are a willing participant. do you love yourself in such a small capacity that you are willing to settle for this as love? THIS IS NOT LOVE! my biggest enemies wouldn't do such things to me - and i certainly would never allow it!!! learn to love yourself a lot more before offering any part of yourself to any man. when you are in a healthy, loving place with yourself - you will attract a healthy, loving man. set a healthy boundary and stick to it. pick a boundary that shows you have some sort of self respect. your child is angry with you because he/she recognizes that your aren't respecting yourself. what a sad example to set for your own child. ps - why would a man of his age need to borrow money from her? this loser honestly sounds like he may have a drug issue or some problem. something in this whole scenario is terribly "off."
Mary3 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I was in a similar situation many years ago. Not the same, but similar enough. He played me like a fiddle and eventually he went back to her. the whole time we were together he was like, I care so much about both of you, I'm just not sure what is best for me, but you're so amazing......blah blah blah. I know it's hard to face this reality, but you need to look at it head on. EVEN IF he decides to be with you, this does not erase the fact that he has used you (and her) in the past. I mean sleeping with you in the afternoon and going on a date with her that night?!? This is not a man of integrity. I relate to this so much. They should never step into your world when they carry all that baggage. But they do ! The secret is to LISTEN to everything coming out of their mouth. Right answer : You : So are you and your ex still friends ? Him : I really don't think much about her to be honest , ( GOOD answer ) Or : Him : That dirty tramp . She took all my money and I check on her Myspace daily, her facebook , and her job and she is seeing 3 guys and BOY does that burn my a___ ( very BAD ) Not good : You : Honey who was that who called ? Him : The phone rang ? You : Of course it rang , I saw you pick it up . Him : Oh that , just my ex stalking and harassing me . You : Thats weird because she called here earlier and told you she was getting a Restraining Order. Him : Oh that , she just loves drama You : No , whats more weird is you got a tatoo with her name emblazed on your backside. I thought you were going to try and have that lasered off ? Him : Stop harassing me. I am very upset. Her and I have love- er I mean I still CARE about her. You : Do you still love her ? Him : Geez its only been 22 months since we broke up ! Give me a break dear . You : You know I think you need some time alone. You are obsessing. For the future I will be your distant friend and ONLY your friend. You are not ready for a R. And when you might be I will be gone. Goodbye.
LovieDove24 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Hmph. I was a man's rebound once and guess where it got me? Two months pregnant and dumped. Trust me, your situation could be worse. My ex dated a girl for a year, lived with her, bought a dog together than (apparantly) got brutally dumped by her. She kept the apartment and dog, yada yada yada. He was in therapy for it and had to go on anti-depressants. Puh lease. Seven months later he met me, and do you know what? The first date he took me on I heard him call his ex a Bit*h. Wooooaaahhh buddy I'd never done the rebound thing before but even still this was a big flag for me. Over the next couple months though he highly pursued me and constantly reassured me he was over her. Plus I figured it'd been almost a year, he shoulda been over it. So yeah, I bought it. Looking back now, why did I have to be convinced he was over her? Shouldn't I have just known it? Why did I tolerate being compared to her and hearing about their life together? Why did I not take the hint when he was still going to therapy twice a week and otherwise had a seemingly healthy upbringing and life? HE WAS STILL NOT OVER HER AND I SHOULD NOT HAVE LET THIS GO ON. But I did, so I understand where you're coming from. The sad part is, your situation is not unique. He's not over her and can't ever GET over her so long as he's with you. Sorry. Please take my advice and be DOORMAT NO MORE!
Mary3 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Here is my short story. Met a guy , he quickly fell for me , told me he loved me in a span of 2 weeks ?. Everything was FAST ! I wondered why so fast ? Anyways , he told me he broke up with ( rather SHE did break up with him because she did not have any FEELINGS but he had plenty. ) He said he went away for a couple of months because it hurt so bad. He used the word devastated. ( Now we all have been hurt and it takes time to heal but I was a new born babe to this rebound stuff ) Then one day , she called him. He looked so happy to hear from her. Remember he is deeply involved with me at this time and so they talk on the phone while I am in the car. She does not show for planned parties or events his MOM invited her to because she loved that girl. ( Strike 2 for me ) lol.....Anyway, I finally met her and I saw she had ZERO interest in this man , treated him like a brother ( that must have really ATE at him because he worshipped her ( I later found out ). So he wanted her to go to Holiday Partys and all that and back then it upset me . I said something ...( I guess that was the beginning of the END for me with him ) He decided I needed to go and she needed to stay near his heart. He started finding excuses to go be near her and like a lighening bolt it hit me. I don't do 3 somes ! This is a 3 way , at least in his head....I said time for me to back off. We ended up being friends , kind of FWB ( big mistake ) I know....Then he cried about something that happened to his car , ( He caused it by not being careful ) and then it just slid after that. I remember he would look into the Heavens and talk about this girl...Worshipping her.....When he got mad at me , he would talk about this girl ( Worship again ) I thought I can NEVER be this girl , this tall , thick , manly type girl ( she was built like a tough football player . No competition here but still he wanted HER . So the years went by........ and he had to painfully watch her go out with guys and watch R's develop. She was close to marrying a few as time went on. He asked for his own pain , agreeing to be her buddy buddy confidant .... Clarify : 3 ways meaning emotional 3 ways , not sexual.....lol
Author Ruby Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I am shocked at the level of reponses here, thank you all so much. You all seem to care as well which has shocked me again I know you are all right and I also know in my heart that I am going to get hurt again somewhere along the road. We have spent all weekend together and it has been nice but I have to say that I am questioning everything he says. He is telling me that he has got closure from her now but he is still talking about her in a bad way. Someone mentioned drugs and I can say that he does do coke a few times every few weeks but says it is recreational. I really have listened to you all and taken in every word you have all said (special thanks to Mary3) and I will deal with this in a way that is less heartbreaking for me. Thank you for all being there and not being mean to me, I appreciate it.
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 We have spent all weekend together and it has been nice but I have to say that I am questioning everything he says. He is telling me that he has got closure from her now but he is still talking about her in a bad way. That does not equal closure. That shows that he is still in pain from whatever happened. Someone mentioned drugs and I can say that he does do coke a few times every few weeks but says it is recreational. That does not sound recreational to me. I really have listened to you all and taken in every word you have all said (special thanks to Mary3) and I will deal with this in a way that is less heartbreaking for me. . I hope this means not spending the weekend with him. If you are questioning everything he does, you've lost your trust in him. Your mind is actually thinking in the right way, however, you need to stay away from him, which you have a problem doing.
Author Ruby Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 DG,my feelings for him are immense and I also feel that to let him go when he is the first man I have introduced to my child would be hard. I have lost trust in him and wonder at whether I can get it back I do not know why this is so hard for me
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 DG,my feelings for him are immense and I also feel that to let him go when he is the first man I have introduced to my child would be hard. I have lost trust in him and wonder at whether I can get it back I do not know why this is so hard for me It's hard to let go when we put so much faith and love into someone, only to have them betray us. Feelings are very important, but so are actions. His actions are not showing that he wants you and only you. I think you need to move on, but if you refuse to do that, you need to at least let him go long enough to be over his ex. The anger needs to be gone.
MindoverMatter Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You know him for 3 months, he uses coke several times a week, speaks badly about his ex and you let him into your child's life? I don't mean to be harsh, but you really need to look at the bigger picture here. You are not only responsible for your own happiness but also for the happiness of your child. Subjecting him or her to a person like this is not a good idea. Do not let your child bond with someone who obviously is not ready nor eager to be with you alone. Don't wonder whether you can find your trust back, but be thankful that you don't trust him anymore. Use it to get the strength to leave him - for good.
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You know him for 3 months, he uses coke several times a week, speaks badly about his ex and you let him into your child's life? I don't mean to be harsh, but you really need to look at the bigger picture here. You are not only responsible for your own happiness but also for the happiness of your child. Subjecting him or her to a person like this is not a good idea. Do not let your child bond with someone who obviously is not ready nor eager to be with you alone. Don't wonder whether you can find your trust back, but be thankful that you don't trust him anymore. Use it to get the strength to leave him - for good. I agree with you 100%, yet I don't see OP doing this.
Author Ruby Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 You are right mind, and your post made me cry as I know I am being a bad mom. I was never this weak and I know I need to do the right thing here, I just don't know how
MindoverMatter Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Imagine he were a bad drug habit. You can't just bow out of it step by step, you need to make a drastic cut. He is an addiction. Do not let him into your life again. Close that door. Write him, don't even talk to him, that it's over and that you think he is bad influence in your and that you don't want him to get back in touch with you or anything. After that, have your best friend delete his numbers and block him on whatever chat client you might have him. Get busy the next days, if possible take a mini break and go somewhere else to relax. Think of him as a bag of heroin. You can't just see him a little, he is toxic, if you see him for even a minute, you're hooked again.
Mary3 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Ruby you are the soothing balm agent in his body because he is HURTING from her. You actually never were removed from the position of Rebound. You are still the rebound girl thanks to HIM. He did this to you , now that you are aware of it , you can GO now. Or of course you can stay and stick around for more torture.... IT TAKES A VERY LONG TIME TO GET OVER SOMEONE YOU WERE WITH 4 YEARS ! And in 3 months you have witnessed coke , saw him walk out on you for her, saw him furious with her ( welcome to THEIR drama ) , saw him contemplate messing with her myspace or facebook or whatever you said earlier where he was going to tell others through email...You brought your child into this mess by introducing the child to him ( I know you thought it was forever ) but the child is going to be damaged now unless you REMOVE yourself from this mess of a guy and soothe your CHILD and not this 2 timer . Sure it feels nice to be with him. Even when we break up with someone sometimes we agree to certain arrangements NOT healthy for us. Ruby are you sure you are mentally healthy ~No women would put up with this crap. Its really not love because he does NOT love you. You feel its love because you want to be loved and until he SAPS everything out of you and GOES BACK TO HER , which he will as their roller coaster breakup will keep momentum and speed as long as they both FEED off it and they ARE doing that ! You were just the unfortunate victim of a Rebound. Try not to let that happen to you again. I bet if I ask you " Did he EVERRRRRRR mention this girl when you were getting to know him ? I Bet you would say YES ! AM I right ?
Author Ruby Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I know you are right but I thought I would share this with you. He wants to take things slow and will not come to my house or see my son. We spent all weekend together at his place. He sent his ex a text telling her not to call or text as he would not answer and she sent him one today saying that she may get arrested because he called the police on her and for as long as she is breathing she will never talk to him again. He showed me the texts.
2sunny Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I know you are right but I thought I would share this with you. He wants to take things slow and will not come to my house or see my son. We spent all weekend together at his place. He sent his ex a text telling her not to call or text as he would not answer and she sent him one today saying that she may get arrested because he called the police on her and for as long as she is breathing she will never talk to him again. He showed me the texts. cut him off!!! this is WAY too much drama for any healthy relationship! he's bringing the crap from their relationship into the picture with you. and YOU'RE ALLOWING IT! why? why would you want this loser? for me, it would be so much better and easier to be HAPPY without all the drama you seem to be constantly tangled up in. tell him not to contact, see you or call you anymore! tell me you haven't given him money? if no money, then he only continues coming back for sex. he's got all his emotions tied up with her - there's no way he could have anything left to give to you...nothing positive that's for sure. you are willing to settled for even the crap stuff he leaves laying around. that's not what happy looks like.
MindoverMatter Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 He sent his ex a text telling her not to call or text as he would not answer and she sent him one today saying that she may get arrested because he called the police on her and for as long as she is breathing she will never talk to him again. He showed me the texts. :lmao::lmao: he "I hate you. she "I hate you more" he "I am just calling to say that I have nothing to say to you" she "I have nothing to say to you either. Nothing. Not a thing. Really." Please. That's ridiculous. He might not even do it on purpose. He might just be the dumbest person around. Which is still not an attractive quality.
Author Ruby Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Put like that I see the sillyness in the situation. I am keeping my son out of this until I can get the courage to end this. I have another question for you wise people, when I was really upset when he was with his ex my best friend called him and told him what she thought of his dealing with this and his refusal to see me face to face. What she said to him obviously hit home and he keeps mentioning texting or calling my friend. Do you think this is right? My friend has told me to tell him not to bother texting her as she has nothing to say to him (she has lost all respect for him)
dreamergrl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Put like that I see the sillyness in the situation. I am keeping my son out of this until I can get the courage to end this. I have another question for you wise people, when I was really upset when he was with his ex my best friend called him and told him what she thought of his dealing with this and his refusal to see me face to face. What she said to him obviously hit home and he keeps mentioning texting or calling my friend. Do you think this is right? My friend has told me to tell him not to bother texting her as she has nothing to say to him (she has lost all respect for him) No this is game playing. You're stooping to his level of immaturity.
carhill Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Yeah, (sarcastically) let's triangulate some more. OP, I think you know now that this guy is a piece of work you don't want to touch with a sworn enemy's privates. Right?
2sunny Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 there is no reason for him to contact your friend. all he would do is try to defend himself and make himself look better than he is. he's just upset that she sees him for what he is. that bothers him... you know why? yep. and you didn't make mention to him that you didn't want to see him anymore, did you? what are you so afraid of that you need to stay with such a man?
Author Ruby Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I am afraid of being alone, like I have been for the last 8 years!
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