moman Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 You were a totally Rebound girl. From beginning to the end. As soon as they whine about the ex , Run ! Thats advice for the beginning... Ruby, I'm sorry but I have to agree. RUN RUN RUN! You are better than to sit around waiting for this guy to make up his mind. He wants you today. Tomorrow he will be running into the 'ex' and wanting her again. It almost seems he is keeping you around for a backup plan. If you really believe this will work out for you and him, the best thing for you to do is not talk to him. Tell him to get this life straightened out and then call you, but not sooner than 6 months. If you are still single then, which I doubt you will be, then you can talk and see how you feel. Good luck....I'll be thinking about you and pulling for you.
Mary3 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Thank you Carhill, your kind words helped I am really struggling here, I know one hand that I need to let him go and yet I still keep answering his calls and listening to him talking about her. My best friend is really cross with me as she has spent weeks listening to me crying and offering so much help and advice and now I think she is annoyed with me too. RUBY ! What are you DOING ??? !!! HE is still calling you and WHINING about HER ! God RUBY please ! What will it take for you to feel like a RAG DOLL that he tosses around while THEY fight ??? PLease dont wait for him . EVER ! TOXIC , Bad , Icky , Pooh ! Blegh ! Let this man go . Unless your 55 and can't find dates ,I am SURE you are younger , LET HIM GO !!!!!!!
Crestfallen_KH Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Ruby, he didn't "forget about his ex" during the 3 months he was with you. What makes you think that ANYTHING changed for him emotionally over the last couple of WEEKS? It will take him MONTHS to get over a 4-year relationship. No, he's not now "over it" because they tried one last time. He didn't get genuine "closure" because that has to come completely from within, and he's feeling lost, alone and lonely and you're the most convenient, most receptive target. He already showed you he didn't love you when he left you for his ex. He never did. Why do you think you could possible build something from these ashes when the foundation wasn't strong enough to sustain things in the beginning? He was NEVER plugged in if he could be pulled away in the early days, when things are supposed to feel so great, so wonderful and so loving. Why do you think so little of yourself? If you don't tell him to get lost, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. I know you can't see it, but trust those in your life who really care about you and those of us who have no investment in this relationship: He is not over his ex, any relationship that he would have with you right now is DOOMED to fail, and you deserve an emotionally available man because life is too short.
dreamergrl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I mean do you think if he forgot about his ex that we could make a good go of things? You're reaching, and you shouldn't. This guy is not worth the time and effort. He never actually got over his ex, only temporarily filled the void until he could make it work (or try). Until this man is completely over his ex (which is obviously refuses to do), he wont get over her. It is also obvious that he wont completely forget about her, ever. Most people don't forget about exes that where a solid part of their life, whether it be good or bad. It's not even completely forgetting about them, it's just being able to realize it wont work, and moving on to find someone better. He just isn't ready to do this, and he's dragging your feelings through the mud because he just doesn't want to be alone.
Author Ruby Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I have a confession to make I went to his place yesterday and we ended up sleeping together. I dont know why I did it but I did. He went out with her later that night but he text me when he got back and took me to work this morning. I do not know what will happen now but for some reason, the fact that he slept with me makes me feel better.
MindoverMatter Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Okay. What would you tell your best friend, if she were in this situation? Write it out.
bean1 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Ruby, why do you feel you deserve to be treated this way?
stillafool Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Ruby I hate to say this but your boyfriend is NOT over his ex at all. He talks about her every day and most importantly carries a lot of anger towards her, which means he is still very much emotionally attached to her. I would dissappear if I were you and explain to him that you have been doing some thinking and realised that he is just not ready for a new relationship, tell him you care about him and would like to be with him but not until he can firmly close that door to the past and feels emotionally ready to take up with you. It's only fair, and it is what you deserve. Three months is nothing he is still going through the whole process of breaking up and is simply not ready to be invoveld with someone else quite frankly he secretly probably wishes his ex wants him back, that is where the anger stems from, he was the dumped one so he has unresolved issues. I totally agree!
dreamergrl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I have a confession to make I went to his place yesterday and we ended up sleeping together. I dont know why I did it but I did. He went out with her later that night but he text me when he got back and took me to work this morning. I do not know what will happen now but for some reason, the fact that he slept with me makes me feel better. It makes you feel better because your viewing it as him showing you he has feelings for you, but that doesn't mean he is over his ex and wont do this again. A person is capable of having feelings for more then one person. It's not healthy to go back and forth like this.
Author Ruby Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 I would tell my friend to get some self respect I love him and that is why I did it I do see him sleeping with me as proof that he cares and still likes me I am sorry to be so weak, I can see how this sounds but I really want him in my life
Mary3 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I would tell my friend to get some self respect I love him and that is why I did it I do see him sleeping with me as proof that he cares and still likes me I am sorry to be so weak, I can see how this sounds but I really want him in my life Ruby ! YOU want him like Rabies in your life ? NO -YOU -DONT - love him ! ANd he does NOT love you ! You cannot love someone without reciprocation and all you are getting is U S E D !! Sleeping with you means ZilCH ! A penis and a vagina met up last night...Listen if he LOVED you he would NEVER have stepped out on you with HER ~! If he had himself together THERE WOULD BE NO EX in the picture ! Get it. He had NO BUSINESS getting involved with you ! Okay yea I know , you laid down in the bed with him , he caressed you and made love to you ( or had sex ) You are in serious denial if you think the early bird got the worm last night when you slept with him and he STILL LOVEEEEEEEEEES HER !!! Dont you see what you are doing ? And your ex/bf/lover/player/confused guy is saying " Wow I can go over and sleep at HER house and then go back to the other girl and sleep with her too ! Both have feelings for me and both are too weak to END it with me and I am a total idiot and am using BOTH of them til my head gets straight and the one that cares about me most ( oh well ) I think shes cool but I LOVE MADLY DEEPLY the other girl and this current one was because I was lonely...awhhhhhh what a life ! " WHO GETS HURT HERE ?? YOU DO !
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 He found comfort in her arms. As an emotionally aware man, I can tell you that doesn't equate to care or love. I know this is hard to hear. I've been an emotional receptacle for women enough to know the signs you're providing here. The receptacles are just different for a man (sex). The women didn't care for me or love me; I was just a convenient receptacle. Give me another glass of wine and I'll tell you how I really feel
D-Lish Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I have a confession to make I went to his place yesterday and we ended up sleeping together. I dont know why I did it but I did. He went out with her later that night but he text me when he got back and took me to work this morning. I do not know what will happen now but for some reason, the fact that he slept with me makes me feel better. He slept with you and then went and hung out with his ex after? Honestly, there are so many things wrong with this picture. Just the fact that he calls you to lament about his ex is wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels. You need to gather up some courage and show this guy you respect yourself. He's not over her- and he's using you.
MindoverMatter Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I am going to be painfully honest here. Every chance you had that he would respect and love you, are gone. You allowed him to go back to her, then go to you, have sex, go back to her, and then meet you again. You are saying to him that it is okay for him to have sex with other women, to be with his ex, to use you whenever he has the time or appetite, to never worry about your feelings. This is what he sees. And this is what he does. And he won't change that. You've gone from being a rebound (and that's painful enough) to being a booty call. This will never become a fairy talel. If he has one shred of decency in him then he will cut you loose, harshly, one day. If he doesn't, he'll string you along. I am not saying that to hurt you. My heart aches, when I read your story. It sounds very familiar. I wish you'd take the advice that you would give your best friend. You are worth more than that.
Mary3 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I am going to be painfully honest here. Every chance you had that he would respect and love you, are gone. You allowed him to go back to her, then go to you, have sex, go back to her, and then meet you again. You are saying to him that it is okay for him to have sex with other women, to be with his ex, to use you whenever he has the time or appetite, to never worry about your feelings. This is what he sees. And this is what he does. And he won't change that. You've gone from being a rebound (and that's painful enough) to being a booty call. This will never become a fairy talel. If he has one shred of decency in him then he will cut you loose, harshly, one day. If he doesn't, he'll string you along. I am not saying that to hurt you. My heart aches, when I read your story. It sounds very familiar. I wish you'd take the advice that you would give your best friend. You are worth more than that. Soooo beautifully written ! Listen RUBY I Know I bust your chops alot but its because I CARE ! He does NOT respect you. Give me 5 things he has done in the last 4 days to show me he respects you. He ( imagine going inside his head ) He is deeeeeeply connected to this girl , so much so , they break up , they fight , they feel pain , they cry , they embrace , they make love , they feel more pain , they feel indecisive , they SUFFER. NOW add yourself to the equation : You come in there all eager to be loved and courted. He is still stewing and suffering and loving another girl , you take scraps and whatever attention he will give you and THEN after he has sex with you, he goes and Picks her up ! Do you see that as long as you say " Hey Joe , yea use me , I dont care , just come back into my bed whenever it works for you , don't worry I will pretend all is cool and pretend that sleeping with actually meant something to you . UNTIL YOU DUMP THIS CHUMP , you are going to have the same sad results. And guess what else ? When he is tired of you , he will find someone else and you will be a pesky flea on a dogs hairy back..
D-Lish Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I don't think Ruby is ready to listen...Not yet. It's sad, because we can all see it from the outside- but she will have to come to her own conclusions in her own time. It will involve heartache and sadness.... She'll have to discover that herself. Ruby only wants to hear that everything will be okay and that a fairytale ending is possible. it's not- it won't happen. It's sad. We can't help.
Author Ruby Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Thank you so much for your advice everyone. I really apreciate it. I am listening to every word you are saying, I promise you, but things have changed and I want to see if you still think the same. He has told her that he saw me and slept with me and has ended it with her and apologized to me profusely. I may be meeting him tomorrow night to talk face to face. I have alot to say to him. My son is not happy about it as he saw how hurt I was and my best friend is very upset but I feel I should fight for this. Is there any chance of this all being ok?
carhill Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 It means he will bounce back and forth between you and her many times. Think of someone on the end of a bungie cord
Author Ruby Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 But Carhill he is telling me he hates her now and he even considered emailing all of her work colleagues to tell them what she is really like. I am sure he wont go back to her as he even admitted seeing me
Mary3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 But Carhill he is telling me he hates her now and he even considered emailing all of her work colleagues to tell them what she is really like. I am sure he wont go back to her as he even admitted seeing me Arghhhhhhhhhh Ruby I am going to have a str*** ! Listen ANY feelings he has , like HATE or LOVE or CONTEMPT for her are : Feelings ! Don't you see Ruby you have been thrown into an inconsiderate B*'s Drama filled life and now the LOSER is going to broadcast to anyone who listens ~ How much he HATES her " OMG Please Ruby , you are inviting this drama and being a part of his SICK attachment to this girl ! YOU DID NOT WIN THE PRIZE ! You may think so as he slinkers into your arms but you have a messed up dude who CLEARLY hates himself , does not KNOW what love is , is going to ride you until he uses you up and you are likely going to Post here and complain . BUT we did WARN you that NONE of this is healthy ! Its definately not fair to you ! WHY do you think you deserve this crappy second hand second rate treatment ? Are they OVER ?? Hah ! He should feel N O T H I N G when he thinks of her . NOTHING. But he feels contempt ! Why should any of this bother him ?? Because Ruby it does ! That should be enough for you...
MindoverMatter Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 What change? I don't see the change. This is how it started: She has been texting him saying that she hopes he is happy and that she could not handle seeing him with me at this moment, and now he is telling me that he is going to meet up with her as he has alot to say to her as he is so angry with her. Since then I have hardly seen him even though we talk on the phone every day. They split up 3 months before we met and went out for 4 years. He talks about her alot to me (every day) and expresses huge amounts of anger about her. The had broken up. She knew about you. He "hated" her back then. See what happened? They broke up. She knows about you. He "hates her". Guess what will happen? If you don't respect yourself enough to quit this mess, then maybe think about your son. He is in your life and thus subjected in part to what you are going through. Do you want this bad influence in his life? Is there any chance of this all being ok? No. None at all.
dreamergrl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 But Carhill he is telling me he hates her now and he even considered emailing all of her work colleagues to tell them what she is really like. I am sure he wont go back to her as he even admitted seeing me Have you asked yourself yet, who really ended their relationship? Was it him or her? Besides that, he will say whatever he needs to in order to get you back. For all you know he never told his ex anything. He could be doing the same thing with her that he is with you. This wont change, but either will you. You will let him come back, then later cry because he's gone again. He is not over his ex.
stillafool Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 But Carhill he is telling me he hates her now and he even considered emailing all of her work colleagues to tell them what she is really like. I am sure he wont go back to her as he even admitted seeing me Ruby, this guy is still head over heels for this girl. If he wasn't he wouldn't care about getting her in trouble at work. There is so much "passion" here between them.
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